the warmest spring

I’ve met my boyfriend at his job (he works at a bookstore) around the second semester of last year and, since he is a very social person, we hit it off quite well. Now, I don’t think I have much to share when it comes to this part because I don’t know at all how or when there was a sign that something more than friendship was going to spark. I remember wanting to be his friend and thinking about asking for his number with platonic intentions in mind (since I thought he was gay because I’ve never met such a polite straight man before), but I ended up giving up on it because I didn’t knew how to categorize our relationship.

You see, being autistic, is very hard for me to categorize relationships and decode people’s intentions. So I had no clue if, after a few months, we simply had a close relationship as seller and client, or if we could be considered friends. At this point, after burning a lot of braincells thinking about it, I've decided to give up on trying to ask for his number as I was scared that I’ve read the situation wrongly and could make him uncomfortable.

And then one day he simply asked for my number.

And mind you, I still thought he was gay.

Either way, fast foward we go on a few dates and let me tell you, dates can be very fun and not nerve wrecking at all!!! I don’t know if it was because I didn’t go with much expectation about it, if I already kinda knew what to expect out of the experience or because of the person I went on a date with but every single time we went out together I had a great time and felt incredibly comfortable.

A thing I find important to share is that, in my country, is basically a non-speakable rule that you’re going to kiss on the first date and it’s very rare that you don’t, so I went on the first date already having "accepted" that fact (even though I wasn’t too comfortable with it because I’m probably not that good of a kisser, having only kissed 1 other person before). However, we went not only on 1 date without kissing, but 2!!! AND THEY WERE GREAT DATES!!!

By the 3rd date I already felt so comfortable around him that I was okay when he tried to touch me, in fact, I actively wanted us to kiss. And so it happened. And it didn’t felt uncomfortable at all. I don’t know if the kiss was any good, but considering that we’re dating now, I don’t think it was that bad.

(By the way, I made it clear by our first date that I was autistic. He doesn’t know much about it but it doesn’t bother me since he’s very willing to learn. Still, I haven’t told him yet that he’s my first boyfriend. Oopsie.)

Fast foward a little more, we naturally started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend (but given my understanding of non verbal cues I had to ask him “hey, I was talking with someone I know and refered to you as my boyfriend, is that okay with you? I don’t want to do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable” (credits to my amazing friend Nath that used this line on my other friend End, who’s her partner, in order to know if they were dating). And to be honest it’s been a very interesting experience given the fact that I’m exploring romantic relationships for the first time ever as a 25 y/o woman. Everything still feels a bit weird to me, the fact that someone likes me in that way, the fact that I like someone and it is reciprocate… I haven't had many big struggles til now, only the ones related to him being a new person to me and that I’m still getting used to knowing him (since we know each other for less than 6 months), so I still am not too familiar with his behavioural patterns. Which means that I don’t know a lot about what he likes or doesn’t like in a relationship.

That being said, the only tip I can give and will be living by for now is: if you don’t know, ask. That’s what I’ll do with some stuff that’s making me itch a bit inside.

When I read or hear about other people's experiences taking antidepressants, their positive descriptions are usually extremely positive, like something shifted in their mind and they finally feel at peace with themselves, like they finally have the energy and motivation to actually do stuff. For me, it feels a bit bittersweet. I'm still in the first few weeks of the treatment so my body is still adapting, probably next month me and my psychiatrist will see if we need to change either the dose or the medication to have better results.

For the past 24 years (my entire life), melancholy was my default emotion, to the point where, at times it didn't felt completely negative, but more like a very close friendship. The first actual book I've read as a kid was the "A Series of Unafortunate Events" at the age 10 and, even though the story if full of disgraces and not a single happy moment, it felt weirdly comforting to me. My whole life I've been using dissociation and fantasizing about stories and different worlds in order to cope with reality. As a consequence, very rarely I felt bored because if for any reason I had nothing to do, I could just switch to being inside of my own head and continue the fantastical narratives I've been creating and farming for myself.

