I do not share personal information with strangers that may include: pictures of my face, phone number, email address, place of residence.
DMs are open for chat, if there's anything you'd like to ask me that you're interested about, or you just want to talk, feel free to do so. This is one of the reasons why this blog is made anyway.
Open for sexting, ERP, thirst texting - though these who don't respect my boundries will be blocked/reported.
I have OSDD1a (diagnosed) and an oculocutaneous albinism,
I'll use this blog to:
talk about my life [which may include NSFW topics]
share and reblong articles/posts about OSDD/Albinism
or anything else I find interesting
Generally speaking, if you are sensitive to NSFW content, leave. Overall, I don't recommend children and teenagers to interact with this blog at all.
About my system:
I am a newly discovered system, and for now I am only aware of three distinct parts of myself. I mostly go by the same name in daily life, but when I describe my 'alters' (parts), I use code names that we have mutually agreed upon within the system.
1. B [my name] or just B
- I am a co-host of the system and a creator of this blog
- There is 90% chance that you'll talk with me if you interract with my blog
- My age is equal to the body
- I do the talking
- I like sex (and things related to it) I talk a lot about it
- In terms of personality I'm an ENTJ (though I take it with reserve)
- I like all kinds of things, organ rock [mainly Doors] (fuckmeJim), snakes, fashion, garage rock, but not only that, my style is as specified as my disorder
- chain smoker (constantly forced to quit)
- and I'm quite feminine/elegant in comparasment with the two
2. Neo or N1
- Primary host of the system (lived the longest before second split (10 years))
- Not interested in flirting
- Age is equal to the body as well
- Sometimes appears slightly rigid and cold on the surface
- Our problemsolver
- INTJ 5w6, very reserved
- Interests blurred with the little one and B
3. Child or Cruddy Crow (CC) or just C
- Our Little one
- rarely fronts but can influence
- more connected to Neo then B
- 8-10 years old?? (acts younger, claims to be 9)
- autistic symptoms (due to dissociation, we are not autistic)
- really likes toys and puzzles
- awkward and shy
- called himself after his favorite toy (Cruddy Crow is a rare, transparent garbage pack toy)
(I didn't know that it will turn out this big) It looks 100% like my boyfriend
How we got these names:
The name division of us hosts started with something basic, we used to distinguish ourselves as A [name] and B [name]. We weren't exactly fond of using 1. [name] and 2. [name], since numbers aren't initials, and it felt weird to use any other initials that didn't begin in an alphabetical order. Eventually, we realized that A [name] could be read as though the "A" were an indefinite article rather than an initial, so we decided to change it. He didn't want to be called anything other than our common name, and the numbers were out of question, as well as greek alphabet (Alfa hahahaha) so we finally agreed to call him Neo (as 'one', and it sounds similar to our name) which I find hilarious
Little one specifically wanted to be called after a toy, but all of his favorite toys have diabolical names. I was against him being called 'cruddy' and suggested to only keep the crow, but he insisted on it. N1 accepted this name because it suited him that we should all be arranged in alphabetical order A, B, C [name].
Note:
I don't know my triggers clearly. This blog was specifically created by me (B) and N1 should not interfere it. If it happens it was done by accident. Him and I are very symilar and co fronting can often happen without me realizing exactly who is who
If you are curious about my trauma, I don't remember it at all. I don't remember anything before I turned 11
I have many more parts but it's really foggy and hard to tell who is who, I've just started with therapy
I'm absolutely open to talk with both singlets and plurals
My disorder don't define me, I discovered it recently so it is my major topic right now, but before I knew about it, I was known for many other things
Don't compare me to the DID people, OSDD1a and DID are not the same disorder, I don't have alters but parts of the same personality
New update. Lately, I've been under intense stress and I split again. Neo couldn't handle the stress so he left with CC. Because of that, our system weakened, the emotional parts started appearing more frequently and taking control. I feel the need to describe my system in more detail. So, besides the three of us, there are also:
4. Emotional parts (Everyday EPs)
Unknown triggers
They carry vehement emotions that are not connected to our childhood trauma (?)
