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future me looking back at my tumblr posts iām sorry š¢

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Inspired by this week's WFA:
Bruce, emailing: Dear Clark, I need you to report to Wayne Manor at your earliest convenience. Signed, Bruce Wayne.
Clark, emailing back: Dear Bruce, I will be there within the next hour. Signed, Clark Kent.
āāāāāāā
Dick, texting: Meet me and Babs in 30.
Kara, texting back: K.
āāāāāāā
Jason, shouting out the window: YO BIZ!
Bizarro, five minutes later: Not here!
āāāāāāā
Damian, at a normal volume: Kent.
Jon: *zooms across the country in three seconds*
āāāāāāā
Tim:
Kon: *breaks the sound barrier*
Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever theyāre working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruceās orders without question or defaulting to Dickās authority, following Bruceās comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.
Bruce Wayne, who predominantly raised teenage boys and is still actively raising teenage boys.
Taught Dick how to shave.
Spent years dragging half asleep and begrudging children out of bed every morning for school.
Gave sex talks, feigned oblivion when sheets needed to be washed or when five minute showers become thirty.
Morning found his coffee being chugged by his third son. Jason eating bacon and eggs from his plate. Dick's head buried in the fridge.
Alfred's judgmental gaze when not a single boy found a shirt or pants as a requirement before coming downstairs. Content to lounge around in boxers.
"What the fuck is a bathrobe?"
"An article of clothing, on your floor Master Timothy."
"I didn't see it....?"
"No, that would require moving trash, and being able to see said floor."
"God this house is a nightmare-"
Bruce Wayne learned early, gremlins come late.
Between the hours of 12:00-3:00 am.
Will tell you everything, how school was, who they love, the worse things to happen to them.
What they need.
You can't be asleep.
Sometimes it's stupid, a Christmas present an annoying teacher.
Or it's the last step before making a decision.
Bruce after a long day pretending to relax in bed, waits.
Dick clad in Superman boxers appears.
"I think I'm depressed-"
He's wiped tears, changed plans.
"Bruce- can I tell you something?"
Accepted confessions with open arms.
Picked up drunk children.
Picked up the phone.
"Bruce-Dad...I fucked up."
Hunted his second oldest down, finding his baby bleeding out.
Patched up wounds, staying as long as Jason wanted.
Broken windows, crashed cars, blood and broken bones.
Tears, vomit.
He hasn't eaten hot food in years, hasn't slept through the night in even longer.
Bruce Wayne stares at three heads of black hair taken up his entire bed and knows he wouldn't change a single thing.
Well one thing.
"Damian, why are you on the floor?"
"Todd kicked me Baba!! I was asleep!"
"Jay- let your brother in the bed."
"Noooooooo."
"Father make-"
"Dad he-"
He's the luckiest man in the world.
Teenagers though definitely suck...
Sit in your parentās lap like you did when you were a kid

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Bruce can and will lurk in any and all JL group comms, Batfamily āsiblings onlyā encrypted chats, and even the rudimentary chat function YJ came up with on a bunch of old flip phones, and while his aura alone is enough to keep people nervous, nothing brings a conversation to a screeching halt quite like Batman dropping a singular š into the chat.
( Dick storming into the room )
Dick: I HATE EVERYTHING
Bruce: what happened this time
Dick: I entered a nightwing lookalike contest
Bruce: why ?
Dick: Roy bet me fifty dollars I would loose
Dick: and I did loos
Bruce:
Dick: TO JASON
Jason: ( cackling from the room next door )
it's insanely hilarious to me as a headcanon that Bruce- if he's ever in a situation where he loses a kid or they disappear and then reappear mid-mission or smth smth smth, they were in danger etc-
He immediately drops whatever fight he's in or wtv to go and see them, to touch and hug them, to defend them, smth smth smth
And the Batkid just refuses. They snap at him to 'stay focused' they dodge his hands and keep the Team updated, they steal his comm in order to tell the Fam what they learned while they were 'away' etc etc
But!
