not a dice stan account

me, who has petted this exact same cat at least a thousand times before:

Finally finished this piece about the toxic beauty standards imposed by my parents while growing up. Painting all those eyes felt both meditating and drove me insane.

TW: child abuse

I included some of the comments my family has made about my appearance over the years, some of which are contradicting, just to show how impossible it was to please their toxic beauty standards. To them, I was always too skinny and too fat at 115lb. And being 5'6 was too short.

My mom told me to get plastic surgery for my monolid eyes, because only double lidded eyes are considered beautiful by Chinese standards. She pointed to her friend's daughter, who did get plastic surgery for her entire face, and said how much better the girl looked, how I should be like that.

My dad commented on my flat chest, asking how come my mom has boobs while I don't. My stepmom pointed out the frown lines around my lips, saying I don't smile enough. My stepmom always bullied me to the point of crying (by calling my mom a whore and such), so she knows exactly why I don't smile enough. My stepdad said my personality is too horrible to get a normal job, so I would have to prostitute myself, but that I'm too ugly to get clients so I would starve. When I told my mom what he said, she told me to stop lying.

After a lot of therapy for my CPTSD, I can look back and realize that they were the ugly ones, in all sense of the word. But for so long I had such little self-esteem, I would avoid photos. At my first artist alley over a decade ago, fans of my art wanted photos with me but I was too ashamed of myself to accept. I've improved a lot and no longer fear being photographed. I still struggle with other aspects of my childhood abuse (a story for a different day), but with each passing year I feel like I'm regaining bits of myself.

___

A peek of the painting process, the full hours long videos will be DMed on my Patreon on Sep 5th

hi friends, it's me ur local fruit.

i don't often like to ask for help, especially in times like this, but i think some help would make things a lot easier for me right now.

the what: i need help w/ legal fees to file for bankruptcy

the why: my parents took financial advantage of me right out of college and have left me with a lot of debt that i cannot deal with, and they are in no place to help being disabled and on a fixed income.

i know there's tons of other people out there who need help, but really anything is helpful. i'll update the number below when/if things come in. i want to get this done asap so i can get the filing going and everything in order.

$120/$1400

^ the very first pill I found & drew. couldn't identify it (markings rubbed off) but it looked very beautiful to me.

^pill no. 2: fluoxetine. my greatest find and finest crayon drawing. sorry to whoever lost their fluoxetine. I'll save it for a special occasion. I used a sharpie pen to clean up some lines on this one I think.

^ pill no. 3: ibuprofen. accidentally closed my laptop on this one, destroying it. and getting goop on my laptop. I found another one though. People drop a lot of painkillers. The first 2 used only colors from the classic 24 pack of crayons, but I had to break out extras from my childhood crayon collection for this one.

^pill no. 4: benadryl. this pill was crumbling inside its plastic when I found it, but it was intact enough to take home and draw! Hooray.

^pill no. 5: midol. this one was real scuffed up. I actually found an entire bottle of midol on another occasion, and someone's last 2 weeks of birth control yet another time, but those are the kind of things I leave behind because someone's likely to miss their entire bottle of midol or sealed birth control and come back for it.

^pill no. 6: unfinished advil/ibuprofen. I find a lot of painkillers, as mentioned, so I guess I got bored. I also have a drawing of acetaminophen that I am not posting because I don't like it.

^pill no. 7: severe tylenol. I didn't know such a thing existed until I found it on the ground. "severe tylenol" makes it sound like the tylenol is mean. this was among the more challenging ones and it's kinda rushed, but drawing the plastic was fun. just did this one an hour ago.

Enoki Stars 🌟⭐🌟

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more space mushrooms on my Patreon