still thinking about midnight sun

[clickbait voice] the answer will SHOCK you

2019 was an interesting year for the Cursèd Sorority of Real-Life Renesmees. the tl;dr answer is that there were 142 baby girls named Renesmee in 2019, down from 147 in 2018.

that’s right, we lost 5 Renesmees. so has the evil been defeated? at first glance, yes. at second glance, absolutely not.

if you’re new here, it may come as a surprise that certain avant-garde new parents decide that “Renesmee,”—the literary atrocity so heinous that after it sprang to tormented life from the twisted mind of a morm0n YA zillionaire it begged its mad creator for a merciful death—simply isn’t unique enough for their bundle of joy. kree8iv spellings of Renesmee abound. consider the following chart:

with spoilers obviously

when Edward first smells Bella it takes him two pages of inner monologue before he thinks of holding his breath

apparently vampires can run so fast they don’t leave footprints in snow just like LotR elves and this is physics nonsense

Edward listening to a CD of “violent music”

“a word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady” ajlskdflj

Alice to Jasper: “I know you love me. Thanks.”

“And then my conscience smote me.”

“She was offended by my teasing. I must have done it wrong again.”

the “dazzling” moments from the original book are Edward fruitlessly trying to frighten people by baring his teeth I can’t deal

when Bella points this out he thinks “I’m losing my edge”

Edward worries about whether Bella thinks he’s pretty

Bella wears a shirt “cut low enough to reveal her collarbones” 

Edward literally thinks the sparkling will horrify and disgust her

“I avoided the word ‘sex’ because she did” OH GROW UP

“It was enlightening and alluring to watch her in her element” IS THE INTRODUCTION TO A PARAGRAPH OF HER MAKING CHEERIOS

the book. includes. a car chase.