Unlock & Release

Finding Peace

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~ John 14:27~

I remember a moment as a child, probably around 2nd or 3rd grade, finding myself full of fearful thoughts while lying in bed at night. I headed downstairs and stood in the now dark doorway to my parents' room. They had gone to bed not long before, but they always welcomed our coming in when we were scared.

I remember asking my parents, “What about nuclear war? What if it comes?”

Don’t ask me where I had heard of nuclear war or why I was afraid of it in that moment. I don’t recall their answer as they, probably half-asleep, tried to address my left-field question. Whatever the answer, it put my young mind at ease, and I headed back upstairs to bed.

I don’t really recall a time when fear and anxiety weren’t part of my life. I could give master classes in the “art” of fear, worry, and anxiety. And I have requested many a time for God to remove that thorn, but like the Apostle Paul, God has kept it there, showing His strength in my weakness.

That said, there has been growth over the years, moving me away from the intensity of fear and lessons learned along the way. Here are three things I discovered from my journey with God amid my fear over nearly everything.

First, my worst case, the worst possible thing that I have ever imagined, has never happened, has never come to pass. Along with that, the bad things that did happen, incredibly, they either stopped short of the worst, did a U-turn, or took a hard right from what I thought would happen.

Which leads to the second lesson I learned. Recently husband and I were thinking over God’s goodness and faithfulness through the bad that has occurred in our lives and were struck again by being able to see God’s protection on the other side of bad.

For example, I not only start and finish something, but I hang on to the bitter end, whether that is what God wants for me or not. I made a commitment; I honor my commitments. But there are times God calls us away from certain commitments to new ones. Looking back, we saw He was calling us away from a situation to protect me/us from what was coming next, which would have been worse had I/we remained in that situation.

Quick sidebar to get to lesson three. Since 2012, I have chosen one word to focus on each year. I recently looked over the list and found myself in awe of how God has worked in and on me, not only through each word, but also at how every word built on the one prior to it.

In 2025, I sensed God calling me to spend more time with Him, to Abide in His presence.

To slow long enough to hear Biblical truths He wished to share with me.

Slowing down and stopping are things I just don’t do… or at least don’t do well. But by practicing abiding for a year, He prepared me for this year, which was to See.

To See His goodness in my past and in my present.

To See all my fears over the years have always been firmly in His grip and control.

To See how the proverbial “shoe dropping” didn’t always drop or that God caught it on the way down.

This leads to my third lesson. Before getting married to husband, almost eight years ago now, I remember thinking that once we got married, some of my fears would be over and then my worrying would lessen. Even as I thought that, deep down I knew it wasn’t true, but here’s to hoping!

Recently husband and I were talking about this, and for the first time in my 40-some years, I admitted having this thought process my whole life.

“If I just get through this worrisome thing, then my worry/fear/anxiety will be less.” But as we all know, life abhors a vacuum, and I would conveniently fill the newly vacated worry space with new worries.

My worry of “will husband leave me at the altar” turned into, “Will he leave when he has been married to me for a bit and really gets to know the real me,” which then turned into worry of…, which then turned into a worry of…, which then…you get the idea.

Now I know telling someone not to worry is like telling my husband not to sneeze during this incredibly high allergy season. “Just don’t worry” doesn’t take away the worry. Even as I write this, I admit to struggling just this morning on the way to work with fear/worry. However, I have found a few things that help me in my war on worry/fear/anxiety, and maybe they will encourage you also.

Talking it out has always alleviated my fears, and thank goodness, my husband, friends, and family are really great listeners.

Yet, there are things I wanted to do internally to push my growth and trust in God. For example, I cut out some of the noise. Other than writing a post now and again, I am not scrolling through social media. I have cut that noise out in an effort to lessen my anxiety and worry. Focusing on one word each year helps me re-center on God and on what He wishes me to Abide in – His presence and Word.

Interestingly, the more I Abide, which I continue to practice, the more easily the peace that passes all understanding, the peace Jesus spoke of during the Last Supper, is within my reach. It is not always natural for me to lean into, but it is present, and I have experienced it.

I often still have to work hard to accept it. The verse I quoted earlier is one I have rested in often when fear begins to rise in my heart and chest. To that end…

Abiding & To-Do Lists

Drop off the car.

Pick up the kids.

Call this person.

Set up that appointment.

Respond to that text.

Catch up on your email.

Get your groceries.

Cook supper.

Etc

Etc

Etc

Ever feel like your life is just one long to-do list? You get one thing done and add three more things that need doing. It’s exhausting. It’s grueling. It’s all-consuming.

During my “abide” quiet time this morning, I struggled to sit with Jesus for a time without my mind turning to all my “to-do’s” and racing down my many lists. The paradox of the moment was not lost on me as my abide time each morning includes sitting, stillness, and enjoying the peace of His presence. Instead, I felt my anxiety rising and my mind clicking faster than the second hand on any clock.

