Salt Queen

BREAKING: Ticketmaster announces it will put remaining Taylor Swift tickets in Wonka bars for five lucky children

The myth of Achilles, but instead of holding him by the heel, Thetis sumberges him fully so that Achilles is completely invulnerable and Thetis has one invulnerable hand.

She only needs one oven mitt when taking cookies out of the oven.

Truck?? Its a fucking bus dumbass

“population growth” is just a formal mathematical way of saying “how fast can people fuck?”

actually its more like “how much faster are people fucking than they are dying?”

fuck to death ratio

exactly

rate of smash and pass

how i’m tryna be

I love you, Winston

[video: a seal emerges from a hole in the ice to breathe. It yells “Ah! Woo!” then sinks back down]

The ahh was so much deeper and the woo so much softer than i could have expected i love it

you told me and i was still surprised

TOO FUCKIN’ phenomenal to NOT reblog!!!!

My upstairs neighbor is having really loud sex at 10:25am. And, while this feels like retaliation, I can only hope it mellows her out and she stops stomping around all the goddamn time

Wow in the time it took me to type up and tag this post, the sex started and ended…… she’ll prolly be vacuuming soon. 🙁

It’s 10:29 and the sex has ended. I am v sad for her

I feel like I jinxed her. Like her nigga follows me on here and saw this post, mid thrust, and got performance anxiety. I’m sorry, Upstairs Stomping Bitch.

There’s stomping. She’s up and moving around. And you know what….. I can’t even be mad anymore. If I was only getting fucked for seven minutes at a time, I’d stomp around too.

Damn I just heard her door close and then footsteps coming down the stairs. He left 😭😭😭 he’s not even gonna try again.

I’m gonna need ear plugs for the level of stomping this is bound to cause. When her feet inevitably crash through my ceiling ima just look through the hole and be like “hi…. sorry you didn’t get fucked down this morning. Even tho you filed a noise complaint on me that one time, I was rooting for you.”

Update y’all: it’s 3:10pm and she is vacuuming THE FUCK out of the hardwood flooring

But then like, that really does sound like something ppl that are in need of orgasm do. Just extremely unnecessary cleaning, to take their mind off the lack of sexual release.

It’s 12:26am and she is getting her back blown tf outttt. Cannot be the same nigga from earlier.

I have the strong urge to knock the broom against the ceiling and holler out “yaaas bitch get some bomb ass dick” but I don’t wanna fuck up the vibe

Nvm. It lasted from 12:20-12:28. It’s the same nigga.

She better not start stomping or cleaning. I’ll file a noise complaint so fucking fast. Imagine getting a noise complaint for shitty sex. Don’t do it, Stomping Upstairs Bitch

what a ride

Not for her, apparently.

DELETE THIS

I hate y’all cause I know when you post another pic that looks identical it means you edited some meme in the background but I can almost never find that shit so it’s like those find the difference games

how fucked up is it that this guy is such a prominent figure that we recognize him solely from his elbow