michelle obama (amiright?)

good morning to bisexuals, halloween enthusiasts, she/theys, community college students, people who shoplift at walmart, goths, eldest daughters, gay baristas who get mean when it’s busy, phoebe bridgers stans, vodka drinkers, men with curly hair, people who listen to classical music on public transit, and professional dog walkers

You are angry about something. “Clam down,” I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell

i can’t believe i really get to spend my whole life loving women. i really don’t have to end up with a man. thank god!! thank fucking god

*cowboy vlogger voice* and if ya fancy, hit that there like button. and hell, while yer here, give that subscribe button a click too

My roommate is a neurologist and has to do this check all the time. Her all-time favorite so far has been “ay dios mio” during which the woman was vigorously crossing herself.

lol me too , lady

me, thinking about how deeply flawed the modern world is: this shit is bananas *deep sigh* b - a - n - a - n - a - s  :(

Me reading from my google translate app trying to communicate to my great grandma

I find it ridiculous that we still use “Horsepower” as a unit of measurement in this day and age. It means nothing to me. I have no idea of how much power a horse has and I’m frankly terrified to even contemplate it. 

dont get why teeth need nerves and shit in em. dont know why i cant just have my mouth rocks obliterate my food without them making me feel like there are wasps inside my gums desperately trying to get out every time i eat something with more than a teaspoon of sugar or anything 10 degrees above or below room tempurature