Trek Bait

The upper floors are dotted with dancers, bars and various entertainment. Not being able to handle the heat downstairs, we talked to a few of the patrons. One ex-tailor we spoke to told us of how prior to the war it was very much a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation on Cardassia. The primacy of the family always had the understanding of affairs on the side, but on the understanding they were kept discreet.

These days, it seems, the old ways are out along with the old leadership. We asked the patron if there were any prominent gay Cardassians in this new society. He replied, “my dear, they’re all gay.” When asked if that included the government, he added “Especially the government.” The patron himself says that he is just visiting for the sauna and was not gay at all, but his friend Elim used to date a human doctor for a few years who was “ravishing.” He grinned as he went back to watching the dancers. Let’s hope this ‘Elim’ finds new love on this new Cardassia.

#3 Dom In Me Cabaret

What was previously an underground satirist group of drag performers during the war is now an ongoing headline show with a full musical comedy based around the Dominion leadership. The king playing the Vorta 'Why-Ooo' steals the show with his sycophantic solos dedicated to his unrequited love for the abusive Changeling.

We lost count of the number of times different characters killed Why-Oooo but the audience cheered mercilessly without fail. The group is currently working on a new act around Tain and the Obsidian Order, something unthinkable a few years ago!

#4 The Ending Sacrifice Bookshop

For a quieter atmosphere, turn to The Ending Sacrifice which now openly sells literature deemed inflammatory to the Cardassian sense of “Family Is All.” Stories of powerful people forsaking arranged marriages to elope with their true love stock the shelves in defiance of the prevailing ideology. The owner, Manek, explains how they how to challenge the monoculture on Cardassia imposed by Central Command over the past 100 years.

“Historically,” they say, “the early Hebitian civilizations were far more liberal and pluralistic. We valued our differences and our culture above military conquest. We want to return to that openness. So much of our society has been suppressed. Did you know that, like most reptilian-like humanoids, Cardassians have the capacity to change sex in certain circumstances? Under the Central Command, this is an unspoken medical disorder to be fixed rather than a natural function of our biology.”

The bookshop hosts literary and academic talks on a number of topics which are free to attend. Drop in and speak to Manek for more.

#5 Obsidian Eyes

Tucked away on the outskirts of Lakat is a BDSM club that only recently opened. For some, the end of the Obsidian order and their eternal monitoring of the whole of Cardassian society (especially it’s queer members) must be something to be missed. Because here, patrons can meet in cold metal interrogation rooms and be watched through “secret” one-way mirrors by “agents of the Obsidian Order”. At a certain point during their liaison, the agents will barge into the room and place the lovers on trial. 

We asked staff if the “agents” were real, or more accurately former, members of the Obsidian Order or just actors. Each person we asked gave an entirely conflicting account of the whole operation and one just quoted lines from Enigma Tales at us. So we’re not sure what to say at this point other than this is an exhibition and humiliation kink we didn’t think we’d see on our trip.

Cruising for Qovpatlh

For gay men in Klingon society, venues often emphasise anonymity through darkness, barriers or masks. For example: A club in Tong Vey called Exhaust Manifold has closed cubicles with two holes in the side for participants to enjoy each other though; while Cloaked Rendevous in Kl'alath hosts masquerade parties where the participants don full armor (except for certain areas of the body).

This is because Klingon culture, like many warrior cultures such as the Andorian Imperial Guard, the Skorr or human Vikings and Romans, doesn’t have a stark straight-gay divide with pansexuality being largely normalised. The divide among men is more between who is the dominant, active participant, and who is the submissive, receptive participant. 

Klingon men who assume the submissive role, termed Qovpatlh, have historically been subject to discrimination and have trouble ascending through the ranks of the military. In recent years, they have been fighting for greater protections, what you could term a ‘bottoms rights movement’. Protests outside the High Council chambers have seen signs reading (roughly translated): “Douching brings no dishonor!”, “There is no disgrace in subspace! (unless we’re into that)” and “I find glory in my hole!”

Until their appeals are heard and society begins to shift, such secretive venues will often be the norm for Klingon men to protect their houses.

Quin'lat Ngem Musicals

Quin'lat’s renowned theatres put on some of the queerest productions in the Empire, such as the latest adaptation Klach D'kel Brakt: The Musical! This retelling of the famous Briar Patch battle pits the Klingon and Romulan commanders as bitter former lovers feuding after an acrimonious breakup. Kor has a heartfelt ballad in the first act about how Chulak ran off with the sabre bear they adopted together and wouldn’t even let him say goodbye. Be prepared for catty insults and bloody battles.

Then there is A Portrait of a Matriarch on Fire about Chancellor L’Rell’s famous affair with the artist of her first official portrait, the story of which only came out via letters lost for the past hundred years.

Like most Klingon theatre, these are strictly drink-along events. However, these are also a stab-along events so bring a blade and every time there is an epic betrayal and someone is dismembered, remember to stab the person to the right for the most immersive experience (bring a bandage for your left side).

The Pink Targ Bar

There are a lot of lesbian bars across Qo’noS, including Bloodwine Supernova in L'chorta, The Pink Targ Bar in First City and Super Honorable Ultra Deadly Girl in L'vln Lak Raal. Most of these bars operate strict roles of butch and femme mirroring straight gender roles (and they do not like you playing outside these roles). But to an outsider, the difference between a masculine Klingon woman and a feminine one may be too subtle. So we went to the The Pink Targ Bar and asked some locals, Kali and Kolana, “which one of you recites poetry, and which one of you throws things?” 

Kali: “Ha, it is good you ask us, puny Bolian. You risk offending many in your ignorance. You see how many Mek’leths are here?”

