y'done goofed, son

be sure to leave out milk and cookies for brutus tonight

You can leave as many cookies as you want but he’ll only et two

this remains the funniest addition anyone’s made to one of my posts

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

I wish every ad that takes you to app store or any site as soon as your finger accidentally touches it a very. bankrupt and die

red fucking alert if you’re currently experiencing a beautiful spring day after a long and brutal winter DO NOT TRUST IT this is NOT spring it is FALSE SPRING we still have SEVERAL WEEKS OF COLD do NOT let your guard down

just remembered the other day a teen approached me holding a rapidly melting chunk of ice in his hand and asked if i wanted to buy a "limited edition pet rock"

In this house we say "I heard words?" and then the speaker of the original thing knows to say it again louder (or say "talking to cat" or whatever, as applicable)

In this house, we just do the thing I mentioned, over and over mainly.

onto better things thursday

extremely good trope: injured character sees their own blood on someone else who's otherwise unscathed and gives a concerned "are you hurt?" double points if they're so injured they're barely lucid

they're trying to make you hate sex and porn and hate being fat again therefore it is imperative that all fatties fuck nasty in the streets 2day