There are multiple parts, and I can't determine exactly how many there are or who they belong to (which ANP they broke off from)
Fragments rather than fully developed parts
They don't have names, and they all represent me
Completely irrational
5. Sexual parts (Sexual EPs)
Split off from me (B), carry the emotional weight of bad (traumatic) sexual experiences that are not connected to childhood trauma (?)
There are multiple parts and they carry different memories
Kinky and self-destructive, masohistic, they want to be dominated
Extremely complex sexual fantasies
They will do whatever they can to satisfy their needs
6. Trauma holders (Trauma holders EPs)
They carry childhood trauma
I know almost nothing about them
They are all stuck at an age under eleven
Nonverbal(?) Hidden
Memories come in the form of flashbacks rather than clear narratives
Unclear triggers, they are never heard as voices
I've already listed all the parts that existed before the split. Since Neo and CC left, I've been left alone to deal with them. The emotional and sexual parts are terribly loud and overwhelming. The loudest and most intrusive one is a new, distinct EP:
7. M-EP ('Jelaous' EP)
Hates one specific person who is close to my boyfriend and thinks only about him non stop
I can't get rid of it, and the more I suppress it, the more unpredictable it becomes
Feels neglected and betrayed by our boyfriend
Patheticaly devoted to our boyfriend
Abadonment issues
Brings us into worst kinds of panic attacks
Honestly, I'm ashamed of this alter, but it is one of the most powerful in my system. It was so hard for me to fight all those emotions that I started weakening, and they were completely taking over. That's why I (my brain, unconsciously) created two new alters to help me fight it off:
8. Jim (Morrison)
My first factive introject
System protector
Has a different voice from all the other alters, far more defined than the rest (DID red flag???)
Interested in Shamanism, poetry, spiritualism and writing
Loves alcohol (that's what we share [-B])
Bisexual and dominant
Loves to sing (I want to kill myself...)
Loves to dress in leather, acts mischievous towards others
Personality type is somewhere close to ENTP or ENFP (I know Jim isn't either of those, but I don't choose what my alter is)
Confident, bold
Helps me with the system
Has a lot of interests that distract me from negative things, I let him front while I'm alone and want to rest
Flirts with everyone
9. S16 🌷
The first female alter
she/her, bi (?)
Caretaker of the system
Introject of someone I know
Emotional, gentle, loves people, wants to help
Sensitive and shy, usually don't front unless no one else can
Fashionable and artsy
Protective of the system
INFP (or INFJ, or ISFJ??? I don't know. I can't think about all of that)
Finds it hard to deal with other alters and people but does her best to manage because she loves me (i love her too, I'm glad she's here)
So I'd say I have around ten alters right now, give or take, because I don't know how many emotional parts, trauma holders, and sexual parts there are exactly in number. I've managed to map them out somehow, even though I'm barely getting by these days.
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This is going to be a longer post, because I keep seeing misinformation about this over and over, but it's not something that can be explained fully in a small number of words.
This post is about the requirements of DID development, and specifically why it is not true that DID can develop in response to any negative experience if the child's stress tolerance is low enough.
Other sources will be included when relevant, but most of this comes from the theory of structural dissociation through The Haunted Self.
The basics
In short, DID can only develop in response to complex trauma before the age of 6, up to about 8 at the latest. To be more specific, DID requires the child to experience multiple severe, prolonged and varied traumas involving betrayal or abandonment from their primary caregivers. A genetic predisposition to dissociation is also required, but that isn’t as relevant to this post.
When does the personality integrate?
Most people are aware that DID has to develop before the personality has fully integrated, which happens in early childhood. There isn’t an exact set age for when this happens, as psychological development is variable and hard to measure.
However, people will often claim that it happens far later than it actually does. To understand why this is wrong we have to understand what we actually mean when we talk about the personality integrating.
The human personality is made up of several different psychobiological systems of mental and physical actions we can take in response to our environment, and our understanding of those actions in relation to ourselves and the world.
