( the shorter version)

I spent my whole 2022 year of fighting the consequences of my involvement with the writing part of the fandom.

Then because of some entitled to my work popular writer, and a POLITE ask I sent to them not to use my DELETED content (gifs), some additional drama took place, and some unpleasant stuff happened.

Anyways.

I was having a blog under the name agentalpha. I can't use that name anymore, because it reminds me of that fiasco and all my old stuff is marked with it so....

I decided to speak because:

I developed depression and PTSD as a side effect....and needed counselling to get better.

I was never diagnosed with depression before that so that the side effect as they told me.

And I think that people need to be more mindful towards the others, because you never know who is behind the screen. Being kind to all, not only your friends.

I wished people to be able to understand, that common courtesy rules and mutual respect exists for a reason.

-----

And before I go, I need to clear some things up.

Because I always adhere to common courtesy rules and Online Netiquette, and I find it very...unpleasant, when others do not. And then not even consider it.

HERE SOME THINGS, I WANT MAKE VERY CLEAR ABOUT ME, after NO ONE had the common courtesy to behave like an adult, and .... ask what's what.

1. I DON'T do HATE / OFFENSE

AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T .

I write fiction since 2007. I HAVE DEALT WITH HATERS.

I WON'T DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I'm also too old for petty dramas, and doing childish stuff like that.

THE ASK And here, that's a screen of the ask I sent.

The one that lead to everything else.

See anything offensive?

NO. Because there is NOTHING OFFENSIVE.

* There was NO OFFENSE in none of my other posts either.

And that's because I do NOT DO OFFENSE/HATE.

Simple as that.

I prefer common courtesy. Thank you.

2. I NEVER interact with fiction that is not to my taste. In no way.

I keep to myself and I only interact with fics I like.

That's about it.

Here some more:

PERSONAL BOUNDARIES STATED POLITELY AREN'T OFFENSE

I COULD SLIP INTO ANXIETY ATTACK If I interact with certain contents. And I definitely love my ability to be able to breath.

I could read almost everything except things that contain some forms of abusive behaviour (including consent stuff).

I DON'T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIKES - kinks, and personal preferences included.

No matter how exotic they might be.

I have my own likes, that might not be to someone else's taste.

And I'm NO double faced a$$. Would you kindly not make me one.

What people like is none of my business.

It's not my business what they write on their blogs either.

Unless they think that they are better than everyone else, and have more rights than the others.

--

So would you kindly, before listening to gossips or whatever about someone else, FIRST go CHECK FOR YOURSELF WHAT IT IS, ASK THE PERSON YOURSELF WHAT'S GOING ON AND MAKE CONCLUSION BASED ON THEIR ANSWER.

That's the right thing to do.

And NOT DUMPING AND ABANDONING PEOPLE THAT SUPPORT YOU, AND LIKE YOU AND YOUR CONTENT, BASED ON MISUNDERSTANDING, INCOMPLETE DATA AND ( MAY BE) BAD MOUTHING BY ANOTHER.

( Tip: The popularity of one person, should not be your correct criteria to take action against someone else who is not.)

------

And before you read any of the posts here, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MORE ABOUT ME.

Things I don't mention, usually, but now I need to, because no one cares about common courtesy, mutual respect and other's people limitations:

I have social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria ( google it)

I get sensory overload by too much online interactions especially in online groups

I have hard time reaching to others even for friendships - online and otherwise

And after all that, and no one willing to ask or care....well you can guess for yourself

----

That's me being done. After I say what I have to I will be on my way.

I won't make other posts but I need to close accounts and tie up loose ends.

Those are NOT HATE posts.

Excuse the cynical sub-tones.

( name blacked out, many people use the same scheme, also THAT person changed theirs)

Did she asked you to delete my fan-blog link from your fic masterlist, or did you decided on your own, in order not to loose her support cause she is ...POPULAR ?

Don't answer me. I don't give a damn. Not anymore.

Either way......That was horrible.

When all I did was to ask HER POLITELY NOT to use my DELETED GIFS for her FICTION.

I asked the xxxxxxxispunk to keep this private after I send her a private ask. Because I did what a reasonable person would do, all in compliance with netiquette.

And what does she do?

She opened her big mouth to tell all her followers how she would "not use more gifs eveeeeer" when she could simply use someone's elses.

She unfollowed me, blocked me, when all she was asked about was not to put the deleted content in fan fiction.

And next I know my fave author dumps me because of her.

Well at least you recommended her. All her chapters of her fic.

And all I did for you was rooting for you and your work. And all you needed to do was NOT to take sides.

But you choose.

And I was not the one who asked you to.

Thanks though for showing me what I mean to you. Was way too clear though.

Let me tell why I deleted my gifs:

I waited for half a year for ONE comment on my fic by whoever....And no one cared to hear me. that was my ONLY FIC. 32 CHAPTERS . AND NO ONE GAVE A DAMN. SOME 10 LIKES AND THAT WAS IT.

So it was ONLY FAIR TO DELETE MY GIFS. Because those gifs were ALL everyone who FOLLOWED ME CARED ABOUT. Not me. They cared about some f**** pics.

But at the end I left the fandom because of her ( and then added you to the list). Because what to do here?

Write and no one to read me?

Do art and getting like 4 notes?

Write and some person to plagiarize my writing and them getting 90 notes?

Or make gifs for some ungrateful fanfic writers that care not to even check on what I do but are the first to use my gifs and be offended?

I got PTSD from all that, which I deal with a second year in a row.

Not only I was ignored as an author, but then there was no one to talk about that.

I was watching your fans praising you on a daily basis and from my fave all the experience with fan fiction turned into poison.

All I want now is that I've never complimented you on your fic.

I wish I have never read all those praises your fans left under your fic.

I should have stayed silent reader and away form everyone.

And I did complimented you because I liked your writing...and thought we could be friends. It was not because of benefits of any kind, or whatever your problem with me was.

I had one fic only, and though a good word would be great, it was neither expected, not required of you or anything. I though that you follow my blogs for something.

Obviously not my art or writing. My bad.

I will guess now that the reason is damned gifs, pictures of your actor, for your fic.

Exactly as anyone else.

Thanks for following 2 of my blogs for nothing. Including my writing one. And thank you for dumping me. Again.

And I will tell you what the problem is - there is nothing else.

And not only that -

The mightly "Reader" refuses to read other things....unless it's that almost personalized character x YOU sh*t.

Because the other authors give them what they need..... 9_9

Do you even know what damage that does to authors as a whole and the diversity as a whole?

Or all is good until you get you fix?

What you need, written for free, for...YOU...

And you don't even comment most of the time......

So it's a system that only gives - to you.

There is no viable system that only gives.....

I wish all not commented authors to "quit" so you can leave with the popular and praised, and see how long they will last under the weight of....your "demands".

That will be "fun to watch.

Cause right now - the not seen authors, that get no comment but write never the less, are your buffer.

If they "quit" you will be left with the hungry crowd.....that needs its free personalized, x reader content, tailored to their thoughts and needs......

And if you are the only one giving, you may learn the lessons you all need to learn.

