Official Explosion Department 💥💥

It was a bright, sunny day in the canyons of Shadow Canyons. Sonic and his friends were playing with leftover explosives from their adventure at Lowe’s. Explosion after explosion rang like fireworks on New Year’s. Sonic, being the adrenaline junkie he was, kept getting too close to the explosions each time one was set off. 

Shadow wasn’t happy with how reckless the Blue Blur was getting. If he wasn’t immortal, his boyfriend-rival-thing would have given him gray quills ages ago. There was that time with the Paradox Prism, getting kidnapped by Infinite in the war, apparently getting cyber-corrupted and accidentally unleashing an ancient evil… he’s almost died way too many times. 

Come to think of it, Sonic was a complete disaster incarnate— which couldn’t be helped. He was the hero of this world and other worlds too. Who was Shadow to say if he’s getting too reckless?

“Sonic, if you keep getting so close you're going to lose all of your quills, or worse, get yourself killed,” the edgelord huffed as he crossed his arms. 

Princess Elise giggled while braiding her girlfriend Miku’s long cyan hair with Amy, Cream, and Cheese.

“Oh, you know Sonic, he loves the taste of danger. It’s kinda his thing.”

“He’s like a cockroach, nothing can kill that hedgehog,” said Knuckles, munching on a cluster of grapes. 

Tails sets up the next explosive for Sonic to blow up while the conversation dissolves into everyone agreeing with Knuckles. Sonic takes the opportunity to run up to the high ground, above all of his friends, and make an announcement. 

“Since our favorite handsome hedgehog—”

“That's debatable!” Shadow interrupted from below. Sonic rolled his eyes.

“Anyway! Before I was rudely interrupted— your favorite hedgehog is betting that I could blow up all of these bombs and be perfectly fine.” 

“You’re just going to blow yourself up and look stupid, hedgehog. If you’re so eager, why don't you just go ahead and do it already? Saves us the trouble of having to deal with your sorry ass,” Shadow huffed.

“Oh ho, so you dare me to get myself blown up, Shads?” 

“I double dare you.” 

“Well, you have it here folks, a double dare! And Sonic doesn’t back down from a double dare. Not ever.”

Tails raised his hand in concern. “Uh, are you sure you should do this? It sounds very stupid, even for you, Sonic. And we do stupid stuff all the time.”

“Like I said little bro, Sonic doesn’t back down from a double dare.”

By Gaia, this was not going to end well. One by one, explosions went off with big bangs, each brighter than the last. The risk rose through the roof. Anticipation grew as the last bomb lit up. From up close, it’s like a supernova, and everyone averts their eyes. A thick cloud of smoke and dust swept away, but Sonic was nowhere to be seen or heard. 

Unbeknownst to the group, Sonic decided to take a nap in a cave, tired from zipping around all day. He could spare a few minutes to nap; it wasn't as if his friends would think he died on impact, right?

As the dust cleared and the debris settled, everyone held their breath for the inevitable emergence of an unharmed Blue Blur. Pieces of rock had scattered all across the ground. Shadow kicked one over, as if Sonic was waiting to pop up underneath it. 

“Fine, hedgehog,” he grumbled loudly. “You’ve made your point.” 

There was no answer. Elise finished tying off Miku’s braid and helped her girlfriend stand. Together with Cream and Amy, they joined Shadow in scouring the sooty terrain for Sonic. Cheese flew above their heads, doing his part. Exasperated sighs and grumbles turned to worried murmurs and faster digging as every upturned rock failed to produce a single blue quill. 

“He’s fine,” Shadow insisted. “Knowing him, he’s having a laugh at our expense. As usual.” 

“Oh, Shadow,” Amy said sympathetically. “This isn’t your fault. Just because you told him to blow himself up while standing in the middle of a suspiciously convenient minefield doesn’t make you responsible for this at all, I think.” 

Cream made a thoughtful noise. “I don’t think that’s going to hold in a court of law,” she said, wise for her age. 

