I say that as if I know who I want to be

I do know that I wanna hold his hands and kiss his cheeks

I know that I wanna be a butterfly with colors so bright my predators go blind

I say that as if I am not constantly staring at myself

Wondering how to make everything make sense in my head

The wrong side of the bed has a me shaped indent

Every night I have the same dream where I am standing in the middle of Times Square

It’s so reoccurring that when I am awake I still feel so insignificantly small

I have nightmares where my fears are ten feet tall and speak to me in my own voice

Sometimes I smell perfume that smells like my mother

It remind me of childhood in the way that a scar on your knee does

I can never name the scent

I wonder what would happen if I kept all my thoughts in a glass jar

Maybe then I could hold myself up

Failure tastes a lot like cigarette smoke and clouded judgement

It looks a lot like driving so fast to get away the colors of the police sirens blend to purple