Sleepy creator and worry-er

“Hungry artist”, Diptych, 23 Nov 2016

Hoodie (men's sportswear): 5 yrs old

White cotton T-shirt (men's sportswear): 8 yrs old

Diesel trousers (men’s, bought on sale): 8 yrs old

Espadrilles (men's, ASOS, bought on sale): 6 yrs old

I do not to buy clothes, except for when I desperately need to, still I have so many there is not enough time to wear them. I rarely give away anything because I wear things to the point of them falling apart, then I repair it and wear again till I can't anymore or till I get the courage to throw it away (recycle). Recycling is not going to help though if you're buying tons of unnecessary shit that you do not need. Reduce is the biggest of 3 "R"-s in our effort to cease the speed at which we are dragging everything around us to hell. =) <3 <3 <3

The Hoodie was really cheap. It pilled even before the first wash, and never changed after that, neither after 5 washes nor after 20. Just stayed the same PU pilled on the sides hoodie.

T-shirt, being made of really good quality cotton almost never changed through the course of its life, except for it became softer and collar have stretched a tiny bit (which would be easy to prevent by never washing/twisting it by hand and also by flattening it before it dries)

Trousers were too big for me from the beginning, so no matter wether I lose or gain some weight, they still fit, and they’re in perfect condition, almost never changed (considering I had a “swim” in the muddy Moscow river the first year following the purchase lol)

Espadrilles have been worn a lot, both outdoors and indoors. I found this is the best pair of footwear I could dream of: comfortable, beautiful,  100% biodegradable, 100% vegan (I suppose!!) [I understand now that workers were definitely exploited, otherwise the price couldn’t be so low, but thats the lesson for me to always pay attention to the brand’s practices]. They were torn apart 2 years ago, but I decided to keep them, now they’re completely wasted, cause I have never repaired them, but I think I will soon. The sole is completely intact, so maybe I’ll wear them another couple years(?) Who knows? =))

Every purchase you make, changes our habitat: pollutes and destroys the environment, exhausts and exploits natural resources that we already don’t have enough of. In the end, the less demand for new resources we create, the better. If you really need to buy something new, consider supporting local craftsmen, sustainable and responsible small businesses.

So you know, how we live in a world where its great to be any of the following: male/white/straight/NOT immigrant. I know that too. Also this system runs on a myth of a self-made genius and would dismiss anybody who has not succeed (in being any of the mentioned above), how it tells you to have a certificate even if you don't feel you need to or just makes it impossible for you to get one.

I am very positive in my attitude and always believe in luck, great outcomes, and that you just want to try hard enough and you’ll get everything. Apparently, there are things that you can't ever change no matter how you try, and they're: your gender, your sexuality and your citizenship {well, this one is doable, but you know its not that you're being asked which country you want to be born into?}

My goal in life as a fashion designer is to make fashion as inclusive as possible and to do everything I can and more, to change the industry. Sometimes it means that I have to know all the nuts and bolts of it, so I could know exactly how to deal with it. So happened, we don't have nor fashion industry, nor education in my home country, hence have been working all those years on my own, but as soon as I got a chance to try and get my degree in Europe, I decided to try, with my attitude saying “everything is doable” and “you’ll make it!” 

So I have been trying to get into fashion institute lately to break industry from the inside out. It was a pretty challenging journey for me as an immigrant, not speaking local language and as a gay woman navigating through the imperialist patriarchal state.

I had a pretty appalling experience at the interview, but nothing actually indicated that there is anything wrong with my works, until I got my assessment by mail. I did not have any problem with the mark I received, as I perfectly understand that the system is in place and it is designed the certain way and I am not disappointed to be insufficiently evaluated by it, but whats angered me was the pure lie I’ve read in my letter: they’ve claimed to asses qualities I was never asked to showcase and ignored all I actually had to say as if there never were any conversation held.

