Experiences and Ramblings about being trans

If I timed this right, this post goes up exactly one year after I realized I was trans. Like, down to the hour. A lot happened since then.

I did some trial and error with labels, decided none really fit me, but settled on nonbinary transmasc to communicate it to others.

Picked the world's most stereotypical trans name for myself.

Came out to friends pretty much immediately, family to come soon.

Tried on a binder and fucking hated it.

Made this blog to organize my thoughts.

Deliberated on pronouns and how I want them to be used.

Came out to my therapist. Got a written confirmation for being trans. Scheduled an HRT consultation. Came out to several more doctors.

Developed a new, different kind of body image issues. Possibly dysphoria? Maybe just internalized fatphobia but for a different gender.

Worried about whether this new, more authentic, me might be unlikeable especially to my friends.

Looked at pictures of top surgery results and almost cried.

Hated my periods more than ever before.

Managed to schedule a top surgery consultation (one year in advance because waitlists are crazy like that)

Scheduled a different HRT consultation because the original one cancelled on me.

Learned a lot about trans issues and the hurdles in Germany.

Watched a new law pass to enable easier changes of legal name and gender.

Officially and legally changed said name and gender through said law!! Got a new ID, too. Started changing my name on all sorts of official documents.

Cried to at least one Philosophy Tube video.

Cried a lot, in general.

Watched a verdict take effect that allows health insurance companies to deny gender-affirming treatments.

Fought with my Health Insurance. Fought with the Committee that has the power to change these regulations again. Oh yeah also watched my government fall apart in real time and next up is eternal conservative leadership forever lol. Fought with my health insurance some more.

Wrote more goddamn emails than any person should have to in a lifetime.

Overheard my roommates talk about me with my new name and pronouns, several times.

Discovered a near eternal amount of bizarre gendered concepts hidden in my brain. (did you know hair is girlier if it curls right instead of left?)

Stopped hating my reflection. Started hating my reflection, but for other reasons. (Honestly I'm pretty sure that one's a depression thing)

Learned a lot about myself.

Fully moved past the concept of gender as it's enforced today.

Played a Pokemon game with my real name for probably the first time since I was 9.

Learned an absurd amount of platypus facts.

Felt so drained and tired almost every day, fighting for my basic rights and personal fulfillment.

Lived more as myself than ever before in my whole life. Finally took an interest in the person I am. Finally took my existence into my own hands. Finally dared to become someone, rather than just be.

It's all the same shit. Even when I was still a woman, I knew that the sexism in everyday life disadvantages men as well. Less than women, yes, but it is still a problem. You can split it into misogyny and misandry or androphobia or whatever word you like, and for a lot of discussion that is necessary, but they're still subgroups of sexism and they're linked forever and ever. They're two sides of the same shit-caked coin.

You've got the same with transphobia. There's transmisogyny and there's [word of choice for bigotry against transmascs]. Transmisogyny is more prevalent and more harmful, and transmascs face both similar and different issues on a smaller scale. They're still subgroups of transphobia and they're linked forever and ever. They're two sides of the same shit-caked coin.

If you want to push it further; transphobia derives heavily from sexism. They're different sides of the same shit-caked... dice?

So many trans doubts

Misgendering myself

Fluidity of gender/"Am I genderfluid or just still figuring things out"

Transmisogyny

Trans and ADHD being the same phenomenon for me (as in a deviation from a rigid social norm and in another world would go unnoticed; figured I should clarify that one)

Thoughts and plans about medical transition (To T or not to T, surgeries, nipple grafts, end goals)

My therapist

Struggles with concise wording

Who to come out to, when, and how

Force-Fem kinks and being trans

Reinventing your internal and external self simultaneously

Voice

Perceiving my body differently

Short Hair

Middle Names

Dysphoria vs Fatphobia

General Dysphoria/Euphoria Experiences or lack thereof

And the reason I wanted to make this blog, just so I could talk about it, but it's been so draining to think about:

So as of today, Germany's got a new law on the books! It'll take effect in November of this year. The so called "Selbstbestimmungsgesetz" (literally "self-determination law") will allow trans people to change their legal names and gender much, much more easily.

Here's a "quick" summary of my understanding:

Accidentally looked at a TERF blog and by accidentally I mean I clicked on it and scrolled down knowing it was a TERF, and didn't leave the very moment it made me uncomfortable.

Yikes, dudes. I know algorithm-based social media creates echo chambers, but yikes. It's so sad. They call themselves feminists, and I want to believe them. I'm going to believe that they want the best for women. But they've been so misled, so caught up in their anti-trans rhetoric, they've lost the plot.