These systems represent different functions of personality, such as attachment, self-care, exploration, reproduction, defense from threats, etc. There are multiple subsystems within these broader systems as well.
These systems maintain themselves through the continuous integration of the experiences had within these domains. If this integration fails, their cohesive functioning will falter and dissociation may develop (as dissociating away from the memories held within these systems will naturally cause the systems themselves to dissociate away from each other as well).
Both dissociation and integration are active processes, they must continuously maintain themselves and they will turn into the other if they fail to do so.
In a healthy adult, these personality systems function fluidly and cohesively, neither fully open nor fully closed to each other. They allow the person to seamlessly transition between different aspects of their personality as required, and create a base for a consistent identity to form on top of (which begins in late childhood and adolescence). It is not true that these parts all fuse into one singular entity; they simply come to achieve a basic level of cohesion that cannot be fully undone afterwards.
In early childhood, these parts still function quite rigidly. In order for them to achieve this baseline level of integration, the child needs to continuously process the experiences they have within these domains, and be able to make sense of them in relation to each other. This is a long process that makes up the majority of the psychological development of early childhood.
A child with an unintegrated personality will experience their personality systems separately, and will not be able to seamlessly transition between them. This is why young children seem so all over the place.
For example, a younger child may be happily playing by themselves one minute, and then screaming and crying for their mother the next. This is because the personality functions of exploration (subfunction: play) and attachment (subfunction: attachment cry) have not yet integrated, and therefore they cannot function fluidly.
An older child may instead quietly put down their toy and go to find their mother, because those two personality systems have been integrated. This is why the estimates for the exact age of when the personality integrates keep getting younger as the research progresses. Because how many children do you know above the age of 7 or 8 that function like the former instead of the latter?
For DID to develop, there must be a total failure in the integration of these systems due to the structural dissociation of traumatic memory preventing them from being processed as part of a cohesive whole.
And as we have established, dissociation is an active process. One singular instance of dissociation is not enough to prevent the integration of the personality systems. In order for them to be as separated as required for the development of DID, heavy dissociation must be maintained before these parts are expected to achieve full integration.
As such, the trauma (and resulting dissociation) must be prolonged before the age of around 6 to 8. Otherwise, the child will have made too much progress towards integration and not enough towards dissociation in order to form alters (although other trauma disorders are still a possibility). You can see this in the fact that on average, people with DID can trace back their first appearance of alters to around age 6 as stated here.
“The typical patient who is diagnosed with DID is a woman, about age 30. A retrospective review of that patient’s history will typically reveal...emergence of alters at about the age of 6”
To form noticeable alters, the person must have already experienced prolonged dissociation. Therefore, in order for the average patient to have alters emerge at age 6, their dissociation must have already been prolonged by that point, and the multiple traumas that caused said dissociation must have started significantly earlier. This is why the trauma itself starts at least before the age of 5-6, and often in infancy or the early toddler years.
From the DSM-V:
“In the context of family and attachment pathology, early life trauma (e.g. neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse, usually before ages 5–6 years) represents a risk factor for dissociative identity disorder."
From here (again):
“Putnam and his colleagues propose that DID arises from traumatized children’s inability to form a cohesive sense of self, leading to the emergence of alternate identities. This phenomenon is especially apparent when traumatic experiences occur before the age of 5.”
And from The Haunted Self:
“The older the child is prior to abuse and neglect, the more likely action systems of daily life have become more cohesive, and thus it is less likely that more than a single ANP would develop.”
This is why things such as bullying are very unlikely to cause DID on their own (although they may be a part of the person’s overall trauma history). That would require preschool children to be able to bully someone to the severity necessary to develop DID (more on that later), as any older age group would be too late to create the necessary degree of separation before the age of integration is reached.
Therefore, the complex trauma needs to occur long before the age of 6–8, almost always before the age of 5–6.
What is complex trauma?
The definition of complex trauma can vary slightly from source to source, but it is most consistently defined as experiencing multiple severely distressing events that are repeated and prolonged, involve betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers, and occur at developmentally sensitive time periods.
