Collaboratively Gay

yes, India made legal gender change impossible but my friends have always gendered me correctly and stick to it even when it confuses other people and my friend's little sibling calls me older brother in Kannada yes, India made legal gender change impossible but my dog learned my new name quicker than the humans and she runs to give me a kiss when she's told to without being confused about who's being referred to

yes, India made legal gender change impossible but I can feel the Adam's apple growing in my throat and my muscles getting stronger, and my smile more real and I'm growing a beard, and I talk more freely

One day it randomly comes up as Ilya says something about a time he acted like a dick and Shane is just like “Eh it’s ok, looking back I understand now that you were in a ‘I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me’ mindset and that’s why you acted like that.”

And Ilya is staring at him and Shane asks what’s wrong and Ilya goes “I hurt you?” And Shane’s just like well yeah but it was forever ago don’t worry about it. But Ilya is worrying about it because back when he’d done the various hurtful things he’d been in downward spirals where he was convinced he didn’t have the ability to hurt Shane because he didn’t matter enough to Shane to hurt him, so he didn’t think the way he acted had any negative effects. And now he’s turning pale and his eyes are getting big as he’s realizing that oh god when he did those things he hurt his favorite person and he hadn’t even realized it

He makes Shane tell him the different times it happened and Shane doesn’t really want to because clearly this is just going to upset Ilya more, but hiding it or lying is probably also going to make things worse in the long run so it’s better to get it out now. So he mentions Ilya ghosting him after they had sex, and then how Ilya acted in Sochi, and that whole night in Vegas, and “I like you… Not as a person, obviously”

And the whole time Ilya is silently nodding and looking like he wants to throw up because no no no those weren’t supposed to be things that hurt Shane, those were supposed to be things that bounced off Shane without affecting him because they were only ever meant to hurt or protect himself, Shane was never supposed to have been hurt by those and fuck how did he not see in the moment the way that he was actively hurting Shane by doing that

And now it’s even worse because Shane won’t even be mad at him about it, he keeps insisting on being understanding and not upset and trying to make Ilya feel better when in fact Ilya is the worst most awful person in the world who should be punished for eternity for making 22 year old floppy haired baby Shane SAD like some kind of MONSTER

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose