Know in your heart that you will attract everything that is meant for you.

……LESS funny??!??????

The thought of this parrot declaring “I get a peanut” for good behaviour like he’s stating an immutable natural law that must never be disputed is sustaining me through this day. I was a good parrot. I get a peanut. That is how it is. That is how it always has been.

That’s exactly what he means when he says it. It’s not a request. It’s a statement of fact. These days he says it preemptively as a way of ensuring that he will be paid for his efforts. Like if you ask him to step up somewhere or go back in his cage he’ll say “I get a peanut” before he does it to make sure you agree to give him one.

My question is… Does he revolt if you DON’T give him his peanut?

that parrot is running a hostage situation

We do literally refer to him “holding the couch hostage” when he decides he’s going to make holes in the cushions until we attempt to bribe him to go back into his cage.

*brings this to a friend who doesnt own a cat’s house and sticks it under the doorframe while they’re in the bathroom*

The moon has known me all my life

this is the most comforting thing I’ve read so far in 2018

successfully profiled and found a lost cat thanks to a criminal minds binge someone tell the FBI to hire me

i want someone who will light a fire in me.

I want someone who will light me on fire

slides in with roombas strapped to both my feet: sup heteros

homophobia never sleeps

you have to have rope at a length of like 1 to 2 feet. or maybe a steel bar. something. that connects the roombas and keeps them at an appropriate distance.

finally a good suggestion. roomba bondage

Bob’s Burgers would also be an appropriate title for SpongeBob SquarePants

i hate when people ask me to “watch their stuff” like what if someone comes and actually tries to steal it. do i have to fight them. i’m not ready 

you become the miniboss

oh my god this is adorable