See the following definitions, sourced from here:
“We define complex psychological trauma as resulting from exposure to severe stressors that (1) are repetitive or prolonged, (2) involve harm of abandonment by caregivers or other ostensibly responsible adults, and (3) occur at developmentally vulnerable times in the victim’s life, such as early childhood or adolescence.”
And here:
“Complex trauma describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. They usually occur early in life and can disrupt many aspects of the child’s development and the formation of a sense of self. Since these events often occur with a caregiver, they interfere with the child’s ability to form a secure attachment.”
It is important to contrast complex trauma from the other two classifications of trauma: acute and chronic. They are defined as follows:
Acute: a singular, isolated traumatic event that engages a short-term sympathetic nervous system response. Includes one-off physical or sexual assault, natural disasters, accidents, etc.
Chronic: a prolonged or repeated experience of a traumatic event that engages a more long-term sympathetic nervous system response. Includes experiencing one type of prolonged abuse, prolonged medical trauma, etc.
More details here.
Acute and chronic trauma cannot cause DID, and neither can regular stressors (more on that in the next section). Low stress tolerance also cannot make acute or chronic trauma “turn into” complex trauma; they are distinct phenomena. Complex trauma always requires the experience of multiple different prolonged traumas involving betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers.
It is important to note that while severity of trauma is subjective, complexity of trauma is not. Perceiving a non-complex trauma as being more severe than an average person would does not transform that experience into complex trauma.
Why is complex trauma required for DID?
DID exists on what is called the tertiary level of structural dissociation. Structural dissociation refers to the abnormal dissociative compartmentalization of traumatic memories, which leads to a divide between the personality systems of daily life and defense from threats (and in more complex forms; the division of these systems within themselves).
The resulting divisions are apparently normal parts (ANPs) who do not contain traumatic memories and instead handle daily life, and emotional parts (EPs) who contain traumatic memories and the resulting emotional and behavioural responses.
There are three levels of structural dissociation that are cumulative, meaning they each build off the level that precedes them:
PTSD is on the primary level of structural dissociation, involving one ANP that comprises the majority of the personality and a rudimentary EP that holds the traumatic memory (which is usually acute, sometimes chronic). The separation between these parts is minimal.
C-PTSD and trauma-based personality disorders are on the secondary level, involving one ANP that still compromises most of the personality, but several EPs that may be slightly more elaborated than in PTSD. This occurs when a person experiences multiple traumas that are too distinct for them to be contained in one EP, or when a repeated/prolonged trauma increases in severity in later instances and the existing EP’s threshold for re-traumatization is crossed. This causes the EP to structurally dissociate away from those experiences, creating another.
DID is on the tertiary level, involving multiple ANPs and multiple EPs that have a high degree of complexity and separation from each other. This is caused by multiple severe traumas necessitating the creation of multiple EPs, and the trauma being so integrated into daily life at such a young age that daily life itself becomes traumatic, necessitating multiple ANPs.
This means that in order to develop DID, the person must be pushed past the point of developing both PTSD and C-PTSD. They need to experience multiple different traumas to structurally dissociate their subfunctions of defense and create multiple EPs, and said traumas need to be extremely pervasive in daily life from a very young age in order to structurally dissociate their subfunctions of daily life and create multiple ANPs.
From The Haunted Self:
“Various traumatizing events may induce different sets of EPs. Each group of EPs usually experiences and contains traumatic memories related to a specific cluster of traumatic experiences. Groups of EPs are most often seen in tertiary structural dissociation, as DID patients tend to have experienced the most severe and multiple traumatizing events.”
“We hypothesize that the origins of the divisions among ANPs lie in the inability of an unsupported, emotionally neglected, and abused child to integrate emerging action systems of daily life when various aspects of daily life themselves are chronically traumatizing.”
For these parts to reach the level of distinction necessary for DID, multiple types of trauma must occur. This is because multiple instances of the same trauma will simply be contained within the same EP due to the experiences being compatible with what that EP already holds; the creation of a new one needs to push beyond that.
