♚ : for a confessing voicemail
“hi. okay, you’re not picking up. that’s totally cool. in fact, that’s kind of a relief. anyways, uh… you know your cat oliver? i know he’s been missing for a while now but, uh… well, i have him. so you can stop worrying and stop frantically hanging flyers everywhere. so, anyways… if you want him — call me back. oh, also, if you’re interested in getting him back alive — save yourself the trouble and don’t call me back. alright. enjoy your day, pops. popsie. popser.”
☆ : for a drunken voicemail
“first of all… you are not picking up. this is making me angry and i will guaranteed give you shit for it tomorrow at school. i heard you went to the principal again today and i’m not sure how many times i have to remind you that he doesn’t care about me stealing your lunch, popser. anyways! matty and i are coming over to your house in about… hold on, what time is it? in about eight minutes, maybe longer. depends on how many times matty decides to stop to throw up. we have found a little playmate for you at the bar because matty here told me you were a virgin. surprise! alright, so, i hope your doorbell works. and we didn’t bring condoms so i hope you have one of those as well. see you in a bit, bestie.”