jumping jack flash

“You have a very… vivid imagination. I guess you know what you have to do though––go find the chick. Give her shampoo and save all of her siblings from having dirty hair. You’ll be a hero to them. This should be a plot for an action movie or something.”

“yes, i tend to not be praised for it, however. find the chick? bro, i barely remember what she looked like.”

“no, not quite…, you do realize nessie is in scotland, right? and i’m from england? i mean, i have visited scotland but i’ve never seen nessie myself, though as a child i was always terrified of her. a convention? for comics? oh, neither of them sound lame, tommy. and i’m sure plenty of people visit for those reasons. no, no siblings. i always wanted one, though, but i could never decide if i would prefer a brother or a sister…, no, it definitely doesn’t mean you have ocd. you do realize my rambling thoughts don’t count as a diagnosis, right? though there might be scholarships out there for it, though i’m not sure i agree with people capitalizing on their illnesses in such a way.”

“isn’t scotland in england? wait, where’s scotland? isn’t england in europe? i thought scotland was, like, a city in england. i’m an only child too and i have never wanted siblings. people always say they get compared to their siblings which would be even worse in my opinion because my parents already don’t think i’m enough as it is. but... but, poppy, you just said i have ocd? i mean, do i have to go to the doctor for this kind of stuff or not? do i have to worry about myself? you’re just diagnosing me with an illness and making me very confused about it. why not? if you’re sick, might as well make the best out of it, poppy. use it to your advantage and stuff, you know? especially if it’s, like, a terminal disease. if the world decides to fuck with you, fuck back with it. or something like that.”

“why have you got to be such a debbie downer? people can where goggles for all i care. yeah well it was just an idea ok. if you’re not into it just say it, don’t crush my dreams.” 

“debbie downer? just because i like to be prepared? i don’t want people to bother showing up and then leave right after because the hosts are unprepared. the hosts always need to be prepared. i’m not crushing your dreams, i’m just making sure you don’t crush your own.”

“ fuck you. i am not goin’ to repeat all that. no. i don’t want your stolen shit. might as well turn yourself in now. ”

“but i didn’t even do anything.”

“Maybe so, but that is highly unlikely because I don’t think there’s a store around here that only sells shampoo– I would know. Did you ever think that she gave you all the reject shampoos? Or, like, put things in the bottles that makes your hair go away or makes it turn an awful shade of green? Think about it.”

“there could be a store that only sells shampoo. or maybe it was a store where they sold more stuff but they only had shampoo left. but why would she do that? she doesn’t even know me? and i’m nice. i’m a very nice boy and i have no enemies. why would anyone want to do such a thing to me? look at me.”

“what can i say? i have a thing for guys that can hang off buildings upside down and make out with me in the rain. besides – the girls are pretty rad on their own. oh – yeah i probably went on to long about all the logistics. it’s just i’m really nervous about it so…yeah. thanks, though. i mean, seriously don’t go fucking telling people i’m gonna be in the olympics because then people will just think i’m a joke and not good enough and stuff when i don’t make it. but i am going to nationals, so, they can all suck it. yeah – entry age is sixteen and then by the time you’re like nineteen they start thinking you’re too old to be anything but collegiate. intense, for sure. i – me and inez are best friends. we’re basically sisters – how did you not know that? anyway – don’t talk shit about her or else i’ll fuck you up. and i was really starting to like you. a little bit.” 

"ah, yes, the famous kissing scene. i can’t imagine it being very easy to be kissing a girl like that so much kudos to spidey, of course. they are pretty rad, indeed. which one’s your favorite, though? very important question. no, no, of course not. i won’t tell anyone. i don’t think people would think you’re a joke, though. i’m pretty sure most people are envious of your dedication. most people in our school are just lazy shits. me included. we’re most likely not really going anywhere with our lives whereas you most likely are. i... i wasn’t going to talk shit about her. i-i was just... i was just asking if you were still friends, that’s all. i’ll... yeah. i’ll shut up about her now. i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to offend you or her or anyone, really, i’m sorry.”

“oh sorry that wasn’t my intention. but if it’s such a blessing why are you trying to dump them on me? i think we need to find some other purposes for these shampoo bottles other than washing hair. like can we use it to wash a car, will that work? ooh i know we should have a bubble party with it. like lets just use it all at once and make beards out of bubbles and dance around in it!”

“you think people would show up? i feel like people wouldn’t really like the idea of getting shampoo in their eyes. and where would you want to hold the party anyways? you know, there’s a lot of stuff you have to think about first before you actually come up with cool ideas like that, erin.”

