Thoughts and Poems

Why is it that sometimes people we don't really know still occupy our thoughts? We saw each other three times and built something up over the years that was pure fantasy. And yet you were always my "what if." And always in those moments when I'm alone, when I care and miss someone, you come to mind. Which is silly because we have no contact anymore and we don't know each other. We know nothing about each other. And yet you're still swirling around in my head. I don't know if it's because there really was something there, that missed opportunity, or if I'm just clinging to something that isn't there to avoid sinking into loneliness. Then I imagine we'd see each other again. Just one more time.

I go on these dates. I tell my friends about them and try to see them as funny stories or anecdotes. But at the end of every story, there's a hesitation in my smile. It's never enough. There's always that last little bit missing. And yet I keep going. I don't want to give up. I want to believe that there's someone out there who will let me continue the story.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what we were thinking. I think we both ignored that there is no hope for us. There was never a future but we didn't care for the moment. But you can't ignore what lies ahead forever. Then came the end for us. Hard and ugly. A pain that spread in me. Suddenly it was over. The bubble burst and I'm alone again like always.

I didn't know where this was all going. Two different cities. Two completely different lives. I was scared of where this was all going, but I was even more scared that it wasn't going anywhere. That the path ends out of nowhere and that the end lies before us. I still don't know where this is leading us. All I know is that you make me smile and that maybe, just maybe, being in the dark isn't a bad thing. For a little while yet.

Sometimes we think too much. Sometimes we stop enjoying the moment because we are thinking about the future. We worry about things that haven't even happened yet and maybe never will. Not everything needs a plan and certainty. It scares you and you can hardly stand it. But try. Let yourself drift.

There was this boy who hurt me. I thought I didn't care but at the party when I saw him I knew I was just lying to myself. But then, when I least expected it, you suddenly stood in front of me. I was totally drunk but you were like a huge light that appeared in front of me. You made me laugh, danced with me, kissed me, lifted me up and made me feel alive again. I thought that was it, I'll never see you again. But we met a second time. Talked for hours. Everything was so perfect. Too perfect. I snuggled up to you. On this big broad shoulder to lean on. But it was too perfect. You weren't from here. The distance was too great and so of course for the first time everything was so perfect with one man that there had to be the one big catch. I don't know how to proceed now. All I know is that I miss you

We were never together. We never kissed. Never told us our secrets and desires. It's been three months since I layed in your arms. I shouldn't care. You hurt me and I'm moving on. But you haunt me like a ghost. I see your face in the crowd. Smell the familiar scent of your perfume. You're invading my head and my thoughts. Can't leave me and my friends alone. You show up everywhere I am and ask me if I'm still mad at you. What do you expect? You say I hate you and I tell you that I never hated you. But where is all of this going to take us when you haven't even apologized and your hands are still on other women.

There was this boy. Nobody special. We were drawn to each other like magnets. Our story began. Light and floating. Soft touches at parties in the fluorescent light. Laughter echoed off the walls. But you put your arms around other women too. When I asked you about it, you called me jealous. I forgave you. We were drawn to each other like magnets. You wanted me to come to you. You wanted it so badly and I said yes. Laid in your arms all night. I felt safe even though everything in me resisted it. I was so scared. You drove me home the next day. When I got out, I didn't know that it was already over. Just a message on my cell phone. That's all I got. You can't commit at the moment. I almost expected it and my heart broke into a thousand pieces anyway. Coward. Before I could tell you how scared I was of a relationship and of opening myself up completely to someone, you took every opportunity and ripped my heart out. As everyone has done before you. Now you're just a stranger and I'm picking up all the pieces by myself again.

I'm alone most of the time. I'm fine with it. I don't really mind. Usually. But I'm lonely too. Suddenly I get sad that someone doesn't want me anymore. Although I have no feelings for this person. I long for affection and love. Someone who accepts me for who I am. Someone who loves everything about me. But I don't think I'll find anyone. Who could love everything about me?

We're friends but nothing more. Can't describe what it sounds like to hear this sentence for the 1000th time. How I feel a little pang in my chest. How I keep smiling like it doesn't hurt me never to be someone's first choice. It's never been love. Nobody has ever wanted more from me. I'm starting to wonder if it's even possible to love me. Am I more than just nice? Someone you get on well with. Can you see more in me? Can have deep feelings for me. I want to believe in it so badly. But every new experience comes with another push. Until I fall into the abyss.

Conan Gray - Memories

After all the time that has passed. Do you still think you can make decisions about me? You have never been interested in me. You didn't give a damn. You broke me. Wanted to leave everything behind. But now you're the one who can't leave it behind. It bothers you when I talk to other people. I gave you everything and you gave me nothing. you broke me. You stretch out your hands to me. But believe me you can't reach me anymore. So get out of my life.

happier than ever (Billie Eilish)

Today is the anniversary. It was different this time. I almost forgot that day. Like it didn’t matter. But it does.  Am I slowly forgetting you too? That scares me. I'm so afraid. It's been seven years. Seven years... That's not real. As if time was just an absurd construct and nothing more.

Everything remains unsaid.

The real world that surrounds me is sometimes hard to bear. Every second, every sentence hurts me. I just want to go. So I lose myself in my imagination. In which I feel good and I surround myself with people who love me. Who actually love me.