oof cringe vent account

i know my aunt is trying to motivate me but telling me to upgrade myself n how i have a lot of potential just makes me feel shittier.

not to mention how the things she pointed out about me that i need to improve r all my autistic traits.

im trying my best, but im still always too quiet, too shy, too NOT good enough.

never good enough.

it hurts.

im trying my best n its still not enough.

im sorry i struggle with eye contact, im sorry i stammer when i talk, im sorry for being me the me that can't hold down a job cuz im always never good enough.

i know i should get a job that suits me.

but this job market is a fucking nightmare to navigate.

n all the jobs i see r customer service.

guess who's so socially inept that most ppl don't want them.

im just.

im so tired.

of not being good enough.

never good enough.

for these infuriating people.

it's weird not constantly thinking about how relieving death sounds like, only occasionally.

depression keeps coming back in waves though, so that's not fun. currently in another wave, thus why im here.

had savings, had to spend them to pay off my mother's debt. still not fully paid off, and im stressing out. luckily not those dangerous debts, but it's still a debt.

feeling very bitter, because my family doesn't know how to save, and refuses to listen to me.

same old, i suppose.

long lost hope in ever convincing them to listen.

new problem: i hired a driver to drive me to n back from work.

he's luckily cheap, but he's constantly late. everyday.

i can't risk hiring a new driver who would ask for more money, but current driver needs constant reminder t ocome early and he still does not.

my family is pushing me to find new driver, but they like to talk big game bout paying more, as if im not the sole provider n will be the one who has to pay him. n i could confidently say, whatever money my salary has left over, will not be enough to help us survive.

so i'll have to grit n bear my driver's inability to be early and constantly making me late, because i'd rather that than not having money to even go to the doctor's, hell i don't even have enough to go to the dentist n i have a cavity for almost 5 years now that my mother 'promised' to provide money to go to but never did.

my head hurts, i'm about to cry.

title says it all: i got new job... through nepotism. feels sucky but also, better than being broke. job is fine, almost good. haven't been yelled at, overworked, uhh other negative stuff i don't like. but i keep waiting for it to happen, n i feel increasingly anxious cuz it hasn't happened. sure, maybe its cuz its kinda family business, so duh, but also i just can't help it? i almost feel like messing up on purpose just to get a reaction but i can't do that, i owe my relative for finding me this job, for giving me this job, i wanna do right by them;;

idk, things r just, im not used to not being exploited. on another note, im overwhelmed by my family. a lot of factors involving them. found out grandmother wants me to fail in life apparently, gossips bout me getting fired soon n all. my mom wants me to repay my grandmother w my salary, which, what the fuck ahaha;;;; need to clean house but its too much for my brain to handle, idk n my mom keeps making these remarks n i wanna burn it all down. idk. everything feels like a lot. i want out. i don't wanna be role provider for my family while they talk behind my back, i don't want this house, its too much for me, i want a smaller one i don't want my pets to sub fur all over my clothes, im sick of it i don't i don't want a lot of things, i can't list them right now;;

im not allowed to leave the area, as much as i want to. hiring a charter is expensive, so the distance can't be too far.

every job opening that IS available, i don't have the experience and skillset for, below minimum wage, etc etc.

i have a deadline.

im resigned to just.

i don't even know.

im just clinging onto my hobbies desperately, if only so i could feel something.

everything feels so dead to me now.

god.

and i need to get better.

but for some reason, only now did it hit me.

and im just, having a whole crisis over it??

idk the words, words r hard, but its just, GOD????

trying to get better is alrdy hell, now I have to get EVEN better, like FUCKING HELL IM GOING BACKWARDS.

and i also have like, revelations??

Job didn't want me, and while yeah, that sucks and i hate it but also I'm SO GLAD???

My family's been draining my of my own money, I don't even have savings cuz they keep taking it and so im GLAD not to have a JOB.

But I NEED to work cuz FINANCIAL ISSUES.

but im so SICK of my family draining my own MONEY. FROM THE JOB I HAD SEVERAL BREAKDOWNS OVER.

Their excuse is that they use their own salary to pay bills, SO AM I.

