disaster

According to my mom and sister the very first thing i did upon waking up was BOLT upright and proceed to try and shove my ENTIRE fist in my mouth as fast as possible.

I had to be physically stopped, and i proceeded to sob my eyes out for the next 20 minutes. Somehow, i didnt damage anything 🤣

sorry that imagery is so vivid i just..

Therapist: Listen, you do exist, and if you didn’t, someone would have to create you because the world would be a much sadder place.

Therapist: No.

Me: Wow.

Therapist: You’re just a fucked up bitch.

Me: I do agree with the fucked up bitch part.

Therapist: Considering what you told me and how much you wanna beat him to death, he’s not. You pretty much hate him despite knowing him for years.

Me:

Me: Why did I need to come here to realize that.

Therapist: Because that’s my job to help you to understand some stuff. Also because you’re way too kind and you would let someone punch you in the guts and still consider them as your friend while they stab you.

Therapist: Oh that’s nice!!... Oh my name is on it!!

Me: Yeah!!

Me: What-

Therapist: *turns his screen and show me THIS* 

Me: 

Me: Yeah, I went.

Therapist: Was it something you enjoyed?

Me: Mh. Yeah. Sorta.

Therapist: Did you see some bears?

Me:

Me: Jerome wh-

Me: No, I want it!!

Therapist: Finally, you’re not forcing yourself for the others! And you’re doing something you want! I’m proud of you!

Me: You’re more of a dad than my own father.

Therapist: I am not.

Me: Ooh.

Therapist: Or am I?

The secretary came to tell me that Jerome actually forgot to write me down on the appointment list.

Therapist: Oh, really, I never noticed. You know, you should turn that anger into indifference. It would help you.

Me: Like what? ‘Hey Joël wassup, I’ve been very suicidal lately last night I wanted to die. Hope you have rad vacations and the weed is good save some good kush for me, kissy kissy.’ ?

Therapist: Exactly.

Therapist: Can I touch you to prove you that you do?

Me: Dinner first.

Therapist:

Me: I’m broke.

Therapist: Oh yeah.

Therapist: You still need vacations tho.

Therapist, by text: Oh sorry. I didn’t see you.

Therapist, by text: Wait. Were you at the tattoo shop?

Therapist: So your friend lives in the same street than I?

Me: Yes. Town’s short I guess.

Therapist: Were you really going to your friend...?

Me: Yes?? Why else would I be here?

Therapist: Your appointment was this morning at 11:30am, Damien.

Me:

Me: I’m gonna get a rat and call him Jerome just to piss you off.

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: Do you smoke?

yes 😂 I can also operate one of these (this photo sadly doesn’t give you much of a sense of scale unless you look at the driver’s seat. those wheels are almost 5 ft tall)

I had no car and needed work, and conveniently there was a landscaping supply company within walking distance. I thought to myself, “I hate retail jobs and have always wanted to work outdoors, I bet this could be fun!” so. I applied and got an interview

now, all of this sounds very unremarkable until you realize one crucial fact: I am going into this interview as a transgender blue-haired twink. I literally look like this

somehow, I fail to properly think about this fact until I arrive on the premises and am surrounded by blue-collar, salt of the earth trucker men, and all of them are looking at me like I’m a flamingo escaped from the theme park. suddenly, I decide I have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting this job

.... luckily, it turns out that I am an extremely resilient snowball

somehow, through the sheer dumb luck of the universe and the joys of the absurdity of life... I get a second interview. they ask me to get an Oregon driver’s license so I can be put on the company insurance plan. I run into my future boss at the DMV and he smiles at me and claps me on the shoulder. I get officially hired that very week......... as a trans guy with shoulder-length blue hair and the build of the aforementioned flamingo

and......... it ends up being AMAZING. I mean obviously, there’s some confusion about me at first - I had to apply under my deadname, and I’m only a year on T so I don’t pass very well even without the hair. BUT... I’m a hard worker and good on a forklift, so after a handful of “what should we call you?” questions and a single “so... are you a girl or a boy? sorry - this is all so new to me”... I am officially One Of The Dudes.

I get nicknamed right off the bat (”Blue”). I get invited to weekly trivia night at the bar (it turns out that true gender euphoria is having a 6-foot tall bearded trucker man tell you “I don’t care if you’re gay, trans, or whatever - you can drive a forklift good and that’s what matters”). the guys in the truck workshop help me with my car troubles when I do eventually get a car. I end up being very useful for crawling inside of small spaces, like inside the lapidary (stone and gem work) saw and behind storage areas. they also find out I’m good at power washing and they fight over who gets to have me wash their rigs next. all in all..... I’m made to feel welcomed, valued, and even a little loved.

anyways, here’s some more pics:

me in the saw:

Clifford The Big Red Truck, freshly washed (all the trucks had names):

operating the Komatsu:

when it came time for me to quit, everybody signed a goodbye card for me and my boss gave me this sick obsidian and turquoise knife:

also I ended up with biceps like this