Because right now fanfiction is f****ing high school popularity fest.

It's all cliques ....and x reader crap.

--

P:S I don't know who was the person why instilled that model as the only acceptable in fanfiction but - fuck them.

Cause that "x reader" crap WAS NOT THERE IN 2007.

--

Thank you Pedro Pascal fandom, especially The Writers and no one giving a fuck about me or my fan fic.

And people WHO only USED ME FOR MY GIFS and when I stopped giving them they ABANDONED ME.

Now I will say it and don't take that as an offense- But you are, at large, the most toxic fandom I have ever encountered.

I have been part of fandoms ...but yours...... I wish I've never was part of it.

There are good people too and I do apologize to them.

But the rest of you I wish I have never joined the toxic group I did.

Now about MY FIC- I had ONLY ONE FIC, it would have been 32 chapters but I deleted it and after I begged for one comment or some feedback, constructive critics included, for half a year.

No one did nothing.

The fanfic authors had nothing against USING MY GIFS AND PICS FOR THEIR FICS, but once I started writing they PRETENDED ME OR MY FIC DID NOT EXIST.

Then those same other people WHO SLAP A LIKE, go to another author fic a fic that looks like mine level of writing speaking and they leave long sophisticated comments and that author gets 120 notes and more.

DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?

WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH MY FIC?

AT LEAST CHAPTER 1 HAD 31...if ONLY ALL THE OTHERS DID TOO...BUT NO.

I got NO comments. Not a single one under a chapter.

I had 20 chapters posted those are some of them but it was all the same under the others.

At the end I got sick of self promotion and abandoned it.

Only 10 likes and depression only because I thought that there are a couple of people that will give a f**k.

Nopes.

On the other hand I watched for 6 months how other authors are being loved and liked. And every second one of them gets 200 notes a chapter by default.

I deleted my fic after last Christmas I got 2, 8 and 6 likes on Chapters I said were important to the plot.

And that other author got more than 120 notes on 31 December 2021 also commitments and people being like

"OMG you killed me with that chapter", "OMg I love how get in his head", "OMG I can't read now BUT...", "Let me screenshot my fave part here...." and then a long sophisticated comment about someone marking someone with bite marks....

LIKE REALLY?

WHY you are so good to some and give nothing to others?

And then that person that's like" "Thank you for giving us part of your soul.", AND "WE ARE BLESSED WITHH 2 CHAPTERS".

RIGHT.

I GOT NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

If my fic was written by someone else it would be a$$kissing and "OMG you killed me with that chapter" and "OMG I love how you get in his head.... "

But BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY ME I GOT NOTHING.

My fic was good. And MOST DEFINITELY DESERVED BETTER.

WELL OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE WERE not "BLEESSED" BY THE 2 CHAPTERS I POSTED in one week.....

Nether my additional writing was their daily fix......

I WISH I HAVE NEVER POSTED.

And parts of my fic were plagiarized......

The person who did it got 90 notes plus.....

I on the other hand did not.

So go figure.

-- And after that additional drama .....That was not only rude but misplaced and unnecessary.....

"Thanks" to 99 % of my...."followers" who  silently left while I was amidst severe depression and anxiety and panic attacks.

Leaving because I said I won't post anymore not even asking what's going on.

Thanks to my fave author for dumping me because of little Miss Anastasia Steele and her 400 notes per chapter fic.

That was low.

Dumping me...silently..... for what? For loving your fic?

Wow.

And thanks to Little Miss Anastasia Steele* ( name changed) for behaving like 12 years old.

Apologizing to everyone but me. Because of you, and tumblr as platform where I can NOT deleted my content I decided not to post gifs anymore.

SEE ANYTHING OFFENSIVE?

NO. BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING OFFENSIVE HERE. That's what I sent that person and why I was dumped after.

--

You authors seems to be very stingy with comments and attention to people who are not your besties, OR part of your "friend groups" but are somehow entitled to peoples' hard work also known as gifs made by someone else.

After no one wants to read my fic I don't want my gifs used for fiction.

Fair is fair isn't it now?

Why you angry? Hmmm?

That's right. Nothing to be angry about.

It was done BUT NOT before their followers were informed how Miss Anastasia Steele "WON'T USE MOREEE GIFSS EVEEEERRRRRR...."

DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO OFFER THE SAME CONTENT.

And if it had ended here everything will be airtight but it didn't.

The next I know I'm being dumped by another person because of that. A person I respected and their fic was my ONLY other favourite fic.

Well now I can NOT read it till the end because all I see is how YOU DUMPED ME WITH NO THOUGHT after I made that fan blog for 4 months because I thought you are great and that we are some sort of friends.

You simply DUMPED ME.

So- after everyone else IGNORED ME AND MY FIC 6 MONTHS at the end I'm being dumped because that other person is more POPULAR?

Excuse me but what the.....

Also- Please DO understand that some FANFICS TOPICS are triggering and not everyone can read them.

And the one of Miss Steele was filled with such TOPICS.

THAT HOWEVER IS A PERSONAL BOUNDARY AND IS NOT AN OFFENSE.

SOMEONE TELLING YOU THAT IS NOT AN OFFENSE EITHER.

I read all but I can NOT engage with topics that are talking about abuse and abusive behaviour ( including problematic consent.)

That however is not offensive.

INSTEAD I WAS DUMPED BECAUSE OF THAT .

I HAVE NO WORDS.

YEAH IT'S A YEAR, but one I SPENT IN CONSELUNG AND DEPRESSION BECAUSE I GOT PTSD as a result.

Would you give me my wasted time back?

--

So would you kindly be kind to all, not only to your "friends" and besties.

And at the end the bitter feeling how no one would even care to check on my writing is still lingering.

But thanks.

Now that Miss Steele has 2000 followers....and succeeded in her fic writing and.....other things... I'm all set /sarcasm intended.

She at least had your SUPPORTSO.....yeah.

Not to mention that because of THAT I CAN'T FINISH THE ONE FIC I LOVED because the author decided they prefer little miss Steele Better than me.....

Despite the fact that I DIDN'T NOT ASKED SOMEONE TO BE ABANDONED.....

But at the end I was.

And not to forget, that other persons fic was recommended, the whole of it, and they had 400 notes on a chapter,

and I got nothing by no one.

Because if she deserved that many notes I deserved them too.

But no one gives a fuck because I'm not popular.

And that fic I was reading.....That was the only one I was reading. And I cannot even finish it because of that all.

I should have never made you that compliment.

But made that horrible mistake because on AO3 you had only 10 comments......

I regret that. Next time though I will keep my mouth shut.

So good ( for you) that you went from 20 notes and writer block to fandom fanfic superstar.

All I got from your writing fandom was contempt, silence and people ignoring me.

Despite the fact that my writing was good.

And you or whoever could not care less.

--

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER JOINED THAT POPULARITY CONTEST PARADE THAT IS THE FAN FICTION WRITING on tumblr.

And that is not an opinion - it's a fact. Fact that many people talk about outside Tumblr.

THE NEXT TIME - I WILL NOT.