It is still ongoing process, but I decided to share one of my letters to the institute, that just gives an overall image of what it means to be a triple minority {without even being a racial or religious minority!} in the Netherlands these days.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hello, Mary! Thank you for your respond. {name is changed}

I Totally understand that discussing taste is not something worth spending time on. My main concern besides the fact that the interview itself was arranged in a way that was not beneficial for me as an applicant (An hour later than initially stated, I was not informed about time limit for an interview etc), is the points that were sent to me in assessment letter are, for a lack of a better word, a lie.

I have spent a significant part of an interview talking about my social goals which are a major part of my identity and research, yet statement says I have showed "Limited cultural and/or social interests". As if I didn't mention that OR was asked any questions about it. The only question about culture/interests I got was "whats your favorite painter". I answered that question and said why.

The next one says "Showed a limited feeling and knowledge of fashion world". Now lets assume it were true. You're interviewing a person who is aspired to study fashion design and you penalize them for not having enough knowledge about it. How is it consistent - I don't understand.

Assumptions aside, my knowledge and understanding of fashion industry and a burden it became for a whole world is one of the biggest reasons I am here and my goal to completely change it keeps me going. I have talked about it on the interview a lot. I do not know why is it necessary to forge an assessment form when your team could've just said "we don't like her attitude" and give me zero points for not conforming. Instead of that somebody decided that concocting false statements on my assessment form was the right way to do it.

I could go on and on how I multiple times tried to discover what exactly you wanted to see in my assignment, how the only respond to my question "what did you mean by saying this" (because assignment was written in English, but in such a way that not a single native English speaker I've asked could understand what's going on) I got was "you can drop this". Why to write an assignment in such a way that half of it may be dropped in the first place?

Why just not to say we are not keen on accepting women/gays/immigrants? Why to pretend there is something wrong or inefficient with my understanding of fashion or my social goals?

My assignment was based on traditional embroidery of my country, Yet there is limited "social/cultural interests". At the same time, it is "not contemporary enough"? Are my shoulder pads not that square for my designs to qualify as "fashion"?

Fashion is different and multi-faceted, yet I am judged by an old male dressed in a striped old-fashioned shirt, who is as far from fashion, as my home country is from democracy, and told that I have to "open my eyes to what's happening in the fashion world". All this seems so surreal.

I AM happening in the fashion world.

As a creator the only two things that have to matter to me is sustainability and my ideas. I am not here to steal other people's ideas, I am not here to follow trends, I am not here to be dismissed by an old white patriarch. I am here to learn how to make better clothes, how to build more sustainable, fair and inclusive business, how to create and inspire others to create. I am not here to conform and if that's what is not acceptable in your university, I would understand if you said so beforehand. Still, I prefer honesty.

If my fashion skills are "not enough", would not it make sense that I am trying to get into university to make them stronger? Or is AMFI not created to develop my fashion skills? Where was my mistake? Who is it for then? For people who know everything about fashion, able to design the best clothes and are totally agree with your policies on every aspect? Why do they apply to the school then? What is the reason?

I understand, that talking on the phone is probably much easier, but seeing where I've got with unrecorded and undocumented conversations with your team, I would refrain from any type of unwritten communication.

Considering all I have said in this message and my previous e-mail request, I would still love to know, how I can appeal and change my forged score for a real one, unless of course there is an intention of not letting me to do so [in time], in which case I will have to find the way to address it to the higher authorities. {you’re probably laughing at this one, but one must always keep fighting}

Thank you very much for your time!