I realized how quickly I had strayed from abiding and worked at re-centering my thoughts on Him. Thankfully, He patiently waited for me to focus back on our time. He understands the mind He created for me and that while many areas in life are helped because of my ever-moving mind, there are also downfalls that need His refinement. Stillness. Creating space for peace. Creating space for Him is just a few.

For example, sometimes I am not 100% attentive when someone is talking to me because my mind is on my multiple lists. It could be the house, job, husband, family, friends, repairs (house, car, relationship, or otherwise!), shopping, church, things to think further on, or any other of a thousand lists I have in my head that while separate, stretch into one very long list of to-dos.

And because my personality is not one to procrastinate…they all need to be done TODAY!

While that allows me to successfully juggle multiple things at once, on the flip side it can be difficult to slow down my pace, breathe in God’s peace, and see the wonder of the world around me.

Our world is fast-paced. There is no getting around it.

But…there are ways to circumnavigate through it so you don’t have to keep that pace. Over the past year or so, my husband and I have become more and more intentional about trying to find that slower pace.

That meant saying no to things.

That meant God and each other got 1st and 2nd place in our lives.

That meant we didn’t work overtime or kill ourselves with side jobs to get extra cash.

That means we go to bed on time and don’t respond to texts other than friends/family after a certain hour.

And I guarantee…others won’t understand it and will try to push back on it.

This also doesn’t mean our struggle to pace well has lessened or that my husband and I have expertly paced well in the past. This is a 40+ year ongoing lesson littered with more failure than triumphs.

This also doesn’t mean we work less at our jobs or with our relationships with others. We are just a bit pickier about how we spend the time that is ours outside of those things.

Silent Night

After watching “The Star” last night and the delightful, child-like chaos it portrayed, the story still had me wondering, “Where is this silent night we sing about each Christmas?” Movies depicting the silent night, Christmas carols, Christmas crèches, Scripture itself, and my own imagination have the night as far from quiet, gentle, calm, or anything remotely close to sleeping!

According to Scripture, Joseph and Mary stayed in and birthed Jesus where the animals stayed which could have meant cows mooing, sheep and goats bleating, donkeys braying, chickens squawking, roosters crowing and doves cooing.

That’s not silent.

If they were in town or near the edge of it, Bethlehem was extra busy with the chatter of people from near and far due to the census, and the marketplace bustled with the additional selling and buying.

That is not silent.

One popular Christmas carol has hosts of angels singing after the birth. Hosts. Not one or two, which, being angels, would be loud already, but HOSTS of angels singing.

That’s not silent.

In another carol, shepherds crowd into an already crowded room, talking excitedly before heading off to the mountains to tell everyone what they saw and heard.

That’s not silent.

Yet another carol has a drummer boy drumming. I grew up with a brother who practiced drums every morning. Drums are not silent!

So where is this silent night sung about in one of the more well-known Christmas carols? Is it more a wish and a hope for what could be or is it something we can tangibly experience here on earth?

While we may not often feel moments of peace during the Christmas season or ever, those moments can be found. Those elusive peaceful moments are found in the silence as silence is what bridges the gap between craziness and peace. We have to cross the bridge of silence to experience peace. Silence is the space between chaos and peace.

Silence can look different to everyone and be experienced in so many ways.

It can be found in the falling of snow with only the twinkle of stars above you for light.

It can be found in a cup of hot chocolate.

It can be found in the quiet of the morning before the rest of the house is up.

It can be found in the moment right before drifting off to sleep.

It can be found in the lights strung on the tree or circling the houses in your neighborhood.

It can be found in the flicker of a candle.

It can be found in the carols we have sung for years at church and they still touch our hearts every time we sing them.

Troubled Hearts         

Yesterday afternoon found husband and I walking around a local war memorial. From the road it seems small and inconspicuous. But once you start to walk around, you realize it is quite sizable, spanning all the wars the United States was involved in during the 20th century.

As we were leaving, I turned to my husband and said, “Interesting, isn’t it? Over the span of 100 years the players in each of the wars remained relatively the same. The wars changed, but the players stayed the same for the most part. I am grateful for those who fought for our freedom and the freedom of others, but the powers that be who started those wars – what a waste! They pushed their agenda at the expense of many and for what? For power, money or an inch more of land.”

Trouble seems to follow humanity no matter what situation we find ourselves in and troubles of the heart only seem to grow with age and time. Last week Wednesday, I woke up with a troubled heart for no reason other than it was Sept 11 and I knew many families were grieving and hurting that day. My heart continued to feel troubled throughout the day due to a variety of on-going concerns in my personal life, producing a general feeling of icky-ness and low-grade anxiety throughout the day.