This isn't something that's exclusive to TERFs, either. Every stance, no matter how well-intentioned, will eventually turn harmful if taken to a strong enough extreme. Let's do an example I frequently fall into myself:

"Gender is such a complex spectrum that applying a norm based on genitals at birth is detrimental." I think, if we sat down and discussed this calmly, TERFs and I could agree on this. There are more ways to be a woman than just one. There are more ways to being a man than just one. Neither is abnormal for not adhering to stereotypes. (Nonbinary identities are a different talking point for now, this post is getting long enough.) "There are no cis people." This is what I say more often. To me, it's the same stance, but I've exaggerated to the point of being reductive. What I mean is the same as the above. I'm trying to say that gender is too multifaceted to compress into a binary system, that the way we've structured the system makes it impossible to find any standardized norm that doesn't exclude a majority of people. I mean to convey that gender is an experience, and no person ever has the exact same experiences in their life. If I say "There are no cis people" to my agender roommate, they know what I'm trying to say. This is because we've had similar discussions. We've gone down the path from "Gender is such a complex spectrum that applying a norm based on genitals at birth is detrimental." together. If I say it to my cis cousin, he looks at me like I've lost my mind and tells me he's worried about the online circles I've been in. He has no context for my statement. I've reached a reductive extreme. If I now go into my local (read: online) trans positive echo chamber, I can say "There are no cis people" and some folks in my echo chamber will understand what I mean and echo it. And some people will not understand what I mean, but echo it regardless. And some people will fully misunderstand what I mean and echo it. I get no pushback for the reductive wording. They don't get any pushback for their reductive wording or misunderstanding. The cycle then repeats, until the statement has completely alienated an entire demographic.

The TERF echo chamber works the same. Every echo chamber works the same. The rift between factions and their respective echo chambers widens and widens. It's near impossible to have a productive conversation with a TERF, not because we're both bad at discussing, it's because we're working on entirely different levels. I'm not going to convince someone that trans people aren't evil if they fundamentally do not believe trans people exist. I can point to as many examples of trans people doing good as I want, but if you believe that the act of being trans is an inherently malicious act of deception, that won't sway you.

I've seen a bunch of discussion between TERFs and trans allies about whether trans identities, rhetoric, people, etc are dangerous to children or women or society or whatever. And it will never get anywhere. Because one side argues that a group of people should get to exist in peace. The other side does not believe this group of people is real.

I wish I had the patience to sit down and explain to every TERF calmly and respectfully why trans people are in fact real. Talk them through the science and the experiences of trans people. Show them why misogyny and transphobia share a common root of upholding the status quo and suppressing minorities. But I don't. I don't have the strength to repeatedly advocate for my very existence. I don't have the energy to explain that my experience with gender is both scientifically backed and valid even without scientific backing. I don't have the patience to convince people that I'm not a threat to anything but the status quo, and that the status quo should be abolished.

I'm a feminist. I'm a trans. I'm a woman. I'm not a woman. All of these are exhausting. And they'd be a little less exhausting if we could stop infighting and focus on our real enemy: Ronald Reagan.

Recommended reading: my post on the connection between transphobia and misogyny.

If you've read this far, and you'd like to engage in discussion, do so respectfully. I will block anyone who completely ignores the point of this post and resorts to attacks rather than dialing it down to find common ground to work from. Good faith discussion only and from all sides. I'm not your battleground. I'm tired.

Trans Women are framed as men trying to take advantage of the inherently weaker """normal""" and innocent (read: cis) women. Invading their safe spaces. Following them into bathrooms and changing rooms to assault them. Competing against them to gain an unfair advantage (that they have because they're just naturally stronger, faster, smarter, tougher, etc). Taking away resources from the poor, disadvantaged women.

This rhetoric never acknowledges the sexism it's based on, nor questions the reason why women would need separate spaces in the first place. Women are victims, but if we blame the trans ones, we don't have to acknowledge what they're actually victims of.

Trans Men are seen not as men, obviously, but as women who have fallen victim to harmful ideology. Told to reject their natural feminine traits. Desperate to escape the chains of the patriarchy, they've been tricked into perceiving themselves as the "other" gender to change sides. They're not men, they're just confused, poor unfortunate souls. Victims of indoctrination.

This view, which is common among TERFs, not only frames women as easily manipulated fools, but by focusing on that, it once again gets to ignore the wider circumstances. Which is incredibly ironic. The idea itself is based on the patriarchy and sexism being so awful that people hate it and themselves so much to join an even more oppressed minority, yet somehow it remains agnostic to the patriarchy as the central problem.

If we vilify trans people, we can ignore the systemic injustice. Hell, we can even reinforce it. Men are Predators! Women are Prey! Those are inherent traits they cannot ever outgrow!

It's vile.