here there be SPOILERS

No you guys DON'T UNDERSTAND-!

Just. Danny! Only Danny! He fucked up. Some ancient Warring States Ninja fucked up. They BOTH agreed to NEVER talk about it again.

Cause like? That ninja? Was a GROWN ASS MAN. A qualified BAMF of the highest order. He WAS the Danger, thank you very much. So, he? Will NEVER live down being saved by...well...

*holds up wildly struggling, noodle limbed, sad wet raccoon havin a terrible day lookin, meat thresher on legs*

THIS.

It's a BABY. Honestly, his Clan's TODDLERS know how to throw better punch. This scrawny infant baby child is both? His new son. AND an embarrassing trainwreck in motion. FFS kid, that's not how you- No! NO! Don't you DARE bite that opponent! You don't know where they've B-!

Kid they could have BEEN POISONED!!! Spit um OUT! DROP UM! Drop that RIGHT NOW! What are you? A dead Inuzuka? A god forsaken Hatake!? DROP IT!!!

It...sure is An Adventure™.

One of many early "here's how you DON'T make a Summoning contract" experiments, that Clans without seal masters were attempting. He's honestly lucky HIS attempt ended with him still... you know... ALIVE. Problem, though? After bunking for like... a few months? A year? In the command center?

And you know, terrorizing the GIW into complete collapse. Parenting him through some pretty serious life changes. Somehow making Sam MORE terrifying. And a whole host of off screen ninja shenanigans? They figure out? Oh. Only way to send him HOME is to either accept or refuse a Contract.

They gotta make one.

First they head to Frostbite for a recommendation, then? Off to a reputable Ghost Lawyer they go! They have to camp in the waiting room for like... a week. But? Worth it! The contract is AMAZING. And terrifying! Protects them both. Can't be used against EITHER. And that loophole you're thinking off? Ten pages worth of point 4 script, twenty three yards down, for why it's a BAD IDEA and breaks contract~!

Neither of them can make the other do SHIT! Only fully consensual, mutually beneficial, ass kicking here! If we FEEL LIKE IT!

Ninja dad insisted. Never sign a contract with anything less then extreme paranoia, kid! Leave no "implied" or "spirit of the rules"! Loopholes are holes in your armor, with which your enemy stabs you in the back!

Danny, tearfully, sends ninja dad home.

Gross. Emotions all over his armor. If only there wasn't all this sand in his eyes, he'd definitely complain about it. *stoic ninja hug*

Danny? Become a king. One of many. An Ancient. Becomes FUCKING HUUUUUUUUGE. Like? "Aw, your city is so pwecious~☆ n smol~♡! Whats it called again? New York?" Huge. A fuckin LEVIATHAN made of void, stars, and space ice. A Winter corpse, marked by lightning, that became the night sky itself. With a crown of aurora borealis, ever shifting, like flame.

Proportional, in a way, to Summon Bosses. Just as a normal human is to a normal toad, a normal cat, a normal slug. So too, is Danny LARGER then them.

You know... when he feels like it.

The contract? Passes down. Ninja dad does warn his kin. Prooooobably not gonna answer you. He only answers ME cause I'm, well, ME.

Fuckin BET. They declare. And lose. Repeatedly.

Time marches on. The Senju and Uchiha has their Drama. Dear KAMI do they Have Their Drama. Please Stop, says everyone. They... do not. The contract? Fuckin STOLEN. Because of course it is.

It's a HUGE, glowing, death radiating Summons Contract kept in a shrine behind like... SO MANY seals. It makes anyone less then a full grown JOUNIN physically SICK to even touch! Prolonged exposure kills people! Of COURSE it gets fuckin stolen. It's obviously a super, mega, ultra rare AMAZEBALLS Summon Contract... right?

Eeeeeeeeeeeh *so-so hand motion* KINDA!

It IS technically that.

They ain't wrong. Cause Danny IS an Adult now. A King. Connected to the Zone. An ANCIENT. Beyond and Above his mortal origins, even as, by being a Halfa, he is utterly the same. That contract is as close as one could GET to having a contract with the Sage himself.

You know... if he answered you.

