A Moose's Mumblings

My brain IMMEDIATELY began scripting a screwball comedy in which a broke millennial who desperately want to finish his long-abandoned degree but is drowning in student debt pretends to be a senior citizen in order to attend college for free.

I’m picturing someone Channing Tatumesque, applying age makeup every morning before he heads off to class. It’s sort of a cross between 21 Jump Street and Mrs. Doubtfire. He keeps forgetting which hip is supposed to be his bad one. His classmates laugh every time he uses slang. There’s definitely a scene where he attends a college party and busts it up on the dance floor.

Our Hero is stuck in a job where he keep seeing people get promoted past him because they have a 4-year degree and he doesn’t. He can’t afford to go back to school until he finishes paying off his student loans for the degree he’s one semester from completing. If he got the promotion he wants he could pay them off a lot quicker. But he can’t get the promotion without the degree.

Along comes a clerical error in his almost-alma mater’s records which lists his birth year as 1948 instead of 1984. He gets a call from them about their “free tuition for seniors” program. “Wow, that sounds amazing!” he says. “I’ll be sure to tell my, uh, grandpa, as soon as he gets home.”

It’s one semester. If he can keep up the charade, he’ll have the degree, get the promotion, pay off the student loans. Hell, if they figure it out after the fact and come after him for the tuition, he’ll be able to afford it by then. He just needs to pass as a 70-year-old until graduation. How hard could it be?

His best friend (Chris Evans? don’t judge me) thinks this plan is insane. Our Hero is going to get caught. But Best Friend does have a little sister who’s a professional makeup artist, and she does know how to do age makeup. 

She also thinks this plan is insane– people at Alma Mater aren’t stupid! Someone will notice! But she’s game to try, and it’ll be great practice for her. 

She tells her aunt about this insane plan at a family dinner a few weeks later. “I mean, it’ll never work,” she says. “But I kind of want to see him try.”

“Uh-huh,” says her aunt, only half listening. She’s distracted for a reason, though– she’s going back to school, her first big independent decision since her husband died. Classes start soon! She’s excited, but also nervous.

Wackiness, obviously, ensues.

(at the end of the movie: “Am I technically your uncle now?” Our Hero asks. 

“NO,” both siblings say in unison. “She’s our aunt by marriage! That’s not how this works!”)

(also, someone in the notes suggested “Senior Year” for a title, which is PERFECT.)

Me:

tumblr: oh! so he’s gay!

writer: uh…no, he’s attracted to women.

tumblr: ….so he’s bi!

writer: uhh…no…….he loves his guy friends but he’s not romantically/sexually attracted to them.

tumblr: ….so you’re homophobic.

writer:

for not reblogging it sooner.

orange and pink pumpkins requested by Starry on my patreon

black and white cat & tortoiseshell cat requested by Peter Jordan on patreon