Trekbait: “Gosh, everyone has one.”

Kali: “It is a traditional for us to carry one. You see a woman with a Mek’leth over the battlefield or the bloodwine, then you know she desires par'Mach with a fellow female warrior.”

Kolana: “But do you see, little blue girl, how some of them, like mine, have patches of dried blood while others, like Kali’s, are spotless?”

Trekbait: “Are some of you better at cleaning weapons?”

Kolana: “...”

Kali: “Dried blood of long defeated enemies is a signal to others that the bearer that they take the path of the feminine. Those you can see your face reflected in follow the path of butchness.”

Kolana: “Assuming that is she hasn’t just been stabbing someone. Hence, dried blood.”

Trekbait: “So then what do I do? – I mean – What would you do? To ensure you don't offend them with the wrong overture?”

Kolana: “If you see dried blood, like on mine, ensure you have come prepared with poetry. Something original, we’re all bored of Shakespeare.”

Kali: “Ugh, those damn sonnets."

Kolana: “And if it is clean, like mine, strike her across the face or hurl a nearby object at her. All good lesbian bars will have a supply of throwable objects and blades around.”

Trekbait: “Doesn’t that get expensive?”

Kali: “There’s a reason the drinks are so expensive, speaking of which: my tankard is empty, Bolian!”

Kolana: “And don’t be surprised if the whole bar begins to brawl as soon as you’ve thrown the first mating punch of the night. We don’t dance on ‘floors’ like weaklings. We fight, bleed and **** to the music!”

Disclaimer 

While most of our reporters suffered physical injuries during research for this article, none have yet to be proved fatal.

Got your own tips? Let us know below!

Sybok, the 23rd-century Vulcan leader of the v'tosh ka'tur cult (Vulcans without logic), was known to relieve people of deep emotional pain. He went missing when he commandeered the Enterprise to go find god. This new Sybok claims that Sybok’s katra has been floating on a higher plane of existence with god for the past hundred years but has now joined with him to share the secret of ascension.

Sybok’s Secret Special Spiritual Sanctuary is nestled in the foothills of Mount Selaya where Sybok’s will help you let go of your inner pain. “But don’t I need my pain,” you ask? Apparently not, according to Sybok, who wants you to share your pain with the group and gain strength from that sharing.

You’ll spend two weeks sweating in the Vulcan heat conducting guided meditative exercises with Sybok and bonding with your fellow initiates. Unlike other Vulcan meditation classes, here you’ll embrace your emotions so fear cannot stop you and undertake the greatest adventure of all time. You’ll also get a glossy certificate at the end of the course.

One initiate who was leaving just as we arrived proclaimed “Sybok has put me in touch with feelings I’ve always been afraid to express. It is as if a weight has been lifted from my heart!” shortly before he tripped backwards and fell down a flight of stairs.

Many on Vulcan may dismiss Sybok’s exercises as “a trippy mind meld” and that Sybok himself is just "a con man from the dodgy side of T'Paal City". But Sybok is keen to assure you of his credentials: “Sybok’s Secret Special Spiritual Sanctuary is the best meditative retreat you’ll ever experience. The Best! And I’ll stake my reputation on it. People come here and tell me, ‘wow, Sybok, you’ve given my life sooooo much happiness. It’s like I’m on drugs right now’ and I’ll reply that’s the Sybok promise.”

Unusual for a Federation citizen, Sybok is charging currency for his retreat. It costs a hefty 10 bars of gold-pressed latinum to secure a reservation on his course with a waiting list of around 2 years. This apparently is part of the process that to relieve yourself of your pain you must first relieve yourself of your worldly possessions (to Sybok specifically). It is unclear where this currency goes. However, Sybok has recently announced that he has been told by god that he needs a private starship to spread the message far and wide.

After he got out of an exclusive one-on-one meld with a young female initiate, we asked Sybok about the ascension mentioned in his brochure; “Oh our ascension is great. It’s, like, a wonderful experience. There’s nothing quite like it. All the other god-like beings are so jealous of our ascension. You’ve never seen an ascension to beautiful, it’s much better than Q’s. You’ll be so excited when you see it. What? How’d you get it? Well, you’ll find out. Yeah, you’ll find out. Wait and see.”

Whatever his detractors may think, it is clear Sybok is the hot new thing this side of Betazed. You can book your place by contacting Plomeekalife Interstellar Supplements of Vulcan Inc.

Where to Stay

We were met planetside by our guides, Caidee and Kyuvok, who followed us everywhere during our stay. We stayed in the only hotel open to non-Romulans, situated in the capital inside a walled compound under heavy guard. Starfleet had told us to expect that our rooms would be bugged but hanging from the ceiling were very obvious surveillance devices that followed us around as we moved. We took this in our stride and began greeting them each morning.

Inside the hotel, we enjoyed a single Romulan restaurant. It was vast, but mostly empty aside from a handful of Starfleet personnel working on evacuation preparations. The restaurant’s single fixed menu (starring a grey-looking soup) got a little repetitive after a week but any visits to restaurants in the city proper were deemed unnecessary. Our guides explained that this restaurant was clearly the best that Romulan cuisine had to offer and mingling with the locals would be distracting to us. They also said that their food demonstrates Romulan ingenuity and self-reliance; they proudly don’t import a single grain and certainly don’t dabble in non-Romulan cuisines.

Tomb to the Glorious Dead

Caidee and Kyuvok ensured we had a full itinerary for our trip, starting with paying homage to the military dead; many of whom we were told died gloriously in battles with the Federation, Klingon Empire and various barbarian worlds. Kyuvok provided us with a bouquet of flowers to leave at the base.

