Okay, this is actually what you do if youβre being sexually harassed in any kind of public space. Draw attention to it, preferably pull away and let EVERYONE know that someone is touching you. This will not only get him to get off you but heβll definitely think about this situation next time he wants to do something like this.
Spreading the word.
My mom and I were talking about this today after hearing about a woman who was molested on a plane who said nothing until she was picked up at the airport by her parents. My mom looked at me and asked what I would do in that situation and I looked her dead in the eye and I told her βit would take me .02 seconds to realize what was going on and yell angrily, and then I would be straight on to bitch slapping him so hard he wouldnβt be able to see the punch Iβd throw with the opposite handβ.
She nodded and accepted my salty language like a seasoned sailor.
Iβve had experience with this before, in Prague a group of five girls and I were followed by three men at night. After a while they started yelling at us, the most common being βhow much?β Meaning how much we βcostβ as prostitutes. Seeing as they werenβt going to stop, I turned on my heel, faced them (which surprised them), spat at their feet and responded with βYou couldnβt afford me.β This prompted the other girls to start yelling back at them as well, starting with our spitfire Czech friend to start slinging curses in Czech as she and the rest of the girls came up beside me. Needless to say the men backed off and pretty much fled. They werenβt expecting a fight. It empowered me and encouraged the rest of the girls to yell back too.
Iβve heard that a lot of people donβt know what to do in this situation because theyβve been taught all their lives to be polite and non-aggressive. Keep your heads down or whatever.
Keep in mind that studies have shown that rapists look for victims who wonβt fight back.
Remember that nobody has the right to touch you without your consent or harass you, and you have all the right to make the biggest fuss about it that you can possibly make.
Get angry. Be in command.
FUCKING RELEVANT
If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable like this, you do not need to be nice. Swear, kick, scream, make the asshole cry. You donβt have to nice, be as rude as you want
Itβs really normal and nothing to be ashamed of if you freeze up while being sexually harassed or sexually assaulted. βFight or flightβ isnβt completely accurate and is an outdated model, people in the field of psychology (like my therapists lmao) are saying now βfight, flight, freeze, fawnβ is more accurate because a lot of peopleβs uncontrolled gut reaction to a dangerous or scary situation is to either completely freeze up, or to start fawning to try to appease their attacker. Donβt blame yourself or beat yourself up if your uncontrolled gut reaction to danger was to freeze or fawn, itβs especially really common for survivors of abuse to resort to freeze or fawn especially if they havenβt fully worked through their trauma with a professional.
Itβs also more common for women to jump to βfreezeβ or βfawnβ in a dangerous situation just because of the ways society has been encouraging and training women to behave from a young age. Girls are heavily conditioned never to make a scene or inconvenience other people and it can be really hard to overcome that conditioning especially in stressful or scary situations.
For a lot of girls and women itβs also hard to speak up if theyβre being harassed or assaulted in public because of shame or embarrassment, theyβve been taught thereβs something shameful and embarrassing on their part for being harassed or assaulted in public which can make it difficult to overcome the shame to draw attention to whatβs happening. Always remember, if youβre being harassed or assaulted in public youβre not the one who should feel ashamed or embarrassed, youβre not the one doing anything wrong.
A loooot of people always talk big game about how theyβd respond if they were being sexually harassed or assaulted, like βwell Iβd totally punch that guy, Iβd totally give him hell!β but the thing is, you actually donβt know which f your brain will jump to in any given situation.
Thatβs why itβs so important that we need to start telling girls from a young age that itβs not just okay but itβs best if they scream, fight, and make a scene if theyβre scared or uncomfortable. Tell them if a man touches them or makes them uncomfortable on the subway or the bus that they should yell and make a scene. Tell them if a man is in public making them uncomfortable to yell and make a scene. Tell them they have nothing to be embarrassed about if it happens to them because theyβre not the one doing anything wrong.
Predators who touch girls and women in public or in any way harass girls and women and make them uncomfortable are counting on girls and women being quiet because of the heavy social conditioning to not make a scene or inconvenience anyone or their victims feeling too much shame and embarrassment to speak up. Itβs really important that we try to actively combat that social conditioning in girls and work to undo that social conditioning in adult women.
As someone pointed out in the notes, one helpful way to combat this conditioning and make it more likely you wonβt fawn or freeze is to (if youβre comfortable doing this and it wonβt be triggering) practice envisioning yourself in these types of situations and envision yourself reacting the way you want to, envision yourself screaming and fighting and causing a scene. That way you will be more likely to react that way if a situation like this happens. But again, donβt ever blame yourself or beat yourself up or in any way feel like itβs your fault if you resort to freezing or fawning because those are still very normal and common reactions to stressful situations like this.
β¦okay can I please just say thank youΒ for putting that thing in aboutΒ βfreezeβ orΒ βfawnβ? I have noticed in these kinds of situations I tend toΒ βfawnβ and Iβve always hated thatΒ about myself. Iβve always thought I was just a coward or a boot licker for wanting to appease someone who was making me feel unsafe. Itβs actually REALLY good to know itβs a survival technique right along side of fight or flight (and that it, too, can be managed and overcome, with work!).Β
Again, thanks. A weight has actually just been lifted.Β