Felt like your petty bullshit was worth getting up off the couch for.

Not to MENTION? He can make clones! Like.... billions of them now. Has a skeleton army. Is kinda one of the stronger Ancients. But that's not the point. The POINT? Clones. Don't have to be EQUAL facets of self.

You CAN make a .00001% clone of yourself!

Behold *summons poof noise* Lil Baby Man!

Just... just pure, hollowing, Chakra deep, no fight, no flight, JUST freeze, Primal Awe Terror Horror. Fear of what COULD be. What IS. What has BEEN. Just? Helplessness. Cold. The Void. A thing so vast and absolute... you are but dust fighting the mountain.

And the WORST part? The most terrible of it all?

It does not LOOK monstrous.

Absolute destruction and the unending void between stars, the whispering fatal call of a winter sleep, the settled absolution of one who stands between those they protect and those who would harm... even unto death. The being that LOOMS, magnificent, majestic, and terrible above them?

They are starlight.

Painted upon the world by the most loving calligraphers brush. Sweeping lines, delicate detail, a fluidity that transcends. No one could ever mistake them for human. Their armor crafted from the night sky, clearer and closer then any of them could ever know. A living thing that acts like a window to some great beyond.

Compacted snow. Compressed so far beyond the point of steel, it has become something unimaginable. Covers their hands, their feet, in deadly yet delicate protection.

And the CROWN.

Upon a mane of hair, that floats as though weightless, like fire drifting in the breeze? Sits a crown of ever shifting green light and ice. It cradles their head, ice lovingly trailing down to frame eyes...

It is the EYES that break them.

Green like the Zone. Like souls, like the dead. Like what you've done. Green so Green. Living things and all that's been ended. Can you FEEL it? The way your very Chakra, bound so tightly around all that you are, the very force of LIFE itself? Shrieks and howls in jibbering fear? In mindless panic? Desperate to get away?

We do not mix. You and I.

You are Alive.

I am Dead.

But oh, he is so SO much stronger. It does not matter his intent. Only what he IS. The natural reaction. Like positive and negative repelling each other. The aggressively alive fear the unresting dead. It's the Chakra in them.

It's why Naruto-chan is so terrified of ghosts! Which makes Lil Dragon Man sad :( he keeps screaming hysterically, throwing things, and scrambling out the nearest window. Has cried. Lil dragon man avoids him so as not to upset. He's not mad, since for all his job is to Be Silly™? He DOES have Danny's ability to threat assess.

Kiddo just scared. Not mean.

It's? Honestly WEIRD how cool with him the Uchiha are. Silly lil gremlin appearance aside... they ARE ninja. He SHOULD be giving them creeping "horror movie" vibes. Not "no, actually? This is BABY. Rambunctious. Mischievous. A child. I love him." Vibez. Why? Is he beloved?

It's gonna be HILARIOUS. Cause the Uchiha are totally fine with just having their new Dragon baby collective son. He is a devious, mischievous, powerful lil shit and they LOVE that about him. Have a snack~ and a kunai~♡ Who's a precious lil thing? You are! Yes you ARE! They're gonna teach you how to hamstring your opponents next!

Then Itachi get threatened while wearing his Daddy n me baby sling, on some escort mission? Twas a TRAP? Danzo up to some shit? Oh no?

*Oh Fortuna starts playing*

*reality CRACKS as boss music gets louder*

W....why are there TWO now?

Oh dear God no. They're multiplying! D:>

All the Uchiha slowly but surely get one. People are giving THEIRS lil outfits. Because THEIR lil dragon is a Proper Lil Ninja, unlike YOUR little heathen! See? Their precious lil baby has a tiny flackjacket and headband! Or formal kimono! Or lil maid outfit!

Some of them BITE!

And just? You see the most stone faced, humorless, ASSHO.E Uchiha known to man.... waking around with a floppy lil noodle dragon baby sprawled around their shoulders or tucked like a toddler in their arms. Draped over their heads going :p with elevator music going on behind the eyes.

And you just? D... do you MENTION it?