The second the mission is over, everyone is safe, clean up is happening, etc etc etc
The kid will SLAM into Bruce, full body, head first, absolutely zero restraint, just WHAM into him and hug him and bury their heads against his chest and nuzzle into the crook of his neck and wrap their legs around his waist and just not let go and he ofc doesn't falter, just holds them back just as tight and yea
idk its such a funny headcanon-
Bruce, finally discovering Steph after a Gargantua Random Alien ate her, trying to cup her cheek: My baby, my darling, you live- Steph, brushing past him and pressing her comm into her ear: We've got four inbound on Street Two, Tim, Jason I need you guys at five and three- After Bruce, helping clean up: Right, so now we need to extinguish- Steph, screaming a battle cry from across the city and sprinting at him: BRUCE
Batfam at the pool
* Bruce does not simply unleash eight vigilantes into a pool and hope for the best. He arrives with sunscreen, extra towels, a first aid kit, electrolyte packets, and enough snacks to sustain a small athletic conference.
* He makes everyone put on sunscreen.
* Every. Single. One.
* Jason tries to argue.
* Bruce silently holds out the bottle.
* Jason puts on the sunscreen.
āø»
* Dick is in the water within three seconds of arrival.
* Nobody actually sees him enter the pool.
* One moment heās standing beside the chairs.
* The next heās somehow performing a perfect dive.
* Bruce doesnāt even look up from unpacking the cooler.
* āGood entry.ā
* Dick immediately looks delighted because Bruce noticed.
āø»
* Tim insists heās ājust relaxing.ā
* Five minutes later Bruce confiscates three phones, a tablet, and a waterproof e-reader.
* Tim somehow produces a fourth device.
* Bruce doesnāt ask where it came from.
* Bruce simply holds out his hand.
* Tim sighs and surrenders it.
āø»
* Damian takes swimming very seriously.
* Swimming is a discipline.
* An art.
* A test of physical excellence.
* Steph splashes him.
* Damian declares war.
āø»
* Cass is terrifyingly good in the water.
* Nobody knows why.
* She just moves through the pool like gravity forgot about her.
* Bruce watches her do an impossible underwater turn and quietly smiles because sheās having fun.
āø»
* Stephās primary objective is not swimming.
* It is causing problems.
* She convinces Duke and Dick to help her build increasingly elaborate pool games.
* Bruce allows it because theyāre all laughing and nobody is in danger.
* Yet.
āø»
* Duke spends most of the afternoon soaking up sunlight like a very happy solar panel.
* Bruce packed his favorite sports drink without being asked.
* Duke notices.
* Bruce pretends he didnāt deliberately remember.
āø»
* Jason claims he hates pool days.
* Jason spends four consecutive hours in the pool.
* Bruce hands him a drink the second he climbs out.
* Jason takes it automatically.
* Neither of them comments on it.
āø»
* Bruce actually gets in the water.
* This shocks everyone.
* Bruce is a surprisingly strong swimmer.
* Of course he is.
* There is absolutely no reason for him to be this good at swimming.
* Yet here they are.
āø»
* At some point somebody challenges Bruce to a race.
* Usually Dick.
* Sometimes Jason.
* Once Steph.
* Bruce wins exactly often enough to remind them heās Batman.
* Then loses on purpose often enough to let them celebrate.
āø»
* He keeps track of everyone without making it obvious.
* He knows whoās hydrated.
* He knows whoās getting tired.
* He knows who skipped lunch.
* He knows who has been underwater suspiciously long.
* Tim discovers this and calls it āparental omniscience.ā
* Bruce calls it āpaying attention.ā
āø»
* When Damian and Jason start arguing, Bruce redirects them into a relay race.
* Somehow this works.
* Nobody understands why it works.
* Not even Bruce.
* But it does.
āø»
* Near sunset, everyone is exhausted.
* Towels everywhere.
* Wet footprints everywhere.
* Half the snacks gone.
* Steph is still talking.
* Dick is floating on his back.
* Cass is smiling.
* Tim is finally not looking at a screen.
* Damian is pretending he isnāt having fun.
* Jason is pretending he doesnāt want another pool day.
* Duke is glowing with contentment.
* Bruce looks around at the chaos and feels that rare, quiet certainty that all of his kids are safe, happy, and together.
* And for Bruce Wayne, thatās a perfect day.
Bruce wayne and Clark kent having a relationship kinda silly. Just small dates after interviews with lovely talks about anything, like weather or the people of gothan/metropolis. They can spend hours just yapping
And on the other side we have superman going feral when batman flirts with Clark
Superman: I-- HES DATING!!!
Batman: I still have a chance
Superman: No you-- WHAT?!
Batman: He already broke up with lois once. That new playboy is just a fase
Superman: He really likes that playboy!!
And batman fully knows that clark and supe are the same person. He likes to play with him and receive confirmation that he is a good man
Another day, Batman appears to save the night and finds Clark as Clark protecting some civilians, and he go very flirty mode, but Clark DONT fuck with that
Clark: Thank you for saving us, Batman. I am very happy that i can go back to my BOYFRIEND who is the PRETTIEST and SMARTEST of the WHOLE Gothan... Batman: You are welcome... Want me to take you home first?
And bat tries to pull a seductive smirk, only to make clark go red angry wanting to go back for his bf to talk shit about the bat even though they are friends
I would love to read a fic like that, idk if already exists

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People will say whoās your favorite Robin? whoās your favorite Robin?
š¤Øā¦
Iām not here for Robin. Iām here for Bruce Wayne. Iām here for the Batman because thatās the man I have a crush onā¦back up.
Does he also happen to have children that are appealing to the eye, yes. but I have a crush on that big socially awkward Himbo of a man get out of my face
Anyways, hereās a superbat fanart I found on Pinterest, but the original creator is white_6606 on twitter ā”
Yk the thing of one angel in a shoulder and a demon in the other
Bruce will have Brucie and Batman instead lol
Something something identity still hidden Brucie ends up sleeping with Clark, and Clark ofc donāt know itās Batman so they are cuddling and Bruce mind will be like
Batman: DID YOU FUCKED SUPERMAN?!
Brucie: you know me, itās your fault for letting me go that far
Bruce: and he doesnāt even know about my identities, he would be mad if he finds out
Batman: he will never find out, itās a risk
Bruce: but Iāll feel bad if he doesnāt know Iām his coworker
Brucie: yeah and it will be hilarious if he finds out
Batman: no, itās a contingency risk I will not allow
Brucie: come on, look at his cute face, he is Superman, if trustable have a face it will be him
Batman: he wonāt find out and itās final, this was a mistake, no one should get so close to me
Brucie: a mistake? But we enjoyed it and he had earned our trust multiple times
Clark shifts in his place under Bruce arms watching curious and concern how Bruce is just staring at the ceiling, expression totally blank and gone
Clark: Bruce are you ok?
Bruce: I donāt know
-š¦š
"Batman doesnt know how to flirt with Superman" "batman can't express his emotions" "batman is oblivious" THATS BRUCIE FUCKING WAYNE!!!!!!! HES ONE OF THE FLIRTIEST PEOPLE OUT THERE!!! HE PULLS!!! its so much funnier if he knows what hes doing and hes just being stuborn or something
Batman likes dogs a lot, likes their loyalty, their strength- but he's always liked cats a lot more, and they've always been drawn to him.
He doesn't stop to pet them, they see this as him being polite and minding their personal space- so they follow him around. He doesn't even notice that one of the boys has brought home a cat until he finds one asleep on his chest while he's working on a new design.
Diana thinks this is adorable and will stop to scoop up every cat that follows him around, Clark calls him 'Cat-man' for weeks, comparing Bruce himself to a black cat variant.
Batman does not find this funny.
Clark, raised by a working class farmer family, said 'eat the rich's too often on his rebellious teen years.
However, fates took that sentence a bit too seriously.

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Okay so thereās this thing that I canāt get out of my brain.
So like for me, I think the reason Bruce hasnāt told the kids anything about his childhood is because he just assumes that they research him. They go a dig and find out shit, because thatās what Bruce did for his parents and Alfred.
Didnt even bother asking just went āI wonder what they were like before? And went to research, found out everything and went āhuhā and never brought it up.
So he just never mentions anything to the kids like ever and itās like an unspoken Wayne family tradition. Thomas did the same to his father and so on. BUT NO ONE TOLD RHE KIDS AB THE TRADITION, no one mentions it, they spent the beginning of their lives in relatively normal ish families or surrounded by less weird people or environments.
And Bruce just assumes that the kids know everything because itās not like he goes out of his way to hide it, he just doesnāt mention it. But the kids are like āBruce doesnāt tell us anything šā because they donāt realise thatās not how Bruce was raised to operate. Like he never told his parents anything either, his parents stalked him and never brought it up either.
Anyways I just think it would be really funny if Alfred one day maybe after an argument between Dick and Bruce (+ an audience of kids), where dick was like āYOU WERE STABBED Y DIDNT U SAY THINGINGā and Bruce went āI did not believe it was necessary to mentionā or sm. and Alfred just kinda nudges them towards the unspoken rule:
Theyāre all in the kitchen
Alfred: *holding a a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel to Timās ribs* ah I remember doing the very same thing to Master Bruce after he discovered his motherās past as a gymnast and attempted to copy her trick from the bannister, he was so intuitive for a four year old
Dick: what
Damian: Pennyworth what is the meaning of this
Jason:
Tim: šš
Steph and cass: šŖšŖ
Duke and Bababra: š„š„
Dick: Alfred what-
Alfred: ahh yes those were good times, *pointedly making eye contact with Dick* I do love the Wayne ritual of discovering your parents, tell me children, do you think youāve managed to discover all of master Bruceās secrets
Dick: wha-
Alfred: hmm yes I do suppose you havenāt, anyway if that would be all I suggest you all start making your way to bed
*leaves*
Jason: what the fuck was that about
Duke: I have no clue
Dick: *sheepish* I think I might has an idea
Cue lots of digging, what the fuck, really Bruce? And much more
The kids corner Bruce at some point and aggressively show him concern about how *pointing at a picture of little Bruce with Harvey Dent with baseball bats in a wharehouse littered with unconscious bodies* is not normal,
I love the idea of them going to the Wayne Family Attic or some weird asss crypt or storage house thatās out of the way or hidden in the forest lining the property and stumbling along a bunch of photos or videos from Bruceās childhood, that just show them how deranged Bruce was and it makes them realise how fucked up their dad is and helps them understand his communication more
Okay so thereās this thing that I canāt get out of my brain.
So like for me, I think the reason Bruce hasnāt told the kids anything about his childhood is because he just assumes that they research him. They go a dig and find out shit, because thatās what Bruce did for his parents and Alfred.
Didnt even bother asking just went āI wonder what they were like before? And went to research, found out everything and went āhuhā and never brought it up.
So he just never mentions anything to the kids like ever and itās like an unspoken Wayne family tradition. Thomas did the same to his father and so on. BUT NO ONE TOLD RHE KIDS AB THE TRADITION, no one mentions it, they spent the beginning of their lives in relatively normal ish families or surrounded by less weird people or environments.
And Bruce just assumes that the kids know everything because itās not like he goes out of his way to hide it, he just doesnāt mention it. But the kids are like āBruce doesnāt tell us anything šā because they donāt realise thatās not how Bruce was raised to operate. Like he never told his parents anything either, his parents stalked him and never brought it up either.
Anyways I just think it would be really funny if Alfred one day maybe after an argument between Dick and Bruce (+ an audience of kids), where dick was like āYOU WERE STABBED Y DIDNT U SAY THINGINGā and Bruce went āI did not believe it was necessary to mentionā or sm. and Alfred just kinda nudges them towards the unspoken rule:
Theyāre all in the kitchen
Alfred: *holding a a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel to Timās ribs* ah I remember doing the very same thing to Master Bruce after he discovered his motherās past as a gymnast and attempted to copy her trick from the bannister, he was so intuitive for a four year old
Dick: what
Damian: Pennyworth what is the meaning of this
Jason:
Tim: šš
Steph and cass: šŖšŖ
Duke and Bababra: š„š„
Dick: Alfred what-
Alfred: ahh yes those were good times, *pointedly making eye contact with Dick* I do love the Wayne ritual of discovering your parents, tell me children, do you think youāve managed to discover all of master Bruceās secrets
Dick: wha-
Alfred: hmm yes I do suppose you havenāt, anyway if that would be all I suggest you all start making your way to bed
*leaves*
Jason: what the fuck was that about
Duke: I have no clue
Dick: *sheepish* I think I might has an idea
Cue lots of digging, what the fuck, really Bruce? And much more
The kids corner Bruce at some point and aggressively show him concern about how *pointing at a picture of little Bruce with Harvey Dent with baseball bats in a wharehouse littered with unconscious bodies* is not normal,
I love the idea of them going to the Wayne Family Attic or some weird asss crypt or storage house thatās out of the way or hidden in the forest lining the property and stumbling along a bunch of photos or videos from Bruceās childhood, that just show them how deranged Bruce was and it makes them realise how fucked up their dad is and helps them understand his communication more