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Headspace help

System mapping help

Co-con is when multiple alters are aware of what’s going on/watching what’s going on at a time. They may not be aware of each other and may not have control over the body. 

Being able to hear an alter internally is just a form of communication. 

Fragments are missing most of the core parts of identity and aren’t distinct. “The inner child” is an example of a fragment, they’re pretty common in trauma therapy. 

Fragments are missing most of: name, age, identity separate from the core, interests, history, memories, unique/multiple moods, etc. 

This is pretty normal! 

You wouldn’t expect your boyfriend’s entire family to love you right away, nor would you expect to have the same relationship with all of them. Similarly, it’s not realistic to expect an entire system to have the same dating relationship with you! And that’s okay and normal, it shouldn’t drive you guys apart. 

With his consent and help, start by learning about each of these alters. Interacting with each of them when they front, or sending things to your boyfriend to show them, can help you build an individual relationship with them. Learning about the system will be your best step to building these relationships! Again, I wouldn’t worry about it too much- this is normal and it’ll take a little bit of time. 

- If one alter knows about a trauma and another alter doesn’t, do not tell them about the trauma. Ever. There’s a reason they don’t remember.

- If you’re close with an alter and they suddenly stop fronting for a while, understand that it’s likely not your fault. Even if they want to front, sometimes they just can’t.

- If you hurt a little in any way at all, expect a protector to come and promptly get angry. They can’t help it, it’s their job.

- LITTLES ARE CHILDREN

- If you wouldn’t do/say something to an actual child don’t do it to a little

- Understand that not all alters will have the same feelings for you

1) How many system members are there?

2) Youngest member? Oldest?

3) Any friendships within the system?

4) Any relationships within the system?

5) Does your system have a name?

6) Any fictives or factives in the system?

7) What does the headspace/inner world look like? Is it just one building/area, several, or more?

8) Do members have separate rooms/areas? Does anyone share a room?

9) Any unused rooms/areas?

10) Unexplored rooms/areas?

11) Who likes/dislikes being in the headspace/inner world?

12) Any members who never leave the headspace/inner world?

13) What do members do in the headspace?

14) Is anyone religious? What are their religions?

15) Who cofronts the most often (what group/pair)?

16) Are there any otherkin in the system?

17) What is something that system members have very different opinions on?

18) Does anyone talk with a different voice in the outer world? In the inner world?

19) Favourite part of the inner world/headspace?

20) Least favourite part of the inner world/headspace?

Validation: it’s ok that I hurt and want to feel better

Reassurance: I can handle this pain even though it hurts 

headache

pressure inside the head

stiff neck - (usually not as intense as with memory retrieval)

pressure at the base of the head - (less intense than with memory retrieval)

pupil dilation

pressure behind the eyes

blurry vision - (clears, then becomes blurry)

eyes become - (watery or glassy, glazed in appearance), (eyes can also appear reddened without memory retrieval. Reddened eyes without memory symptoms means that a part is functioning that has repressed materials attached to it.)

eyes more sensitive to light

lightheadedness or dizziness

chills

ears ring

emotionally feeling more child-like

mood swing - a change in mood

thought pattern change - thoughts change about same subject and your response changes with it

feelings and emotions change - change about same situation

objects and people look different - dimensions are off, colors can look brighter or dimmer

body looks and feels detached

face looks and feels detached

face looks different in the mirror

laughter changes - different laughs, subtle different to flagrant

light in a room changes to suddenly brighter or dimmer

fainting feelings - physically like you might lose consciousness

inability to concentrate and think clearly

urgency to “do something”

thoughts become louder

Physical energy drain

Mental energy drain

Twitching

Spaceyness

But it might be less common in other systems. These are the ones we experienxe along with headaches and image distortion at least

Communication with your system and your/your alter’s partner(s) is really important. This means being clear about who’s seeing who (if alters are dating different people, including in system relationships) so your partner knows what they can expect. It’s being clear to your partner that, by dating you, they won’t always have you around. Sometimes someone else will be upfront! 

It’s also being clear that awkward things are going to happen as a result of being a system. Like accidentally kissing the wrong alter before they had a chance to tell you it was them. Or a little getting triggered during an intimate encounter. You saying one thing and your legs doing another thing cause another alter has control of your legs at the moment haha. 

Setting boundaries with your system is important too. I’m currently the only one in an out-of-system relationship, but if one of us falls for someone, there are some ground rules. Maybe these can help you all to know! 

During sexual intimacy: all alters must either use adequate protection or their partner needs to have a full STD panel/no risk

If an alter has a crush: They’ve gotta share it with us when they’re ready and before making a move on their crush. This way, I can communicate to my girlfriend that an alter is falling for someone and we can start to discuss how it may impact our relationship. 

We all agree that we’re allowed to pursue our own love lives, so long as we’re open about it and our intentions and the person isn’t abusive/unhealthy (like actively seeking out someone abusive, not accidentally situations that happen obviously). 