“How would you know anything about law?” Shadow shot back, still thoroughly annoyed that Sonic was taking his sweet, sweet time letting them sweat. “You’re a baby.” 

Cream smiled at him serenely. “You’ll never know. It’s sealed and expunged.” 

“... Damn, kid.” Shadow’s voice was full of grudging respect. 

“SONIC!” came a terrible, grief-stricken wail. Shadow and Cream rushed to the source and found Amy kneeling in a pile of rubble, cradling a charred blue lump in her hands. “HE’S— HE’S—” 

“That’s a bluebell,” deadpanned Shadow. 

Amy hissed at him and cradled the charred blue lump closer to her chest. “Murderer.”

Elise clapped a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay to be in denial. There’s no right way to grieve,” she said solemnly, in a princessly voice. “The Kingdom of Soleanna will be happy to pay for the funeral expenses at a parlor of your choosing, Amy.” 

“Thank you,” sobbed Amy, wiping away a tear. “I can’t believe it. He was just alive and well a minute ago.” 

“That’s because he was,” Shadow said, incredulously. “That’s— Why are you holding a burned bluebell and talking about funerals?” 

Amy wailed in grief. “STOP DENYING THE TRUTH, SHADOW!” 

“There was a field of bluebells where you’re sitting before Sonic set off those explosions, Amy!” Shadow pointed. “That’s literally a leaf. Because it’s a bluebell.” 

“Come on.” Elise steered him away, ignoring his protests. “You’re negatively impacting each other’s energy right now. Give yourself some space to process your guilt,” she said kindly. “This was a terrible accident.” 

“I— there was no accident!” Shadow spluttered. 

“Careful, Mr. Shadow,” advised Cream. “Don’t say another word without a lawyer.” 

“I don’t need a damn lawyer because that blue imbecile isn’t dead!” Shadow raised his voice in outrage. “SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, COME OUT HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!” 

When there was no response, Shadow growled.

“I’m going to find that blue jackass, and you’re all going to see he didn’t blow up!” He skated away from everyone shaking their heads.

“He’s already gone crazy,” Amy lamented. She stood up, cradling the blue lump that couldn’t have been a flower in her arms. “So Elise, about that funeral…”

Because of Elise’s awesome princess power, a funeral was put together in the span of a day (thank you, fairly paid union workers), at the Soleanna Funeral Home. Invites were sent to all of Sonic’s friends, and even a few adversaries who couldn’t wait to piss on the eventual grave. Sonic’s remains were put in a coffin, which got bedazzled by Amy, Cream, and Miku so his trip to the afterlife could be glamorous.

The Chaotix were the first to arrive— a rare occurrence since their constant bickering about who would cover the gas bill this time always made them an hour late at least.

“I’m really gonna miss Sonic,” Vector said, wiping his eyes with a paper napkin.

“Yeah, now who’s gonna teach me to disregard the laws of traffic?” Charmy groaned.

Espio squinted at the bee. “Charmy, we’re having a conversation when we get home.”

Omega had to be shoved into the room through the parlor’s cellar due to his size, followed by Rouge and Mephiles.

“What in the world is that guy doing here?” Knuckles yelled, pointing at Mephiles.

“He needed a ride,” Rouge stated.

“I brought shovels to dig the grave,” Mephiles added, holding a comical amount of Lowe’s branded shovels in one hand.

“Well, I’m glad you came to pay respects either way,” Amy whimpered. “Come this way to your seats.”

“Such a shame that Shadow isn’t here,” Silver sighed, walking in with Blaze and Marine. “I thought he’d at least come here to gloat that he truly was the Ultimate Lifeform or something like that.”

“We all grieve differently, Silver. He’ll probably come back once the ceremony starts,” Blaze assured, sniffling.

Meanwhile, Shadow had no luck trying to find where Sonic landed after getting blown to the moon (and if he couldn’t find Sonic, by Chaos he would check the moon too).

He’d made it all the way out to the beach before pausing to consider his options.

“If I was an arrogant and cocky blue hedgehog, what would I be doing now?” he asked himself.

At that moment, he heard the sound of shoes running through sand. He whipped around, but nobody was there.

