I Reek Of Books

“He had looked at Jude, then, and had felt that same sensation he sometimes did when he thought, really thought of Jude and what his life had been: a sadness, he might have called it, but it wasn't a pitying sadness; it was a larger sadness, one that seemed to encompass all the poor striving people, the billions he didn't know, all living their lives, a sadness that mingled with a wonder and awe at how hard humans everywhere tried to live, even when their days were so very difficult, even when their circumstances were so wretched. Life is so sad, he would think in those moments. It's so sad, and yet we all do it.” ― Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

I’ve been in quite a slump recently. Not that I expect people to give too much of a shit to care. There is enough sadness and difficulties to go around.

But it’s mainly that my self-esteem took a beating when I lost my job, due to cutbacks and budgetary concerns, and I’m not sure how to bounce back.

I got another job, which I guess is good. I just feel like my life is at a standstill. I’m a rock, sometimes bouncing but mostly stuck in place, at the bottom of some river that fleets by; life itself floats along, sometimes at a leisurely pace, other times quite rapidly and carrying all sorts of racing objects.

Having to take a pay cut, coming from a pretty well paid job, and feeling as if I’ll never accomplish any of my dreams. There is a sort of helplessness that washes over me; I can’t save myself from monumentally stupid economic decisions; can’t help my boyfriend through his struggles or fix any of his problems (none that matter at least); fearing whatever creeps down the pipeline of time and gushes out as every new day passes. There isn’t any escaping it; life will hurt you, scar you, maim you, cripple you; it’s death by a thousand cuts, drowning through a million breaths, disintegration marketed as the chance of a lifetime — LIVING!

I’m sorry to be such a downer, the week has barely begun. I just needed a place to vent where I’m not burdening someone I love with my worries or beat-down demeanour.

“The journey never starts nor ends in the dark forest” -Ted Lasso.

Fishing with ones paternal genealogical ascendant can be soothing, like an aloe vera balm on a severely burned and aching soul.