back from the dead

every three months he'll post and in the author's note there's some shit like "sorry this took a while, i got shot seven times :/" or "i know it's been a minute, i literally got hit by a bus and then stabbed in the leg, but i'm all good!" or sometimes ned would log in and post with a note "hey i'm a friend posting on the author's behalf, they're healing from severe hypothermia but promised an update, so here it is!"

and the fic just gets increasingly more popular for the author notes alone. a good handful of the comments are something along the lines of "i'm not even in the star wars fandom, i'm just here to see if the author is good" or "every update i cheer for another day the author gets to live at this point"

and any reader who is a native new yorker kind of pieces together that holy shit the author might be spider-man because the timeline adds up, and they just fully embrace it. spider-man will stop a robbery and the guy behind the counter will ask when the next chapter will be up. spider-man returns a stolen backpack to a girl and she'll tell him that he "really got poe's voice down so well, it's really impressive."

ned thinks it is hilarious. mj finds out about the fic from twitter, to peter's absolute horror, and changes peter's contact name to "friendly neighborhood ao3 author". but the worst thing to happen is after an avengers battle where peter took a pretty big hit and ends up in med-bay. and during a press conference, when someone asks how spider-man is healing, tony just drops "spidey won't be down for too long. the star wars fic will be updated within the week, probably."

-Bucky convinces Peter that if he accidentally swallows anybody’s spit, his voice will change and he’ll sound like them now. Sam swears to god it happened and that’s why he sounds like this because he accidentally swallowed his English teacher’s spit in third grade. Peter is Terrified.

-Sam literally dunks on peter and then shuri in rapid succession. They just wanted cereal

-shuri turns 16. Sam and Bucky are standing back as she gets a slice of cake and then WHAM nail her directly in the face with their slices

-Sam drives like a bat out of hades on the road while peter and shuri are screaming in the back, so Shuri makes them switch and just as she’s about to breathe a sigh of relief she hears peter go “oh no” and Bucky fucking GUNS IT

-peter gets permission from May and tony and they all draw something on his bedroom wall. Peter draws himself, Shuri makes like a fuckin masterpiece, Bucky draws an angry looking Sam and Sam draws Bucky wearing a dunce hat. they fight

-Bucky and peter steal Sam’s clothes while he showers, who, jokes on them, has absolutely no problem walking around stark fucking naked. Nice job

-Sam convinces peter to bow in front of t’challa sksjsjsndj

-shuri and peter play the “strike it” trick on Sam who retaliates by just dropping peter out of the fucking sky on shuri

-not like super high but they’re walking together and he swoops by and just fuckin… LAUNCHES peter at shuri

-she tries to run but it’s too late

-they’re smushed

-defeat is nigh

-so PETER retaliates by webbing Sam up on the ceiling while he sleeps. (With shuri’s help naturally) And when he wakes he send him up some more. He wastes two cans of web fluid keeping Sam on the ceiling

-Bucky laughs at him when he asks for help

-“team Winter Falcon has officially shot itself in the foot Bucky”

-“Bucky don’t leave me up here”

-“BUCKY—“

-the coward begs pepper who uses her Momly Powers of Momliness to cow shuri and peter into submission

-but they’re not done yet

-this is war

-shuri places a paint bomb in a bag of bucky’s blueberries

-he opens it and it explodes all over his face

-he’s a little startled but since it didn’t make a huge noise he’s mostly just irritated

-now he looks blue

-Sam gets a smoke bomb too but in his underwear lmfao

-swears to anyone who passes by that those kids are a menace and his nuts are completely ruined

-so now Sam and Bucky declare war

-“it’s on like donkey Kong”

-each side starts to accrue forces

-peter, Ned, shuri, (surprisingly) Natasha, Clint (and at one point, May and Fury.)

-team black hawk-spider

-a bit of a mouthful but it incorporates everyone

-Bucky, Sam, TONY, the TRAITOROUS BASTARD, Quill and Drax, whenever they’re around, and sometimes Scott will help

-team iron winter falcon

-remaining “neutral” are steve, Stephen and Banner

-Bruce is the only one who remains truly neutral. Hulk likes the pranks but poor Bruce gets so stressed out

-he can be roped into just about any prank though honestly

-Stephen helps both peter and tony but mostly peter since it’s so funny to watch tony flail around

-steve helps Bucky but is so willing to lay a good one on tony and Sam

-thor pranks EVERYONE. there are no sides. He’s chaotic prankster

-he manages to give everybody in the room a shock that makes their hair stand on end through a series of elaborate Rube Goldberg machines

-when they ask him how he did that he looks really wistful and says “I learned from the best”

-“loki?”

-“what? No. Frigga”