“Must’ve been the wind,” Shadow said. He scanned over the beach once more. A palm tree in the distance seemed to flash blue for a moment. Almost like…

Shadow walked up to the tree and checked up and down, all around. Nobody there.

“Sonic?” he finally called to the wind. “I know you’re there. If this is a prank you’re not being funny.”

Could that have been a ghost?

Shadow frowned so much he frowned squared— no wait, cubed— that’s how serious he was. There’s no way that could have been a ghost. Unless…

Like clockwork, an ethereal blue shade zipped by and encompassed Shadow in its chilling breeze. Despite his resistance, he eventually was forced to follow his body’s natural response and shiver.

With a feeling of tar sinking deeper into his gut, his air shoes flared to life as he opted to search someplace warmer. There was no use staying here any longer.

Then, in a blink of an eye, the metaphorical tar released its hold. Even as the scenery changed from the brown blur of the tree trunks to the blend of warm colored flowers, that haunting blue remained constant. With the tar (still metaphorical) now gone, his once trapped feelings were catapulted and struck with an impact too devastating to ignore. 

Shadow came to a sudden stop in a location that conveniently had dense foliage that a certain blue hedgehog could easily hide within.

Shadow stood still as he observed his surroundings, frowning to the fourth power when once again, there was no blue to be seen. It was the middle of June, so he couldn’t be convinced that it was a ghost unless…

Unless…

Oh.

Unless it was Sonic’s ghost haunting him because…

“I killed Sonic.”

The realization hit him harder than the fall from space. A swirl of complex emotions orbited him yet he felt he was anything but a bright sun.

Should he be smug? After all, he had been right about Sonic getting himself blown up. He had one-upped Sonic once again. Here, the ultimate lifeform still stood where Sonic did not. Why should he feel grief because of Sonic’s idiotic choices that lead to what Shadow had said would happen? It was the blue hedgehog’s own fault.

But it still felt wrong. Sonic shouldn’t have died like this. Not after all he’s survived.

Perhaps they still weren’t close enough for Sonic to know that Shadow had only been joking. Now they won’t ever be.

Stupid hedgehog.

With a huff, Shadow turned and sped off into the distance. He had a funeral to attend.

Unbeknownst to him, Sonic the Hedgehog— who was very alive and well— had been watching Shadow the whole time since he’d awoken from his nap. (Pro tip: thorny vines do NOT make good blankets).

Shadow could really use some hedgehog glasses. Sonic stood in front of him for like a solid half-second and yet Shadow still continued calling out his name and assaulting his very tired ears. He wasn’t even trying to hide!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. He wasn’t hiding at first, but then he heard Shadow say something about killing him— as if he’d ever be killed that easily by Shadow of all people— and sue him, he got curious about what the faker would say next.

So now that he knew Shadow thought he killed him, Sonic the FUCKING Hedgehog, the unkillable cockroach, let’s just say he felt a tad bit guilty. I mean, it wasn’t his fault he passed out for a while, but still. His friends must be pretty upset.

Holy shit, they were all totally going to kill him once they found out he was alive and accidentally pranking them. Oh god, he was going to die for real. If not by Shadow, then Amy was going to go full hulk on his ass and he’d be just as obliterated as the moon after Eggman pissed on it.

He hoped that maybe Tails would save him from the wrath of his situationships and slowly (well, not actually slow, more like an Olympic sprinter pace instead of light speed) made his way to his own funeral. He hoped they at least threw a sick party for him and bedazzled his casket.

…wait what would even be in the casket..?

On the other hand, Amy was getting dressed with Miku and Elise in their funeral attire. Going shopping helped her grief (thank chaos for retail therapy) and she bought the cutest black lace dress for the ceremony. Thankfully, she’d planned Sonic’s funeral long ago (just in case) and all she really had to do was help Miku and Elise out.

Miku looked in her element in dark clothing, though her bright teal hair was a stark contrast. Elise on the other hand, appeared a bit uncomfortable at the change in her style. She hardly ever wore black after all.