SO USE UR OWN MONEY TO BUY YOUR OWN TINGS. WHY USE MINE- oh they used it all- THEY FUCKING USED IT ALL SO THEY USE MINE-

im still so fucking mad and it only went on for a year or so, they want to restart the cycle and i fucking hate that and I just.

No isn't an answer to them. To them it's me ABANDONING them. And fucking hell i want to run, i want out and i just.

GOD.

2025 is. soon.

sigh.

im not, ready, nor am i looking forward to it.

not looking forward to trying to fit in another job that's not meant for my 'too quiet, not fast enough, no common sense' ass.

for now, however.

it is very refreshing to not always be criticized for being myself, since, duh, im at home.

but, i need money, so i need to find job.

work sucks, but i still need to do it.

sigh.

trying to fit in when ppl can literally detect im an anomaly among em is a pain in the ass.

and im not strong enough to mask 24/7, so.

god i hate this.

failed, very badly.

my mom won't stop making me feel horrible.

tear ducts have been refilled and drained again.

and im surrounded by one of the reasons living is so hard.

im.

what's the point again.

why do i have so many dreams.

i keep doing this.

why

im so tired.

am i destroying my ear drums just to drown out the noise again? yes. yes i am.

i wish the noise didn't include my mom's voice.

but all the words i hear will just make the noise louder.

i used to worship the very ground she walked on, i love her so fucking much, I'm willing to throw myself away for her, i was RAISED to do EVERYTHING for my FAMILY.

why can't i.

why am i so unwilling to now.

why am i prioritizing myself now.

im just me, why.

im just.

why.

..im sorry.

my mind is suggesting something rlly not good now.

and its tempting.

oh no, oh dear.

im trying not to.

im trying.

even tho its never enough.

i can't take that path.

too risky for my friends.

if there's 1 thing that's still tying my sanity (as much as i cringe over the word, i rlly do feel like I'm going to go insane), its them, and i can't do it to them.

as much as i want to do it to myself.

haa life, why r u so harsh

goddamnit.

goddamnit all.

im gonna.

idk.

not die ig.

so i got out of my toxic workplace, and i was so fucking hopeful, that maybe, hey life is giving me a chance to actually be happy, finally.

then the boss pulled me aside to tell me im not fit for the job, and cut my training in half. it was supposed to be 2 weeks, but i only attended 5 days.

i was too quiet, not outspoken enough, just too fucking different to be suited for the job.

now im fucking jobless, amazing.

and my mom racked up a huge amount of debt, AGAIN.

im so tired. why can't i just live, why can't i just fucking fit in, why can't i just be happy

i just want to provide for my family, yet i can't even do that right

i

im even looking into a line of work i would feel absolutely disgusted with doing cuz im literally aroace but what choice do i have, my family's on my ass about having no money cuz guess what, they spent it all and didn't save up, even used up my own fucking savings and

i can't even fucking try to run away, i've thought about it but i know i can't go through with it, they're all 60+ y/o, they need help, if i run, no one is gonna take care of em, no one's gonna help, i'll be abandoning them to die and i won't do that cuz they did fucking raise me, as best as they could even tho it's still fucking shitty considering i barely know how to take care of myself cuz they've been so occupied taking care of my other now dead family member that i was always just brushed to the side and im so fucking stressed out and i hate myself andi just wanna die but i don't but i do but i just can't i can't i can't i can' i can't i can't i can' i just fucking can't

i can't even express this irl to them cuz again, i'll be brushed off and my mom hates it when i break down cuz she doesn't know how to handle me and tells me so and i just

the place im at barely has any job openings, and im fucking stuck here and its driving me crazy and i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out please i juat wanna fucking get away and live and die and i want out god fucking damnit let me out please im so tired im so fucking tired i want out please god please im begging you god please im trying so hard but im never enough and i just want out please god please

i

im so tired.

the boss is questioning my 1 year experience, and so mad at me. for good reason, i just keep misunderstanding something i thought i understood.

i know its normal to make mistakes, but i just keep making em.

i'm so terrified. i need this job, my family is relying on me to earn money. i'm so tired.