The Unscripted Autist

#AutisticMasking #ActuallyAutistic

...you first consciously recognize the categorical differences between being friends and being friendly, in terms of social governance

But, really, that's just another layer of costume, and inside, I can't help but remain aware of the idea that none of it, ultimately, really matters all that much...

Advice on reframing?

the game, it exhausts me

Me: (makes an (entirely socially appropriate) emotionally vulnerable post on non-anonymous social media) Them, all: **crickets**

In one of his books (I forget which one; Look me in the eye, maybe?), John Elder Robison wrote something that really resonated with me. Roughly paraphrasing my take-away from the passage, he said: It’s true that other people need to choose you for social relationships (friends, romantic interests, employers - all require some level of you ‘being chosen’ by this other person). But it is also true that you, too, have a choice. The idea that I could exert influence on my social connections - that I could choose /to not choose/ someone...  it was a profound moment for me. I thought back to countless social relationships that ultimately ended in failure. Why? Partly because I screwed something up (helllooo autism!), but also, I suddenly realized, at least partly because these people were never my people. The people who are my people are the people that see me for me. The people who love me for me, the people who respect me, and trust me, and SEE me.  These people...  they’re *my people*.  And now, thanks to John Elder (if I may be so bold), I know it’s okay for me to choose to /not choose/ people; to protect my emotional self from the people who don’t, and, so, are not. I assume neurotypicals figure this out much, much, earlier than I did...

Me (Autist): “I don’t know how to do this.” Them (neurotypical): “Do what?” Me: “This whole ‘act normal’ thing...” Them: “What do you mean, “act” normal? People don’t /act/ normal, they just /are/ normal. If someone is just “acting” normal, then they’re actually kind of *not* normal.” Me (to self): ‘wow, if i had a dollar for every time someone called me ‘not normal’ and did or did not even realize it...’ Them: “Besides, what is “normal”, anyway?  There’s no such thing as normal...” Me (to self): ‘...haha, you’re funny. there is absolutely a thing called “normal”, and you know it, so just....’ Them: “Just be yourself.” Me (to self): ‘..um....yeah... that doesn’t really work, ‘cause...’ Them (staring at me): ... Me (realizing it’s been too long since I actually said something /out loud/, that I’m fighting a lump in my throat, and that I have just experienced yet another failed attempt at what could have been a meaningful and emotionally intimate conversation): “Yeah, you’re right... I just need to relax...” Me (tightening up my emotional defenses, and making sure to put on my best neurotypical character performance)

I have been stuck for minutes, hours, days weeks, even years It harbors guilt even shame It overshadows accomplishments and negates earned praise And, yet, it seems an inescapable part of my autistic self

 **becomes convinced that the conversation was actually pretty awkward and socially unproductive**

And, so, it remains, that it really is the case that, “I don’t know any of these people...”

It is not uncommon for me to be doing something on my laptop while I watch television at night. When I’m not typing, I ‘flap-touch’* the keyboard. I hadn’t realized that this was something that I did. But, now that I’ve noticed it, I know that I’ve been doing it forever... ** ’flap-touch’ is the best way to succinctly describe what it is that I’m doing. Think of a small, slow, flapping motion that only engages the top two knuckles on your four fingers (no thumb). It’s like that, but the tips of those four fingers make light contact with a particular, repetitive path, across the keyboard. It’s very rhythmic and does a good job of grounding me.