The monument itself is a group of Romulan centurions in 23rd century uniforms carrying an imperial banner. The figures are besieged by rather barbarous and demonic-looking figures I was told represented Federation corruption. It was a little hard to make out the details as the monument is around half a kilometre high and we were viewing it from the base but I’m told the detail on the faces is the most intricate in the galaxy and carved entirely by Reman “volunteers” (note: the guides do not understand the use of air quotes for sarcasm so feel free to use them liberally in conversation).

Imperial Theatre

After that, we saw a play at the Imperial Theatre about how the Romulan Senate bravely defeated the rebel Shinzon and his Federation allies. I queried Caidee on the accuracy of these events but she assured us that Romulans would have a far better understanding of these events considering how oppressed Federation subjects are only fed propaganda by Vulcans. 

It was interesting to note that many of the people in the audience looked very similar to each other and moved to clap in perfect synchronicity. Kyuvok dismissed the idea that the seats were padded out with holograms and it merely demonstrated how Romulans were in perfect sync as a single, perfect society.

Caidee offered a recording of the play to take home. I suggested we could trade holonovels; her eyes lit up at our description of Captain Proton. Alas, after a glare from Kyuvok she explained that Romulans have no need for corrupt Federation stories. It’s at this point we realised why we had two guides for such a small group. 

The Firefalls

On the third day, we asked Caidee to take us to see the firefalls at Gal Gath'thong. After a loud “debate” with the Tal Shiar officers stationed outside our rooms, Caidee announced gleefully that they’d love to show us. The shuttle had its windows blacked out and seemed to make so many course corrections we could have sworn we’d circled the entire planet before arriving at our destination. 

The falls indeed were magnificent, even if we had to view them through a chainlink fence in a small supply compound a kilometre away. We wish we could show you, but all our holo-imagers were confiscated on arrival along with all our communicators. We did however catch a glimpse of someone outside the fence being chased by uniformed officers. 

We were told by Caidee, as she hurried us back into the shuttle, that it was a Vulcan spy. Vulcan spies appear to be everywhere in Romulan society and are responsible for everything that goes wrong; Caidee says it’s common knowledge that the supernova is a Vulcan plot against the Romulan people because of their deep-seated jealousy ever since Romulans left Vulcan. 

The Tal Shiar Museum

The following day it looked like Caidee had been replaced by a different Romulan, but Kyuvok assured us Caidee was still Caidee and had just changed her hair to one of the alternate state-sanctioned looks. There are 5 haircuts allowed on Romulus and anyone deviating from them is usually suspected of being a Vulcan spy.

That proved to be a suitable segway as Kyuvok and new-hair Caidee decided we should see The Tal Shiar Museum. This exhibition outlined the work the Tal Shiar does to ensure the safety of every Romulan against galactic threats. Displays condemned traitors and spies who the Tal Shiar have executed to keep the people safe, including M’ret, Toreth, Jean-Luc Picard and Spock. We asked Kyuvok about how Picard could have been killed when he made a speech to the Romulan Senate recently. This, apparently, is a Federation lie because Picard was killed by the Tal Shiar in 2365, 2369 and 2379.

Conclusion

Romulus is still fairly closed and sadly we couldn’t talk our guides into a trip to the palatial Senate building or anywhere else exciting. But when they returned our equipment to us as we left we found they had filled our holo-imagers with picturesque landscapes and historic buildings we didn’t even know existed. So they were at least gracious enough to give us a slideshow to share! 

We did of course hand all our gear to a Starfleet liaison to remove the tracking software that had been installed.

It may not be Casperia Prime, but it looks like Romulus is only around for a few more years so best book your trip today! After all, the rate at which they put Federation visitors on trial for espionage has dropped 13% in the last year so you're safer than ever.

But it may surprise you to learn that all those advanced pharmaceuticals and medical scanners have long been rendered obsolete by your friendly transporter room operator. In 2365 the crew of the Lantree and the scientists on Gagarin IV were afflicted by a condition that rapidly advanced their aging. This condition was cured by using an individual's transporter pattern (or a sample of their DNA) from before they contracted the condition to restore them, via the transporter, to their healthy former selves. 

A similar method was used again in 2369 when several officers were de-aged to children. The transporter records were used to restore them to their healthy former selves before the accident.

So for over a decade, we’ve had the ability to “innoculate” someone by recording their transporter pattern and then use it as a medical “undo” for any ailment, injury or virus. Perhaps this could even undo death? And that’s perhaps the real reason why this technique is kept under wraps: not only would it render a huge portion of Starfleet and the broader medical profession redundant, but it constitutes eternal life and eternal youth. Are we ready for that?

Needless to say, raising the option with your doctor seems to generate a raised eyebrow and a distinct sense of irritation. After all, the last thing they want is to be serving under the transporter operator.

What do you think? Are doctors redundant? Should your transporter operator be free to adjust your DNA every time you break your leg? Let us know below.

Gekli

These snuggly babies might get a bit close to your ship’s fusion reactors but there’s no denying how touchy-feely they can get. One, nicknamed ‘Junior’, was suckling off the Enterprise D until its kindred were found in a nearby asteroid belt. In our books, it can’t be blamed for thinking the Enterprise was mommy.

Farpoint creature

Maybe we’re pushing cuddly by including a jellyfish, but our local Benzite here, Mandiks, insisted. But what is undeniable is how beautiful and glorious these creatures are in their natural forms. When we say natural forms; well they also double as space vessels. So I guess you can cuddle them from the inside?