I will read silently from now on and everywhere else.

Thanks for showing me how it is done.

I do apologize if I come as emotional TO YOU, OR WHATEVER, BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT PAIN YOU ALL CAUSED ME.

--

Thank you PP fandom and no one giving a fuck about me or my fan fic.

And people WHO only USED ME FOR MY GIFS and when I stopped giving them they ABANDONED ME.

Now I will say it and don't take that as an offense- But you are, at large, the most toxic fandom I have ever encountered.

I have been part of fandoms ...but yours...... I wish I've never was part of it.

There are good people too and I do apologize to them.

But the rest of you I wish I have never joined the toxic group I did.

I had ONLY ONE FIC, it would have been 32 chapters but I deleted it and after I begged for one comment or some feedback, constructive critics included, for half a year.

No one did nothing.

The fanfic authors had nothing against USING MY GIFS AND PICS FOR THEIR FICS, but once I started writing they PRETENDED ME OR MY FIC DID NOT EXIST.

Then those same people WHO SLAP A LIKE, go to another author fic a fic that looks like mine level of writing speaking and they leave long sophisticated comments and that author gets 120 notes and more.

DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?

WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH MY FIC?

AT LEAST CHAPTER 1 HAD 31...if ONLY ALL THE OTHERS DID TOO...BUT NO.

I got NO comments. Not a single one under a chapter.

I had 20 chapters posted those are some of them but it was all the same under the others.

At the end I got sick of self promotion and abandoned it.

Only 10 likes and depression only because I thought that there are a couple of people that will give a f**k.

Nopes.

On the other hand I watched for 6 months how other authors are being loved and liked. And every second one of them gets 200 notes a chapter by default.

I deleted my fic after last Christmas I got 2, 8 and 6 likes on Chapters I said were important to the plot.

If it was written by someone else it would be a$$kissing and "OMG you killed me with that chapter" and "OMG I love how you get in his head.... "

But BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY ME I GOT NOTHING.

My fic was good. And MOST DEFINITELY DESERVED BETTER.

WELL OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE WERE not "BLEESSED" BY THE 2 CHAPTERS I POSTED in one week.....

Nether my additional writing was their daily fix......

I WISH I HAVE NEVER POSTED.

And parts of my fic were plagiarized......

The person who did it got 90 notes plus.....

I on the other hand did not.

So go figure.

-- And after that additional drama .....That was not only rude but misplaced and unnecessary.....

"Thanks" to 99 % of my...."followers" who  silently left while I was amidst severe depression and anxiety and panic attacks.

Leaving because I said I won't post anymore not even asking what's going on.

Thanks to my fave author for dumping me because of little Miss Anastasia Steele and her 400 notes per chapter fic.

That was low.

Dumping me...silently..... for what? For loving your fic?

Wow.

And thanks to Little Miss Anastasia Steele* ( name changed) for behaving like 12 years old. Apologizing to everyone but me . Because of you, and tumblr as platform where I can NOT deleted my content I decided not to post gifs anymore.

SEE ANYTHING OFFENSIVE?

NO. BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING OFFENSIVE HERE.

--

You authors seems to be very stingy with comments and attention to people who are not your besties, OR part of your "friend groups" but are somehow entitled to peoples' hard work also known as gifs made by someone else.

After no one wants to read my fic I don't want my gifs used for fiction.

Fair is fair isn't it now?

Why you angry? Hmmm?

That's right. Nothing to be angry about.

It was done BUT NOT before their followers were informed how Miss Anastasia Steele WON'T USE MOREEE GIFSS EVEEEERRRRRR....

DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO OFFER THE SAME CONTENT.

And if it had ended here everything will be airtight but it didn't.

The next I know I'm being dumped by another person because of that.

Also- Please DO understand that some FANFICS TOPICS are triggering and not everyone can read them.

THAT HOWEVER IS A PERSONAL BOUNDARY AND IS NOT AN OFFENSE.

SOMEONE TELLING YOU THAT IS NOT AN OFFENSE EITHER.

I read all but I can NOT engage with topics that are talking about abuse behaviour ( including problematic consent.).....

That however is not offensive.

INSTEAD I WAS DUMPED BECAUSE OF THAT by other people.

I HAVE NO WORDS.

YEAH IT'S A YEAR, but one I SPENT IN CONSELUNG AND DEPRESSION BECAUSE I GOT PTSD as a result.

--

So would you kindly be kind to all, not only to your "friends" and besties.

And at the end the bitter feeling how no one would even care to check on my writing is still lingering.

But thanks.

Now that Miss Steele has 2000 followers....and succeeded in her fic writing and.....other things... I'm all set /sarcasm intended.

She at least had your SUPPORT SO.....yeah.

Not to mention that because of THAT I CAN'T FINISH THE ONE FIC I LOVED because the author decided they prefer little miss Steele Better than me.....Despite the fact that I DIDN'T NOT ASKED SOMEONE TO BE ABANDONED.....

But at the end I was.

Your fic was the one I was reading. And I can not even finish it.

--

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER JOINED THAT POPULARITY CONTEST PARADE THAT IS THE FAN FICTION WRITING on tumblr.

And that is not an opinion - it's a fact. Fact that many people talk about outside Tumblr.

THE NEXT TIME - I WILL NOT.

I WIll read silently from now on and everywhere else.

Thank you for dumping me last January, silently after all I offered was support.

I never felt so bad for doing something for someone else.

Now I can't even finish your fic.

And your fic WAS MY ONLY FAVOURITE FAN FIC about that character. The ONLY one.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU CARE....AS EVERYONE ELSE IS ALWAYS AROUND YOU COMMENTING SHOWING YOU LOVE.....why would you care that I won't read.

Yeah why would you?

Or why would everyone else

"Thank you" so much.

I wish I have never told you how much I like your fic.

At least I will finish it and now I can't because it became a trigger. Only see how that link got deleted in the blink of an eye, and me not even being asked what's going on.

I was in the middle of severe depression and was having non stop panic and anxiety attacks meanwhile deleting my blogs and my whole fic.

But no one cared to ask what's going on.

And dumping me for what?

Because Little Miss Anastasia Steele COMPLAINED WITH HER BIG MOUTH because that person can NOT use my DELETED GIFS for their fic.

And they complain why? Because they got this?

Excuse me but there is nothing to complain about.

Why haven't she read my fic instead of ONLY using my gifs for every piece of fiction about that character she was writing?

Hmm?

But she is a "wh**re "for your fic.- that's a quote. She said "I'll be a w***re for your fic...." And she gets recommendations.

Of course.

But so good that at least someone has "friends".

Not me though.

News for you both-

This was MY WORK and I DELETED it and didn't wanted it USED.

I don't need to explain why and you don;t need to be mad about it.

First - Because it was my work. And I don't want my DELETED WORK USED after no one would show a basic for of mutual respect towards the hard work that goes into it.

Second- because NO ONE READ my fic after I begged for 1 comment for half a year, and everyone was playing deaf.

------

WHILE YOU BOTH AND EVERYONE WERE RECOMENDING EACH OTHERS. And that one friend of yours won't shut up how good you are.