From The Haunted Self:
“Development of EPs over the course of time in chronic traumatization perhaps indicates a lowering of mental level for the previous part of the personality, such that another dissociative part is formed.”
Note that there are multiple experiences that come under the same broad classifications of trauma that may differ from each other significantly on a practical level. For example, being intentionally starved and being hit both fall under physical abuse, however the human mind will likely process them as two distinct events and therefore split two EPs.
Additionally, ANPs and EPs gain complexity through life experience, specifically from the experiences they are triggered out to handle that other parts are amnesiac for. ANPs and EPs who remember different instances of the same events with minimal differences between them will not be presented with the opportunity to develop distinct traits.
Obviously, some alters within DID may be similar because of this (i.e. fragments), but at least some alters must be distinct in order to meet the criteria.
From the Haunted Self:
“Elaboration is concerned with the complexity of a dissociative part’s repertoire of actions, including memory, skills, and sense of self. It is developed when a dissociative part is regularly exposed to external reality or a rich internal reality.”
“Children who are abused and neglected by their caretakers in early childhood, with maltreatment constituting a substantial part of daily life, will probably have particular difficulty in developing normative daily life systems. This is a common experience of DID patients. These children must alternate so quickly and frequently among emerging defensive and daily life action systems that these systems, hence their EPs and ANPs, can become mixed in quite chaotic manifestations.”
There is also an entire section of The Haunted Self that goes into all of this in much more detail, called “The Origins of Secondary and Tertiary Structural Dissociation”, found in chapter 4.
Essentially, your brain cannot just create multiple distinct ANPs and EPs because it “feels like it” or due to any form of stress. It needs to be continuously and severely traumatized in distinct ways that are integrated throughout daily life. Otherwise the person will not develop beyond primary or secondary structural dissociation. Your brain cannot simply skip to the tertiary level without first being pushed beyond the previous two levels.
What is disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is also required for the development of DID and makes up the “betrayal or abandonment from caregivers” aspect of complex trauma. It refers to inconsistent and contradictory behaviour displayed by a child towards their caregiver, where neither separation nor closeness feels safe. This is often the result of abusive or neglectful parenting.
From The Haunted Self:
“However, what happens when caretakers manifest frightened, hostile, or helpless behavior toward their children? When such behavior is a pattern, a particular attachment style develops in infants (i.e., disorganized/disoriented attachment or D-attachment) ...D-attachment describes the unusual approach-avoidance response patterns of an infant toward a caregiver who should be the source of safety and security, but is also simultaneously the source of fear and threat.”
And from here:
“Developmental models suggest that when caregivers are abusive, frightening, or insensitive, children experience an irresolvable inner conflict of flight and approach, leading to disorganized attachment.”
Why is disorganized attachment required for DID?
Secure attachment (i.e. where the child feels that their primary caregivers are safe and dependable) is key to the integration of the personality systems in early childhood.
Young children are reliant on their caregivers to regulate them and model healthy behaviour as they begin to understand the world around them and their own identities. Therefore, when attachment is instead disorganized, the child’s ability to integrate their personality systems and subsystems is severely inhibited.
Specifically, the contradictory nature of disorganized attachment is important to this. The memories associated with personality systems need to be cohesively processed together in order to foster their integration. As such, when caregivers are extremely unpredictable and threatening, confusion develops between these systems as their respective memories are incompatible.
For example, the personality system of energy regulation experiences the caregivers as being the source of food, but the personality systems of attachment and defense see the caregivers as the source of threat.
There may also be confusion between the subsystems of individual personality systems as well, such as the system of energy regulation receiving food from the caregivers on some occasions and being starved by them on others.
As these conflicting ideas of the caregivers all across life cannot be integrated together, they must instead be structurally dissociated from each other.
From The Haunted Self:
“The young child’s personality is relatively unintegrated, and integrative structures of the brain are still immature (Perry & Pollard, 1998; Teicher, Anderson, Polcari, Anderson, & Navalta, 2002). The quality of the first years of life, particularly secure attachment, is instrumental in laying the groundwork of a personality organization that is rather cohesive across contexts, such as action systems, place, time, and sense of self.”
