God's Favorite Mistake

roman, 1st century bce-4th century ce, highly whimsical. this is not so much a key as a whole Creature. i wish he lived in my house. A+

roman, 3rd-5th century. lowkey whimsical. hermetic af. huge fan of the wings. a rustic, functional asymmetry that makes me clench my fists with enthusiasm: it looks like it was made to please the artisan. i picture the keyholder spinning this idly around a finger, perhaps whistling through their teeth. rubbing the feathers with your thumb when you're nervous would feel soooo good i bet. A+

roman, 1st century ce. nonwhimsical. stern and to the point. do NOT whistle while spinning this key. it is for business. someone has probably designed an ancient bomb for a video game using this as a reference. A+

roman, 1st-7th century ce; roman, 1st-7th century ce. you'd think this many pleasing shapes would cancel each other out but they don't. a cascade of excellent geometric figures into which the spirits of various cultures either encountered or subjugated have breathed. A+

roman, 1st century ce. i love a Little Guy, obviously. i do feel like i could pick the lock he is supposed to guard. A+

german, 13th century; french, 13th or 14th century(?); german, 14th century. i'm going to be so real and vulnerable with you guys right now. i would love to lock a beautiful, weeping stepdaughter into her tower room with one of these and then slip it deep into the fitchet of my outer gown, smiling cruelly. perhaps patting it with my long, bony hand to be sure it is secured to my girdle: good, it is. ha ha. she will have to be rescued by birds, who will later peck my eyes out. A+

german, late 15th century. What if you were german in the late 15th century and your girlfriend gave you this key ring with two little guys dancing on it and was like "that's me and you :)". would you cry? probably not actually, because you would be german. A+

german, 15th century; german or south netherlandish, 15th century. platonic ideal north european keys to me, relatively simple yet extraordinarily satisfying to look at and, i imagine, to use. if my front door locked with one of these keys i would never feel bad about myself again probably. A+

french, 16th century; italian, 17th century. i imagine these are the the equivalent of those pens with liquid inside where you can make the lady's swimsuit come off by tilting it. i would be touching those tiny metal boobs and butts so much. A+

french, 16th century. OPULENCE subtype DEMONIC. cenobite ass key. A+

india, 18th century or later; russia, 18th century. these are padlocks not keys but on the other hand: hell yeah! horseys! hell yeah!! hell yeah horseys! hell yeah!!!! A+

french, 19th century; german, 18th century. the elaborate chamberlain/ceremonial keys are not always my thing—the appeal of a key is often in its mystery and i find these keys unmysterious—but i can't knock the craftsmanship. A+