Dear EF, I struggle to see, how demanding to be treated by one as one wants to be treated may come as entitlement. How demand not to be treated as a hole to cum into is Entitlement. Just can't see it. I am totally in support of questioning things, especially our own actions, but I hate it when a victim is pressured into thinking that demanding justice is unethical of them. Questioning means digging deeper in understanding of issue, checking it from different angles, not necessary discovering a discreet dichotomy nobody was aware of. Judging symmetry of actions, demands and desires by simply comparing superficial manifestations of them is not by any means deep or just. The dialog about demanding an orgasm is not the same as demanding an oral. For the simple reason that first one implies willingness to work towards your partner's satisfaction, the satisfaction your partner provides you with, and the other one looks more like "eye for an eye" principle, that doesn't make any sense [in the context of heterosexual relationship] where there is no "you fuck me, I fuck you" where partners have different genitals and may not be both fond of penetration, hence asking a "head for head" is just being a cranky child that is begging for a toy just because their friend has it. The  point is: human bodies are different and they work differently therefore in establishing healthy [sexual] relationship one needs to aim towards getting equal aspiration in their partner, not policing them for not copying your own actions. Women SHOULD demand an orgasm. I get mine, like, always (with exceptions), but I am not in a heterosexual relationship either. As crazy as it may sound for some that I, as a lesbian, must struggle through homophobia and sexism whole my life, for me, politely and calmly talking each and every partner of mine into wanting to make me orgasm while trying not to be offensive (rly? like, what is more offensive than not caring about your partner's orgasm?) seems like a nightmare without an end. Feminists teaching other girls speak up in the certain way rather than call things for what they are is more like silencing those who dared to raise a point.

PS. Disgust does go away with time, education and/or desire to not be disgusted. Starting with french cheese, olives, sushi, up to sucking out poison from the bite or cutting an abscess open to save a living creature. Don't tell me, please, that caring partner would deny you sex (and opportunity of having best orgasms ever) just because he is grown to accept disgust of a woman's body and not ready to let it go. He would not stop being disgusted because he is pretty comfortable in that and doesn't think you worth it. Now tell me more about entitlement.

I had a weird dream today where I was invited to a secret party of sort where other participants only brought me to show that my voice doesn't matter. they said I must vote for a candidate I believe is the best, they said "you'll see they're all alike, there is no difference" I was appalled by their arrogance and was pretty sad hearing all of that and I've tried to hold onto my believe and I believed I know the right candidate but I could not see him. Then I saw a person who looked a lot like Bernie, but before making my choice, I asked the guy, what his name was, and turned out it was a doppelgänger to confuse me, so I declared I can't see my candidate (which was probably put in the shade so I won see him) and shouted Bernie I am voting for you I believe in you and then I woke up.

Jeez I have not even been to US ever. But I can see everything reflected in this dream. People must stand up and be the change to make the change happen. I also love so much that Bern is an independent candidate, not democrat initially, I love his passion and consistency. In my opinion, mere facts that Hillary gets corporate donations should just make her a no-no for ordinary folks. You don't want corporations shaping you life, you want to be doing it for yourself as Bernie did.

So I’ve used the cup and I've liked it. Not THAT much though. and here is why:

It is never a good idea to hype yourself over something beforehand, even if that something seems to be the most amazing invention known to humanity, ever. Or if it has highest rating of user approval. Even though I’ve known it before it is only struck me this time to talk about it because it connects two very dear and important topics to me: environment and vaginas.

You know how you look at the appetizing picture of an ice-cream cone on a billboard, then go to your grocery store to buy one (or dozen) only to discover that they are over-frozen and smushed on the top as if they where victims of criminals burning out someones’ body fingertips to steal their identity? It still tastes good though, but you'll never believe any ads ever again. Till tomorrow.

So I saw this discussion on zero-waste households and I’ve got me a cup. The Cup. The Ruby one. Because of Reasons

I’ve always been huge on cutting waste and was very happy to discover that such thing as menstrual cup existed. So I finally got my hands on it (before carefully researching it, as I discovered later). I mean, I did research it and asked questions, and I got info like “women over 30 and those who had kids should use bigger one”, “it holds your flow for up to 12 hours”, “it’s easy to operate with”, “it could be used for years” - that kind of characteristics that seemed really comprehencive. Don't get me wrong, they ARE important, but they do not give you the full picture of what you’ll get.

