🌻

sure you'll crash if you accept that invitation to the beach, but you *can* go. you *can* put together a bag with towels and your swim trunks and snacks, ride in the car, and sit on the beach in the sun for three hours and chat with your friends and splash in the water a little. but then you spend the next week in bed in agony feeling like you're dying, feverish and shakey and nauseous and unable to sit up.

and the next time, you really can't go to the beach. just putting the towel and swim trunks in the bag makes you shake and black out from fatigue. you don't make it out the door the next morning, because packing the night before means spending the day in bed and your SpO2 is in the low 90s, and anything more than water makes you puke.

but hey you can still do stuff at home! you can take a shower and dress yourself, even if it makes you feel like you have the flu for the rest of the day. so you do, even though you have to get right back into bed afterwards. but you're doing it! you're doing self care! and slowly the full shampoo bottle becomes too heavy to lift, so you stop washing your hair. and you start cheating at getting dressed: just changing your shirt and not bothering with the pants. and you still have to lie down afterwards. and then there comes a day where getting out of bed is too much.

Ilya Rozanov who sadly says over his breakfast one morning, ‘it’s okay, Mama will be there in spirit.’ And ‘She would’ve loved you, loved us.’

Ilya Rozanov who watches his now husband sway with his now mother-in-law, taking up the dance floor with so much love it makes his insides paralysed with grief.

Ilya Rozanov who wipes his tears away when they are done, clapping louder than anyone in the room.

Ilya Rozanov who doesn’t except the song to begin again, and for Yuna Hollander to stand in front of him with her open palm.

Ilya Rozanov who holds Yuna with such strength because he has already had one mother taken away from him, he cannot have another, and Yuna Hollander who holds him back just as tight because she knows.

Ilya Rozanov who lets Yuna kiss his cheek, and says, ‘ya lyublyu tebya, mama.’ Into her hair. (I love you, mama)

David Hollander, who tries to record the whole thing but ends up just recording their feet because he’s too busy looking, watching Ilya and Yuna share this tender moment.

Ilya Rozanov who has a family.

Connor Storrie as Lance Kingston | Criminal Minds: Evolution