A good many of us can relate to this ever constant, always in the background, low-level anxiety that seems to perpetually reside in the heart. For some of us, we can point back to the start of our hearts being troubled to around the time we turned toward adulthood. For others of us, we became aware of it more recently due to its poignancy during Covid.

And for many of us, that quiet hum became a quiet roar and never really left, even after Covid died down.

Amid political strife, war-torn countries reported on the news, and school shootings two weeks into school, we find ourselves with troubled minds and hearts. It can be hard to find joy or peace amid all the heartache and pain.

It’s no small wonder then that one of Jesus parting commands to His disciples was, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me” (John 14:1). Just a few breaths later Jesus extends peace to those troubled hearts. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)

I have cherished these verses more the older I get. And because my stubbornly fearful heart often refuses to truly hear these words, I need to repeat them over and over again to push back the fear that rises in my troubled heart.

What I love about these verses is Jesus knew that as His followers, we had to go out into that troubled world to build His kingdom which meant our hearts would also be troubled. He knew that was part of following Him and He doesn’t pretend otherwise. But neither does He leave us to fend for ourselves. He extends peace to all who follow Him if we but ask.

Because the reality is our hearts will be troubled.

The reality is our hearts will break.

Caught Up in the Questions

For the past few years, despite the fact I am adding years to my faith walk, my questions concerning faith issues have become stronger, deeper and more frightening in that the answers seem more elusive than ever. It seems the more years I add to my faith walk, the more questions I have and the more unsettled I feel by the fact I don’t have all the answers. I struggle to reconcile what I know of Scripture to questions that should not be plaguing me at this point in my life… unsettled I feel by the fact I don’t have all the answers. I struggle to reconcile what I know of Scripture to questions that should not be plaguing me at this point in my life…or at least I don’t want them to plague me. I feel I should “be past all that!”

Part of this could simply be that from August of 2020 until May of 2023 I was immersed in the world of intensive theology while in school getting my masters in Practical Theology. My job for nearly three years was to ask the hard questions. That said, what stunned me more than anything was that during that time, I wasn’t wrestling with the super hard theological questions, but the ones that are what a Christian would call more basic faith. I mean what the what?! I should have had this locked down a long time ago!

And yet…

I found myself wrestling and at times still wrestling with some of the more basic faith issues.

“Why would God create a world with the possibility of evil?”

“How could a God who cannot tolerate evil, somehow still create a world that allowed for it? Where did evil come from in the first place then?”

“Do I really believe?” (to hear wonderful thoughts on answering that question and saving faith, go here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzlM8Lx0LPg. Start at minute 36:00)

“Despite my belief in Jesus, do I really believe? Could I still go to hell?” My pastor Grandpa had a good answer for that question: “If you are afraid of going to hell, you are not headed there because if you are, you don’t care either way.”

Believe me, I sensed the great irony that I was getting my MA in Practical Theology and I was wrestling with questions that were a lot more simple in their answers when I was a child. Why were the answers more simple? Because I wasn’t asking the questions. I just believe that I loved Jesus and more than that, Jesus loved me and died for me. The end.

But that is the point, isn’t it? Faith like a child isn’t just something Jesus suggested because it is a good practice, but because as adults we can get so caught up in the theology and questions we forget that faith is all God asks for from us.

That is NOT to say questions, theology and wrestling with faith are unwelcome to God. He welcomes all of that and more. However, He never wants us to lose sight of all He asks from us is faith, even if we don’t have the answers to the questions.

And hopefully in the wrestling and asking questions comes a strengthening of faith, a growth in our knowledge of God. Those are wonderful gifts given by God. But we still must keep them in perspective so as not to overwhelm our faith with questions to the point we are questioning our faith itself.

As a famed theologian Karl Barth said when asked how he would encapsulate all the theology he ever learned and preached, he answered with, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

“Peace, I Give You”

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”      ~Philippians 4:7~

This week saw husband and I meet a rather significant life change, one we did not choose but one that chose us. While there is part of me that wishes I could have chosen the life change and not have it chosen for me, the peace that followed is something I have never experienced in my nearly 41 years on this earth. I have heard other believers speak of it but never felt it to this level myself.

For the past month, we sensed this life change might take place and were praying we would follow God whatever that may be, and go through whatever door He would open. Then, starting about two weeks ago, my devotions and Scripture readings were full of words like “provide,” “change,” “with you,” and “peace.”

At the time, I don’t think either of us wanted to admit it, but we knew something was ending and something else was beginning. God was preparing our hearts and minds for this scary change and promising that His provision and care weren’t going anywhere.

After the dust settled, I realized that through it all, I felt immense peace and still do. I have NEVER reacted this way to something like this before…like ever! My reaction was such that I don’t think those around me were quite sure what to do with my response. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to do with my peaceful mind and heart and kept giving credit to God, whom I knew was giving His peace to the queen of worry and anxiety. He was lovingly and carefully guarding my heart and mind.