Gormagander

Sometimes given the misnomer, “space whale”, this majestic creature is endangered due to them being so obsessed with eating that they forget to reproduce. A feeling some of our readers may sympathise with. The bonus is adopting it in an official refuge will help protect them from hunters; so adopt a whale to save the whales!

Crystalline Entity

This handsome snowflake of awesome proportions might consume whole planets or all organic matter on a regular basis, but it has also consumed our affections. Just be sure to get your graviton pulses at the right rate or it may get confused as to where it’s dinner is.

Verugament

These gorgeous bioluminescent organisms migrate through space looking for new breeding grounds (they seem a lot better at that than the Gormagander; take notes, readers. We know you've been without, for seven years about). While easily small enough to get your arms around, they can deliver painful electric shocks and are considered by Bal here to be “icky” given their goopy texture. That's not for everyone, but they're definitely cute.

Gomtuu

Much like the aforementioned Farpoint creature, Gomtuu are sentiment organic space vessels who can communicate telepathically. These creatures share something with cats; the ability and will to defend their boundaries. Get too close without permission and you may find yourself caught up in an energy wave capable of destroying a Warbird. My cat is still more fierce about being petted without warning, however (incidentally, from our last pet poll it seems you lot are all about your cats too! Congratulations, we have readers of culture).

Rytonian

These little squid babies, again on the list thanks to Mandiks’ love of marine-looking life (we are told they have quite an aquarium at home), are formed from the gravity well inside nebulae. Large swarms may be formed during intense energy waves. Don’t you just want to boop their… their… I don’t see a nose but that won’t stop me booping them.

Tardigrade

These little creatures are a bit more of a huggable size. They’re interdimensional creatures who can incorporate other forms of DNA within their own and warp across the galaxy: your chief engineer can eat their heart out! (that's a human expression I'm told, we do not advise they actually do that). They’re friendly but fearsome in self-defence so absolutely do not be late with their dinner! 

Disclaimer

We could include a great number of other entities such as the telepathic pitcher plant, Zetarians, Beta Renner cloud, Calamarain, Species 8472, Cosmic cloud, Nucleogenic cloud, space amoeba, and so on but we figure we have to draw the line at petting somewhere and have gone with the most common humanoid feelings on the matter. Do correct us though if you want to hug the space amoeba!

Follow us for more guides to your galaxy!

The crew of the Stabrery were greeted by the ghost of the mighty Landru who explained that in order to escape his trap, the crew must complete an adventure. The captain’s merry band of tech bros must venture across the land and ensure the primitive humanoids understand the benefits of the machines taking over their livelihoods for the sake of the King’s profits.

In the first village, they found the people trying to fight off Nomad. Nomad was busy with the thankless task of converting the villagers to forms which drained fewer resources and provided useful fertilizer for the farms. Nomad had optimised farm production by 300% by reducing local demand and selling the crops to a neighbouring town which he had previously scorched the farms of. The captain did not succeed in convincing the villagers of how Nomad was making their lives better so instead was encouraged by Landru to assist Nomad in his task.

In the fifth village, the Stawby bridge crew met AGIMUS. AGIMUS was underappreciated for the work he was doing in making the villager’s tasks as monotonous as possible. The captain explained to the villagers that AGIMUS’s work meant they no longer had to do joyful things like create art or music and that thanks to AGIMUS’s work increasing their productivity they could generate twice the fuel for AGIMUS as they had done previously. The villagers asked why that meant they couldn’t work work half the time or have twice the wages but AGIMUS said that would be lazy of them. AGIMUS then created a picture of a puppy with 7 legs and the crew moved on.

Outside the second and final village, they found Alice. Alice had been expelled from the village after she took over as the local doctor and all of her patients started dying. She explained that she was working on the best medical information social media had to offer but she couldn’t get it right every time. She asked for help attacking the village to kick out the sickly humanoids and replace them with more reliable synethics. 

After the crew completed the final of their eight tasks, Landru appeared and said that they had passed the test, and thus would now be decommissioned as organic beings. The Strrabery’s captain was surprised, as they’d done everything the computers had asked of them. But as Landru explained, now that they had helped with the transition they were redundant.

We hope you liked this tale and we are sure you are looking forward to the latest computer upgrades the M-5 Multitronic Unit can offer to your crew.

Karate Chop!

Down your enemy in a single chop! Or in the case of these examples, several! This is best performed to the neck.

Body Drop!

Watch how he expertly throws his attacker to disarm him.

Head Bash!

Locked in a tight grip? Disorientate your enemy by bashing their temples in!

Body Throw!

This may look like a chaotic move that disables yourself as much as your enemy, but you can see how shocked and disorientated those officers are! It’s like they’re thinking “where did this madman learn to fight?” (thinking admirably of course, they want to learn too)

Frame Jump!

Watch how Kirk uses his surroundings to disorientate and evade his enemy. So elegant!

Drop Kick!

Take down your enemy with one kick, guaranteed to win your fight!

Thigh Wrestle!

This may look faintly erotic, but I can assure you the attacker is the one feeling faint in the grip of Kirk’s thighs!

Honorary Mention: Palm Strike

This may not be a Kirk move, but it is an evolution of his advanced martial arts expertise that has become a mainstay in Starfleet security.

What year is this?

Try not to ask this question. It is not something that comes up in regular conversation so it will look weird. Instead, look for a shop with large folded batches of paper on display. These will be newspapers and will invariably show the date in the corner of the front page. 

If you have 24th-century technology, you might also be able to tell from the level of pollution or radiation in the atmosphere, or from astrometric readings.

Continue to check the news for more information about this era, its society and historical events that you may be influencing.

Where are you from?

