Hello again. 💀

"Progression fantasy is a subgenre of fantasy fiction characterized by a central focus on the protagonist's intentional and quantifiable increase in power, skill, or magical ability" -wikipedia

I needed to hear this today, and i think so does a lot of people.

Ill be doing my usual bad, then all of a sudden im doing so so so much worse and it will always be a full moon.

So with that, i highly do not suggest going for any form of diagnosis during a full moon. That was a bad time, and i left extra senstive.

Ive known for a couple of years now. I have been fighting it for longer.

People keep saying congratulations.

I guess thats the indication of how often people are dismissed for their disabilities.

Congratulations. You are finally recognized for the chronic pain and torture you had to indure.

I dont like being doom and gloom about my mental disorders, its not good for the healing process and i feel it paints disabiled people in a small box.

There will be some very light spoilers for brandon sandersons mistborn/era 2 and a court of thorns and roses.

One part of realizing i am autistic is how i handle relationships and my expectations with them. I am starting to realize i am extremely rigid in how i want to be approached. I need clear intentions, someone to shower me in affirmations, someone who is gentle with their arguements. It all sounds like fair things to request but in my experiences with how people are and seeing the sorts of love stories others really enjoy i have grown to accept that my view on relationships is probably heavily influenced by my autism

How this appears is the complete disdian i have for "lies", things i consider lies.

- negging, i dont fuck with this shit. You are mean to me once, your not even on my radar to be in a relationship with

- the cat and mouse chase. I dont understand it, i am not ever going to play hard to get, im going to straight up come out and say i like you and we go from there. (This can be overwhelming to people, im starting to understand that)

- i need to have the other person straight to the point and tell me they like me with their full chest. I am flattered by the inferring of appreciation, but i will make absolutely no moves unless i am straight up told "i have a crush on you"

This has come to my attention because one of my leeeeast favourite tropes is "enemies to lovers" because a lot of the times these books end up at some point both people know they like each other, but they keep up this "game" that they are both aware of where they pretend to be mean and disinterested.

In acotar, thats where im at, thats the shtick, mind you it may be for a short period of time. But in this short period of time i am supposed to be invested in the romance story. Im supposed to be routing for them and kicking my feet. But i am angrily yelling "why the fuck would you not tell him you like him???" I find the whole manipulation of saying something mean then going to your room to smirk and be like "yea i got this guy under my thumb" like it feels unnecessary and mean.

And this had lead me to a completely surprising conclusion. I would pay good money to read a spicy romance novel written by brandon sanderson. Lol

He writes loves stories with so much honesty and intention. He writes complex love stories that both parties fall for each other with the same goal in mind and with as much clear intentions as they are aware. They are messy but they are kind and nuanced. Steris's love story was the first romance i literally kicked my feet too. Not surprisingly steris is autistic ❤️

In the same breath that im pissed off at these tropes, i know they are really loved and i can appreciate how these sorts of games provide a sense of value and excitment to someones life.

As an autistic person who struggles with social interaction on a good day, the idea that someone would actively be playing mind games with me as a fun little hobby to them makes me so angry.

I dont think less of people for finding their person in this way. The other person part of this game may enjoy the back and forth too. Its a matter of finding your person/s But im realizing all that anger comes from a struggle i have with relationships and being social.

This autism awareness month has been a great way to add perspective, that once felt like a moral stance is now just a preference.