God's Favorite Mistake

A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at the University of North Carolina confirmed widely held assumptions that you are the most significant and interesting person currently inhabiting the earth.

Drawing from the results of a six-year study that carefully analyzed thousands of hours of your actions and conversations, the 220-page report concluded that your ideas and opinions far surpass those of the other 7.1 billion people on the planet in terms of substance, depth, and general importance to the world.

Some lesser seen rodents... & non-rodents

Striped grass mice (x3), lowland streaked tenrec, Luzon cloud rat, Paca, Eurasian hamster, European hedgehog

With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool,” said Brendan Carrasco, one of the 340 million Americans who uncomfortably admitted to going to work as usual and watching shows on their laptop instead of hiking the trails at a national park, watching a sunset from a roof deck, or chilling around a bonfire.

The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the sorrowful consequences of his own hubris and proceed down the carpeted corridor on his own two feet, watching in shame as other travelers with the humility to board the conveyor platform flowed past him with ease.

Hopping online to quickly do, well we don’t quite remember, before ending up here, a new report from Stanford University showed Monday that you were supposed to be looking something up right now. The minutes-long study released today claims that there is definitely a reason you are online right now, but you saw a headline about a YouTube controversy, and then you saw this, and now you have kinda lost your train of thought.