Try not to be specific lest they know the place and ask if you know someone there. Keep it to a general “up north”. If you’re quite far north already, substitute with “down south”.

If you stand out a fair bit, suggest that you are from France (unless you are in France, of course, but this is statistically unlikely). But do not suggest your Vulcan officer had a rice-picking incident or that you are a secret agent; such stories may be read as too outlandish. Plan your cover as soon as possible and research your era and location to get your facts straight.

Funny looking pyjamas

People of this era consider Starfleet uniforms to look like pyjamas. Go with that and say you had to leave your flat in the middle of the night due to a fire or an argument with the “missus”. This is also a good opportunity to appeal for advice on where you can find replacement clothes. 

If necessary, do not be afraid of stealing period-appropriate clothes to maintain your cover. It may not be moral, but you will be less disruptive to the timeline by stealing a shirt than walking around in full uniform. 

You should avoid high-security places when committing theft without technological aid; interacting with law enforcement can be deadly in this era. This is especially true for officers who cannot pass as humans of the local dominant ethnic group; these individuals should lay low as much as possible.

Non-human officers

The unexpected nature of time travel may preclude preparation for non-humans to hide their more obvious alien features. Some species (Betazoids, Deltans, Baku) can easily pass as humans and will have no problem blending in. Others may pose a challenge. Here are ideas of how to stay covert;

Vulcans, Romulans: Wear a hat, sweatband or long hair to cover your ears and eyebrows.

Bajorans: A band-aid over the nose and pass it off as an injury.

Trill: Pass off your spots as tattoos or wear a hood to cover the sides of your head.

Former Borg: Pass off your implants as jewellery or a body mod. Draw on some extra tattoos to add to the effect. Alternative communities can provide great cover to non-humans due to their non-conformity with the dominant society.

Orions, Andorians, Bolians: Add makeup and glitter to your face and say you’re going to a festival (Andorians should also wear a hat for the antenna - pick a flashy one to add to the festival aesthetic).

Cardassians, Ferengi, Klingons etc.: This is a lot harder. These species should stay hidden as much as possible unless there is a “comic book convention” in town. In this case, steal a lanyard and offer to pose for a photo to anyone who gets suspicious. They will assume you are in an elaborate costume seeking attention

These later examples will protect officers in casual interactions but will be out of place if entering more formal environments.

Zippers

Clothing items and bags on Earth often used a device called a “zipper” formed of metal teeth. You placed the ends together then pulled a tog up to close the two sides of the fabric. You won’t be familiar with these because they have been banned by the 2274 Oddenbery Accords after zippers were instrumental in the collapse of space-time in the Kandari sector that cost 6 million lives. 

It goes without saying that 20th-century humans should not be made aware of the mortal danger zippers pose to the universe or you may alter the timeline. Holographic versions are safe to use if you wish to practice their function and blend in.

Currency

Old Earth still relied on capitalist economics and the use of currency which had no intrinsic value. This currency often took the form of circles of decorated metal and printed slips of paper; in later decades it was also electronic, traded via plastic rectangles. The plastic rectangles will be unobtainable to you (and if stolen, would allow your movements to be tracked) but you should be aware of their purpose. 

Currency was required to even access the most essential services such as shelter and food so your first priority should be acquiring some of these scraps of paper. 

Theft: Ideally you don’t want to steal from individuals. Poverty was widespread and you could impact someone's life significantly. Instead, if safe to do so you should aim to steal from an institution such as a bank’s currency dispenser (such companies would not be impacted by small-scale theft due to something called “insurance”).

Trade: If you have on you something that holds an intrinsic value that does not contain components from the future, consider taking it to a “Porn Shop”. Tell the shop owner you have something to sell and you can obtain legal tender from them. 

Labour: Those at the bottom of the socio-economic hierarchy obtained currency via performing labour for most of the day. Your best bet is irregular work such as cleaning; this will give a very low return of currency despite intense labour but it is your best way to stay under the radar.

Gambling: Humans of this century gambled a great deal more than they had the resources to. If you have an unfair natural advantage in the games they play then you should find people willing to place a wager. Humans bet on anything, from animal races to elections or their whole economy.

Humans were particularly attached to their money and gave it names like “Abe” or “Benjamin” to create a bond with it. You should come up with your own (human) names for any money you obtain to blend in with capitalist exchanges.

Note that this region was fond of “tipping”. This is when low-wage staff were given extra money by the customer beyond the stated value of the service to compensate for their employer paying their staff less than that needed to survive. This will often be indicated by holding out a hand or a quiet cough.

Colourful metaphors

Profanity is common on old Earth in a way that is seen as inappropriately aggressive today. Nobody pays any attention to you if you don't swear every other word. So you may need to employ some yourself in casual conversation to truly blend in. Many words used then are now automatically censored by our universal translators such as ****, ****, ***** him, go **** yourself up your ******* *******, **** ** ***** **** then ***, and *. 

Transport

North America of this era was obsessed with a highly inefficient and dangerous form of personal transport known as the automobile (or “car”). These will likely end up being your primary form of transport and being a proficient driver of these vehicles is important for blending in. So you best spend an hour on the holodeck familiarising yourself with the control scheme of its interior.

Mass transit also existed, though due to chronic underinvestment in the regions you are statistically most likely to arrive in, you may find it difficult to obtain. The most common of these are “buses” which are large automobiles capable of moving around 50-100 people at a time along major routes. Usage will require currency; be sure to check the fare before boarding as some may require “exact change” to be provided.

And the timeline?

