Bite me

The Hunter Barnhouse | more here

“Io ti ho aspettato tutta la vita” “Mi sa che mi sono innamorata di te”

men’s soccer teams:

- if the turf is just one micro inch too hard then we won’t play. (based on the last tweet on this post) it must be soft as a feather mattress, or i will forfeit my team from the match. do you hear me? I WILL FORFEIT MY TEAM FROM THE MATCH IF THE TURF ISNT AS SOFT AS A FUCKING FEATHER MATTRESS! HEED MY WORDS!

- *during a game* OH UMPIRE UMPIRE RINALDO FROM THE OTHER TEAM TRIPPED ME OVER!!!! WHATEVER WILL I DO?? HE PLAYS ILLEGAL MOVES!!! THE SCOUNDREL 😫😩!!! CAN I HAVE A PENALTY KICK??? PWETTY PWEASE 🥺🥺 *big dramatic crying session from fred starts and then ends two minutes later when fred who was supposedly “tripped” has had his penalty kick. fred is, in fact, completely fucking fine with his skinned knees. fred scores no goals though*

women’s soccer teams, on the other hand:

- ugh the harder turf sucks but we’ll still play. but also. we’d LOVE to have the ever-so-soft turf that our seemingly ~more delicate~ male colleagues do. when the fuck will you fix that, fifa?

- *a teammate during a game* SHIT! FUCK! SARAH YOUR ANKLE IS LITERALLY FUCKING SPRAINED OR BROKEN PLEASE SIT OUT JESUS FUCK THAT LOOKS BAD. *sarah, through gritted teeth* no. fuck that, ella. i’ll play for as long as i fucking can, so help me fucking god. if i get a penalty kick so help me fucking god i will kick it in the face of that bitch leslie from the other team who pushed me the wrong way. *sarah ends up getting the penalty kick (but missing the bitch on the other team leslie bc ~sportsmanship~). she gets carried out on a stretcher with a green whistle with painkillers, after she played for 10 more minutes on a shattered ankle/achilles tendon; after doing the penalty kick. she even scores a few goals during her 10 extra minutes of play*

- also yeah period pain but who gives a fuck about that when you’ve essentially shattered your ankle and played on it anyway

meanwhile, most men watching soccer are like: women? play soccer? girls don’t know what to do about anything sports! sports for men only! why let the women *sneeringly* play???

Crystal Shelves