The last few weeks have been hard ones for husband and I. Actually…let’s be real…the last year has been hard. We are tired. We are tired of masks. We are tired of hearing the word covid. We are tired of separation. We are tired of bad news. We are tired of how it feels like everything these days has become a political issue rather than a humane or faith-based one.
To say I have had more than a few moments of anger, fear and tears would be a vast understatement. There is a low-grade level of anxiety that has taken up permanent residence in my stomach. And more and more articles are starting to come out about the psychological fallout we are going to see after a year of dealing with Covid and human separation.
I recently told my husband that I feel like I am in a constant state of free-fall, clawing at the side of the cliff I am falling down but not able to grasp anything. Just continually falling.
I feel weary with life, at times angry with God and tired of all the bitterness and hate flying around social media. Enough that I was tempted to close my Facebook account if it weren’t for the fact I need it for my current job.
That said, God has shown me little graces over the past couple of months that tell my tired soul He still is in control. He still is Lord over all. He still sees me.
Little grace: when a dear friend insists on coming over to comfort you amid a stressful time (with two others volunteering if she didn’t), despite the fact you have covid, thus risking her own health.
Little grace: when another sweet friend brings over groceries when you are under quarantine and upon opening the bags, find she included a few other un-asked for treats inside, knowing you well enough the gifts were spot on!
Little grace: when husband suggests a walk in a local park to experience the taste of freedom after quarantine and the grass never smelled so good or looked so green.
Little grace: when friends encourage you to stay strong while getting your master’s when you just want to give up.
Little grace: when your husband hugs you and simply listens when you beg him to approve your wanting to quit seminary, knowing he will still encourage in ways that keep you going amid the hard.
Little grace: when you get out of quarantine just in time to smell one of your top five smells: lilacs. They are known for their short season and I still didn’t miss it this year.
Little grace: after getting through an especially hard class, to have Scripture come alive even more because of what you just studied.
Little grace: to have multiple people reach out in prayer at a moment’s notice.
Sometimes amid the bad, all I can look for are the small graces. Sometimes that is all there is and so I cling to those moments I know God provided, knowing at the same time that this particular free-fall will end. I will land on my feet, the bend in the road will straighten and I will keep walking, following His lead. I pray we all can see the small graces He provides and just keep walking, keep following.