“Elise, I promise! You could totally go emo, it’d look super cute on you.” Amy reassured her.

Miku smiled giddily at that idea. “Yeah, you’d be the cutest emo girl...” Elise flushed and laughed.

“I’m glad you think so, and Amy, you could definitely go goth if you wanted.”

“Oh my chaos, I should… I already listen to the music anyways.”

“Oh! Speaking of, what should I sing at the ceremony?” Miku asked.

“Hmm… What did you release most recently?”

“Confessions of a Rotten Girl.”

“That’ll be fine, Sonic would be fujo-ing out in heaven anyways.”

Miku and Elise snorted, nodding their heads.

“Type shit,” Miku replied.

Amy stood after finishing her eyeshadow, “Well, the funeral will be starting soon– we’d better go and get seated.”

The three held hands and skipped outside together, trying to stay whimsical despite going to a funeral.

Shadow was finally there, with Tails and Tania, who both looked… weirdly neutral? Amy would’ve thought they’d blow something up by now.

“Hey guys, you uh, doing okay…?”

Tania chewed on some bubblegum. “He’s not dead, I’d bet my entire allowance on it.”

“Exactly,” said Tails, “besides, even if he was dead, he’d come back, like in 2006.”

“I don’t want to think about that, you guys continue going through the stages of grief ‘kay?”

“Tails would’ve built a bomb if he was actually grieving.”

“That is very true.” 

They all took their seats together as people continued to filter in. Blaze sat down next to Amy with her head turned away. Amy put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Blaze, I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to you. Are you..?”

Amy trailed off as Blaze turned to look at her. Her face was red, and her eyes were puffy. A bit of snot dripped down from her nose.

“...Here,” Amy said, picking up the nearest box of tissues and handing it to her. She took out a few and blew her nose so loudly it sounded like an explosion.

The seats filled quickly. Tangle, Whisper, the Babylon Rogues, Surge, Kit, Margaret, a few suspicious individuals seated beside Cream, a whole bunch of tiny kitties (cranes, were they?)… basically everyone Sonic had ever met and then some were there. 

…Including a shocking number of villains. With every passing minute, more would walk through the door, some they hadn’t fought in years. All of Sonic’s friends tensed, expecting some big fight to break out at any minute, but most of the villains looked just as teary-eyed as the heroes.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Bean said.

“I can’t believe I wasn’t the one who did it,” Infinite grumbled.

Miku raised her eyebrows. “Aren’t you dead?”

“I wouldn’t miss the chance to say good riddance,” Infinite replied, which clarified nothing. “Besides, they’re using my grave for him! Mine! One more thing he’s taken from me…”

“You know, I’m surprised Eggman isn’t here,” Elise commented.

Amy looked around. “Oh, now that you mention it, you’re right. I expected he’d be here fuming because it wasn’t his fault.”

Shadow winced at the mention of fault. “He’s probably as in disbelief as the rest of us,” Miku sighed.

At last, the time came for the ceremony to start. Mephiles stood from his seat and went to the podium. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Sonic the Hedgehog,” he began.

Amy frowned in bewilderment. She leaned over to whisper to Elise. “What’s he doing? Where’s the funeral director?”

“He is the funeral director,” Elise whispered in response. “He’s been working here for a few years now.”

Amy didn’t know what to do with that information. That explained all the shovels, she supposed? Well, he seemed to be being respectful, so she would let it slide, at least for now.

“Before allowing some of Sonic’s friends and family to speak, I’d like to begin by saying a few words myself,” Mephiles continued. He cleared his throat and pulled out a large stack of notecards. “Sonic was many things. A hero, a friend, an enemy, a pain in the ass, a scourge on this world, a—”

He turned to gesture to the makeshift casket beside him and immediately broke off. The withered blue contents, supposedly what remained of Sonic the Hedgehog… He narrowed his eyes. Was that a fucking flower? What kind of stupid setup was this?

Whatever. It’s not like he could stop the funeral. Sonic was such a weird guy that Mephiles couldn’t be surprised if he turned into a flower upon death. And if that wasn’t Sonic? Not his problem. He’s just there to give the speech.