“[The development of DID is related to] ...degree of social support, including attachment relationships; disruption of the normal integration of the child’s action systems that requires a secure attachment relationship.”
And from here (again):
“Meta-analytic evidence confirms that childhood maltreatment profoundly disrupts attachment organization and predisposes to disorganized attachment...Recent conceptualizations of “attachment trauma” postulate that childhood maltreatment triggers distinct pathogenic processes, such as traumatic disintegration, detachment, and dissociation, which may contribute to identity disturbances.”
As disorganized attachment is so central in the development of identity pathology, achieving the degree of identity disturbance necessary to form DID, the most severe form of disordered identity, in the absence of disorganized attachment is not possible. This means that a healthy caregiver-child relationship is a direct contradiction to the requirements of DID development.
Therefore, it is not possible to develop DID without disorganized attachment. This does not necessarily mean that one’s primary caregivers must be irredeemable monsters to form DID, but that they must commit betrayal and/or abandonment against the child that leads to the child’s mind being unable to process them as a safe presence. As such, it is impossible for a person who had a good relationship with their caregivers in childhood to form DID.
Can trauma other than abuse cause DID?
Technically yes, but there’s a reason why this isn’t common.
Really, this depends on how you define “abuse”. As we have established, DID requires disorganized attachment resulting from betrayal and/or abandonment from caregivers in order to develop. As a result, there must be at least a partial interpersonal aspect to the trauma that causes DID.
Even if the caregivers did not outright abuse the child, at a minimum they must have neglected the child to a degree where they could not view them as safe figures. Many people argue that such a level of neglect is abuse in and of itself, and under that understanding abuse must be involved for DID development.
However, as we have also established, the caregivers themselves do not need to be severely abusive in order for the child to form DID. The child must feel that they are undependable and unsafe, but the multiple severe and prolonged traumas may come from elsewhere (note that this disorganized attachment forms part of the trauma and of itself, it just cannot cause DID alone if the circumstances that led to it do not meet the requirements of “multiple severe prolonged traumas”).
For example, some people with DID had neglectful or absent parents, and then experienced multiple forms of severe abuse from other family members or other trusted people (again, while absent caregivers are traumatic within their own right, the point is that the “worst” of the trauma does not necessarily have to come from the caregivers).
This can apply to traumas other than abuse as well. For example, medical trauma in which a child is experiencing multiple distinct traumatic events (such as different kinds of distressing and painful medical procedures or episodes) can result in DID if it occurs young enough and disorganized attachment is present.
You can interpret this one of two ways:
Neglect is a form of abuse and therefore DID development requires abuse, although said abuse does not need to be the “main trauma” so to speak
DID development does not require outright abuse, but at the very least neglect is required
All in all, due to the fact that DID requires disorganized attachment to primary caregivers, and that the trauma needs to begin at an age where the child is primarily living at home (before the age of around 6, therefore before school-age), the vast majority of DID cases are caused by intrafamilial abuse.
Again, other circumstances are technically possible, but due to the nature of the requirements, other forms of trauma are much more likely to result in other disorders.
From the DSM-V:
“In studies from diverse geographic regions, about 90% of the individuals with the disorder report multiple types of early neglect and childhood abuse, often extending into late adolescence. Some individuals report that maltreatment primarily occurred outside the family, in school, church, and/or neighborhoods, including being bullied severely. Other forms of repeated early-life traumatic experiences include multiple, painful childhood medical and surgical procedures; war; terrorism; or being trafficked beginning in childhood.”
And from here:
“The authors interviewed 102 individuals with clinical diagnoses of multiple personality disorder at four centres using the Dissociative Disorders Interview Schedule. The patients reported high rates of childhood trauma: 90.2% had been sexually abused, 82.4% physically abused, and 95.1% subjected to one or both forms of child abuse.”
Keep in mind that these figures rely on self-report, and true numbers are likely higher due to the amnesia, shame, and nonrealization of trauma commonly experienced by DID patients.
