necrophage

What an episode the last one huh? I wasn't planning to cry last time I checked...

Oh to be turned into a marketable product. Your siblings are gonna be finding little you’s everywhere.

Bonus!

*background noise of rubble crumbling, stones crashing*

Tim: *gasping for air* i... cannot believe that worked.

Jason, distantly: i can't fuckin' believe that thing one-shot my ear and somehow only managed to hit the com piece. how fucking useless of a robot do you have to be to make such a neat shot at such a shit time?

Damian: *cough* i fucking- i am going to kill. all. robots.

Tim: dude you are... really mad at this thing.

Damian, seething: it hit me with a fucking stop sign.

Jason, distantly: *cackles* aw man, yeah i saw that you went flying,

Damian: it isn't too late to lift that things shut-down body and plant you underneath before letting it drop, Jason.

Jason, distantly: mememememe~

Tim, groaning: can we like, re-set my shoulder before we start fighting? there's no way i can swing like this. also where the fuck is Nightwing?

Jason, distantly: he should be fine, i saw him right before the thing dropped taking out the last of the human guys.

Dick: yeah yeah i'm... i'm fine i'm on the other side of the robot thing. i'm just googlin' somthin. hold on.

Tim: the fuckre'- ow that hurts- Robin-

Damian: do you want this to be left untreated?

Tim: *groans* just be quick. fuckre' you googling Nightwing?

Dick, absently: mmm. the minimum legal age for marriage in Pakistan.

Tim: ...what- *faint snap* AUGH-

Damian: there. back in place.

Tim: YOU FUCKING CUCK YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARN ME.

Damian: well doing that would be kind, and i am not kind to those that laugh when i get hit by stop signs.

Tim: THAT WAS FUCKING HIM,

Jason, distantly: don't you fucking point at me. don't you point at me with your One Good Arm. how dare you.

Tim: shut up Jason,

Jason, distantly: i can't hear the coms by the way, is Dickie alive or not?

Tim: *strained grunt* oh- right, yeah, he answered. he was googling- Dick what the fuck are you googling marriage laws in Pakistan for?

Jason, distantly: *casual* oh he's still on that huh?

Dick: bECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SINCE BEFORE THAT ROBOT EVEN SHOWED UP AND JASON- one of you tell Jason his marriage is fucking ILLEGAL because he was UNDER EIGHTEEN WHEN IT HAPPENED.

Tim: ...sorry his what is what now?

Damian: oh, is this about Shaman Fahima? he was underage but i don't think laws really apply where we were. and Fahima was pretty on board with the idea of the marriage's purpose only being to frustrate Grandfather. she was more like an old kindly auntie than a sister-in-law.

Jason, distantly: oh is he on about the age of consent over there? we didn't fuck we just held hands in front of Ra's for a while.

Tim: WHAT are you TALKING ABOUT?

Dick: JASON MARRIED A FAKE WITCH IN THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS AND DIDN'T TELL ANY OF US.

Tim: *abrupt coughs* exCUSE ME?!

Jason, distantly: what? what- Day why's he lookin' at me like that?

Damian: it's not that big a deal. there was a neighbouring tribe whose leader was a self proclaimed shaman that seemed to unsettle Grandfather. since this is the only person we'd ever seen manage to intimidate him before, naturally, the next occasion Jason wanted to piss him off, he went to her.

Jason, distantly: stop looking at me like that. it was funny.

Dick: why was marriage what he settled on?!

Damian: he's asking why you went for marriage.

Jason, distantly: oh. i dunno... her sister was ordained in their culture and she was right there, and there was a big banquet with all the tribes including the loa the weekend after. i thought sitting at the head table with Fahima would piss Ra's off the most. also i think it legally made me a king or something, which was cool.

Damian: your wife was remarkably good-natured about the whole thing.

Jason, distantly: yeah she's fuckin' fun. taught me how to butcher a snake.

Tim, slightly indignant: oh, well in that case she's a fucking keeper then isn't she?

Dick: why the fuck has this not come up before?!

Damian: in akhi's defence, it was only really relevant for the month or so after it happened; then we all mostly forgot about it. i'm fairly sure Jason and her only exchange messages once or twice a year if there's something they need to discuss regarding the league.

Jason, distantly: also she sent me an anniversary goat once. to this day i don't know how she managed to ship it to Gotham. she's chill though. i call her Nana Fahima.

Tim, lost: she's your legal wife?