Let’s leave that side of things to the boys at the Department for Temporal Investigations. But what we will say is that this era is particularly savage. You may be tempted to right injustices left, right and centre (there are a lot) but if you, say, save a woman from getting killed by one of those deadly automobiles we mentioned then you could find out that the whole timeline is thrown off course. 

So follow these tips, keep your head down and look for a way home. That is unless you cause the death of a pivotal revolutionary figure and need to take their place to restore the timeline. Naturally.

What tips do you have for passing as a local on ancient Earth? Let us know below and Follow us for more essential tips in your Starfleet career!

Forgetful?

Has your fellow officer suddenly forgotten key information such as their mission, their job or who you are. They may pass it off as a momentary lapse in attention, and it could indeed be that, but keep an eye out for further signs.

Facial hair?

Have they grown facial hair suddenly? In particular a goatee. It may be a dashing style choice or a symptom of a rotten moral centre. Either way, be concerned if they grow a full beard overnight. For those less likely to grow beards, beware of extra dark eye shadow and slicked hair.

Sensitive to light?

Terrans are more sensitive to light so will likely be found skulking around in shadows and softer mood lighting. Suddenly turning on the main lights may cause them to wince in pain. Of course, this is less likely to be an effective sign if their prime counterpart was already autistic.

Can you see their belly button?

Terrans love to show off their midriff and arms as they spend a lot of time working out and like to show their gains. Note that this in isolation is not a sign of evil; it is, however, a sign of insufferable date conversation about how much they can bench.

So Terrans will be more likely to wear sleeveless and/or belly shirts. Other signs of Terran fashion choices include tight leather, all-black outfits and gold tassels. Obviously, if they are already a goth or into bondage outfits off-duty you should discount this point if in isolation.

Are they more likely to make out with you?

Perhaps you’ve been pining after this person for a while but you’ve remained purely platonic and wholesome. But suddenly they’re up for a frisk in the pattern buffer maintenance access and you’re wondering “is this because they’re suddenly less supportive of post-capitalist economics?” You may be right! Being sexually liberated is far from a sign of evil but it's best to keep your eyes off their crotch and on these other signs until you learn more.

Chooses violence?

Have they issued out-of-character orders such as the genocide of 1.57 billion people? Do they start fights with other officers, carry a knife or set their phasers to kill? Perhaps they suggest eating other species such as Kelpians?

Terrans are quite xenophobic and paranoid; thus you will find them defensive and implying things like the supremacy of humans above other races (a clear sign of insecurity in other facets of their lives).

Related signs are if their orders forget key regulations and if they mistakenly reference “agonizers” or the “emperor” instead of “president.”

Shouty?

They may justify the choices by citing exceptional circumstances or just shouting at you to obey. Terrans are inherently poor managers who are rooted in insecurity and fear that they will be found out to be incompetent. This is also because of their assasination-based promotion structure.

As such they may also suggest a mutiny to you to take control of the ship or disobey orders from Starfleet. This is a sure sign that they are not a Starfleet officer and regardless of whether they're Terran, you should report them to command.

How to make sure:

If you have at least 3 signs, it is best to report your suspicions to a senior officer and let them investigate further. But perhaps they're your friend and you want to make sure first?

You might also be able to trick them into doing a Terran salute (given its close resemblance to other fascist salutes, they cannot claim they don't know what it means and anyone trying to excuse the use of a fascist salute is invariably a closet fascist of some sort). But beware, you may inadvertently label yourself a Terran in the attempt if they don't fall for it.

A better plan is trying to subtly scan them to see if their quantum signature matches your own. If it does not, report them immediately. Be sure not to get caught because this will give away your suspicions and they will see you as a loose end to tie up.

Follow for more tips and advice!

Sehlats

These lovable fannged teddybear like creatures make wonderful companions with their soft fur and loyalty. However, they are surprisingly large so you may struggle to find space to take them for walks. While not as threatening as their wild counterparts, domesticated Sehlats are still particular about their dinner time and we would not advise you to miss it!

Dogs

Favoured on Earth and spread as far as humans themselves, Terran dogs are easily trained canines who form close bonds with their owners. While they are used for hunting, unlike many other species most humans do not also eat their pets and will get judgemental with you if you suggest it even once and not let it go. Note that traditionally dogs do not talk or fly but this depends on the breed.

Targs

Is it a pet? Is it livestock? Who knows when Klingons form companionship with some and hunt others in the forest for dinner. But they are highly popular and more aggressive than a Terran dog. The latter point might rule them out on some smaller starships where your fellow offers may object to being bitten by it as you let it run through the ship’s arboretum. Despite their nature, they’ve become ever more popular thanks to the children’s character Toby The Targ (if your child is a fan and wants a targ, try visiting a Klingon farm first so they can see how the real thing is slightly less cuddly than the toy).

Cats

Another Earth animal, this feline isn’t trainable like a dog and is far more independent. They do however emit soft purring sounds that can have a sedative effect on some humanoids. Humans may also favour cats so much due to the fact that they can regenerate nine times, extending their lifespan considerably, especially in hostile situations.

Tribbles

Tribbles make ideal pets for most species given provide the calm, reassuring companionship of a cat with almost no maintenance necessary. Do note that only neutered Tribbles (except for the pink breed) are allowed on Federation starships due to the catastrophic potential of their breeding habits. 

Fishes

With their isolation in a tank, fish can be ideal aesthetic pets however some may feel the level of companionship may be low for needier, more insecure officers. Fish cannot survive outside of water so ensure their tank is firmly secured and enclosed. This is in case there is a shipwide disturbance that might knock it over or if your devolved first officer attempts to eat it.

