1) this still feels like a living nightmareeeee
2) c was at the place i catered yesterday, and for the first time ever was early enough to be there when i dropped off food. and it was Fine, but he texted me a thing after and then i told him to eat some vegetables, and he responded and included a nickname he used to use, which was, uh? uhhhh? made me feel doted upon but also felt inappropriate and sad, since i know it doesn’t mean anything now; then we had a weird exchange late at night when i was like ‘we should chat again sometime’ because we are Being Friends (and it is still unclear to me if i’m doing this in an okay way or not, as in, in a way that is motivated by putting off pain and not dealing with the Void that i find myself in otherwise; to be continued, that debate); and now i don’t know where we stand and if he like hates me thinks i’m dumb etc. because that’s where i Go with these things. deep seated self loathing gets in to your relationships because of course it does, & cracks them apart, and also makes the fallout very hard
3) being in my gardens makes me feel better even though it is not immune to the feeling that everything i do feels like waiting/avoiding
4) i’m reading pema chodron and that is Good
5) tmi /// org*sms also make me feel better l o l
6) i chatted with some musician on okc (why! though) and almost met up but didn’t and the familiar nervous excitement and false sense of hope made today worse, can I be banned from dating apps
7) i got a tarot reading from an amazing witch person I've followed on insta for a while and it was a lot & really really reeeally good and I need to talk with someone about it
8) i think i’m dropping out of school for the time being for many reasons; supported by my closest classmate friend who has also dropped out for different reasons, and gently encouraged by c a while back; but I have solid plans to keep learning in different ways, and I trust myself to come back to it; but will i feel like i’m a mess and a fool and a disappointment for the next year? maybe!!
9) friends are nice and sweet but u still gotta be alone most of the time!
10) i would like to be comforted & beloved thanks!!! i miss being beloved in the specific good full way i was!! but if there’s a point to any of this, or something i should be listening to, it’s that i need to not need to be comforted and beloved just to function in the world!! at the same time i uhhh deserve that like everyone does