Then Little Miss Steele person had 400 notes per chapter.

So they deserve recommending?

Why? So they can become MORE POPULAR?

While OTHERS STAY UNSEEN?

God knows why that person is popular at all.

But my invisible fic with 10 likes didn't deserve recommendation?

Despite the fact that it was good.

At least so people who would like it to know that it exists....

But no....

No recommendation for me by no one.

Why?

Because I'm not popular?

I don't think so.

So thanks for showing where your loyalties are......

And everyone else keeping quiet because they COULDN'T CARE LESS.

I should have never involved myself with you.

I got PTSD as side effect of all that happened the "betrayal" included.

That mean I needed to have counseling for half a year after that nice experience.

While people write prequels....and what not.

Probably it's good to go from "ONLY 20 NOTES and a writer block" to FANDOM FAN-FICTION SUPERSTAR .

didn't HAPPEN TO ME. I had 10 f* likes so I deleted all I posted and enjoyed a year long DEPRESSION.

So - I wasted 4 months of my life for a person that dropped me with no second thought because I asked ANOTHER PERSON my things not to be used....

Wooow.

Also FOR TEH RECORD- I DON'T DO HATE/ OFFENSE.

I always follow the common courtesy rules!

However I have NO control over what someone would perceive as "offense".

So thanks for dumping me. For nothing.

And thank you for doing it silently. Deleting my name from your tag list and that link to my fan blog I did for your fic.

You think that's not enough and means nothing?

Do you know how many people did whatever for me or my fic?

NONE.

So yeah....To each their own. 4 months form my time no on e will give me back. But now that you are a big name.....and you have it all why would you care for those who are not.

I bet it's better in the populars club having friendly talks with other writers.....about writing.

--

I wish I knew I don't mean anything, before I believed I was friend of yours.

I was some number it seems. And one that meant nothing to you it seems.

Because the friends get their fic read and commented and recomended...as that one fic about We could be heroes.....

And for the record- I didn't need anything.

But sure a kind word would feel good.....like "You wirte too...Coool. Welcome new author. "

Well I got nothining of it.

I was dumped. Because I'm not popular.

And little Miss Steele has 2000 followers....so ...I'm sure their support means more.... lol

Anyways.

Nightmare before Christmas 2021

A cautionary horror story about fandom behaviours

(Pedro Pascal's Fan-fic Writing Fandom Version ( I apologize to Pedro. It's not his fault) )

--Chapter I - Chapter II- Chapter III Part I - Part II--

--

Chapter II The Price you pay

The membership "fee" in "the not popular authors club" is way too high.

Now, Hear me good:

I DELETED My content - pics, gifs, and etc.. of Pedro Pascal and his movies, and everything I did, after half a year I was ignored and overlooked practically by everyone in the fandom.

After I begged, someone from all the people, in the entire fandom, to "please read my only thing" and give me some feed back for half-a year, and all I got back was radio silence.

I only asked in the beginning, because I thought that a couple of people may be good enough to say something...

Then as the end of the fic was near, I went into a state of panic. Yeah it's not funny but who was there to tell me.....

I had, and would have ONLY ONE fic, may be 32 chapters.

20 of which were already posted.

But no one cared.

Meanwhile - I was watching how everyone talks with everyone else, recommending, commenting and what not...and having fun.

Besties and author friends. Good for you.

Well...I did not had fun. It was quite the opposite.

As a result I was driven into depression and self loathing pit of despair, I had no need to enter.

Because people ( writers, and the fandom as a whole) love to only take.

At least how they treated me.

Other people get comments like :

"Thank you for giving us part of your soul", other comments, recommendations, engagement and what not with their work.

I however got nothing. 10 likes and that was it for me.

No comments, no engagement, no nothing. And needles to say no reblogs, except the occasional one.

I deserved more.

My fic deserved more.

It may not be for everyone, but it was good.

People writing like me, on my level, were getting 120 notes

But not me. So no I won't accept it.

I was ignored by the same people, who had no problems to use my things - gifs etc., while I was posting them, and for their fan fics.

But when one needs, something in return, from whoever, THEY PRETEND YOU DON’T EXIST.

I mean the ENTIRE FANDOM. Not Person This or Person That.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MORE ABOUT ME.

Things I don’t mention, usually, but now I need to, because no one cares about common courtesy, mutual respect and other’s people limitations.

I have personal limitations.

That means that I MUST watch my environment and what I do.

I have social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria ( google it)

I get sensory overload by too much online data and interaction

I have hard time reaching to others even for friendships - online and otherwise - and after all that….well you can guess for yourself.

Excuse the cynical sub-tones. But.....

Unlike some others I got nothing from the fandom

neither did my fic.

And I would not write 12 hours a day, and beg like ……, for a 32 and something chapters, of the only one fan fic I was about to post.

You don’t want read it, engage, comments and treat me like you treat other people (authors).....

.....Fine. Don’t.

It’s deleted.

And so is my content.

Dealing with people was all too expensive. And if you care to know what I needed to leave behind because all of this…Here is the list.

The bill:

I deleted all the content, in all of my blogs

Almost all, but some (thank you!), of my followers left, when I did.

All those other “amazing” FOLLOWERS LEFT though, silently WHEN I DID deleted my content,

BECAUSE the ONE THING THEY WANTED and cared about obviously were the PICS AND GIFS of P. Pascal.

They did not care about me as a person.

I got not even one DM by no one of them.

I destroyed 10 years old blog, because all my content was marked with its name

I can’t use that name anymore, because it reminds me of that….FIASCO.

stopped posting gifs and pics, because the deleted content stays in reblogs. EVEN when you DELETE your OP, and/or account itself, it still stays in other people reblogs.

I stopped writing my fic

I quit writing fiction all together, because I WOULD NOT PUT MYSELF THOROUGH THE SAME THING A SECOND TIME.

I stopped doing the only things, that helped me to manage my anxiety and were my escape from reality

Then:

I needed counseling half a year , after I spent the first half in severe depression, panic and anxiety attacks. Because, and as I was told when I got it, I had developed PTSD . 9_9

Mind you - I have not been diagnosed with depression before THAT. It was side effect form all the ….“friendly” treatment.

And also what you may not know:

Parts of my fic were PLAGIARIZED, and ended in some other person’s writing. They got 90 plus note.

My writing however - DID NOT.

And ON top of that all– after that not needed “betrayal” by a person I thought so highly of beforehand, I needed to stop reading the ONE FIC I LOVED.

IT all FELT LIKE SOMEONE RIPPED MY SOUL AWAY.

And what did Fandom Faves gave?

They got more followers, one of them "published a book" and they, let me quote - "would not do it without you" .

And yeah That's Exactly the problem.

You all, as a fandom, have "the power" to bring people down or raise them "to glory" on a random principles and "been there in the right time and place"- kind of luck.

SO - it's a f*** lottery then.

I don't know what the other does but I don't care anyways.

All I know is that I could NOT read their fic till the end because all of that.

And their fic was my only fave fic. Well I loved that fic. Anyways.

