Carpe Diem

And my personal favorite

(i prefer sims 3 but sims 3 is more engrossing and i want to catch up on podcasts instead of creating an interesting sims narrative so sims 4 it is)

i made a new game because i wanted to see how many gens deep i could get, and i realized that without the seamless neighborhood you basically need to have as few people in your household as possible if you ever want to go anywhere, otherwise one sim will go to the museum and they’ll come home and everyone is asleep in the yard for some reason and all the appliances are broken

so i get my sim a girlfriend but then when she finally seals the deal, this girl changes into this before getting into bed

and THAT’S when i discover that she doesn’t have the custom gender settings to get my sim knocked up. but by this point i’m invested and i don’t want my girl to have spent all this time seducing a furry for nothing, so i cheat and edit her gender and my sim is finally pregnant. her furry hookup keeps calling at three in the morning but my sim doesn’t answer.

my pregnant sim finds a nasty stray dog outside and ends up adopting it at which point i discover that you can’t control dogs anymore. remember when you could control your pets? get your pet a job and whatnot? yeah, none of that. that might have been sims 2, actually. anyway now there’s a dog, whatever, maybe her future daughter will like poor Mister Mojo.

except THEN she has TWINS and i did not!! do anything!!! to influence twins!!!! i wanted one girl! my sim is now a single mom with twins and a dog living in a one bedroom on an artist’s salary.

i don’t give a shit about the son because i want this line to be matrilineal so i give him the ‘angelic’ trait in the hopes that this will let me ignore him more. it backfires immediately and he is now my sim’s favorite because he never throws tantrums, unlike his sister, who wants to learn everything but also never be taught. boy baby spends a lot of time with the dog while his sister screams.

not long after they grow up into kids, the dog up and dies. i probably should have seen this coming. death shows up to claim mojo, and everyone comes together to witness the claiming of his dog soul, and the heir to the family line brings her salad with her.

for like ten minutes everyone stood in the front hall wailing while death claimed this dog, and she just stood there eating her salad, watching her brother lose his shit because this dog raised him

after the dog dies i take a minute to deal with everyone’s grief and find a nice place for the urn or whatever, and do you know what i saw in the kitchen when i was done

????

what the fuck

i mean i guess your brother is happy but like… what did you say to death

anyway he’s had a bit of a chip on his shoulder since then, and so he basically destroyed Breath of the Wild and left me in he dust. he found more shrines, korok seeds, and armor than i did in like, half the time, and he got very pleased when i told him i didn’t know about certain areas or quests.

i’ll admit i underestimated him because he always seemed to struggle when playing Ocarina of Time back when we lived together when i was like, eight. in hindsight i realize he struggled because he didn’t speak english very well and couldn’t understand most of the on-screen explanations. once he set the language to korean he was blazing through botw so fast he was fighting lynels before i’d even gotten to the point where i felt comfortable with lizalfos.

Perhaps someone beat me to it, but here are ALL of the featured vines, in order of appearance:

I won’t hesitate bitch

Hi my name is Tre and I have a basketball game tomorrow

Whaddup, I’m Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how 2 read

Kermit the Frog jumps off building

Fr e sh a voca do

back at it again at Krispy Kreme

There is only one thing worse than a rapist

Club Jam (yes a really good book)

At least the taco was free

I am the Sand Guardian, guardian of the sand

Grandma loves ping pong too much

If your name is Junior

Welcome to Target

I’m just cooking pizza

Cole Sprouse dress-up game

On all levels except physical, I am a Wolf

Kid hits ceiling of gym with rope (breaking free)

Kid smacked by fly swatter

Fuck it up Kenneth (my boy going to school)

Um I’m not finished (Tyler the Creator)

WE’RE BREAKING FREE

SAIL

I’m Squidward

So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies

So no head? (breaking skateboard)

Actually, Megan (I can’t sit anywhere)

No off topic questions (Chris Christie)

What the fuck, Richard

Drop it like it’s hot (its just luke)

Bored as shiiiiii

Liberian accent (plasma globe)

New haircut (Parker Kit Hill)

Summertime sadness (chicken)

More like hurricane TORTILLA

I got an a-bor-tion

All Around the World (TheJasminator)

When there’s a cutie next to you at a red light

Snake licks lollipop

Accept yourself, love yourself

Be whatever you wanna be

Don’t touch Zac’s music (LENARR)

Whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a ho

Can I please get a waffle?

Turn off the flash you fucking moron (Star Wars)

Ebony Jenkins (shut up!)

Kevin, watch the light dude

Horse meditation

A girl a dream & a clothing hanger

Is that a weed? (911 microwave)

Helium balloons (floating car)

Fireplace fairy

I’m your freestyle dance teacher

I can’t believe you’ve done this

Which way the Quiznos is

Impossible paper toss shot

Hemtube (dancing with cat)

I nurture my skin (Shaq)

Why are you running

Happy birthday?

Thicker than a bowl of oatmeal (courtroom)

Farkle falling

Fuck you (soda machine)

Squash banana (the branch I was holding broke)

Take On Me

And now my sock is wet (water gun)

All I ever wanted was some motherfuckin guala

When there’s too much drama at school

Two bros chillin in the Hot Tub

What’s your name? (ouija board)

Chillary Clinton (chillin in Cedar Rapids)

Guy drops slurpee (7-Eleven)

Girl scared of convertible car

Guy who is self-conscious about his lisp (Rice Krispies Treats)

Would you like the spider on your hand?

Shopping cart crash

We actually have the chip reader now

I’M A GIRAFFE

Dinner with Zayn Malik (Chihuahua eating spaghetti)