Now, I will be the first to say it is a moment-by-moment peace, and there have still been moments amid this when I struggle not to worry. There are many details to consider after a significant life change, especially one you did not choose and did not wholly expect. There are emotions to sort out and grief that needs to be sat with to move forward.

All this to say, I am grateful for a God who is there in each moment, seeing, caring, loving, and engaging my heart and mind with peace when I get anxious. I am grateful for the people He put in our lives to speak words of encouragement and prayer over us. I am grateful for a God who prepares me for an impending change through the words He speaks over me through His Word and the words of others weeks in advance.

Mercies Anew

Since 2012 I have kept a daily God-sighting journal. Each day I write down three ways I saw God the previous day and mark the date. I keep it simple with my sightings being more about seeing everyday blessings than the big miracles we experience a few times throughout life. I am currently in the upper 8,000s with my God-sighting journal and recently, found myself seeing them more than I normally do, given some abnormal circumstances.

Last weekend, husband and I experienced a flurry of ER visits, tests, doctors, nurses, waiting rooms, more tests, and finally answers to an ailment that had plagued me for almost two weeks. The answer included surgery. Been there, done that four times previously…walk in the park…right?

Not so much. This was a very different, very pain-filled surgery, with a very different recovery. While that surprised me, husband and I did not find ourselves discouraged. Discouragement was far off because we were experiencing God’s mercies anew every morning. God-sightings came in so fast I couldn’t keep track of them all.

God-sightings like…

The excellent care of the surgeon and nurses. Their kind words and tender hearts calmed my own fears and eased my pain. Mercies anew…

The woman who took my meal order daily while in the hospital told me to order as much as possible. But why? I was eating crackers like a bird. “What you order and don’t finish your husband can eat for a meal.” Needless to say, husband was WELL fed. Mercies anew…

Hospital policy now allowed husband to spend the two nights I was in the hospital with me. Mercies anew…

Husband who never left to go home an hour away and freshen up, but stayed with me through it all, sleeping on a less-than-comfortable futon. Mercies anew…

The gentle hospital housekeeper who told us her story of pain while exuding a spirit of constant grace and love for the Lord. Mercies anew…

My parents and siblings (by birth and marriage), who checked in on my progress constantly via phone calls or texts. Mercies anew…

My parents who sent an uplifting, funny gift while I was in the hospital, knowing I could use the laugh. Mercies anew…

My mother-in-law who made a meal fit for a king for us and drove an hour each way just to deliver it to us. Mercies anew…

My church family who sent a lovely plant arrangement, provided meals and prayed hard over both husband and I. Mercies anew…

My co-workers who had a gorgeous flower array delivered to our condo. Mercies anew…

My BIL and SIL who sent a meal via mail saying “Surgery calls for chicken noodle soup!” Mercies anew…

My supervisor who told me, “We will handle things till you return. Focus on getting well!” Mercies anew…

Our Lifegroup who prayed and checked in regularly on us. Mercies anew…

A girlfriend who lives across the country, praying over me during their service of healing on Sunday. Mercies anew…

My Lifegroup friend who knew I hated to miss attending husband’s spring concert, held her phone up for the whole hour, calling me through Google Meet so I could still hear and see the concert. Mercies anew…

We were overwhelmed by the mercies anew, sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis. We did not want this to happen and certainly did not ask for it to happen during the busiest time of my husband’s year. And yet, mercies anew…again and again and again.

Fear Not

Lying in bed last night, trying to get to sleep, my heart and mind suddenly flooded with fear. Immediately I felt any sleep I hoped to get leave and also felt frustrated at yet another sleepless night – something that is becoming more common the older I get.

However, I also found myself instantly sending out a prayer for calm, peace, and clear thinking. I knew my fear was born out of superstition and my ongoing struggle living on the edge, waiting for life’s proverbial shoe to fall. Amid my prayer, God brought to mind my last two annual theme words and my word for this year…believe…hope…unafraid.

As I thought through the words and continued to pray, I found my heart settling and our family motto coming to mind, “God’s arm is long enough” (Numbers 11). Aka it’s long enough to reach into my fears and even long enough if the worst-case scenario should actually occur.

Having sung “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands” as a child, the same gusto with which I sang it then, doesn’t always translate into adulthood. Oh, to have the faith of a child! As children we trust and believe because life has not jaded us yet. But Jesus said this to adults, adults who had been jaded. Which means that faith in the face of fear is possible as an adult.

Thankfully Jesus understands the fears of adults. Over and over in the Gospels, He tells his disciples and followers to “fear not.” He knows fear all too often can be a driving force in our actions and words. He knows how utterly debilitating it is. He knows that fear is a powerful weapon in the devil’s arsenal. I am grateful we serve a God who knows our fears, understands them, and instead of judging us for them, gently tells us to “fear not.”