In conclusion
DID is a specific trauma response with specific requirements; it cannot develop in response to any negative experience that a child experiences, regardless of their stress tolerance. It is specifically a complex trauma-based disorder, caused by experiencing multiple severe and prolonged traumatic events involving betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers, before the age of around 6 years old.
This does not mean that other forms of trauma “aren’t bad enough” or aren’t debilitating; they absolutely are. This simply means that those forms of trauma will likely result in other disorders and not DID.
DID is not “the disorder that you get when your trauma was bad enough”. It’s the disorder you get when you meet the requirements of developing it, and whether or not you have it has no impact on the validity of your trauma or suffering.
If you believe yourself to have DID when that wouldn't be possible based on your current understanding of your trauma history, that needs to be handled by a professional. It's possible you don't remember your full history or haven't realized your experiences do qualify, or it could be that your self-diagnosis is wrong.
Either way, spreading misinformation on the internet is not how this should be handled and you are not helping anyone by doing so, let alone yourself.
I understand the hesitance people have towards speaking about the requirements of DID development, but there is no situation in which misinformation is helpful to anyone.
"Don't let him steal your life, he doesn't have as much power as you give him.. And.. You don't have to throw yourself in the void if it scares you so much i mean.. I sure don't know everything, and maybe i don't understand it the way you'd want me to, but.. I know he's linked to you and it shouldn't go away that's not what I'm saying, but if you ever decide to let him in- *what a poor choice of words* it'll be your choice, over everything you've been through it is your decision, you're not alone, though i don't know what i can do in this situation.. But.. You know, once i told him that the things i loved the most in my life were the things that scared me the most. You won't be able to live in this situation your whole life N[—], and you need to learn how to, despite trusting yourself, trust the life on its own. I don't know how long you have been in this state about him, however it's clear that it's something that happens once in a lifetime. I never had someone like that, and-"
Well, I found this in my notes. I was writing down this speech I heard long time before I knew you were a part of my inner cycle. Sweet, above all else; prettier than any brilliance.
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It really does say a lot about how romanticized and theatricized alters are online when people go into denial or feel isolated for displaying the most textbook DID/OSDD symptoms.
Not knowing who's fronting, not knowing how many alters you have, not knowing when you switch, not knowing alters' names or why they formed, alters not having names, having no internal world or a very vague one, having no internal communication, struggling with external communication, experiencing alters as different overlapping states of self instead of separate people, hell even just experiencing amnesia.
These are all extremely common symptoms of DID/OSDD, especially when you're untreated or early in treatment. And yet they're all common reasons for why people feel like they don't belong in this community, because the reality of this disorder somehow doesn't conform to the online expectation.
How bad is the state of CDD awareness, even among those who proclaim to have it, that the most common manifestations of DID/OSDD are so underdiscussed that the majority of people with these conditions cannot find understanding even in a community meant for their disorder? When anything that doesn't play into the "alters are separate people and friends in your head" narrative is ignored and erased?
I guess this is luckily being talked about more, but if you have symptoms of a complex dissociative disorder (DID, OSDD-1, P-DID), but you don't remember any "super horrific trauma" that doesn't mean that 1) you don't have a CDD because the trauma "wasn't bad enough" or 2) that there's secret, repressed memories of extreme trauma in your subconscious. Maybe you do remember most of what happened to you, but you've normalised it to yourself as "not that bad". Us trauma survivors tend to minimise our own trauma. One time, a friend of mine had gone to group therapy and everyone was telling bits of their pasts. He was sitting back thinking "wow, they all went through some really terrible stuff. I got lucky that my trauma isn't that bad", but then one of the others came up to him later and told him she was really horrified by his story and how she couldn't imagine having to survive that. And then he realised that even though he knew his childhood had been fucked up, he was still undermining just how bad it was. And honestly, that person who came up to him was doing the same
I'm not saying that you can't have any hidden trauma memories of extreme abuse. You absolutely can, of course - that's the case for many. But also remember that you currently might be brushing off the trauma you do remember. Maybe you think "it wasn't that bad", but do all of you agree? Is there some part of you that will freeze up and panic when you're reminded of that thing from your past? Maybe you don't personally hold the trauma reactions as a part, but perhaps there's some other part of you who's holding onto the trauma, so you can function in your daily life. Just want this to be a reminder to those who need it
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I do not share personal information with strangers that may include: pictures of my face, phone number, email address, place of residence.