Should have stayed silent reader.

Supposedly that one friend of theirs, is on their blog day to day, praising them as usual and all the time.

-----

I got NONE of this.

All I got was silent rejection. People won't tell you anything, but they'll show you.

The worst kind of rejection.

And you don't even know what they don't like so you can at least try to fix it.

Nopes.

I was talking with two people, but nether of them contacted me, for one reason or another,and I do not want to intrude.

Anyways....

Nightmare before Christmas 2021

(pedro pascal’s Fandom ( I apologize pedro, it's NOT your fault)

 Fan-fic authors and writers Fandom Edition)

A cautionary horror story about fandom behaviours

FOREWORD

Before I begin, Let me clear some things.

This NOT a hate post

This is NOT a personal vendetta

There is no bad mouthing of others

it's about how I got treated

If you are offended by satire, cynism, sarcasm and correct information

or

don't posses the emotional maturity for critical thinking by yourself and not relaying to group opinion to make conclusions - don’t read. You are warned.*

----

This, is merely a story, of how some people get treated in a fandom, while others get totally different treatment.

A fandom, where everyone seems to be the best of friends, kind and nice people, on a first sight....

But as in every tale......They are NOT.

At least - Not really.

It's a group behaviour though. And as in every other group, there are people who do NOT behave like that. (I thank you kindly!)

*It’s long but its about half a year*

Now a second thing I need to make clear and will clear it again at the end :

I ONLY posted and I decided to share my fic, because I thought that I had a couple of friends who will care.

I would NOT ever post, If I was informed, BEFORE I DID, what is what.

Also it's a problem that spreads around all in all of the tumblr fandoms.

I was just caught in this one

And it's important because:

I have personal limitations * and I need to watch what I do. I could slip into anxiety/ panic attack otherwise.

And most deeply disappointing of it all was that, apparently, I had no friends here and Learned the truth the hard way….

….By experience.

Also and once again - This NOT a hate post.

----

I offered that fandom all I had to offer, my time included, and all they all did - was to abuse their rights.

I do apologize to the few kind people and others like them.

So, I think I’m done. But before I go to the long, horrible story of being in your fandom.

And let me tell why, I decided to speak.

I got PTSD and depression - that means I needed counseling after all I needed to deal with….for “fun” I was NOT diagnosed with depression before this. And I'm still not. I got this as side effect of my involvement.

It was NOT fun. That for sure.

--Chapter I - Chapter II- Chapter III Part I - Part II--

And now the story....

The Not-seen tumblr fan-fic Author’s

Nightmare BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2021

A cautionary horror story about fandom behaviours

It was a dark, stormy night….

Nah, just kiddin’…..And now seriously.

I wish I have never posted my fic.

I also wish, I have never complimented that other author.

Learning the hard way, how writing fandoms work on tumblr,, was not on my list of things to waste time for.

Also it’s horrible, how people who became popular fast, forget what it is to.….start.

And if those who know how it is can act that way, what to say about everyone else….

Disclaimer ( one of many): Here the story. No names mentioned. Read for warning, or don’t. it’s not only me though. It’s how writers are being treated most of the time.

Except the lucky few.

Those authors of fanfic you always see situated on TOP of the search of character and fic tags, and in the first couple of scrolls down.

Those names you read over and over again the loved and recommended ones.

And the rest - The rest is the void.

As for me - that’s me being done.

--The Not-seen fanfic Author’s Nightmare BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2021

The Beginning

Last year, December 2021 I posted Chapter 19 and Chapter 20 of my fic.

I was posting for almost half a year, and posted the chapters in a last attempt people to care. Needles to say - They did not.

My whole writing experience was summed to this:

Me: Trying half a year to get one comment or some engagement on my fic. Never do. Got fed up and depressed. Quit.

And all will be well, if it wasn’t for the “fast success” stories, and lies about fandom supportiveness, that were all around.

They also stuck in my mind after I was reading this all the time, and they were anything else - but the whole truth.

Yeah, won’t do that again. The next time I WILL KNOW HOW IT IS. NEXT TIME I see fanfics - I run like hell. No worries. Lesson learned.

But this time here the story.

(And some observations and research included)

( click for the shorter version)

I spent my whole 2022 year of fighting the consequences of my involvement with the writing part of the fandom.

And only because I thought to post one fiction, because I thought that I have some friends that will care....and that compliment I made to someone that went all wrong afterwards.

I should have stayed silent reader. I still think the fic was good, but sadly, all was ruined by the things that happened after and now I can't read because it became a triger. Too bad because it was great.

Then because of a popular writer, and a POLITE ask I sent to them not to use my DELETED content (gifs), some additional drama took place, and some unpleasant stuff happened.

And you may not care about me, my words or what I have to say, but you do forget that this - is MY LIFE YOU TALK ABOUT.

And wasted time that no one will give me back.

You at least have your friends to talk to. And all your followers that won't miss leaving comments under your fics, being vocal how much they love your writings, or art and engage with you in two-sided communication.

I don't think that you know how it is, not to have all that and any of it.

Otherwise you would have cared.

Anyways.

I was having a blog under the name agentalpha. I can't use that name anymore, because it reminds me of that fiasco and all my old stuff is marked with it so....

After 2021 and what happened at the end, I spent my whole 2022:

The first half in severe depression and constant panic and anxiety attacks

And the second one - in counseling, because that all was messing with my real life, and I developed PTSD and depression as a side effect, as they told me.

I decided to not come back. I had some doubts, but at the end there is nothing to come back for.

I decided to speak because:

I developed the depression and PTSD as a side effect....and needed counselling to get better.

I was never diagnosed with depression before that, so that's the side effect as they told me.

I have other limitations* which I will mention on the end.

And I think that people need to be more mindful towards the others, because you never know who is behind the screen. Being kind to all, not only your friends.

I wished people to be able to understand, that common courtesy rules and mutual respect exists for a reason.

-----

And before I go, I need to clear some things up.

Because I always adhere to common courtesy rules and Online Netiquette, and I find it very...unpleasant, when others do not. And then not even consider it.

HERE SOME THINGS, I WANT MAKE VERY CLEAR ABOUT ME, after NO ONE had the common courtesy to behave like an adult, and .... ask what's what.

1. I DON'T do HATE / OFFENSE

AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T .

I write fiction since 2007. I HAVE DEALT WITH HATERS.

I WON'T DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I'm also too old for petty dramas, and doing childish stuff like that.

And here, that's a screen of the ask I sent.

The one that lead to everything else.

See anything offensive?

NO. Because there is NOTHING OFFENSIVE.

* There was NO OFFENSE in none of my other posts either.

And that's because I do NOT DO OFFENSE/HATE.

Simple as that.

I prefer common courtesy. Thank you.

2. I NEVER interact with fiction that is not to my taste. In no way.

I keep to myself and I only interact with fics I like.

That's about it.

Here some more:

PERSONAL BOUNDARIES STATED POLITELY AREN'T OFFENSE

I COULD SLIP INTO ANXIETY ATTACK If I interact with certain contents. And I definitely love my ability to be able to breath.