Heavenly Ripple

Yesterday evening, while sitting inside, protected from Siberia-like temperatures, my Mom read a devotion from an Advent devotional she and my Dad have been reading through the Christmas season. This particular devotion focused on Joseph and how Joseph was silent throughout the Christmas story. The audience doesn’t hear his thoughts or words. One reason for this might be, as the author pointed out, is because Joseph’s role in the story is to point to the purpose of the Christmas story…Jesus coming.

This author agrees with that point 100%. But as Scripture is alive and active, God can bring out multiple meanings and lessons from Joseph’s story. For example, the ripple effect his story has had on the Kingdom of God by pointing back to Jesus every time has lasted for over 2,000 years. Even more amazing is that each of us has been called to be ripples in God’s kingdom.

And looking at Joseph’s ripples can encourage us in our own. Going back to the devotional’s original point, Joseph didn’t say any words throughout the Christmas story. For those of us who struggle with words or public speaking, it is encouraging to realize that actions are just as powerful, if not more so than words.

Ripple…

For those of us who don’t struggle with words, it can teach us that silence, a kind smile, or gentle touch can be impactful too.

Ripple…

For those of us who wonder if our personality can offer anything to God’s kingdom, I get the sense Joseph probably wondered the same thing. I gain comfort through his silence as I wonder if he was a fellow introvert. While I love people, it drains me more quickly of energy to be around people a lot. Which, being in ministry has me wondering why in the world God would call me to a people-focused career.

But maybe that is the point, because of my introverted nature, I lean more into God, and those around me see my strength comes not from myself.

Ripple…

For those of us who doubt what God says is truth, we see the same in Joseph, and we see God welcomes all people, doubts and all. While he didn’t want to embarrass Mary, he didn’t believe she had been visited by an angel and was going to produce Israel’s long-awaited Messiah. He doubted and needed an angelic visit of his own. It is encouraging to the rest of us who struggle to line up our realities and doubts with God’s truth and promises.

Ripple…

Most of all, ripples aren’t big splashes. They simply cause the next ripple, which affects the whole body of water. While Joseph’s story is in Scripture, his is a fairly minor role…much like the many millions of Christians who have faithfully lived and followed God in the time since Joseph. They pursued God’s kingdom here on earth without acclaim or having books written about them, or landing in the pages of history, or having a street or scholarship named after them. They quietly followed and made ripples right where they lived and worked.

In case you think a ripple must be more of a snowball effect, gaining speed, strength, and size as it rolls down the hill, let me leave you with a ripple story I recently heard.

A young lady moved across the county to attend college. One of her first classes included reading Scripture for every assignment. Her parents heard about this and wished to learn alongside her. So, for the entire semester, read the same passages she read and discussed them together.

Lesson Learned

If I am being completely honest, which I always try to be in life, and on this blog, I have been dreading my birthday this year, now less than two weeks away. I am hitting the next decade, and even though I know in my head it is just a number, the number is still higher than my heart would like.

That said, my body from the hips downward agrees with the number as the heating pack has become my best friend, husband thinks we should find a permanent way to plug my sciatic irritated leg into the wall for constant heat, and my chiropractor should really be on my Christmas card list with how much back adjustment I need.

THAT said…I recently reflected on how 40 isn’t just the new 30 or how I wish I were younger other than wishing certain body parts were not falling apart. It is something to be celebrated and enjoyed. It is something that comes with more wisdom than my 30 or 20-year-old self. I often think I would not want to be 20 again unless it came with the wisdom of life I now possess.

At 30 I was not yet married with no prospects. I enjoyed single life and was delightfully surprised when God walked husband into my life 4 years later. Relationships with husband, friends, and family are not the same as when I was 20 or 30. All of them have grown, and some of them have amicably ended.

I have grown in faith and sometimes cringe at my 20- and 30-year-old naivety and immature way of dealing with life and God. It makes me wonder what will make me cringe when I am 50 about my 40-year-old self.

Despite the losses, my gains far outweigh the losses. Life is rich and full – full of hurt and pain, but also beauty, joy, and wonder. I continue to learn and explore new things and wonder at my constant hunger for knowledge and curiosity about the world around me.

Since my 30th birthday, I have visited places I never thought I would go, tried new foods, read new books, began a new career, decided to head back to grad school, found marriage to be utterly delightful, and God to be even bigger than I ever could have imagined. On the flip side, I have faced my share of heartache and fear-driven moments, finding God to be intimately present in those moments as well.

If I had to sum up my greatest takeaway lesson from my 30s, in a word, that word would be GRACE. Grace in all its forms found its way into my life and taught me how much of life can be driven and healed through grace.

It was a good lesson, and I eagerly look forward to what God will teach me in this coming year and decade.

