The traits your alters have are not randomly assigned or drawn out of a hat.

Even self-chosen traits have reasons behind them. We aren’t just rolling dice to decide who we are. 

Fears and phobias didn’t come from thin air and persecutors aren’t being harmful because they are inherently evil. 

Just like every person is shaped by their life experience, every system is shaped by their life experience. 

Understanding why your system is the way it is can help all of you have more compassion for each other. 

Without understanding we tend to see people’s behavior as just a function of who they are and be less forgiving when they make mistakes. E.g. “Well they are just evil. That’s what they do. They’re always hurting people. I can’t forgive them. ” 

With understanding we tend to see people’s behavior as a function of circumstances and we tend to be more forgiving and understanding when they make mistakes. E.g. “I can see how that situation triggered their protective instincts and caused them to lash out. The way they handled it wasn’t okay, but they were reacting from a place of trauma and I will be patient with them while they work on this.” 

It is okay to not know why your system is the way that it is. 

It’s okay to not know why a persecutor is so angry, or why each alter formed. 

It’s okay to feel that your system isn’t ready to start exploring these things. 

Being dissociated means that many of these things are hidden from you, and maybe they are hidden from you for good reason. It could take years for you to feel okay about exploring these things and you will probably need a therapist to guide you through it. 

It’s okay to not know. 

But I don’t think it’s okay to say that it’s just random and that there is no meaning. 

when my cat got deadly sick she refused to eat a single thing and it had been days but when i started crying she ate just a little bit, and upon seeing how happy it made me, kept doing it whenever she could.

now whenever im sad or crying she finds wherever i am with a mouthful of food and eats the pieces one by one, every time looking up at me making sure i was watching her eat it all because she knew it made me happy. and it DOES make me happy

Paranoid at night?

Here are coping skills I’ve found

Play a TV or a YouTube video on your phone. Background noise of people talking helps. I listen to Good Mythical Morning.

I know you may love horror shows, but it isn’t worth it.

Have a friend? Call them. Stay on the phone overnight. Mobile sleepover.

Or legit sleepover.

Dark bother you? Live near city lights? Put some closed blinds on your window and leave the curtains partially open. Enough light may filter in to look like dawn.

It’s okay to leave the lights on sometimes.

Pets help. Not a dog if you can’t leave your house at night.

It’s totally okay to check closets, under the bed, behind the shower curtain, etc. If it helps, do it.

!!!See-through shower curtains!!!

The moment I was diagnosed, my credibility was shot, every time I expressed any emotion in the hospital my bodily autonomy was violated with tranquilizers, restraints, solitary confinement, and physical assault (that’s how I find out that hospitals have cops, and cops are cool with hurting anorexic teenagers 🙃).