I could read almost everything except things that contain some forms of abusive behaviour (including consent stuff).

I DON'T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIKES - kinks, and personal preferences included.

No matter how exotic they might be. I have my own likes, that might not be to someone else's taste. And I'm NO double faced a$$. Would you kindly not make me one. What people like is none of my business. It's not my business what they write on their blogs either.

Unless they think that they are better than everyone else, and have more rights than the others.

--

So would you kindly, before listening to gossips or whatever about someone else, FIRST go CHECK FOR YOURSELF WHAT IT IS, ASK THE PERSON YOURSELF WHAT'S GOING ON AND MAKE CONCLUSION BASED ON THEIR ANSWER.

That's the right thing to do.

And NOT DUMPING AND ABANDONING PEOPLE THAT SUPPORT YOU, AND LIKE YOU AND YOUR CONTENT, BASED ON MISUNDERSTANDING, INCOMPLETE DATA AND ( MAY BE) BAD MOUTHING BY ANOTHER.

( Tip: The popularity of one person, should not be your correct criteria to take action against someone else who is not.)

------

And before you read any of the posts here, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MORE ABOUT ME.

Things I don't mention, usually, but now I need to, because no one cares about common courtesy, mutual respect and other's people limitations:

I have social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria ( google it)

I get sensory overload by too much online interactions especially in online groups

I have hard time reaching to others even for friendships - online and otherwise

And after all that, and no one willing to ask or care....well you can guess for yourself

----

That's me being done. After I say what I have to I will be on my way.

I won't make other posts but I need to close accounts and tie up loose ends.

Those are NOT HATE posts.

Nightmare before Christmas 2021

(Pedro Pascal's writing Fandom Version )

*This NOT a hate post * I don't do hate * If you are offended by cynism, sarcasm and correct information - don't read. You are warned.* READ THIS BEFORE READING ANYTHING HERE *It's long but its about half a year*

Chapter I - Chapter II- Chapter III Part I -

Personal Not-seen Author's Hell PART II

--

And for additional rejection and invisibility flavor, to that already humiliating experience:

Person 1 also recommended Person 2's fic series.

Person's 2 fic was about the same character I was writing about.

Person 1 was also writing about that character.

--

Person 1 recommended the fic of Person 2 on their blog, leaving comments under every chapter, and the chapters, rebloging even the chapters that they still haven't read, and more.

That same December.....

Side Note: Don't tell me obvious stuff; I know it's their blog and all that.

But how people react to one, and not to another HURTS....bad.

And NOT only them, BUT EVERYONE.

Then I was watching, from afar, them both make "jokes" for something on a chapter of Person One fic.

Watching them being friends, besties or whatever you call it

And in obviously a deeper friend-besties-writers relationship, than "Thank you for reading my XXXX fic" what I was getting, usually.

( Note: I was mistaken to think that I'm something else than a number in an admirers list. And that's my mistake, at least partially.

I do apologize. Because after all, no one is obliged to be someone's "friend". That not a sarcasm.

And that's why I prefer my affairs with others to be clear start to finish. Which this time and in this case as anything else.... got all messed up....More about it at the end)

And back to the People:

Person 2 is like "Omg I will be a w****e for your fic for suree..."and stuff like that.....

Also other flattery, on other posts as when Person 1 was having followers celebration ......

And then, at the end, they get recommendations.....

Although, will be a cynic here:

What in the fic of Person 2 deserved the 400 notes at that time?

And not only by Person 1 but by all others. Because at the end I needed to read it, at least to some chapters because it had triggers in the others. And to see for myself why that fic is so...popular and why they get recommended.....And what I saw.... I won't comment. Is there anything else there, than that person being.....popular? Was that fic recommended for something else, and more, than you being BESTIE-writers as a reason?

Because really....

And because if they deserved that kind of attention......my fic did too.

By someone else of course. And after all there are so many OTHER PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM.

And as I said - I didn't want Person 1 to feel obligation to do something. What I was doing for them, was on my own free will, because I thought they might like it.

But my fic get nothing by no one.

-- And all that aside-- And last but not least:

No one else, from the entire fandom cared.

Except the ONE person that I missed, because of tumblr showing me not existing messages before that so yeah....... ><

But in general and unlike those people, I got nothing.

And there are so much more people like them - loved and liked and showered in comments and all that.

I saw those, while I tried to figure out why no one reads my fic the right way....and why I never get comments or engagement.....

Then I saw a particular comment by someone I know:

On a popular fic, containing text and a reaction gif, pointing towards the fact THAT in one chapter the POPULAR author .....changes the point of view.

Then all became clear to me.

I mean nothing as an fanfic author. And that's a simple fact though.

I also realized that:

NO ONE will even find my fic, because I'm not popular....

NO ONE EVER WILL RECOMEND ME, BECAUSE I'M NOT POPULAR

and because I'm NOT SOMEONE'S BESTIE.....

No one will comment.... because...no one gives a f* about me or my thing

And after no one wants to even show my fic exist to the others......that fic will simply disappear into the void.

Also - even if recommended, popular or not, you can NOT make others to read something. And that's logical.

And then - I also realized, and too bad not early enough,

that NO ONE will read my fic as it should be read.

Because, let be honest-

A fic with 10 likes, and no engagement, sinks faster than a stone, between all the:

"I' ma celebrate 5466756756756 followers nao, and mark my posts with all the characters of P. Pascal"...

And......

"I wrote that fic here, because of my amazing, talented bestie @ XXXX-name. Their version of PP character XXXX is amazing and ......"

Or......

"Check my best friends work and fiction !!!!111111 They are amazing talented, great, magnificent, absolutely best like eevveeer...The best person seriously and so best ......I just can't shut up about it NOW BOW DOWN peasants"

"Here a @ list of all the lovely peoples I met as a writer..@ name @ name @ name @ name @ name @ name @ name @ name @ name....And a lot more I will not mention.........Love you besties xxxooo..."

And between all the other post like this, posts by all the other people in that fandom, MADE DAY TO DAY, AT LARGE, IN NUMBERS,

THE NOT-popular people's fiction, goes straight into the void of fan-fiction oblivion.

And mind you - this one I gathered on one visit on the tags.

It was like this all that time.

I tell you that because I was spending my days on that tag....

Now imagine it in time. How is supposed a new author to be seen there at all.....

And after no one, from the ENTIRE FANDOM, would NOT care to engage, reblog, comment or at least recommend for the sheer visibility side of it......

There was no need to put time into it.

I should have never even tried.

Once someone mentioned Discord in one posts after I was dumped, in the beginning of the 2022 after New Year...

It became even clearer.....Like a secret club you are not invited to.

So people become closer and closer talking not only on tumblr but other places, and you are the one...who visits.

LMAO. Not funny

--

So, turns out....I never was any part of anything. Not really.

I was never considered for anything other, than some free source of gifs for as long I offer them.

Then once I don't....everyone will go to someone else who does.

I even saw some of those people "request" gif sets from someone offering them after....

The question is though:

WHAT IF.....IT WAS YOU?