Jason, distantly: yeah but emotionally she's my Nana Fahima.

Tim, solemnly: what the fuck is wrong with you.

Dick: i am so telling on you to Bruce when he gets back to earth.

*a beat*

Damian: he says he's snitching on you to Father once he comes back to earth.

Jason, distantly: good, i can freak him out too. what does he think i am, a coward?

Dick: for the love of- WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT FUCKING DESERT?!?

see you in a few hours (or days lmao)

For Tim, it's the hoodie that Kon lent him before he died, it's just a plain black cotton hoodie but it smells like Kon and he keeps it under his bed.

Steph's is her Robin hairband. It's the only part of the Robin costume that is hers wholly. It won't ever realistically be taken from it's case but she still warns people off every borrowing it.

Duke's is his lucky flannel, he owned before the Manor - oddly yellow, tan and black. It's a little frayed, the fabric a little bally from wear but he wore it for every single exam he ever aced or any date that went well. He will not let it be washed with other clothes, insists on laundering it himself because the luck might run out. It's another reason why his suit is yellow and gold.

For Damian, it's the ridiculously overpriced Gotham Knights hoodie that Bruce bought for him at a hockey game when they were still bonding. It bought it simply because Damian was cold and Damian was touched because although Ra's and Talia raised him like a little Prince, they did raise him to complain of weakness. But Bruce? Bruce let him feel those things and trued to help him make sense of them.

For Cass it's one of Bruce's linen shirts, which is huge on her, she's got to roll her sleeves up at least twice to use her hands. She usually wears it when she's feeling anxious and Bruce isn't around. It's like getting a hug from her dad.

For Dick it's the Discowing suit. He knows that his siblings thinks it's silly, that it's ugly and any eyesore but it was who he was, his first iteration of himself that wasn't the Boy Wonder of the Graysons or Batman's Robin or Dick Grayson almost Wayne. It was just Dick. It was his first step toward the person he is now.

For Jason, it's the tshirt that Bruce gave him to sleep in the first might he spent at Wayne Manor. It's just a ratty grey tshirt that Bruce got at some concert, he doesn't even realise it's missing after Jason holds onto it. It was stuffed down the back of his wardrobe, he only wore it when Bruce was away on business trips or after hard patrols because he felt safe in it. He stole it back when he returned to Gotham but now it fits a whole lot better but there was a time.

For Bruce, it's every an item from every first outfit he ever bought the kids, slowly removed from their rooms as the years went by. Dick's first pyjama set, Jason's school sweater, Tim's first gala bowtie, Cass's bobble hat, Steph's woollen gloves, Duke's green hoodie, Damian’s first winter coat. They are the first things he bought for his babies.

Jason: -that does NOT look like a dog, man.

Damian: as opposed to what? what do you think it is, Hood?

Jason: dunno but you probably shouldn't be holding it-

*ping*

Tim: JASON PETER FUCKING TODD.

*a beat*

Damian, casually: is that your full name?

Jason: no i think he's just rewriting the bible into a gay love affair. Jesus's new disciple is getting tag-teamed by Peter and Jason. Saul is filming.

Tim: JASON.

Jason: yes, darling?

Damian: *snickers*

Tim: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ACTIVELY WORKING WITH THE LEAGUE?

Jason, confused: uhhh... i mean i had to be called in to a generals meeting on zoom literally last week...?

Tim: no- no, i don't mean when was the last time you did work for them-

*ping*

Tim: -i mean when was the last time you were living with the league and actively working alongside Ra's on a continuous basis?

Dick: Tim, calm down, there's no need to-

Tim: NO FUCK OFF DICK, HE WAS MAD AT ME ABOUT THE RESSURECTION THING FOR TWO WEEKS, AND NOW I FIND OUT THIS?

*a faint animalistic snarl*

Damian: *quiet* shhhh, *louder* uh, found out what?

Jason: wait, wait hold on. found out- with the league?

*four seconds of silence*

Jason, resigned: aw man, wing you snitch.

Dick: -I DIDN'T MEAN TO! WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT TIMELINES AND I FORGOT HOW IT ALL MATCHED UP AND HE FIGURED IT OUT!

Damian: found out what?

Jason: i'm not talking to you while you're holding one of the mutts from the hunger games in your arms, Robin.

Dick, voice dropping three octaves: while he's holding what now-?

Damian, exasperated: it's a DOG, you moron.

Jason: that thing is not a fucking dog i saw it lick it's own eyeball-

Tim: JASON.