You look the hardass nin in the humorless murder eyes. You think not. Nope! That is apparently their lil precious baby boy and you're NOT TOUCHIN THAT™! Ha ha... you wanna live!

They don't blink, still the human equivalent of being slowly and emotionlessly choked to death on a cold winter's night, as they feed their small adorable lil noodle friend a wittle tweat. Because he's being very well behaved and they spoil him.

It apparently SUPER COMMON?

All the "We Are Ninja, We Have No Humor And Are All Assholes" Uchiha Clan are all walking around AGGRESSIVELY pack bonded to these lil noodle creatures and just? DUMPING all the backed up "I got to LOVE SO HARD YOU DONT UNDERSTAND AAAAA-" Hormones and instincts onto this presumably safe outlit?

It's a dragon! That's safe right? They're allowed to get Weird Uchiha Clingy I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'LL BURN EVERTHING 5EVA AAAAAAA-!!!! *cough* I mean... enotionally attached. Not like a dragon baby can be an enemy agent. Or die on you. They'll out live you! Very sturdy.

Obviously everyone has to steal one.

Then that invites the possibility someone might turn that same argument against the Inuzuka next.

And the Inuzuka would NOT be having with that.

Also... something something the little dragons are basically all clones of each other since they are Danny offshoots--including if Dani sneaks in there--and some bugs essentially function like that, basically being clones of each other, so...

I do wonder if a LBM would eventually start to gain its own personality. Their own Cores. Start to Actually Look Different. Maybe like their Bonded?

You are in a room full of mixed ninjas from various Clans. Those weird lil noodle things are fuckin EVERYWHERE. They are suddenly to the Uchiha what dogs are to the Inuzuka but? Somehow NOT? Are permanent babies? Because the Uchiha already had Nin-Cats.

It was a Whole Thing. Still is? You can hear an Inuzuka joking to a living statue of a Uchiha, just an UTTERLY humorless looking bastard, that they've clearly upgraded. All while the Uchiha's nin-cat next to them is making rude gestures at his dog, who looks long suffering.

ALL the Uchiha are carrying these weird toddler dragon things.

ALL OF THEM.

They're cuddled up, watching in fascination, as the Elders go about their day. Play Go and do old people meddling. Treated like beloved grandchildren. They are stuffed in a wild variety of decorative lil outfits by housewives, who gleefully cart them around to coo over and share their day with. You have yet to see a SINGLE uchiha kid who ISN'T carting one around like a security blanket/younger sibling/beloved puppy or something!

And the official nin?

It's apparently bring your weird noodle kid to work day! They ALL insist the dragon thing is "their child". You're not sure if they mean "I adopted them" or "this one is mine, as opposed to the OTHER dragon children". You're afraid to ask.

But like? They? Are on duty???

How is this allowed?

Seriously, no, like? Good for them or whatever. They have apparently dislodged the collective stick up their asses. Great! Maybe they'll be less nightmares to work with! But??? You GOT TO ASK. Because SOMEONE FUCKING HAS TO and apparently everyone else is a COWARD?

If those things are "toddler" dragon thingies or whatever? Is it REALLY okay to let the Uchiha be carting them around like this? We don't bring kids on missions for a REASON. You are concerned.

Somehow this makes all the super bristling Uchiha around you relax like you are suddenly their best friend. They damn near shout over each other as they try to be the first to explain to you, in Very Serious Debriefing Voice, their multi decade child rearing plan. There is shoving.

Oh.

Oh they are awkward lil weirdos, aren't they? Entire clan has history's worst case of Resting Bitch Face. You can practically FEEL your Aburame teammate laughing at you. They DID try to explain. You just didn't really get the bug terminology. Yeah, yeah, fuck you too, buddy.

So they're like... perma-puppies? Long lived to the point they might as well be? Is it a Clan wide permanent D-Rank thing? You babysit, the boss summons MIGHT answer you?

You don't "get it". But, whatever. They seem less "we feast off the terror of small children" so, honestly? Take it as a win.

You watch as a Inuzuka pads past with a colony(?) of the noodle things gleefully clinging to their back. They've agreed to amuse the noodles while their... "parents"(?) turn in reports? The little guys are cheering and having the time of their lives. You gotta admit... it's kinda ridiculously cute.