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL, if it was YOU treated like that?

--

What made it especially hurtful :

All the people, and writers here, had no problem with using my work, and content - gifs, photos of P. Pascal, movie screens and etc., for their fics and all that, and all the time.

But when push come to shove, they pretended I don't write....or exist.

--

Because, there are so many people in that fandom....

DON'T TELL ME THAT AT LEAST 2 people WON'T LIKE MY FIC.

And I mean really like, and talk to me about it and engage and all that, and not LIKE slapping me.

-- And the cherry on the top - after all that.........that all triggered old traumas I thought I had forgotten.

Because:

I was trying to forget ANOTHER ONE SIDED FRIENDSHIP I HAD A YEAR BEFORE that damaged me.

And that was not the only triger I got...I was menially brought back to 4th grade when people were treating me like that. Dumping me because their better friend was more important.

SO I GAVE UP.

It became and was toxic, and I needed to get away.

And I have personal limitations so.....

--And while all that was happening backstage:

NO ONE again, not the fandom, not my followers,

NO ONE and not even for a second, asked me or themselves " What's up?", or "What's happening?"

No one cared.... WHAT'S. GOING.ON.

NOPES.

or anything else, that shows at least partial concern about me as another human.

For people, who write long and thoughtful essays on fictional characters feelings and behaviour, you seems to be quite....nonempathetic, toward another human.

----The Conclusion Part----

All everyone DID, and WAS DOING, was to be "offended" or not giving a f* about me at all.

People were "offended" by me not giving my deleted content for their fan fiction.

Also "offended" by my boundaries stated politely.

Whatever I was writing on my own blog, was "offending" them.

Because they sure acted like it.

And once again - See anything offensive? That's what I send to Person 2.

( yeah, I do screenshot my asks. Because....you know, people get..... "offended" and all that. 9_9 I write fiction since 2007. )

-- NO. Because There is nothing offensive here.

Also - Tumblr does not allow post cleaning, and even if you delete your OP they stay in others reblogs. If it did I would simply delete MY OWN STUFF AND BE DONE.

But NO.

I needed to ask other people. And they behaved like .....

All I wanted from Person 2 though was that:

All I wanted my deleted content not to be used.

And one (the most recent gif ) taken down.

Also:

I send them ask because they were the sole, heavy user of my content.

No one else was using my work for their fics THAT OFTEN.

I asked that all to be sorted in private

I sure as hell did NOT want confrontations of any sorts.

Once you tell them "no" though, their 12 -years old persona switches on and then next I know - Person 1 decided to dump me - for whatever reason they had. Because all I ever offered them was support.

And I did NOT deserve any of this.

Anyways.....

----Here to the "Thanks"------

Thanks to all of you, who dumped me amidst severe depression.

And especially the people, who rather reblog and like my Markus Pike post 200 times for it to not to be deleted when my blog would, instead of asking, if I am doing okay.

Because I WAS NOT DOING OKAY. NOT AT ALL.

I'm lucky though, that I don't like improper human behaviour more than I hate myself. Otherwise, well, you can imagine what someone else in that state could have done. And what could have happened ....would you now....

And a special mention, and what was especially cruel....

People, talking under one of my posts, and @ at each other, telling how much they miss one another, and how they thought about Person XXXX when the rebloged that post.

Talking there, like it is their private DMs.

Please google "tactful" .... Doesn't look like you know what it means.

And one of those people was one of those who promised to read my fic - but they didn't.

--

Then I got it - I don't have place in there.

Because for one - I do NOT tolerate that kind of behaviour.

I expect adult behaviour, and following common courtesy rules, from people who write adult content and topics.

-- And now Apologies--

However -- I do apologize for mistakenly thinking I'm more than a number in admirers list.

*And as much as I hate to admit it - it's PARTIALLY MY FAULT -

I would save myself a lot of trouble, IF I JUST LKEPT SILENT AND READ THAT FIC.

Instead of making fan stuff dedicated to my fave. author 's fic, because I loved it so much, instead of creating mood boards, edits and photomanipulations, special gifs for chapters and I was about to make a Spotify lists and something else I also did too, and adoring their writing in public only to be dumped with no second thought -

I should have stayed silent reader.

And next time, I will.

I also want to say that it's NOT a blame.

It was anomalous occurrence though and I wish I was not "part "of it.

--

It all would not happen if I stayed in the shadows.

If I did, I would at least I will finish reading the only fic I loved, which at the current point - I won't.

After that not needed behaviour, because someone else is More popular and they get better treatment and consideration......I simply can't. Because it became a triger.

So after all that search for a fic about that character to read.... It turns out there is nothing else.

--

It would have been more productive, and instead of enduring all of this, only because there was no one to warn me, and enduring all this....how was it...for "fun",

lying to myself that I'm important, or a friend, or crossing all my boundaries and limits to please others *

instead

I should have stayed silent reader. And next time - I will.

I usually encouraged people to interact with authors and comment, but after this all, that started as a compliment I made on someone's writing, I would abstain from such activities in the future and/or encouraging interaction with fanfics and their authors.

Let me clear something ( again):

I ONLY posted and I decided to share, because I thought that I had a couple of friends who will care.

I WILL NEVER post ANYHTING AT ALL, If I was informed, BEFORE I POSTED, what is what.

* Also - I have personal limitations and I need to watch what I do. I could slip into anxiety and/or panic attack otherwise:

I have social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria.( google it)

I get sensory overload by too much online communication and data ESPEACIALLY in online groups.

I have hard time reaching to others even for friendships - online and otherwise

And after all that....well.....you can guess for yourself.

I mind my doings but this time THERE WAS NO WAY TO KNOW SO I MADE A MISTAKE..

And If only people can understand that COMMON COURTESY and MUTUAL RESPECT exist for a reason.

--

And most deeply disappointing of it all, was that, apparently, I had no friends here.

And learned the truth the hard way.

Because what "friend". can sit at the side and NO even ask you in DM how do you feel?

And the answer is None.

I offered your fandom all I had to offer, my time included, and all you did - was to abuse your rights.

So, I think I'm done.

-- But think about it, though --

I had ONE FIC, and despite the fact that I care and a lot, it didn't mean that much to me.

I was never a "writer blog "per se.

But think of all the other authors, who are BEING TREATED THE SAME WAY.

Authors and writing is their passion, and they write all the time, and do more than me..... But get the same level of attention.

Also known as NOTHING.

Or 10-20 likes which is all the same.

They do exist.

I noticed them anonymously writing to blogs, and I would encourage them to groups speak all at once.

The fandom is NOT and SHOULD NOT BE A "DISCTATORSHIP".

It should be an open system of cooperation, with a freely flowing exchange of "energy" in all directions and opportunities for visibility for every type of author.

Right now, however, it's anything but...

It's nothing but a closed circle of circles....

It mostly contains closed friends groups and friend circles, cliques, fan fiction celebrities and elitists, and cults, catering to singular authors personas......

And the others - a lot of other people, who are being ignored, excluded and treated like they and their work don't matter.

But they do matter.