Jason: OH MY GOD WHAT.

Tim: did you. or did you not. work with the league of assassins during the year Bruce was lost in the timestream?

Damian: *snort* no, he didn't.

Jason, even more confused: yes i- yes i did? Robin genuinely where did you think i was, i was gone for like nine months?

Damian: i dunno, i guess i just assumed that father's death finally made you snap and you'd gone off to follow in your deceased mother's footsteps by going on a massive bender.

Jason: what the fuck-

Tim: you were there for nine fucking months?! THAT'S LONGER THAN I WAS THERE!

Jason: Red, honestly, it was years ago. grow up.

Tim: GROW UP- WE WERE BOTH THERE AT THE SAME TIME. YOU KNEW I WAS WORKING ON GETTING BRUCE BACK. WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING HELP?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YOU WERE THERE.

Damian: wait, so you were also at the compound when Drake was there and you just hid from him?

Jason, amused: oh no kid i made his life hell, he just didn't know it was me,

Dick: *slight laughter* *cough* it's not- it's not funny i promise-

Tim, dangerously calm: what. do. you. mean. by. that.

Dick: *starts laughing again*

Tim: why is everything funny to you?!

Jason: i mean he grew up in the circus so i don't know what you expe- ok listen, Tim, i will level with you,

Tim: *expecting hum*

Jason: i was the assassin in the black motorcycle helmet-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Jason: -but honestly all of that was so long ago it's really not relevant anymore so i don't know why you care so much.

Tim: *indescribable noises of rage*

Damian: what did you even do?

Dick: *keeps laughing* apparently there was- apparently when Tim was working with Ra's Jason was there but in like, a different outfit for some kind of undercover mission he'd just gotten back from, so he was there and Tim didn't realise it was him, and it's just- *wheeze* it's my favourite story...

Tim: fuck you Grayson. and he had the gall to get mad at me for being there when he was resurrected and not saying shit. unbelievable.

Damian: what- so were you there the whole time?

Tim: he was one of the fucking squad leaders assigned to work with me. he said his name was fucking Alphonso.

Dick: *broken wheeze*

Jason: -yeah you would not believe the favours i had to call in with Ra's to get him to call me Alphonso in front of you.

Damian: and you never thought to tell me this?!

Jason: i dunno, you seemed busy with the whole Robin thing. it was fun though, 'Alphonso' was a right prick, i really used to get on his nerves.

Tim, dryly: you pretended to trip during a mission and shoved me into a pen of manure. and you kept calling me 'Prim'.

Jason: i was- *snicker* i was bored?

Tim: YOU KNEW WHY I WAS THERE, WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?

Jason: well look- it's not like i didn't believe you about B being alive, i just figured you had it under control. and Pru's one of my best mates from league training, i knew she'd have your back.

*a beat*

Tim: are you fucking kidding- man i am going to kill her next time i see her-

Jason: -anyway then a bunch of your workers died and you got injured and shit and i honestly thought revealing who i was then would just be really awkward so i left,

Tim: i hate you.

Jason: -and then it turned out to be a good thing i was there because if i wasn't, you would be a mass murderer. who do you think figured out your plan to blow everything up and evacuated everybody? honestly if anything this makes us even so i don't know why you're complaining.

Tim: SO WHY DID YOU GET SO FUCKING MAD AT ME?!

Jason: i dunno. felt funnier.

Tim: IT FELT- i'm going to go fucking insane.

Damian, snorting: wanna play a game of league days to calm down?

Tim: -SHUT THE FUCK UP DAMIAN.

Dick: *cackles*

Jason: let me buy you a waffle, Timmers. free waffle and you'll feel better. big brother's treat.

*a beat*

Tim: with caramel.

Jason: with caramel. meet me and Robin at the place on sixth. Day, come on, i'll race you.

Damian: i can't swing anywhere right now.

Jason: why n- oh for fucks sake just PUT. the mutant. DOWN.

Damian: RUDOLPH NEEDS A HOME.

Dick: what the fuck are you-

Jason, annoyed: -oh he's got a stupid fucking rabid-mutant-wolf-thing he picked out of the docks and he won't let it go.

Dick: ...HE'S HAD A MUTANT THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Damian: *seething* for the last time, it is a puppy.

Dick: WHAT IF IT BITES HIM? DAMIAN!

Tim, petulantly: make it bite Jason.

Jason, instantly: oi. you want that fuckin' waffle or not, Replacement?

