not to keep reacting to meta/fics about ilya with the 'as someone whose mother died when i was 12 and i saw her dead body' take bc i know it's annoying (trust me i hear it even more in my own head than i choose to write/speak about it). but yeah, seeing your partner go white and limp and drop in a dead faint can be a bad trigger, I learned that personally in recent months. yes it's a silly fic, yes i find it overall cute, yes i think he would probably feel a Bad way about it too and a strong reaction is justified. yes i feel a little stupid that i keep projecting this onto a fictional character and fanfics. what about it. dead mom at 12 and see her dead body club comes with some hang-ups, whodda thunk.
it's funny, bc i don't really relate to ilya that much, beyond the *hand waves*. but it's too big a thing to dodge the bullet when it randomly jumps out at me. and it does just randomly hit. shane canonically getting seriously injured and knocked out on the ice? doesn't bother me at all, even tho objectively i know that would be scary as a partner. idk feels less personal, dramatized, too covered in hockey gear to see the triggering parts. a silly fic of shane fainting after getting his blood taken in a more medical setting and ilya wasn't expecting it? oh that got me. clearly.
writing this here bc i'm trying Not to trauma dump on people talking about fictional characters even when they hit a very specific and personal chord for me. exploring the character is not the same as wanting to hear from the me, lol.
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