--

And if you can NOT speak freely, being not rude of course, and state your opinion or disappointment, or trying to fix things where they do not work.....well, what's the point ?

So we could watch "the same old movie" again and again - the story of favourites, and the "privileged", and THE LUCKY (tm) ones, cliques and social exclusion....

For..."fun"?

Thanks, but NO thanks.

In conclusion

My ONLY mistake was that I gave a fuck. And way too much.

Now I won't.

*--

That's me being done. I'm on my way.

That's NO HATE post.

Excuse the cynical sub-tones.

Tags explained: And now I will do - exactly- what everyone was doing all the time, in that fandom, and while I was here.

Because if they could ......

Nightmare before Christmas 2021

( The fanfic-writing Fandom of Pedro Pascal's ( I apologize to Pedro it's not his fault) Edition )

*This NOT a hate post * I don't do hate * If you are offended by cynism, sarcasm and correct information - don't read. You are warned.* READ THIS BEFORE READING ANYTHING HERE *It's long but its about half a year*

--Chapter I - Chapter II- Chapter III Part I --

The Not-seen tumblr Author's

Nightmare before Christmas 2021

Chapter III

PART I A Personal Not-seen Tumblr Author's Hell

I'm not jealous by the way.

And I say that, because sure someone would be nice enough to be an a$$ to mention it.

I saw that said to another author of your fandom. One I found while searching to find out why no one read my fic....

That person was someone, who was talking about a popular author ( another one and which name I will not mention), and some popular fic that everyone is crazy about.... 9_9

Then checked the popular person they were talking about, and ot of mere curiosity.

Their fics had......

up to 8000 Notes Under a chapter.

And a lot of engagement by engaged readers.

8 000 - That's right.

Ah well....

The disparity of attention the different authors get, based on personality cults, available friends and followers, social skills and sheer luck - is horrible.

-- Now about My fan fic

I personally had ONLY one fic.

I didn't expect much because it is one fic.

But I got even less.

AND FOR THE RECORD as a side note:

I can handle not being "popular". I also try to be a logical and reasonable person in my expectations.

But I CAN'T handle, being UNSEEN AND INVISIBLE to EVERYONE.

And I do mean, EVERYONE.

Except the 10 people that gave me a like.

While there is a public show meanwhile, and a public demonstration on a day to day basis, and in all of the tags, how loved and admired and adored the popular authors and their fics are. (all of them)

* And how many attention and engagement they can and get.

* And how many attention the fandom are able to give TO THE CHOOSEN FEW when they give a f*****.

And who-is-whose-bestie.

Because at the end, that it is what it is about......

mutual beneficial relationships.

And if you developed a true friendship, and not one based on that - YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST PERSON here. No sarcasm.

Now about my fic.

Excuse me but.....

I won't write 12 hours a day - yes I did - for some 10 likes and silence.

And I would not put effort, make mood boards, additional content and etc., ONLY for people to ignore me, my efforts, even despite the fact I give it for free.

And only to watch how those same people, go to someone else (not someone in particular), and leave comments, interact and engage for basically the same content as mine, written on the same level.

They interact with the others but not with me.

Why is that?

I sifted through tons of stories about that same character I was writing about.....from ménage du trois involving other character played by PP to that character being a d*mon.

....THEY ALL HAD ABOUT 200 NOTES......

And the author is usually:

"Oh, I have never written as that before...."

Or :

" I said I won't post but.....now I will post."

and etcetera....

I sat there and watched, after no one cared to engage with my writing I put my soul into...And I watched to see how fast others get their engagement and big notes....so to be sure.

And then they get 90 Notes for an hour, and then 200 at minimum in short time.

But not me.

I would not waste my time and share my writing, while every other person gets 200 notes as a rule.

And ONLY because they have more:

friends

followers

LUCK

better social skills

and/or people - other authors- flatter them, and engage ONLY to get attention to their own fics themselves.

Because you know it very well, that the ONLY way an author to become seen is to BE RECOMENDED BY POPULAR BLOGS,

And maybe UNLESS you have many followers...and engaged followers at that.

Because many people who don't give a damn are just that. Some numbers that do nothing.

Note: I did some online research by the way.......This is not my own opinion. Even though I do agree.

This the opinion of a lot of people, that I've read about, and now I'll sum it up here for you to think about.

And it all is NOT FAIR. And after all - this is a FANDOM.

IT COULD BE. AT LEAST PARTIALLY.

Things getting better though and however, is a group, fandom work and effort, that includes and requires all and everyone's effort.

And not ONLY that of handful if people.

Now about my fic. And why I felt so horrible. Here let me show you:

-----My ONLY fic------

This screenshot I'll post contains the sum of the...."feedback" I got on 10 chapters of my fic.

The screen is of 9 though. I can't make another one cause I deleted all I posted. It was always around 10....not counting mine...and those that were less.

So....10 chapters = 10 weeks of my time.

10 weeks of my LIFE I wasted. FOR NOTHING.

Not even having.....fun.

I had 20 chapters posted. Those are 10 of them, but it was the same for everything. It even had less notes, like 7 or something.

7 LIKES. 7 F* LIKES. L.I.K.E.S. Not comments. Not reblogs. Liiiiikeeeeees.

Wow. 7 people saw it.......9_9

AND THAT WAS IT. (except Chapter 1)

And no one helped. Not even tried:

Despite the fact it was and would be only one fic and I told that many times

And no one "volunteered" to help, in no way, out of the kindness of their heart at least

No matter that I asked for feedback

And no matter how many times I did

Also about constructive critics included

It stayed that way. Till I deleted it all.

Ah yes....

Part of my fic were PLAGIARIZED by someone who .... smarts plagiarizes.

That means that person X, goes through other people things and somehow absorbs things the person finds handy....then puts them into the fic they write. It was not only my fic though. That person X was getting 90 notes and more....So you know...

My stuff however....did not. My main reason to delete all. I didn't want my stuff to be used for such.... inspiration.

--Anyways back to the fic--

December 2021, was the time, when all the lines was crossed and whatever patience I had and used to have, had melted away.

I was already fed up from all the ignoring.

I was in the middle of severe depression, and self-loathing. My anxiety levels were off the charts, and was getting panic attacks while reading and writing fanfics.

And I was 20 chapters deep, and 20 weeks, to simply give up....

And it all just turned even more "horrendous"......

First

Since I started writing, since I started my own creative thing, to share with all, ONLY because I thought I have a couple of friends......

All those, "friendly ", otherwise people, however, somehow backed off.

And so did everyone else, in the writer part of the fandom.

And they started pretending, they do not see me and my thing.

And the rest of the fandom didn't give a fuck either; Person 1 and 2 included.

Although - I didn't expect anything from Person 1 for logical reason I will mention on some point....

Everyone else though.....

Note: I was allowing everyone to use my gifs and content at that point. So it's NOT that.

SECOND

The "Nightmare" before Christmas 2021

FIRST

As I said, I was in severe depression, still writing, still trying. And it all was.... an awful feeling.

Because I knew it deep town that it's pointless.

No one even cared to ask what's up.

And then the fandom people "helping":