Mephiles flips to the second notecard and clears his non-existent throat before looking up… and pausing, again. Okay, what the actual fuck?

Behind a conveniently placed column behind all the funeral-goers, a very familiar face peeked out. Mephiles couldn’t see his expression clearly, but those annoying blue quills were instantly recognizable.

The long, awkward silence was starting to make a few people shift in their seats, gaining Mephiles quite a few glares from the mourners. Amy not-so-discreetly coughed into her fist and hissed, “Continue?”

Mephiles resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Sorry. As I was saying, Sonic was many things. He is also right there.” He points at the column and everyone’s head whips around. Sonic gives an awkward wave.

“Uh… hi, I’m alive?”

Suddenly, the silence was not so silent. Notable voices from the crowd include a wide array of people screaming Sonic’s name, Miku singing a high note of surprise, and Tails and Tania fist-bumping while shouting “I KNEW IT!”

The loudest by far was Shadow launching himself over everyone in a spectacular flare of Ultimate-Lifeformliness with an absolutely pissed-off “YOU. I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”

Sonic lets out a panicked laugh. “Uh… haven’t we established that that’s a bad idea? C’mon Shadow, please.” He’s cut off when Shadow pounces on him like a cat, a sound strangely like a bobblehead replacing his words as he’s shaken at light speed.

It’s then that the villains remember they’re villains. Thankfully, there are enough of them trying to jump Sonic at the same time that they end up fighting each other on who gets to kill him first. A cartoonish plume of dust rises from nowhere to obscure the all-out brawl that breaks out. For some reason, the (quite vicious) crane-kitties join in as well. Several chairs are thrown into the mix, some of them by Silver’s psychokinesis. If Shadow didn’t have both hands busy throttling Sonic, he probably would have pulled out a gun.

“Guys, girls, ladies, gentlemen, people outside the gender binary… Y’ALL! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Everyone freezes and looks at Amy. The dust cloud dissipates and reveals a few villains in very compromising positions on top of each other. Shadow even stops choking Sonic. After all, no one messes with the wrath of Amy Rose.

“Much better,” Amy says. “Now—”

A spew of dramatic music cuts her off. Eggman lands on the stage, cackling like the evil genius he is. “Now that I have your attention,” he announces proudly. He doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because Amy slams her hammer into the side of his Eggmobile.

“You’re late,” Amy deadpans. Eggman crosses his arms and pouts.

“I am perfectly on time! You see, this was all a part of my plan.”

“A part of your plan?!” Amy fumes, gripping her hammer tighter. “This was supposed to be a nice funeral! Now we have people fighting, the one who was supposed to be dead is alive and getting choked by his sort-of partner, and now you’re here messing everything up with your ‘plan’ that's probably as stupid as your receding hairline! You couldn’t even bother to show up on time for it, you CUNT!” 

Everyone looked stunned at what Amy just said. Oh, she was PISSED. Infinite startled and nearly fell out of Mephiles’s arms. Of course, he wasn’t afraid or anything, no (this guy really needs therapy and a chill pill). Shadow looks at Sonic and they agree that Sonic may die for real by Amy’s hand, and she will get away with it.

Eggman fumbled to get any words out. He was behind schedule for the plan, what with Amy rudely interrupting his mojo. He pulls out some index cards and flips through them in an attempt to regain control of the situation.

“Father,” Sage says through his console, “I believe the plan was to blow-” 

“Not now Sage, Daddy’s busy trying to get the right words for his villain speech,” Eggman said, then unceremoniously tossed the cards aside before clearing his throat.

“You see, I run this damn funeral house! I devised a genius plan to blow this place to high heavens, exactly where all of you rodents and two human girls should be! There is a live bomb in this casket ready to kill all my beloathed enemies in one fell swoop!”

For a moment, everyone was too stunned to move, ally and enemy alike. Except Shadow, who restarted the process of strangling Sonic until he turned blue as his quills. He didn’t seem aware of his surroundings. Ah, young love. 

