Hiiiiiii

everything came to a bang recently with matheus, i feel like. i have felt unwanted and unloved for a while now. every time he comes to visit i feel drained and it’s impossible he doesn’t feel it too. A year ago he came to visit for his cousin’s wedding and we hung out but he barely spoke to me and brought other friends to our dinner which i thought was weird and uncalled for. I do not like those people and they don’t seem to care for me that much either, which is fine. but don’t show up with them unannounced. it happened again the day after and it just genuinely made me sick to my stomach lol i had to excuse myself and leave early because he couldn’t even pretend to give a fuck about me. gio has been brewing this resentment against him which has made sad and uncomfortable even though i think it’s warranted. she gets angry while i just get sad and blame it on myself. but i really don’t think i’m being that unreasonable

every time he visits we see each other less. and today we hung out without him while he’s in town. which i guess must have hurt his feelings and i feel bad for it. but we barely talk. i feel like we’re holding onto something just for the sake of it, because it’s routine. he visits and we see him. but i never feel like he really wants to hang out. he always complains about everything. Uber fares, the traffic, the loudness. like i get it, you don’t like it here but don’t make this a bad time for everybody.