We have to share time: If in the future more than one of us is in a physical relationship, we have to all be willing to (as equally as possible) share the amount of time we spend with our respective partners. My girlfriend knows that she may have to share this time with someone else another alter likes, since communication is really good in our relationship! Definitely talk about these possibilities from the get go. 

Although this is something we’re all encouraged to avoid, if an alter gets swept up in a moment and has a safe but intimate encounter (without the system knowing beforehand) they have to tell us all at their earliest ability. That way I, for instance, could tell me girlfriend and she’s clear that was another alter, not me, for instance and that alter (if needed) could apologize to anyone hurt by the sudden unexpected action. Freedom is allowed in this way, though, so if another alter had an unexpected encounter with someone we know that’s okay to have happen–just very preferred to talk about it first. 

We’re allowed to share the same partner. If two of us want to be intimate with or date the same person, and the person is okay with it, that’s cool with us! Like one of my alters might be friends with benefits with my girlfriend (hypothetically) in the future and that’s an agreed upon okay thing for us. 

I’d also encourage your alters to get to know your partner. Look for a partner who’s accepting and open to this too! With DID (and any mental illness tbh) respect of your disorder is so essential to having a healthy and happy relationship with another person. 

1. You can’t change what happened as yesterday is gone - but you can make some choices so the future turns out better.

2. We all have regrets – it is part of being human. There’s no-one who is perfect, or who does things perfectly.

3. See it as a life lesson, and something you can learn from. Good can come from your regrets if you’ll let them change your ways.

4. See yourself as a new person … As a person you believe in …. As someone you are proud of, and as someone who you like.

5. Practise self-compassion and give yourself a break. You still deserve to be loved … it doesn’t matter what you’ve done.

You may be dissociating if you:

find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything

feel completely numb

feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie.

feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy

lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on

feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream

feel like you’re floating 

suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you

feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you

are very startled when someone/something gets your attention

completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago

suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason

can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live

find yourself rocking back and forth

become very focused on a small or trivial object or event

find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them.

feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it.

perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you

u have no idea what that person is looking at it may very well be their dissertation, the last letter they got from their grandma, or a book that’s too big to carry. who care that they wanna look at insta more than at u

people used to be bored/self-isolating in public w/newspapers + books don’t act like we were all chatty + friendly before the internet

ppl w/anxiety find it comforting and this generation has the highest rate of anxiety on record

on that note, phones are transitional objects, which means that they function as a comfort device (a piece of “home” in an unfamiliar place)

“maybe we can talk about how with the internet there are more diagnoses of adhd now, and how the internet is rewiring our brains…”

“medicating childhood: the hoax of adhd”

adhd is a neurodevelopmental disorder, and develops around 12 years old. given that, and how many diagnosed adhd adults there are, including elders, this is something that predates the internet

adhd is genetic, so despite an attention given from parent to child, it’s incredibly likely that at least one of the parents or other relatives also has adhd

oh yes, and let’s not forget the myth that adhd symptoms are synonymous with child behavior. but adhd isn’t just hyperactivity - in fact, hyperactivity doesn’t always present itself. in addition to hyperactivity, other symptoms include:

echolalia

poor memory

racing/scattered thoughts

slowed social development (around 30%)

difficulty understanding tasks/organizing them into steps

struggles understanding time management

impulsive acts (impulsive spending is a major issue with many of us)

difficulty managing emotions, especially anger

easily bored (and boredom leads to greater frustration than others)

TROUBLE SLEEPING. many adhd people spend their entire lives not getting good sleep because of the constant “noise” in their heads. see the scattered thoughts. basically, the thoughts are always going. there is no shut off switch. insomnia is largely prevalent with adhd

losing details (like getting poor grades because you missed the fine print on a test even with knowing the material)

struggles with listening comprehension (words sound like nonsense)

struggles with reading comprehension (words look like nonsense)

memorization issues - a child skilled in math will have trouble with multiplication tables, for example

has trouble “waiting their turn” in conversation - frequently interrupts without realizing

hyperfocus - an often overlooked aspect, when one focuses to the exception of all other external stimuli, including needing to eat, sleep, etc. time almost ceases to exist

not a symptom, but adhd - especially adult adhd - is highly comorbid with anxiety disorders and depression later in life. this is because a person with adhd is working their heart out to achieve the same standards, contrary to the believe that they’re “lazy.” as you can see above, almost every aspect of daily life is impacted - social, work, school, family, money… and this can lead to a feeling of being unable to cope.

despite all that, people with adhd are also:

more solution-oriented

more resilient

more expressive

more curious

and better at multitasking - not just because of having to learn how to manage the other symptoms, but these are, in fact, also symptoms. you can imagine how useful hyperfocus can be as well.