Foul Squelching On Aisle 3

i hate when apps know that i’m screenshotting something. when i screenshot something, that’s me acting outside your realm of understanding, app. i am beyond what you consider the observable universe. you’re not supposed to perceive me. we don’t know when god screenshots the earth. we don’t know when he’s like, “okay i’m just gonna take a pic in case i ever want to add dinosaurs back to something later and don’t remember how.” and if we did, we wouldn’t act all smug about it like, “hey, you wanna share that post? you could just click here to share it.” no, man. you didn’t catch me. i screenshotted this for my own reasons. what’s next? i can’t take a photo of my computer screen with my phone out of laziness without being shamed by the printer i don’t own?

if you have to rely on specific scripts or turns of phrase to socialise that's totally fine, but you must NOT reveal them to your friends while slightly drunk. it's like showing how the magic trick works, you can't do it in front of them afterwards

i like dogs a lot but i can never remember the differences between breeds (apart from the few types i've actually owned/interacted with). but i know people looove their dogs and love talking about their dogs, so whenever im talking to a dog owner i'll ask what breed it is, and no matter what breed they say i'll say "oh! i've heard they have a really nice nature :D" and they always go YESSS THEY'RE GREAT and start gushing about their dog and we have a nice conversation and i build social credit with this person. anyway i told my friends about this script a few weeks ago when slightly drunk and now every time we're in public together and a dog goes past they turn to me and ask "does that one have a nice nature?" im in a hell of my own making

"focaccia, serves 4" yes all 4 me

"tiramisu, serves 2" yes all 2 myself

“Pie, serves 8” yes I 8 it all

Intricate rituals

the only option, obviously

"There's millions of Tumblr users" to you. To me There's only about 12 and we all reblog the same five posts from each other

Cargo shorts are one of the ugliest clothes ever invented. Next to overalls.

Cargo Shorts are useful when you’re meeting a white bear in the desert and have to carry Gun Oil, condoms, weed, a crowler of craft beer and your 3DS XL with pokemon moon so

Just carry a purse…

But I told him I was masc :(

:(

i’m uglier and more annoying in person, rest assured

Incredibly fucked up that you have to clean the dust off of fans. You are a machine that creates wind; get your shit together.

This just makes me think of the why do walls get dusty they’re vertical act like it

you are not immune to inventing an arbitrary set of rules that only you have to adhere to

STOP!!! telling me to change my lifestyle ive had ENOUGH!!!! of people teling me to "drop it" or asking "whats in your mouth". I VE GOT THANGS TO DO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!