My diary

Hi everyone!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything for such a long time. And trust me or not, I really hope to change it! So many things were going on since I have been there. I would start with describing what happened between me and Š. It was getting worse and worse. He barely had some time for me to meet and finally I found out he was a pathological lier! (OVĚŘIT) He was lying about his family, job and got totally caught up in his own lies (sad, isn‘t it?)… I decided to talk to him about our relationship once when we were a bit drunk and he told me I meant nothing to him. So that is how it ended with Š.

Maybe you know I was working at the airport in my city. It was a great job (then it all changed, but that isn’t important in this moment). I made a decision to leave my studies of economy because I realized I haven’t chosen the right university. And that is how I ended up studying aviation and being frankly happy with my studies.

Everything is so tough.

Guys, I have so much to tell you. I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything for over three months, OMG. Now it will be more difficult to cover everything but I will try.

You know that I spent that gorgeous evening with P in November. Then I had a birthday and also I met P. We went to the café and then he told me that he wants us to be just friends. I pretended that it was ok and when he walked away I started to cry. It was kind of heartbreaking but in the evening I decided to tell him how I feel about it and so I did. Sometimes I still think about him but I hope that it is over, that I have made it through.

In January I had my exams and I failed at maths. No surprise. You know that I suck at maths and I have to admit that I could have been prepared much better. I was still going to work while studying for the exams so January was long, exhausting and nothing happened. On the 1st of February we went to one party with my friends such as K and I got totally drunk and lost my handbag. Fuck. And then there was my holiday and we went to mountains with some of my friends and some people I haven’t met before. There was one guy, Š, that was really nice and I liked him a lot. We were skiing together and talking a lot and I found out that we have so much in common. Last weekend we had a wonderful date - and he gave me a rose! I am so happy when I am with him but at the same time I am afraid of falling in love. I don’t know how this all will end but I promise to you and to myself that I will post more because it helps me to organize everything in my head.

Hi everyone,

I have some news from Thursday ♥ There was the party at the university dorms. We met with P and some friends from that week we spent together, and 2 boys that I haven’t met before, altogether - me and 6 boys. I was quiet but it was fun with them. They took many bottles with beer with them and I had one bottle of wine. I don’t drink beverages with more % of alcohol anymore and I am happy that I got over this habit. Then the police arrived to the building and they arrested me and P and some other people. I was so scared! After that we had to leave the building and P called the other guys and we went to his room. The boys that I haven’t known before left his room and caught the last bus, then I stayed there with P, Mn and one other boy and we were watching South Park. At 3 am the boys decided to go home (I was so happy when they suggested that) and stayed in P’s room because I can’t get home from that part of the city during the night. I started to laying into the bed of the boy who lives with P but wasn’t there but there was no bedding and it was a bit crappy and I hoped that P would suggest me to lay into his bed... And he did. We were laying in one bed for about half an hour and we were just talking which was really nice. He hugged me and we were talking a bit more and then we stopped and we were slowly moving to each other and he was stroking me and finally we started kissing. It was the best kissing I’ve ever experienced! And then, hugging each other, we fell asleep. In the morning I went home and he went to his hometown. I was so happy when we were together! But at the same time I’m afraid to believe that it could lead to a relationship. Sometimes I don’t understand what’s going between us. And he never texts me so it would ne up to me to suggest a meeting I’m afraid. He means so much to me...

Please, wish me luck. I would love to be finally happy (with him).

Hello everyone,

I would like to write a few words about my last days. I went to the gym yesterday and it was so refreshing! It is so hard for me to switch to healthier lifestyle. I am still struggling with my binge eating disorder but I have to heal myself. I want to feel good in my own body. Tomorrow I am going to the gym again. I am going to see P on Thursday and after that day I would like to know clearly what to do. Maybe he will be too busy to talk to me, nobody can say that, we will see. I know I have no chance.

Hello everyone,

I would like to write a few words about my last days. I went to the gym yesterday and it was so refreshing! It is so hard for me to switch to healthier lifestyle. I am still struggling with my binge eating disorder but I have to heal myself. I want to feel good in my own body. Tomorrow I am going to the gym again.

I am going to see P on Thursday and after that day I would like to know clearly what to do. I would like him to accompany me to the bus stop again but maybe he will be busy, nobody can say that, we will see.

Hello everybody,

I am here again to write a few words about my week. You know that P couldn’t see me and my friend K on Monday but that was okay, we have so many tests at school in this week. On Wednesday I have long gaps between my lessons (about 2 hours) and I never know what to do. So I decided to write a message to P, I had nothing to lose. I wasn’t pushy, I just suggested a meeting in a very unobtrusive way and he agreed. On Wednesday I was waiting until he texted me where to meet him. He hugged me quickly and we went to a café. He ordered a coffee and I had tea. We were sitting there and talking for about 45 minutes. We were talking mostly about school but also about other things. From time to time we were silent but it was so nice to see him and talk with him. When we were about to pay, he paid also for my coffee which really surprised me. I wanted to give him the money but he didn’t want to take it and he told me: ‚If  I didn’t want to invite you, I would have let you pay it by yourself.‘ Surprising, isn’t it? It was me who suggested that. Then we were talking for a while and finally we hugged (I wish it would last longer) and that was all. I was smiling for the rest of my afternoon then. I am sure that he won’t text me and I won’t text him neither, now it’s his turn.

Yesterday I spent a nice evening with a lot of wine with one of my best friends, T, and one other friend who studies architecture, and her name is V. I needed to talk to someone about P and also about my family, because everybody constantly insults me about my weight. It used to hurt me so much but now I only listen to it and it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I think that nobody’s perfect and the members of my family should solve their problems and  try to remove their mistakes at first and then criticise others. But it is always easier to insult someone else rather then work hard. One day they will regret it but it will be too late. I finally got my membership in the gym.

Hi everyone :)

I was so tired today I couldn’t even concentrate at school...

In the evening I spent about two hours at the pub/club near the dorms with one of my best friends from school, her name’s K. I told her everything about P. You know that feeling when you can’t stop thinking about someone and you could spend hours talking about him for hours... She thinks that P hasn’t had many girlfriends yet which is good... But who knows. And again, I don’t even have a chance. He knows me only from parties and he thinks the worst of me. K wrote him that he could come and spend a while with us but he had to study... At least he told her to greet me. I like him too much.

Hey there :)

I have another summary of my month here on my blog. Firstly, the positive impressions - although I screwed up some test at school I still really enjoy my studies. Yay! It is becoming a bit hard but I have a lot of enthusiasm to make it through.

You know I had sex with Mo in September. But he didn’t want to see me again. I was quite sad but then I went to the club with one of my best friends, K. There I met a boy named V who studies sociology and economics in my city. He looked like a bastard but I needed to forget about Mo and after a while we were kissing and it was so full of passion. Then we went to my flat and had sex. I know. It is the same story all over again. Same case as Mo. And also he didn’t accept my friend request on facebook and told me that he had no interest in serious relationships. No surprise. But I spent a whole day in my bed crying. I know what you think, I am just another desperate girl. Yes, I am. You are right. I can’t say what I want right now... If I wanted a relationship I would have it, wouldn’t I? Or maybe I just haven’t met the right boy yet.

Last week we went to the club with my friends from that one week long stay. Mn (you remember him, that guy who was high quite often), one other guy and also P who is from another part of my country and he speaks with a cute accent. I like him a lot but he has only the worst idea about me. We always meet each other at parties so he thinks that I drink a lot. He is two years older than me and I can imagine dating with him. After the party we went to the dorm where he lives and boys fell asleep and we talked together for about two hours at his balcony while the sun was rising. He wanted me to stay with him and to sleep in his bed but after all these affairs I just had no interest in doing it. I was proud of myself. He accompanied me to the bus stop and there we were just hugging for a few minutes. It was a wonderful moment and when the bus came we kissed and I went home. After a week I met him accidentaly at the bus stop and we were talking which was so nice. Suddenly he hugged me and walked away. I didn’t understand it. I will see him in next two weeks and I am looking forward to see him so much but I have no hope.

I decided to start going to the gym again, next week my mom will give me the money for it. I need to lose weight, it isn’t surprising that the boys don’t want me. But I will change it, so wish me luck! I really want to put my life together and be finally happy. That’s all I want.

I am here again after few months and I would like to describe what was happening. I passed my final exams so I have my high school education completed. In the summer I decided to start learning German so I spent two weeks in Munich. In September I started my university studies. I study economy now and it became really interesting for me, especially accounting and stuff like that. M is at the same school and I meet him sometimes. Also we spent a week together with people from the same school and there I met Mn and P. We ended up in bed together with Mn one evening but nothing happened cause he was just really high. Never mind, I don’t even see him at school. And also I liked that guy whose name is P but every time he saw me I was totally drunk. So yeah, I made the worst first impression ever. I wanted to forget about him and with my friend L we went to the club one night and here, through some schoolmates I met Mo and we slept together. He was so cute and now he doesn’t want to see me again. Well, it’s not that surprising, but it hurts me. Yesterday we had a party related to the beginning of the semester and I was there with my best friend. And M was there too... After we left the club I went to his flat and slept in one bed with him but I fell asleep immediately so nothing happened. We promised each other to have sex another time. I feel like I don’t want to fall for him again but sometimes it’s just a bit difficult, isn’t it? Now I have a bit of a hangover so I hope that my notes will be more logical tomorrow.

Hi guys :)

Today I had a very good mood despite of all the things that happened. First of all, I found out the particular date and time of my final exams (just finishing high school). It seemed so far away, but it isn’t, so… whops. I have just three months (exactly) to get fully prepared.

I spoke to M and realized over and over again that I will definitely end up like one of these old forever alone ladies with flat full of cats that will finally eat me one day and no one is gonna miss me (okay, I hope this won’t happen, but, you know).

There are some more issues (and some of them are really dangerous) but I will explain that some other time.

Hi everyone :)

Today has been tough since I had so many tasks to do. But I have made it through. This week will be so tiring anyway cause I still have to learn for so many subjects and final tests of no use! I am drinking a huge cup of tea and studying English now. Well, at least it has some kind of potential (same with French).

I am so done with this winter weather! Last few months have been so cloudy and grey in my country. I withstand it even worse every year. Have to move somewhere. Definitely.

Today I saw M which was quite unpleasant. Sometimes we just need to let someone disapperar from our live in order to be happy but it is so painful at the same time, you know...