“yeah, we, uh, well, we’ve never been all that well off financially, you know. it’s not the most frightening thing i’ve had to face…, oh, well we have family back in england but i, uh, i couldn’t really stay with them. i wouldn’t have wanted my parents to be all alone here. oh, um, everyone but me, i guess. well, they consider hoarding to be a mild form of ocd, as the disorder has more to do with compulsions than anything else. it’s the compulsion to keep things, you see. wow, i’m actually quite impressed. i didn’t think our politicians garnered much attention here in the states.”

“not the most frightening thing? don’t tell me you’ve seen the loch ness monster. see, that was always one of my biggest reasons why i wanted to visit the united kingdom — to see the loch ness monster. and also to visit this really cool convention but i don’t know which one sounds less lame. that’s very thoughtful of you, actually. do you not have any siblings then? so, this means i have ocd, then? or, like, a mild form? is that a big problem? do they give full scholarships to kids with ocd? like, some kind of charity or something? i mean, since i’m now diagnosed with this illness i might as well benefit from it, you know?”

“Then why did she have so much shampoo to spare? You think she might’ve stolen it? Either way, I’d love to take some shampoo from you. I love coconut scented ones!”

“maybe she ran a shampoo store and it got bankrupt? so she saved the shampoos that were still saveable, and gave them to the nicest young man she could find that day. me. tommy wingrove. nice young man.”

“ impressive wingrove, you managed to through that whole – whatever that was – without a single stutter.  did you even consider the fuckin’ possibility she stole them? grabbed the box, ran, realized her mistake of takin’ so fuckin’ much, and then dumped it on your naive self.  now i bet your northaven’s most wanted – every cop must be chokin’ down their donuts while looking for that box of shampoo. and have you seen your hair lately? do you really need conditioner? you should be glad you don’t have to stock up on both. but, besides – your biggest concern now should be how the hell you’re goin’ to explain this to the cops because they’re not gonna buy that ‘random girl’ story. and no, i don’t want the box of your stolen shampoos. do you know how much shit i’d get for landin’ my ass in jail for shampoo? i wish she handed you stolen explosives – that would be fuckin’ better. ”

“right. so do you need some shampoo or not?”

“hmm see she was really being thoughtful then. like have any of your friends been honest enough to say that? ten shampoo bottles?! this is becoming more and more bazaar by the second. like woah she must think your hair is real nasty.” 

“instead of seeing it as a blessing you’re making it out to be just a sheer fucking insult. why can’t i just be that boy that got blessed with a box full of free shampoos instead of the boy with dirty hair?”

“A not-so-subtle hint to tell you that you need to wash your hair? Could be. Who would waste all that energy on stealing and just end up with some stupid shampoo bottles? Seems like it would be better used on things that you could sell back for more profit or something. Coconut? Shit… yeah, I’ll take one.”

“well, i don’t know, man. everybody’s got a story, you know? maybe her story is that her dad refuses to buy his kids shampoo or something so she, being the oldest of all her siblings, decided to finally after all these years steal shampoo for her and her siblings. but then, the cops caught her and now they’re looking for that one box she she has to get rid of it. and i obviously look innocent. i mean, do i look like a guy that would steal shampoo? no. i obviously don’t. so, she chose me. and now my mission is to find her again and give her shampoo. shampoo that isn’t stolen. so she can provide for her and her siblings.”

“yeah, a bit. i don’t know, i suppose i just find british accents comforting, kind of like home. why did we move? oh, uhm, my, uh, my dad got a job offer and we, uh, well, we weren’t really in a position to turn it down…, but yeah, i do miss it quite a bit. i do share things with you! i just told you i sleep with stuffed animals as well, and that my cats chew them up. i do trust you, don’t ever think that i don’t, i just, uh, don’t have much to share. i’m basically an open book. you mean hoarding disorder? i’m not quite sure you truly have that, tommy; it’s probably just a mild form of ocd. oh, you’re going to be british for a day? brilliant! i’d say yes to all of that, but i highly doubt you know anything about british politics — do you even know who the current prime minister is?”

“not in a position to turn it down? i mean, moving all the way to america must’ve been scary. couldn’t you stay with, like, your family or something? an aunt that would gladly take you in until you find your own place? n-not that we don’t want you here but, you know, it seems more reasonable. i can’t imagine how hard it must have been to just leave everything behind like that. oh come on, i don’t believe that. everyone has stuff to share, even you. but hey, no pressure. ocd? isn’t that something else, though? i thought that was, like, wanting to have everything clean and organized all the time. that’s like the opposite of my problem. sort of. sure i know who the prime minister is! cameron david!”

“Maybe she was being nice and wanted to share her life supply of shampoo, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Shampoo’s great and I’d love to take some from you, but it just depends on what kind it is because there are some shampoos that make my hair all tangled. It’s super important, you know. Gotta keep your hair clean and healthy.”

“she didn’t seem very friendly when she shoved the box in my hands. it’s, uh... i don’t know what kind it is but it smells like coconut?”