Back to Basics

 Since August of 2020 my life has consisted of studying, coffee, working, coffee, sleeping, coffee, repeat. Sometimes not enough of the last one and too much of the first! With 100% support of my husband, early in 2020 I decided to go back to school to get my master’s degree in Practical Theology. So for a year and a half now I have been completely immersed in theology, books, commentaries, varying opinions and Scripture.

While I have thoroughly enjoyed all that I am learning, I found myself a bit un-nerved by the fact I began questioning some of the basics of faith. I was not questioning whether I was saved, but questioning basic core beliefs inside faith, questioning if I could in fact, fall outside the realm of God’s grace.

On the flipside, I was kicking myself all over the place because I struggled to reconcile how I could be studying hard theology but still wrestling with basic questions all while staring down the last year of my third decade. I am turning 40 this year for Pete’s sake! How can I be struggling with the basics?! I’m not young or a new Christian and yet I was still finding myself with doubts and questions.

Questions began to bubble to the surface because of my doubts. Questions like, “What was going on?” “What was God doing?” “Why now?” But more than any other question, the one that surfaced the most was, “What is wrong with me?!”

Interestingly, amid all those doubts, my Dad preached a sermon at my home church that resonated with my struggle. As I watched it, I found my fears calming, my doubt quieting and my questions, though still un-answered, not as pressing. What is interesting is that even though what he said in his sermon were things I had heard many times while growing up, hearing them again brought a peace and balm to my troubled soul.

Among other things, he not only spelled out the basics of faith in an understandable way using Romans 8 and 10, he put humanity back into the faith walk by allowing for doubt to be part of the Christian’s life and removed the shame Christians often feel when they find themselves in the throes of doubt.

Shame is unfortunately a powerful motivator for all kinds of wrong things and one of the devil’s greatest tools. Shame keeps us quiet. Shame causes us to hide our doubt. Shame makes us believe things that aren’t true.

So, when shame is removed from the equation, there is a freedom there like no other. And that freedom is sweet indeed as it flows straight from the Cross itself.

Peace on Earth

I am one of “those” people who started listening to Christmas music in early October to the horror of my musically-trained husband. Music has its specific seasons and October isn’t included in the music-listening Christmas season according to him. I disagree.

Additionally, his argument is a bit shaky since he begins prepping his band and choir for their Christmas concert around the same time I turn on the Christmas tunes at home…in October. I have a feeling we will be arguing over this one until our 50th wedding anniversary or until he retires.

However, because Christmas music has been playing for over a month in my ears, that also means the words, “Peace on earth, goodwill toward men” has been sung more than once in various carols. While I love that message, I will be the first to admit, I feel anything but peace and goodwill around me and in me these days.

There are days I truly fear my commute to and from work because of the seemingly extra angry drivers on the road. This is backed up with stories I have heard about horrible confrontations because someone was cut off, shootings on the freeway and passing by the latest car accident in a string of many accidents I have passed by lately.

This feeling is not helped by the fact that face masks still cover many faces and so expressions cannot be read. This is not advocating for or against mask-wearing. Just stating a fact. But just the fact I have to add that last statement speaks to the high emotions and heated disagreements we have all been part of and thus, all so very far from peace on earth.

Add that to the fact that many people are trying to return to normal, or act like things are normal, or try to force normal and then confronted with the fact that life just isn’t normal anymore. That only increases frustration when one realizes that yet again, Covid has gotten in the way of normal.

Many times I find myself relating to the Casting Crowns version of “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” where one line says, “And in despair I bowed my head. ‘There is no peace on earth’ I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song. Of peace on Earth goodwill to men.”

I admit, I have felt that in my soul and in the hearts of those around me so often in the last 20 months. I am discouraged by the hate, the division, the violence, the pain and the suffering. How does one find peace on earth amid all that?

And yet…

Yet when I think of when the world, humanity, first heard those words, I begin to believe peace is not so far out of reach. Peace was spoken to a bunch of outcasts, on a hillside, in the middle of nowhere, at night. On top of which, the people receiving the message were under the thumb of the harsh Roman rule. Despite all that, God, through His angles spoke peace and gave the answer via His Son.

And there it is. Peace doesn’t depend on humanity. Peace was a Gift given to humanity for the taking, accepting and then putting it back out there for others to receive. We may sometimes fumble around and mess up in our extending that Peace to others. But Peace is never absent and will always find a way to show that peace and goodwill can be our reality.

Even in our world.

If you want to hear the whole Casting Crowns song (It’s definitely worth the listen!), follow this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7670CXvPX0

Little Graces

The last few weeks have been hard ones for husband and I. Actually…let’s be real…the last year has been hard. We are tired. We are tired of masks. We are tired of hearing the word covid. We are tired of separation. We are tired of bad news. We are tired of how it feels like everything these days has become a political issue rather than a humane or faith-based one. 

