Coley

the longer i very slowly and gently sit with my dysphoria and in my gender crisis, the more i end up being slightly more comfy with the thought of teetering towards identifying as just transmasc (instead of transmasc nonbinary) or even just ✨transgender✨ (ftm) 🫣

i’m beginning to lose hope that i’ll ever be able to receive any kind of medical gender affirming care :(

i’m scared to explore my gender too much because i’m afraid i’ll want to be a boy. not only do i think it’ll make me more miserable (because almost everyone already misgenders me as it is and i would lose my family), i’m scared i’ll change my mind. i’m scared it’ll just be another one of my phases where i just feel more masculine and then it’ll go away after a couple of days. i’m autistic and (unfortunately) and very black and white thinker, so identifying as nonbinary and literally existing in the grey area is so infuriating sometimes. i just wish i were one or the other. but then again, i’m afraid of being one of those others and won’t even let myself explore that. what if i like it too much and i discover that’s really who i am. what if i don’t and i just go back to existing in the grey area.