lover of butches

The overwhelming response was, while well-meaning, sorely disappointing and along the lines of "of course trans women are women, 'woman' is ultimately a meaningless category, you can be whatever you like".

It was such a profoundly sobering experience because I realized that most people have framed their conception of trans rights around owning bigots and dunking on them in arguments instead of an affirmative understanding of trans marginalization, a comprehension of the struggles we face in a cissexist, patriarchal society, or even a basic familiarity with how we are seen and regarded and treated institutionally.

'Woman' is not a meaningless category in a patriarchy. It is a positionality, one that trans women undoubtedly occupy, and most cis people--even allies, even the ones who believe they want to do right by us--do not fundamentally accept the premise that we actually inhabit this position and navigate society as women.

It's an epistemic chasm I don't quite know how to cross, which is unfortunate as I've inadvertently dedicated my life to doing so. Ascertaining just how wide that gap in understanding is was alarming, if necessary.

Butch chivalry is not defined by ability to provide. OFOS femme behaviors are not based in the idea that we are meek house wives. OFOS is a dance in how we treat each other in our relationship, and it is not based on relative job/not job status.

There are butches and studs who cannot work or are underemployed who consider themselves OFOS. They are no less OFOS because they cannot “provide.”

Femmes who earn more are no less OFOS/traditional than those who are housewives. Femmes who CANNOT work, including meaningfully keeping a home as a homemaker, are also no less a traditional/OFOS femme.

My last thought here (as a 34 year old, disabled, OFOS femme in a 15 year+ relationship, who is not an elder but is experienced in being in an OFOS butch femme relationship) is that there is nothing more dangerous as a young person in these spaces than being completely dependent on one person. You need to be able to leave and take care of yourself if your partner turns out to be toxic or abusive. You need to have your own money if something happens to your partner or they leave you. Being able bodied is not inherently a permanent status for you or your partner, and you need to know how to provide for yourself (via accessible employment or access to support services) in order to ensure your own safety and future. If your “traditional” relationship actually looks like a high control situation, then that’s not OFOS, it’s financial abuse. Please take care of yourself.