To say I have had more than a few moments of anger, fear and tears would be a vast understatement. There is a low-grade level of anxiety that has taken up permanent residence in my stomach. And more and more articles are starting to come out about the psychological fallout we are going to see after a year of dealing with Covid and human separation. 

I recently told my husband that I feel like I am in a constant state of free-fall, clawing at the side of the cliff I am falling down but not able to grasp anything. Just continually falling. 

I feel weary with life, at times angry with God and tired of all the bitterness and hate flying around social media. Enough that I was tempted to close my Facebook account if it weren’t for the fact I need it for my current job. 

That said…

That said, God has shown me little graces over the past couple of months that tell my tired soul He still is in control. He still is Lord over all. He still sees me. 

Little grace: when a dear friend insists on coming over to comfort you amid a stressful time (with two others volunteering if she didn’t), despite the fact you have covid, thus risking her own health.

Little grace: when another sweet friend brings over groceries when you are under quarantine and upon opening the bags, find she included a few other un-asked for treats inside, knowing you well enough the gifts were spot on!

Little grace: when husband suggests a walk in a local park to experience the taste of freedom after quarantine and the grass never smelled so good or looked so green.

Little grace: when friends encourage you to stay strong while getting your master’s when you just want to give up. 

Little grace: when your husband hugs you and simply listens when you beg him to approve your wanting to quit seminary, knowing he will still encourage in ways that keep you going amid the hard.

Little grace: when you get out of quarantine just in time to smell one of your top five smells: lilacs. They are known for their short season and I still didn’t miss it this year.

Little grace: after getting through an especially hard class, to have Scripture come alive even more because of what you just studied.

Little grace: to have multiple people reach out in prayer at a moment’s notice. 

Way Done

Since Christmas, I have felt in myself and seen in other people the sense of being way done and way over Covid and everything non-Covid. Between the riots at the capitol, the tension-ridden election and the fall-out on either side of the party aisle, the on-going fight against racism and the overall weariness of being stuck indoors, away from friends, away from the usual, waiting to getting the vaccine or just waiting, people are way done and way over pretty much everything right now. 

I have noticed this particularly in myself in the sense that I am more on edge, more crabby, a shortened temper, more tired than usual and a struggle to maintain a positive attitude in the face of it all. The stress, the worry, the pressure, the anxiety piles up and bends even the strongest…and I am by no means the strongest. 

A dear friend recently gifted me with an ESV journaling Bible, knowing my love of writing (however did she guess that?!) and I have been highlighting and writing in it with a vengeance ever since receiving it.

I currently find myself in the book of John and for the last two weeks been in the middle of Jesus’ speech to His disciples at the Last Supper. It is packed full of good stuff, hence taking my time reading through it. Ten days ago I read the verse that starts chapter 14 and it continues to stick with me because of the tension-filled under-current we find ourselves in. 

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in me.”  ~John 14:1 (ESV) ~

This verse struck me as my heart remains in a constant state of ‘troubled’ these days. What struck me even more are the words that followed. Believe and again, believe. My 2021 word is…yup…believe. This word is all-encompassing this year. Believe God has a plan. Believe I am worth the air I breathe. Believe God loves me. Believe amid all the crazy going on around me, that I can make a difference. Believe God is bigger than all the crazy going on around me and any fear I have. 

I find it interesting that believing is the answer to hearts being troubled in this verse. And yet after sitting on the message of that verse for the last few weeks, it also makes perfect sense. My belief in God at times is shallow deep, but He still provides peace in my weak belief. Other times my belief in God is limited to simply saying His name while in a panic and yet…peace can follow. 

Silent Night and Heavenly Peace

Our condo mirrors the quintessential Christmas card look this afternoon. Fresh raspberry jam sugar cookies fresh out of the oven. Chili on the stove for supper. Christmas tree lit with presents wrapped under it. Enjoying a quiet and peaceful afternoon is just what this soul needed. 

I find it interesting all those pleas and bargains we made with each other and with God in past years that “next year we would not be as busy” and that “we would slow down and enjoy the holidays”, are actually coming to fruition this year whether we wanted it to or not. 

Now I believe the pandemic we currently find ourselves in is a result of living in a broken world rather than God’s will. That said, I also believe He is once again using a bad thing for good. I am enjoying Christmas in a fresh way this year because I am working from home more and so thereby enjoying our décor more. I love the non-crazy feeling of this year I don’t experience nearly every other year. 

I will be the first to admit this is not the answer I was looking for when I wanted things to slow down. And that I cannot WAIT for Covid to be a distant memory, and hugs, seeing friends, and going out are normal again. But I have found blessing inside the bad with the forced slow-down this year. Certain things seem more important and others less so. 

Spending more time with my husband this Christmas than any other has brought such joy to me. Making cookies for our neighbors again meant more to me this year after the year we have all had together. Participating in person at our church’s weekly service last Sunday while live streaming to the rest of the congregation truly fed my spirit. The things we do “normally” at Christmas have taken on a deeper and more personal meaning this year because it’s a lot harder to take simple things for granted. 

