We need to break up
For a while now, I’ve had a very toxic mindset about our relationship. I don’t necessarily hold on because I love you or us. I chose us , I chose you, over something that could’ve been beautiful. Over someone that was starting to make me feel whole. And for a while I just told myself it has to work because I chose this.
I meant it when I said that some times I feel like you don’t like me. I can’t help how I feel that way. Sometimes the way you act or speak to me doesn’t necessarily give the feeling of actually liking me. And it’s your birthday this weekend and we’re together but why am i questioning whether or not I’m invited to your birthday dinner? Why am I sitting in my car eating cottage cheese and rice cakes? Why do I feel like if I show up it’s just gonna be awkward or like I’m intruding on something I wasn’t supposed to?
And yeah…I know I don’t party or drink like that..I’m kinda boring since being completely sober but I still wanna feel like I belong. You have this complicated life and big responsibilities and I just don’t know where I fit into all of that. Sometimes I feel out of place in your life or with other people we talk to. Sometimes I truly feel that if we weren’t together people wouldn’t talk to me or even think of me.
I didn’t like make anything of it when my birthday came around but like…I was kind of hurt that you didn’t really think of me. Like I don’t know I’ve been stressing over what to get you and it doesn’t feel good enough. But I don’t think you put much thought into my gift or birthday at all. Just something you’d get on a grocery trip. And it’s not the gift itself , it’s very useful I’m sure. It’s the lack of effort or thought that went into it. And I already feel so alone and lonely on my birthday. But I put a stupid amount of effort into anything revolving around you.
We need to break up. But sometimes I just don’t want to deal with what happens after the break up.