DMs are open for chat, if there's anything you'd like to ask me that you're interested about, or you just want to talk, feel free to do so. This is one of the reasons why this blog is made anyway.
Open for sexting, ERP, thirst texting - though these who don't respect my boundries will be blocked/reported.
I have OSDD1a (diagnosed) and an oculocutaneous albinism,
I'll use this blog to:
talk about my life [which may include NSFW topics]
share and reblong articles/posts about OSDD/Albinism
or anything else I find interesting
Generally speaking, if you are sensitive to NSFW content, leave. Overall, I don't recommend children and teenagers to interact with this blog at all.
About my system:
I am a newly discovered system, and for now I am only aware of three distinct parts of myself. I mostly go by the same name in daily life, but when I describe my 'alters' (parts), I use code names that we have mutually agreed upon within the system.
1. B [my name] or just B
- I am a co-host of the system and a creator of this blog
- There is 90% chance that you'll talk with me if you interract with my blog
- My age is equal to the body
- I do the talking
- I like sex (and things related to it) I talk a lot about it
- In terms of personality I'm an ENTJ (though I take it with reserve)
- I like all kinds of things, organ rock [mainly Doors] (fuckmeJim), snakes, fashion, garage rock, but not only that, my style is as specified as my disorder
- chain smoker (constantly forced to quit)
- and I'm quite feminine/elegant in comparasment with the two
2. Neo or N1
- Primary host of the system (lived the longest before second split (10 years))
- Not interested in flirting
- Age is equal to the body as well
- Sometimes appears slightly rigid and cold on the surface
- Our problemsolver
- INTJ 5w6, very reserved
- Interests blurred with the little one and B
3. Child or Cruddy Crow (CC) or just C
- Our Little one
- rarely fronts but can influence
- more connected to Neo then B
- 8-10 years old?? (acts younger, claims to be 9)
- autistic symptoms (due to dissociation, we are not autistic)
- really likes toys and puzzles
- awkward and shy
- called himself after his favorite toy (Cruddy Crow is a rare, transparent garbage pack toy)
(I didn't know that it will turn out this big) It looks 100% like my boyfriend
How we got these names:
The name division of us hosts started with something basic, we used to distinguish ourselves as A [name] and B [name]. We weren't exactly fond of using 1. [name] and 2. [name], since numbers aren't initials, and it felt weird to use any other initials that didn't begin in an alphabetical order. Eventually, we realized that A [name] could be read as though the "A" were an indefinite article rather than an initial, so we decided to change it. He didn't want to be called anything other than our common name, and the numbers were out of question, as well as greek alphabet (Alfa hahahaha) so we finally agreed to call him Neo (as 'one', and it sounds similar to our name) which I find hilarious
Little one specifically wanted to be called after a toy, but all of his favorite toys have diabolical names. I was against him being called 'cruddy' and suggested to only keep the crow, but he insisted on it. N1 accepted this name because it suited him that we should all be arranged in alphabetical order A, B, C [name].
Note:
I don't know my triggers clearly. This blog was specifically created by me (B) and N1 should not interfere it. If it happens it was done by accident. Him and I are very symilar and co fronting can often happen without me realizing exactly who is who
If you are curious about my trauma, I don't remember it at all. I don't remember anything before I turned 11
I have many more parts but it's really foggy and hard to tell who is who, I've just started with therapy
I'm absolutely open to talk with both singlets and plurals
My disorder don't define me, I discovered it recently so it is my major topic right now, but before I knew about it, I was known for many other things
Don't compare me to the DID people, OSDD1a and DID are not the same disorder, I don't have alters but parts of the same personality