Mephiles glanced at the coffin, glanced at Infinite in his arms, then at the coffin again. He threw him into it like a graverobber disposing of a shovel. He wasn’t getting paid enough to deal with bombs. He figured Infinite would provide enough buffer to let him escape if it blew up in the next five seconds. He dove into the shadows. 

“Coward!” Amy shouts. 

Miku suddenly materializes a microphone. She lifts it to her lips and her voice amplifies, shaking the walls. “MY GIRLFRIEND WORKED HARD TO PLAN THIS FUNERAL!” she roared. “YOU’RE GONNA REGRET CRASHING IT, EGGMAN!” 

The vibrations of her amplified Vocaloid voice caused something of an earthquake in the funeral home. The coffin jiggled dangerously. Infinite held onto the edge like it was a boat being rocked by the sea. The floor rumbled and several chairs fell over, with people still in them. One of Cream’s bodyguards started shooting at the walls. A stray bullet bounced off a lamp and smacked into the darkness that was sneaking away from the scene. Mephiles toppled into a vase of mourning flowers with a disgruntled pop, sticking the landing feet-first. Infinite cheered vengefully, then noticed where he was sitting, seeing the bomb that was steadily ticking down to destruction.

“GAH!” He scrambled out of his coffin for the second time in as many days, posthaste.

“S-Shadow! Shad— GEK!” Sonic chokes out, right as the Ultimate Lifeform knees him in the gut. Thankfully, he stops getting strangled. Un-thankfully, he starts coughing his lungs out and still can’t breathe.

Shadow scowls at the not-dead hedgehog. “Fix the problem and I’ll kill you later.”

Sonic throws a thumbs up before rolling over to Amy, who is very pissed off and being (unsuccessfully) comforted by Elise. “There, there. At least you get to host another funeral for when Sonic actually dies.”

Said hedgehog coughs into his fist. “Maybe check the casket for explosives and check the funeral house for Eggman next time?”

Amy glares at Sonic with hellfire in her eyes. “I’m gonna kill you myself!”

“Line up,” Sonic smirks. “Shadow’s first.”

“HELLO? IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?” Eggman shouts into the microphone. It emits a horrendous screech and he drops it with an arguably worse screech of his own.

“We’re paying attention now,” Tails grumbles. He peeks into the bomb casket. “Yeah, I can’t disarm this thing fast enough. Sonic?”

Sonic mock salutes Tails and dives for the microphone before it rolls off the stage. “EVERYONE OUT UNLESS YOU WANNA GET BLOWN TO BITS FOR REAL!!”

“I WOULD LIKE TO BLOW BITS,” Omega says. His cannon arm extends.

“Blow bits outside, hun,” Rouge sighs. She waves at the mass of villains screaming in terror and shoving each other out the door. Infinite is trampled in the chaos and she holds back a laugh. “Especially at them.”

“ACKNOWLEDGED.”

Outside, Miku and Elise count the people who actually matter. “I think that’s everyone,” the princess says.

“Wait, where’s Sonic?” Amy asks.

Tails raises his hand. “He’s trying to disarm the bomb.”

“He doesn’t know how to disarm bombs!!”

Tails blinks. “Right…” On cue, everyone turns to look at the building. On cue two, a huge explosion rips through, shattering all the glass and painting the air with smoke and fire.

“SONIC!” Amy screams. “SONIC, IF YOU DIE BEFORE I KILL YOU, I’LL BRING YOU BACK AND KILL YOU AGAIN, YOU BITCH!!”

Silence. 

Amy deflates. Cream starts crying and Tania hugs her. Elise and Miku hug each other. The villains stop their second brawl to stare, and wait. Not even Eggman says a word.

“Phew, that was a big bang, huh?” Sonic says, somehow popping up in the middle of the group. Everyone turns to him slowly.

“Uh… guys? I feel like I’m in danger.”

“BECAUSE YOU ARE!” Amy and Shadow shout in tandem. They pounce at him and he lets out a quiet meep before running for his life.