The Small Things

Yesterday while picking up coffee from the Starbucks drive-thru, quite accidentally the worker and I brushed hands when I was handed my coffee. It jolted my senses and other than for Covid sanitary reasons, I wondered why this stood out so much to me. Then I realized, other than one brief side hug to a friend a month ago, I have had zero physical contact with anyone other than my husband or immediate family for nine months. 

NINE months!!!

When I was single, the lack of physical touch always gnawed at me as all humans need physical contact. So you think I would have gotten used to it. Nope. I never did. In all my 15 years of singleness, I never got used to the lack of human connection. And now, since March, most of us have forgone hugs, handshakes and pats on the back from people we know and love. 

And yet…

And yet despite all the things we are missing because of Covid, these nine months have at times (at least for myself) accentuated other things I missed because I was so caught up in being busy and stressed out by life. L

ike the fall colors, I always thoroughly enjoy the fall colors but for some reason this year they seemed extra good. Maybe they actually were. Maybe I stopped longer this year to look at them. Maybe these fall colors were bright spots amid Covid-gray days and caused a deeper appreciation in me for the “smaller” things. 

Like the smell of coffee in the morning.

Like the blue sky and fresh air. 

Like the anticipation of the holiday season.

Like the sound of a fire crackling. Like snow on the ground…nope, sorry. Still can’t get behind that one. 

While I can’t wait for Covid to be gone from this world, to hug my friends again, to sit next to my church family, to have a date night with my husband at our favorite restaurant, the “small” things are still there reminding us that this too shall pass. 

That there are still good things happening all around us. 

Geico and Trolls

The Geico HOA commercial you see on TV? #Truth. So very, very, VERY true.

Husband and I have had a few “violations” with our HOA. Most of them, while frustrating, we have fixed and then moved on with life. Our most recent ‘infraction’ however had this girl up in arms and super steamed. 

Three months ago, upon receiving our “in violation” letter, I promptly sat down at the computer and began pounding out a letter to the board. Not kidding, I was POUNDING the keys enough that hubby tentatively asked if he could please read said email before I sent it. He was concerned my pounding would end with us on the street. 

Interestingly enough, however, what I meant to have come out didn’t come out…and yet it did. Let me explain. 

I wanted to eviscerate the offended through my letter. But what ended up coming out was a letter that was respectful, yet very much to the point. Only one sentence that ended up getting deleted came out a bit sarcastic and snarky. To be honest, this surprised me. I thought it would need a lot more editing.  

I partly thought it would need more editing because it wasn’t me personally they were attacking. They were attacking my husband. And that ladies and gents, gets my hackles up faster than anything else possibly could. Both hubs and I have noticed that we get far more angry/irritated/frustrated/defensive when it is our spouse who is being attacked as opposed to ourselves. 

The other reason my level of restraint surprised me was I was beyond hoppin’ mad. I was beyond angry. I was FUMING!!!!!

Now I don’t say talk about my restraint to pat myself on the back. I say this because I am grateful to have been raised in a way that shows respect to other human beings. No matter how much I disagree with them, no matter how much they may or may not be in the wrong, no matter much I want someone to hurt, I was taught to respect God’s image-bearers. 

I also had a very strong sense that the Spirit was more at the keys than I was that day. There were many times I sensed I wasn’t in control of how the wording was formed. It came out in a way that was more respectful and it got the point across better than how I originally intended it to sound. Thank you, God for your Spirit’s direction – especially as I don’t always heed it!

The whole reason I was recently thinking about something that happened over 3 months ago, is because the closer we get to the election, the more we all are seeing an increasing amount of disrespect among so many in the way they treat (aka troll) others online. Trolling really comes out to play with no filter especially when we are talking politics. 

I am weary of politics. Not politics in the sense of fighting for what is right. Politics in the sense that EVERYTHING becomes political and you must choose one side or the other. Politics in the sense that nice, normal, sane, respectful people suddenly turn beastly on-line. Somehow online behavior is allowed to be separate from in-person behavior. 

The way those who claim Christ while writing mean, disrespectful and downright cruel posts on-line at times floors me. You don’t have to like someone. You don’t have to agree with someone. You don’t even have to respect them. But whether we like it or not, everyone is created in God’s image…yes even the person in politics you despise. Even if there is nothing else to like, this fact demands that level of respect that doesn’t disregard His image. 

Please know I am not talking about speaking out against evil, bad policies or bad politics. We are also called by Christ to call evil out as He often did with the Pharisees or Paul did with the Galatians. But there is a vast difference between calling someone to the carpet and throwing them under it. That was the Pharisee's response to Jesus after He called them out on their wrongs. Christ demands better than name-calling, back-stabbing and pettiness all in the name of politics.