obliviate

“Range Life” by Jordan Bolton

all of time and space! all of the wide expanse of the world! the way that you could open your palm and have more. the way you have never wanted more.

when you leave, don't shudder. we all know you love her the entire ride home.

a joke without a punchline: you would have fed her your whole arm if it meant giving her a hand. you have so much to do! you are so young and beautiful! you never make eye contact with the mirror. what is missing from you would be curled around your iris. black and gold; the snakebite proof something is broken down the bone. tuck yourself into sleep. cover the holes. all of time and space.

i tell my therapist that i don't really feel like i need boundaries. i say i am comfortable with most things; i'll figure it out as i go along. she says: that's a fawn response. i laugh about it, because it's either laugh about it or do something about it.

the thing is that once i like someone, i'll forgive them for anything. they don't even have to apologize for it. they could step over each of my desires and take all my teeth. it might take me a little while, but i'd get over it. i'd say: oh, she was having a hard day, and didn't realize i was serious about my safety. i'd say: he's always had anger issues, i feel bad that he hasn't been responding well to therapy. i'd say: you know, it kind of isn't fair of me to expect them to know i don't want to get hurt, i should have been more clear and repeated what i wanted.

i tell other people i'm easy-going. sometimes i get called good natured or happy-go-lucky. i am not able to list traits that i like about myself without mentioning how i help other people. i let people desiccate me and then i say - well, as long as they're happy.

i have been a bad person, is the thing. when i was really sick. and honestly sometimes even when i was doing better. i've hurt other people, and i don't want other people to hurt the way i did. i only have friends because others have forgiven me for the wrong i have done. i only have gotten this far because someone else gave me patience, and kindness, and help.

so it's not fair of me to set a boundary, ever. plus, if i set one and it is broken - that just hurts. and when someone crosses that line i drew, i have to take an action in response. i have to kick someone out of my life (as if i have so many other options) or i have to confront them about it (as if that doesn't make me cry) or. if i take the easy route: i have to simply accept that it happened and internalize it and move on; let it go without a fight.

i can't control, after all, how other people react to my boundaries. they probably are unfair boundaries anyway. it's easier if i just control how i react to the pain - if i just ignore it, and hope it goes away. no need to blow this out of proportion. no need to make a fuss. this way all the hurt stays inside of me, and doesn't slip out and get into anyone. this way is better, right.