*faint shifting*

Tim: yes.

Jason: exactly, watch your fuckin mouth. Dick, i'm sending you our location. you bring a sedative and an animal cage and deal with Damian's new pet and i'll go with Tim to get him his sugar fix.

Damian: you are not sedating Rudolph.

Jason: sedative's for you kiddo. Dick?

Dick: on it.

"-Well Damian's the biggest hater in this family," Tim points out, gesturing outwards with his can of coke as Dick places a card on the table. "Like he'll- dude, you'll hate for literally no reason."

"All of my hatred has reason." Damian denies casually, throwing a chip in his mouth and crunching loudly.

"Do you remember how much you hated me when you first came to Gotham? Like," Tim snickers slightly. "You didn't even know me, there was no reason for that."

"I didn't hate you," Damian argues. "I was just indignant at your continued presence in the house. And that was Todd's fault, not mine."

Eyes flicking to the side and noting the way Jason bites his lip before quickly taking a swig of beer, Dick narrows his eyes, mouth twitching upwards at the sides. "Wait, why would that be Jason's fault? What did he do?"

"When he dropped me off at the manor he told me Drake was a make-a-wish child."

Tim's posture goes slack, pausing as he places his card on the pile and looking across the table incredulously. "What?"

"Well I didn't-" Damian's face cracks slightly and he coughs, re-organising his hand. "I didn't know Robin was a thing that existed, you know? My mother told me about Batman because she wanted me to respect my father, but she had no reason to mention the fact that he had a sidekick, and Todd didn't like talking about his time with father so he never specified that he'd been Robin. And so when we got to Gotham like, a couple hours before we reached the manor we actually happened to see Batman out on patrol from a distance, right? And I saw Tim as Robin swinging after him, and I looked at Todd and was like, 'the fuck was that?'."

Tim and Dick both look at Jason, who stares intently at his cards, ignoring them, clearly in the midst of a desperate attempt not to smile. He was failing, lips twitching as his brow furrows in false concentration.

"And Todd tells me, without a second thought," Damian continues, sending Jason an exasperated glare, "That you were a charity case Batman had allowed to accompany him for a night, in partnership with the make-a-wish foundation; you know like when kids wish to hang out with their favourite celebrities or play football with their favourite team? So I didn't know you were like, supposed to be my new brother, I just thought you were some dying kid overstaying his welcome."

"You thought I was dying?!" Tim says, incredulous. Dick is staring at Jason with his mouth open, eyes shining in pure awe, and Jason silently shakes his head, pressing his lips together so hard they go white.

"I mean-" Damian smothers a laugh, gesturing. "You did look kinda sickly?"

Jason lifts his hand of cards up to cover his face, closing his eyes and letting out a slight squeak.

"Anyway, pick up two." Damian shrugs, tossing a card on the pile and leaning back in his seat, blank in the face of Tim's wide-eyed offense and disbelief.

"So when you tried to kill him...?" Dick asks, when it becomes clear Tim has bluescreened too much to respond. Damian sticks out his bottom lip, shrugging again.

"I figured 'hey, might as well speed up the process'."

Jason's shoulders shake desperately, and he turns his head to the side to mumble out from behind his shield of cards at Tim, voice wet with amusement, "I- I told him you had the condition of the kid from the secret garden, you know- where he had those weird back lumps and was all weak n' shit?"

Dick: Playing Bruce Crashout Bingo.

Cass: We cross out sayings and phrases that Bruce says when he’s yelling at one of us. Do up a card, he’s barely got started yet.

Duke: Hold up, who is it in there? Jason?

Jason, sitting up from behind the couch: Guess again, Sparky.

Tim: It’s Steph.

Damian: Silence, I cannot hear.

Bruce’s voice over a reciever: I can’t believe you would be so immature.

Tim: *crossing off a square*

Bruce: You could have been killed, do you not understand that? Look at me when I’m talking to you.

Cass: *X-ing out a square with a smug expression*

Bruce: Are you trying to kill me? That’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to put me a hospital.

Duke: Say what you will about Bruce, but the man guilt trips like a champion.

Bruce: YOU CANNOT PATROL IN SEVEN INCH HEELS, STEPHANIE. YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK YOUR NECK.

Dick, world’s smuggest grin: Bingo

Jason: Fuck no, you did not get that last one.

Cass: Cheater.

Damian: Show me the evidence.

Tim: No, that last one was too niche. There’s no possible way that was on your card beforehand.