But THEN?

Some asshole Chunin SHOVES an Uchiha genin who was quietly waiting in line to hand in his team's reports. His team, across the room, whip around when they hear the little guy's cut off startled cry. The genin BARELY avoids biting the floorboards thanks to a nearby Aburame jounin, who's hand shoots out to catch them.

The Uchiha around the room, previously so... not, RELAXED per say, but calm? Tense. Like they are suddenly in enemy territory. What the FUCK? You can see them, shifting, ready to intervene.

The Chunin clearly can't read a room for SHIT. Sneers down at the genin, IGNORING the ominous low buzz coming from the Aburame who just caught them, and is clearly about to say something UGLY when?

Deafening Silence.

Countless Eyes.

It takes a moment to understand the change. It's become so... so NORMAL. Background chatter and buzz. The squeals, the chirps, the mrrps and grumbles. Constant, chatty, opinionated noise... suddenly DEAFENINGLY silent. You look down.

It's like time slows as you do.

The noodle creatures... forever moving, giggling, mischievous and ALIVE... are all Perfectly Still. Not breathing. Not blinking. Just.... silent.

Like predators.

They don't look so cute at the moment. Claws sharper then you KNOW they were a second ago, coloration darker, eyes GLOWING. They look like piranhas in the air. Sharp, deadly, and... and with a sinking feeling... your eyes shoot around. Trying to count EXACTLY how many there are.

The room is COVERED in small, glowing, eyes.

Heads that move in perfect synchronization. All focused on the Chunin. The Threat. What a second agon was hundreds of individual little dragons... is now a Singular Hive Mind. Like an Aburame's companions made large.

Oh.... Oh SHIT.

You shakely reach out to smack desperately at your Aburame teammate for ANSWERS. Is that a bug? PLEASE tell you that is a bug and they can kinda control it! We are trapped in a ROOM with them!! The Uchiha did NOT need help getting more terrifying!

Your teammate acts like you're being dramatic.

He is DEAD to you.

The business in question is more of a cheat since being king of the infinite Realms means he is fluent in any language to exist. Safe, dead, or extinct the status of a language doesn't matter to him. With Technus's help he sets up and online portal where people can submit pictures or copies of stuff for him to translate at a premium price. He refuses to take any money from the fruit loop and the money he learns will go towards his clone's schooling when she gets to that point. Right now she is using it for her travels and sending them postcards.

People who claim his translations as their own get black listed with a huge fee coming out of their bank account for the breach of contract. He is trying to keep his business on the down low so those breakthroughs that get on the news are not what he is looking for. His main demographic is rich snobs with private art collections. What Danny doesn't know is that his main customers are the Justice League.

There are some clues but he kinda ignores them. Like when a document submitted is a summoning ritual he sends back a partial translation since the summoning is not good (there are worst beings they could summon but it will still be a hassle) however revealing knowledge of the banishment is harmless.

Gotham cultists hate him because they know he can translate the whole document/book but all of their attempts to trace the sage of tongues (trying to give invisobill kinda vibes) they find a dead end. They try submitting from different computers, locations, routers, anything, but just end up giving Danny more money lol

The Justice League is almost in tears because the jusyice league dark could not agree on the translation of the banishment ritual and everything they tried before had failed.

His favorite translations are the stories that give alien vibes. They talk about certain structures (he thinks it might be structures) as if they are common knowledge. Unknown to him those are Kryptonian fairy tales that Lois submitted. She didn't want to give Jon a funny accent so Clark can read them in Kryptonian while she does the English.

Duke having a hard time with an assignment, sends an inquiry asking if he offers homework help (he wouldn't be using it for career advancement which is against the terms of service BUT he would be claiming it for points so he asked) and that is how Tim finds out about this sketchy website that can translate anything. Danny feels the sincerity and sleep deprivation in the inquiry so he replies back "I admire your courage and will do you a solid but only if your promise to sleep a minimum of 8 hours. I'll know if you don't and snitch so go to sleep 😴" The translation is attached and already in the format his teacher requested.

Steph: How is he gonna know?