I was always a bit detached from the world. Whenever I had a pausing moment, whether in class, in between interactions (or even during them!), during car rides, at home... you name it; I was always half living the moment and half inside my own mind.

However now that I'm feeling fully awake at all times, I've found myself bored way more often. It started to feel unnatural to shift inside my imagination during the day (and night). I wouldn't exactly say my creativity is gone, I still have ideas and am able to put them into paper, but completely shutting myself into them and getting the same intense feeling of being engolfed, being swallowed and fully experiecing those narratives inside my head is much weaker now. Is that how people usually live?

It feels weird. Now I think I understand why people seek out social interactions so much. Cause if that's how they experience the world, then they get bored a lot more often than I initially thought. They too seek emotions and narratives for themselves, but in a very different way than I used to. For the longest time I could have those by simply shutting myself into my own thoughts. It's much harder to get them this way right now, but I'm still seeking it.

RESOURCES:

Have an identification card with important information about you in hand in case you get overwhelmed or struggle in any way, so that people around you can help you better. Here in Brazil each state has what we call the "Identification Card for Disabled People", which is a document validated by your local government that you can use for those means or to have easier access to some of your rights, such as priority seats in public transportation (or even cheaper traveling fees), priority in lines and services in general, etc. I have mine attached to my autism lanyard around my neck or in my pocket, depending if I'm alone or with a friend.

In case the place you live doesn't have something similar you can make one yourself to help with communication stuff, mine has the following info: my full name, my ID number (here in Brazil we use ours a lot, it's kinda a "public" info), my blood type, an emergency contact (since I'm pretty verbal myself, don't have a caretaker and don't have any allergies or major health issues - like fainting conditions, etc - I put my own phone number. Plus, I always make sure to have my phone charged at all times and have my family's numbers memorized so in case I need it, I can dial them myself), my CID/ diagnosis, my birth date and address.

For the majority of the trip I only needed to use mine for public transportation stuff but in my flight back home some things happened that made me completely emotionally disregulated. I didn't have my friend around anymore when it happened but was still able to communicate my general needs, however, because I was crying and trying hard to think and talk properly, I was too overwhelmed to spell my last name (the spelling is a bit tricky) for the airport staff when she asked me for a protocol she had to fill, so I showed her my card and it helped a lot with her getting the infos she needed.

Have stim toys, earplugs and communication tools in hand. I didn't really needed to use my earplugs during the trip, but I had a plushie and crochet tools I use for self-regulation and grounding in my bag at all times. I planned on buying a smaller stim toy that could fit in a single hand beforehand but wasn't able to, and since I had left my plushie in my bag under the chair during the flight, I had to wait for the plane to fully take-off in order to grab it safely, which wasn't a fun waiting period since I was already on the verge of a meltdown. So yeah, try to bring more than 1 stim toy and specially ones that have practical sizes.

Since I'm rather able to communicate even when overwhelmed, I don't really use too many communication tools for now. But I know that online you can find tons of communication boards to either print or make your own with basic words and sentences that can be useful, I highly recommend carrying one around if you're slightly prone to have a hard time with verbal communication during stressful times. You can also download similar apps on your phone but I still recommend having a physical copy around just in case.

Maps and basic knowledge of places and/or public transportation. This one helped me SO MUCH. Because my friend still had to go to work some days during the time I was there, she made sure to ALWAYS teach me about important places, the path I could take to get to her home and workplace, how to take the subway, which buses to take if I had to meet her, etc. In the beginning it was a bit too much to memorize, but she took the time to explain it very simply and objectively to me so I could write/ draw all the information I needed in a piece of paper to carry in my pocket or my notes app.

In the last few days I spent there, after I already had a good grasp of how everything worked, I had to tourist by myself while she worked (she also asked her boss if I could stay with her during her working hours in case I didn't felt safe enough exploring the place by myself) so she dropped me in a place near her work with tons of things to do and told me which subway I had to take in order to meet her (and assured me I could call an uber if it felt too much). During that day, Google Maps became my best friend. My friend sent me a list of places nearby I could visit and every time I would leave one place to walk towards the next one, I would open the maps to check which direction I should go (since I have a very poor sense of direction), all of the places were around the same city block so thankfully I didn't have to take many confusing paths or walk too much to get to them.