I was so thrilled to finally have my period to test the cup and for the first day it was A-mazing. Great: no leakage, no discomfort, I would forget I was on my period if it wasn't for cramps. That’s it. From that everything went downhill.

First of all, I did not have one single leakage free night yet. As well as I believe it could hold your flow for up to 12 hours (as my first day showed me), it actually rather doesn’t. It overflows in 3-5 hours, literally. I understand that every flow is different and while some people could probably get away with one small tampon, my period, which looks more like Faroe Islands' Whale Slaughter usually demands the biggest one, supported by a pad, because otherwise

My Ruby Cup holds up to 34 ml (to the rim), which is considered a lot, taking into account that for some brands it is the biggest option (or they have even smaller ones) and there are only three brands that I found that offer bigger capacities - Luv Ur Body, MeLuna and Yuuki Cups with 43, 42 and just 37 ml max capacity respectively. (You can check comparative table for menstrual cups here) Lets say even though I didn't get the biggest one, I’ve probably didn't miss much as it is only 26% bigger, which probably would not give me that 10-12 hour protection anyway. Still, I wouldn't mind adding another hour or two to my leakage free night sleep. So for those who are still deciding on wether to choose a cup and which one I would probably recommend to try disposable ones first. They are wasteful as any disposable products are and obviously differ from reusable ones in their structure, but it is important for you to first understand what is a proper volume or shape for your body so you could make most informed choice and have an image of what using a menstrual cup will look like for you. I’ve made this mistake so you wouldn't have to.

The next one got me really disappointed as in “have those people ever had a vagina experience of any sort”? Third time sitting on the edge of my bathtub, trying to pull the cup out all I could think of was - This cup-inventor clearly never met vagina in its natural habitat (or did not possess common sense, which is a great quality for an inventor). You know, things get slippery when they're wet.

What other reason could be found for such a stupid idea as to suggest to pull something full of sticky blood by a short mushy slippery stem out of place that rather would suck you in than let it go? I mean, all of you who saw a tampon in your life, they all have a loop, right? It is not a string, its a loop, which you could easily grab to pull your tampon out. With my cup, I had to pinch the stem with my nails to grab it so hard that it would let go. It was quite scary - to claw that hard on something soft and mushy inside of something other soft and mushy that is my flesh. Yep, I know, they said they covered that issue in the manual: “gently pull the stem with your fingers … use your stomach muscles to push cup downwards … press the walls of the cup to release the suction” First of all no, second of all niet. I am not the one of those who is afraid to rummage inside their vagina, but it is just not in my abilities - to fit two more fingers where there is a cup already. And somehow (suddenly) it is problematic to push the hollow object out. By any means, more problematic, than to make proper design in the first place. So I was thinking on sketching the primitive deign of basic proper cup and sending polite letter to the company asking them if they ever had an idea, that ring could probably be much more effective, than a hollow mushy tube (and where this idea of tube even comes from?) when I discovered, that MeLuna Cup already has this option! (great! where you have been when I was shopping for my cup?) There is Femmycycle that also has a ring, but it has even shorter lifespan, than MeLuna - 1 year vs 3 years. I did not use it so I cannot recommend it, but what I know is producing menstrual cup with a stem is like making a bicycle with square wheels. Its just ... why??

Hence my next advice: Dear Menstrual Cup Producers, make it freaking work, its not a rocket science!

Here is my small comparative Table of Hesitation:

As you can see, no one gets more than 4 out of 6, also those that last less are somehow more expensive. Besides that, their claim that it is still cheaper than disposable sanitary products seem very unlikely to me: even with my heavy flow I hardly ever spend 30 EUR a year.

I saw people discussing tag #lingerie being blocked from search on #instagram, but I did not see anyone mentioning that tag #lesbian is now forbidden there, while tag #gay is still perfectly normal for "our comunity" WTF?