Duke: Idk but he is a life saver!

Tim: Duke, did you just sell your soul for a homework assignment?

Duke: Let me sleep and then we'll see what happens 🥱

Tim is driven crazy because he needs to know who is behind the website. And also because Constantine was kinda in the area and said no. Duke has his soul even if he doesn't sleep, lucky bugger.

Danny Phantom: no.

JL: what? Why?

Danny: I have yet to receive confirmation from the gods that this action will—*glowing green brick falls on his face, a small sticky note falling off*

JL:

Danny:

JL:

and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!

....well, fuck it. They can fix at least ONE of these things?

*walks up to a guy with a very bemused jedi following them, rapidly smacks at the Jedi's shins to be picked up, is held up in the guys face so they can Threaten the guy PROPERLY* "listen here you lil shit, I MAY BE a tooka, but-" >:( 🔪

Grace doesn't know what had caused it, but one day the dome over their habitat just...cracks.

He and Simon had thankfully been next to each other, hanging out on the beach after Grace had finished teaching for the day. The sound of the xenonite breaking above them had been like the loudest thunder Grace had ever heard, and they'd both jumped and looked upward in shock. The moment Grace saw that hairline fracture growing and splintering across the panels above them, he'd felt his blood turn to ice, because he could see how quickly the cracks were growing, and he knew exactly what that meant.

His head jerks towards Simon, his eyes wide with terror.

"Simon — !" he tries to shout, but that's all he has time to say. A second later, the dome splits open, and super-heated, poisonous air rushes towards them.

Grace screams in fear, scrambling back against the pebbled beach, but he knows it's futile. In moments, the pressure outside the dome will cause the rest of it to collapse, and they'll be crushed. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to escape. They're going to die here.

Simon's arm wraps around him and Grace turns and buries his face in Simon's chest. At least it will be quick, he thinks. At least he won't be alone. He squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself as the impossibly hot air rushes towards them.

But then suddenly there's light.

they met when ryland was playing chaperone during a school trip in germany. they were visiting a museum and ryland had gotten away from the group for a bit as he started getting a bit overwhelmed. there was enough adults to watch over all the kids so he allowed himself this moment of peace. as he was admiring a painting (he had actually zoned out for a while), someone stood next to him. it took ryland a few seconds to notice, turning his head expecting one of the moms who kept trying to flirt with him, but no, it was a man, a stranger. ryland, not knowing what to say, just smiled at him. the man smiled back.

"it’s a beautiful painting. i love the colors." the stranger said, his voice deep and raspy.

"yeah. i like it too." ryland replied, unable to tear his gaze away from the man.

they spend an entire hour talking about anything and everything. getting to know each other, sharing their tastes in art, even though ryland clearly wasn’t the expert here. he learned that the man was named simon and that he was on vacation to visit his family, otherwise he currently lived in korea. he was a botanist professor and had a passion for art. he actually went to art school for a bit, but found out he preferred art as a hobby.

ryland was completely fascinated. simon not only was incredibly handsome, he was so smart and cultivated. he had something interesting to say for every painting they walked by. for once, ryland wasn’t the one doing the talking, and he actually preferred it that way. the last thing he wanted right now was to make a fool of himself.

after a while, ryland had no choice but to return to his class. he thanked simon for the time they spent together, simon replied it was a pleasure of meeting him. the goodbyes dragged on. at some point, ryland caved in.

"maybe… maybe we could exchange our number." ryland gave him the most casual smile he could muster, even though he was being the opposite of casual right now. "i don’t know for how long you’ll be here but i’m only leaving in five days, so…"

simon looked like he was refraining a smile. he nodded and searched in his bag for a pen and a piece of paper "alright."