Tim: a moment on the hips forever on the- fuck, i messed up the quote. Anyways, you're fat.

Jason, with a middle finger already up: id say kill yourself but your shitty immune system already tries to everyday

Bruce, sobbing because how could they be so mean to each other but hes an only child he just doesnt get it:

Dick, passing him on patrol: god you take up the entire skyline go on a diet

Tim: jay? You busy?

Jason: probably but that wont stop you

Tim, tears in his eyes: you know I dont mean it right? When I bodyshame you? I love you

Jason, nodding because this happens at least once a month: i know timbo

Damian: I dont understand why they call you fat, but if you are and I dont see it then I hear the keto diets effective

Dick: i was- see that's the thing, i was an absolute asshole to you,

Jason: oh you were.

Tim: and that's what i don't understand! like, Wing you fucking ooze big brotherlyness.

Dick: -aw,

Jason: ew?

Tim: -the fuck did you end up like this when every story Hood tells us about your relationship before ethiopia is absolutely fucking insane.

Dick: *laughs* you know i was worse, too- because i had absolutely no place holding the amount of beef with you as i did,

Jason: the Shit You Used To Say-

Dick: *claps in delight* the shit i used to say! dude- Hood, i was fucking out of pocket,

Jason: i was twelve.

Dick: you were- *abrupt wheeze, breathy giggles* you were twelve!

Tim: he can't have been that bad, i mean it's still Wing we're talking about. he's won the Gotham vigilante awards for biggest cinnamon role five years running.

Dick: *laughing* no- to be fair, i was HORRIBLE back when Hood was a kid. the only reason i learned my lesson is because he took the phrase 'traumatise them back' as a challenge.

Jason: *wheeze* yeah, we talk- we talk a LOT about the shit you used to pull, but we don't talk enough about how much i made you regret that shit real quick,

Damian: what on earth could you have possibly done?

Dick: i remember-

Jason: *gasping wheeze*

Dick, amused: shut up! i remember i had to take him out for coffee once and as we were walking down the street there was this old fat guy who kinda stopped in front of us and Hood froze, and the guy kept going and i looked at Hood and i went-, i- *laughter* i said, 'what, was that one of the guys you used to suck off for money back on the streets?'

Tim: *gasp* NO

Jason: *wheeze* wait-

Dick: *cackle of laughter* no wait- you don't-

Jason: *high-pitched weeps*

Dick: -so Hood looks at me and just goes *abrupt serious voice* 'yeah.' *even louder wheeze*

Jason: i'm crying-

Tim: OH MY GOD??

Damian, mystified: you said that to a child?

Dick: I FUCKING- I SWEAR TO GOD HE GOES 'yeah' MY HEART DROPS,

Jason:, weakly: yeah,

Dick: I WAS LIKE 'oh my fucking god he actually was a child prosititute. the first Robin just made fun of a rape victim i have to die immediately.'

Jason: *still laughing*

Damian, confused: but Hood- i remember you telling me about the time you lived on the streets. you would have told me if you'd ever had to sell yourself.

Tim: why would he tell you?

Damian, insant: because unlike you, Red, my brothers actually like me- anyway, Hood, you weren't a prostitute.

Jason: *coughing* i know i just- i said it on instinct to freak him out. fuckin' worked, too, you should have seen the size of the ice cream he bought me as an apology.

Dick: *delirious giggling* yeah man, i- fuck, you think i'm a good brother now? that shit only developed because Hood spent his early teenage years doing the brotherhood equivalent of psychologically squirting a misbehaving puppy with a squirt-gun.

Tim: why were you- why- why were you like that?!

Jason: dude- he wen't from the circus to new-parent Batman, at what point did you think anybody taught him how to act???

Tim, holding back laughter: i- ok point.

Damian: i would have thought Alfred would do something.

Jason: last week Alfred shot a squirrel through the kitchen window.

Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Damian: HE SHOT A SQUIRREL?

Tim: *starting to laugh* aw fuck- you sent Robin after him Hood, we're all fucked,

Damian: WHY WOULD HE SHOOT A SQUIRREL?!

Dick, choking: squirrel told him he couldn't have guns in the house.

Jason: *painful wheeze*

Tim: *gasping laughter* s-squirrel told him that guns killed his parents,

Dick: *high pitched* -oh my god im in pain-

Jason: he told squirrel that a man killed his parents, not a gun, but squirrel wasn't having it.

Damian: you're all monsters.