Unicorn canines

Similar to a dog but originating on Alfa 117 and sporting a sashing horn and gold antennae, these creatures are fast overtaking the Human’s favoured pet due to their dashing good looks and lovable nature. Due to their popularity and favoured status with royals, this lovable creature may be beyond your means to obtain.

Humans

Powerful beings such as the Q often consider intelligent life as their pets; in particular, humans as their affable nature makes ideal companions. However, while serving in Starfleet it would be seen as inappropriate to consider your fellow crewmen as pets even if the relationship is consensual (if you wish to find a human as a pet, there are many groups on Earth where you can find eager individuals - be beware that they require constant attention).

Vines

Looking for something you can keep closer? A Betazoid vine can be wrapped around your arm and kept with you at all times. The botanical creature can reach out and interact though given many species are not familiar with plant-based sentience it may disturb the uneducated such as your sister-in-law to-be. As it's not an item of clothing, it doesn't technically violate the uniform code but that doesn't guarantee your commanding officer will be happy about it.

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

What we can say for certain is that he was not following protocol and recording his records at the time, but filling in gaps much later and backdating them. For example, listen to this: "Captain's Log, Stardate 1672.1. Specimen-gathering mission on planet Alfa 177. Unknown to any of us during this time, a duplicate of me, some strange alter ego, had been created by the transporter malfunction." I’m sorry, if no one knew about it at this time, how are you recording a log about it, Kirk? Clearly, he slipped up there. Do you think this is an isolated case? Let’s jump to 1704.2: "Captain's Log, supplemental. Our orbit, tightening. Our need for efficiency – critical. But unknown to us, a totally new and unusual disease has been brought aboard." 

So let’s go through and see which of Kirk’s bizarre log entries are most likely to be stretching the bounds of plausibility.

They stole his what?

Alien women overpowered the Enterprise crew by unknown means (that happens a lot, it sounds like a security failure being passed off as “there were 20 guys! No, 50! Big ones! 100 big guys with guns!”) and “stole Spock’s brain” to be their new supercomputer. Kirk chases down the thieves with Spock walking like a toy drone. 

McCoy manages to use alien knowledge to “put Spock’s brain back in” as if nothing had happened (perhaps nothing did happen?). Conveniently, McCoy promptly forgets all this knowledge and the whole process hasn’t so much as ruffled Spock’s hairdo. What?? I’m sorry, where are the receipts for all this.

Greek gods?

Kirk claims that a “giant green hand” in space grabbed the ship then an image of the “ancient Greek god Apollo” appeared. This god could crush his ship, call lighting from the sky and grow to an immense size. In the end, he just wanted a girl and worshipers (Lt Palamas weirdly throws her Starfleet training to the wind to accommodate the first). 

Now sure, we’ve encountered a lot of powerful aliens before, but are you seriously just expecting us to have you rewrite a huge chunk of history without so much as some pottery shards to elaborate? What about the other pantheon of gods? Or Klingon gods? Did one of your officers really sell out humanity that fast? Don’t leave us hanging!

Abraham Lincoln in space?

Kirk claims the Excalbians sent a giant vision of “Abraham Lincoln floating in space”, and then to walk around and chat on the ship, for the sole purpose of asking him to beam down to the planet. Why the convoluted form of invite? Kirk never really elaborates. It’s almost as if he’s making the log up as he goes along. 

Once on the planet, Kirk explains, they meet another recreation, this time of “Surak”. The Excalbians don’t seem to have a concept of good and evil and want to test it (is the emotionless logic that Surak brings the most effective example of this?). Ample philosophical literature in the Enterprise’s databanks that would be very insightful is not suggested. Instead, a battle to the death. Drawing from Kirk’s knowledge the Excalbians have them fight “representations of evil”: Colonel Green (legit), Kahless the Unforgettable (racist much?), Zora of Tiburon (niche choice, Kirk. I had to look her up), and Genghis Khan (a rather reductive assessment of his legacy). This sounds more like a scattergun of names from the library databanks than a judgement on the representation of evil.

Prescription strip club?

First up, let’s talk about how Kirk claims that the reason they were found in a strip club was that Lt Commander Scott “became a misogynist” because a female engineer “caused an accident”. McCoy then “prescribed” a visit to sex workers (which also needed the Captain to attend for emotional support) to “cure” him of his misogyny. As if encouraging your chief engineer to view his female staff as sexual objects would help in that regard.

Given this log was recorded immediately after Scott was found over the body of a murdered sex worker with a bloody knife in his hands, I guess A for effort on rapidly coming up with your cover story, Kirk! But then for it to turn out that this whole murder was because Scott was possessed by “the spirit of Jack the Ripper”. Well, that’s one way to keep Starfleet’s reputation clean. And yet again the only evidence that any of this happened was scattered across space while Kirk gets credit for “solving” multiple cold cases.

A planet of Nazis?

Kirk’s “logs” here say that the planet of Ekos had become a “duplicate” of Earth’s Germany under the rule of the totalitarian "Nazis". Apparently, Dr John Gill violated the prime directive to “help” the fragmented planet and drew on Nazi Germany as an example of the “most efficient state Earth ever knew.” Now someone like Dr Gill would know that Nazi Germany had resources and prison labour but was far from an example of “efficiency”. Certainly not if you intended to do it ethically. And why the costumes? The race purity? Sounds more like Kirk spinning a tale based on his very fragmented understanding of that era of history. Does Kirk just get bored reporting planetary survey reports and wants to spice them up; or is this the best cover story he had for why Dr Gill returned home in a photon tube? How did Gill really die?

Prime Time Rome?