-

that was five years ago. now, ryland was sitting in bed grading tests while simon was telling him about his day through the phone.

at first, it was easy. simon kissed him before they parted ways and everything unfolded through texts and calls once ryland returned home. at this point they only knew each other for five days. they agreed to take it slow, to not rush anything.

it lasted a week before simon said he loved him.

everything went so fast, maybe because both of them knew this wouldn’t last long, and so they had to make the most of it. except they were wrong.

ryland half-listened to simon talk, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. for a very long time, he genuinely thought he could do it. he genuinely thought that seeing simon two times a year would suffice. he pushed through the first year. they called or facetimed almost every night so it made it significantly easier. the second year was already impossibly harder. they still texted each other every day but facetimes and calls were getting rarer. by the third year, ryland could feel it slowly starting to crumble.

he held onto it though. he and simon never talked about it. he didn’t even know if simon felt the same way about their relationship. it was great, really it was, ryland loved him, he loved the way simon made him feel, he loved talking to him, but as much as he tried to convince himself that words were enough, it wasn’t. he needed simon with him. he needed to smell his cologne, needed to feel his arm around him, needed to run his hand through his hair, needed to kiss him. not just a few days a year. all the time.

moving out was a reccurent subject, and it always ended up in a fight, and the discussion always ended on the same conclusion: ryland didn’t want to give up the life he had and simon refused to leave the country he had been teared away from when he was a child. maybe ryland was selfish. simon had a very valid reason for staying in korea; he was sent in the american foster care system when he was a child and never really recovered from being denied his own culture, the country he spent the first nine years of his life in.

ryland, on the other hand? he was just a coward. his life was comfortable and changing habits was scary, but it was nowhere near as justificable. he just loved his job. his loved his kids, he loved going to the diner in the morning to have breakfast, he loved sitting on the same bench in the same park every saturday, he loved getting his food from the same grocery store, he loved walking down the same street every day. he wasn’t ready to give up on his life.

but will he ever be ready? and if one day he is, will it be too late?

Simon with his rusted, well-worn parts and multi-tool arm with jagged chipping where the Eden logo used to be. He didn't want to be left behind but at least he's kind of free, right?

Grace with his sleek mods and enhanced memory but they still couldn't fix his eyesight so he's got magnifiers. He didn't want to be sent on this mission but he's the expert, so it had to be him, right?

Do i know where this is going? No

Grace fell asleep in his biodome on Erid, and wakes up in the middle of a submarine at the bottom of the blood ocean. He (and Simon) are understandably freaked out by his sudden appearance, and Grace is even more freaked out by his surroundings. They're shouting at each other, Simon is ready to fight, swearing up a storm, while Grace is trying to simultaneously cower away and not touch any of the blood-soaked walls. It's pure chaos.

Suddenly the radio kicks on, Ava demanding to know what's happening. Simon does his best to explain, but he's frustrated and confused and not entirely convinced this is real. But then Grace cuts in, and starts to ramble as he tries to figure out how he got there, talking about wormholes and hallucinogens and the side-effects of long-term heavy metal exposure. He's flustered, and when he gets flustered, he starts talking.

And up on the surface, Ava just freezes. Because she doesn't know how the fuck Grace got down there, but she knows what he is. And what he is, is a scientist, something humanity desperately needs. The Quiet Rapture wiped out most of the human race's scientific minds, and the few that remained were fought over fiercely by the different factions, often to their detriment. Grace would be an incredible resource, if he actually knows as much as his ranting seems to imply.

The blood ocean might be able to help humanity, but a scientist definitely can. Especially a scientist with as diverse a portfolio as Grace. He may have started off as a microbiologist, but during his time on Project Hail Mary and his mission to Tau Ceti, Grace has picked up a little bit of everything. He is arguably the smartest person alive in the universe at the moment. And while Ava might not realize this, she knows enough to recognize that he's valuable.

She orders Simon to come back up to the surface.

YEAHHHHH THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO SEE

that makes a lot of sense, especially if Simon only has a basic understanding of 'old english,' he would find Rocky's grammar a lot easier to follow if there are similarities to his native language

so yesss!!!! my hypothetical anthrpology #myhypotheticalanthropology

I kinda wanted to approach Eden and the COI not as Evil Cult Society and Evil Industrial Society (since personally i just find that less interesting) but more as two diverging human cultures that adapted to intense circumstances in different ways. that isn't to say that there aren't harmful aspects to them, much in the way that there are harmful aspects to real human societies.

So anyway back 2 my markiplier space movie conlang