PLANNING AND SCHEDULING:

Me and my friend made a schedule of everything we wanted to do and during which part of the day weeks in advance. Since she would be working some of the days, we putted her working hours there and researched places nearby that I could hang out in while waiting for her. I stayed there for only 4 full days, so we already knew that we weren't going to have time to do everything we wanted, so, knowing very well that unforeseen events happen, we also made sure to understand that our schedule could change at any moment and wrote down in our chat a list of other stuff we wanted to do in case the opportunity came up, so we could change our plans and do them instead.

Every night and every morning we would check in with each other what our plans for the following day were, check how much time we wanted to spend in each place, where we were going to eat (since I have some food restrictions due to texture, we would also check the menus online before going) and how we would get from one place to the other. It helped me tons on not feeling anxious, to have some knowledge about the place and its sorroundings if anything happened and to organize / better prepare my brain when changing between activities.

Even though I was there to tourist and do something different everyday, a thing that helped us both feel less stressed (my friend is neurotypical, but being both in vacation mode and working mode in the same week while planning stuff a very tiring task too) is to have some sort of routine we could rely on. For example, we would wake up earlier than needed and have a proper breakfast before leaving the house (my friend doesn't usually eats breakfast but this time it helped her prepare for the day), we would always have 3 meals a day and an estimated time to arrive home (the time estimated was pretty flexible, but it helped a lot with feeling less tired after, since she had to work in the morning the following day and the subway/ buses don't work fully during nighttime).

Since I also tend to have low sugar/ low blood pressure, one thing I do even when I'm at my own state is to carry some snack and a bottle of water in my bag if I'm going to spend an extended period of time away from home in case I feel weak or sick. I kept the same habit there for precaution, we had to walk A LOT between places so, even if I struggled with identifying if I was hungry, getting weak or too tired, it helped me not pushing myself too much and to always have an "energy booster" in between meals.

Airports are hell. For neurotypical people but specially for neurodivergent people. Honestly it was the part that made me the most anxious throughout this entire trip. One thing I did was to write down every step I had to take while I was there: first check-in (I did it online both times, so it wasn't really needed), then send-off my lugagge, then check which gate my flight was at, then go through the metal detector, then walk to my designated gate, have my documents and flight code in hand for the staff to see, stand in line when they call my group, go inside the plane, organize my bags; then, on the way back: get off the place, pick up my lugagge, walk to the exit gate where I would meet someone (either my parents of my friend) already waiting for me.

When leaving, my parents took me to the airport and helped me getting into the places I needed and when coming back, I asked my friend to do the same, so I always had someone helping me localize myself in amidst of the chaos until the last minute. Still, on my flight back I almost had a meltdown because my crochet hooks where confiscated and, because of my shock (since I had no problem with them on my 1st flight) and sadness for losing them, I ended up forgetting my watch in the metal detector section and had to comeback after already having left it behind in order to retrieve it. It didn't help that each airport was so different from each other and therefore, I was very confused on where I should go. Having talked to friends prior to embarking on how each airport was like helped me make through this stressful time.

Those are some of the things I realized helped me feel less stressed, not have any meltdowns/ shutdowns and feel more energized so I could enjoy my trip more. Since everyone is different and needs different types of support, you might need different things, but I hope this list has helped in any way to explore some of the options and adaptations you can have around. Also, I cannot stress this enough, but PLEASE research or talk to people about the place you're going in order to know about how safe it is and to take the necessary care. The place I went was generally safer than the place I currently live in (lots of people, less chance of getting mugged, people using their phones outside without much worry) but I was still aware at all times since I could be perceived as "more vulnerable" and could easily ignore some warning signs of my sorroundings.