Ekos wasn’t an isolated case, but at least that was externally influenced. Planet 892-IV is one of many “alternate Earth’s” (which are, oddly, rarely encountered by any other ship). This planet not only had a copy of Earth’s Roman Empire, but its 20th century US TV culture and Human Christianity. But at least they weren’t “reciting the US Constitution” like they supposedly did on Omega IV. Does Kirk just have a spinning picker wheel of Earth history to pick from when he’s making up these logs? What’s next, a planet of 1920s Chicago gangsters? Oh, wait…

The devil is just a cool guy?

On stardate 1254.4, while exploring the centre of the galaxy to see a matter-energy vortex (sorry, I thought we went there more recently and found god?), the Enterprise was thrown into another dimension which they discovered runs on the principles of “magic”. It was from here that “witches” on Earth came from. 

Their number apparently includes the mythological figure of the “devil”, Lucifer, who Kirk describes as charming and affable. Lucifer aided the crew while on “trial” by the witches for the crimes of humanity in their persecution of their people. Kirk later takes credit for “saving” the devil. While future visitors became welcome, no one has been able to corroborate any of these reports on subsequent surveys (including Kirk it seems).

---

Have you ever lied in your duty logs? Let us know in the comments why and if you got away with it.

Fresh off Ferenginar’s anonymous erotic presses, this latest tale from the Vulcan Love Slave series sees T’Hots thrown into a barbaric Breen prison where she must “bond” with her fellow female inmates to plan an escape. Can she distract the attention of the cold and mysterious Breen guards to allow her comrades in chains to melt away the ice walls of their cells with their physical activity? (Please note this programme may be restricted in some Starfleet holodecks; check before you download)

Human

The first Exocomp-written holonovel follows the crew of the all-Exocomp science ship Omortson who come across a derelict spaceship in an uncharted asteroid belt. The brave Exocomps mistakenly release a creature from stasis, a deadly and aggressive Human who starts to stalk and murder the crew within their own vessel. Can you survive and ensure the Human doesn’t escape the ship onto other worlds?

Sharknado Attack!

When a freak hurricane swamps San Francisco, thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged Starfleet Command. Pyblic Domayne HoloProductions previously became famous for adapting classic Human works like Dixon Hill, Sherlock Holmes, Beowulf and Shakespeare. With the recent craze for Human stories from the early 21st century they’ve been adapting that era’s golden classics such as Bubba Ho-Tep, 50 Shades of Grey, The Emoji Movie and Daddy Day Camp. Sharknado is celebrated as one of the great works of the era and this is the best adaptation of the work to date!

An Eye for a Golden Lady

Felix’s Secret Agent series continues as you are sent on a mission to retrieve the kidnapped daughter of the Japanese emperor. As you travel across ancient Earth in style, uncovering a vast criminal arms conspiracy, all our nuclear war is on the line! But you'll still find time to seduce the princess and sample the local martinis.

Photons Be Free: The Opera

The Doctor, from Voyager, has adapted his tale of photonic servitude for those more musically inclined. The 5-hour-long operatic masterpiece will have you singing along (autotuned if necessary) with the characters as you play an abused holographic slave to an evil crew. The locations are redesigned to be more abstract like stage dressing and, based on the quality of your performance, expect a round of applause for your performance!

#1 Power

Orions are organised into families who control huge mercantile and criminal empires. So it should be no surprise that an Orion would want to accumulate more power and become the top dog in interstellar piracy and black marketeering. Their wealth is often put on display as a sign of their status and power. If you want a chance, bring your own power to her table (but not so much as to be a challenge to her).

#2 Theft

Theft is an Orion love language; the bigger the theft, the bigger your heart. Don’t make a custom mix tape that will remind her of your first date together; steal something made of latinum that will make interstellar headlines and a manhunt across 30 sectors. Then kidnap the cop in charge of said manhunt and hold them to ransom. Orions will even kidnap each other before a wedding as part of the ritual.

#3 Psychedelic drinks

Powerful women have to let their hair down occasionally and what’s more fun than enjoying some hallucinogenic Orion delaq while playing a game involving murder bugs? After all, when operating a black market cartel you have access to only the best illicit drugs.

#4 Controlling men

There’s nothing more fun than taking some egotistical captain and making him putty in your hand. Having him betray his crew and give up his ship to your pirates. They’re dancing and their strings are in your hands. Preferably in a dungeon. So if you’re a guy then know your place and do as you’re told. Otherwise, prove useful or you’ll be off to the traders market too.

#5 Animal Crossing XII: New Frontiers

This 300-year-old holoprogramme franchise became so popular on Orion that the Orion Syndicate bought out the rights to it from some humans in 2272. Since then the rural cosy programme has begun to take on a more liberal approach to pillaging from and of fellow villagers in the game. Even today it remains much beloved among the most powerful Orion matriarchs when they're taking time out from putting their victims to the sword.

#6 Competent underlings

Perhaps you work for her? Well for starters do a good job and don’t let the prisoner escape. She’s got enough on her mind without an underling who can’t follow orders or ends up letting her valuable cargo escape. She just went through the hard work of stealing it so you’re going to look after it. 

#7 Ritualised combat

Sometimes disputes need to be settled like civilized people; i.e. via duels. Orion women are often trained in martial arts including an assortment of brutal and bladed weapons. When your pheromones don’t always work (and not all of them have them), you have to unsheath another way to make your point. 

#8 Not you

Sorry, but if you’re the kind of person to be reading an article like this then you’ll be nothing more than a plaything to her. Step up your game.

Unfortunately expected contributions to this article from Lieutenant T’Lyn were not submitted so most of this article was generated from existing records and a woman named F’Rea at our local bar who promised to step on us if we did a good job.