poetry/essays

Soda

I spilt soda on my white shirt. I tend to wear a lot of white shirts, so it was inevitable that I would eventually stain one. Nevertheless I don’t drink much soda.

Is it my fault because I wore a white shirt, or is it my fault because I decided to have a soda? Regardless I’m to blame in both scenarios.

I ask myself this question quite often; are my habits enabling me to make continuous mistakes or is it when I change my ways?

May 5th, 2026

Soda 2

A little less than a year & I’ve found the underlying dilemma; I am a creature of habit.

My potential is limited by my own actions, or perhaps lack of action. Whether I drank the soda or wore a white shirt, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I change the shirt.

I read my work, and I see myself stuck in this mindset where every mistake is futile when the truth of the matter is that mistakes are growth. The question is will I learn from those mistakes or will I ignore them in order to not sabotage my comfort.

A,

I miss you.

I have missed you since the last time I saw you.

It’s hard to put into words the feelings I have for you because I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I love you. It’s been half a year since we spoke last or since I’ve seen you but I still love you all the same.

Now that the brunt of the letter is out of the way, I wanted to thank you. I know you won’t believe me, but you are quite literally the best human being I have ever met. Every part of me wants to write an essay on just how good of a human being you are- but you already know how amazing you are.

You learnt how to love yourself & in turn you taught me how to do so. Thank you for that gift.

There’s so much I want to say & I keep deleting paragraphs or re writing them. In my eyes you’re a near perfect person, but you already knew that.

I didn’t communicate with you at first because at first I figured that’s what you wanted. I felt like at the time you had so much on your plate & I was not helping at all. I tried, but my overcompensation due to my devotion at the time got in the way of ACTUALLY helping you- and I was smothering you because I thought I was losing you…

The irony am I right?

Hindsight is 20/20. That being said I want to share a quote with you from The Sopranos;

"You're only allowed 3 great ones in your lifetime, they come along like the great fighters, once every 10 years... but sometimes you get them all at once.”

You are most certainly one of my great 3. I’ve had so much fun with you. It’s easy to keep reminding myself of all I did wrong, however the last 6 month I’ve reminded myself that the reason I adore you isn’t because of my own terrible decision making skills… It’s because we just had a great chemistry. I fell for you because we understood each other, and I had yet to ever experience that.

Unfortunately my baggage definitely skewed everything. I apologize for being blind & for not seeing the amazing person whom was standing in front of me. I could put the onus on the situation or the individual, but truthfully it was my fault for letting it happen. Taking accountability is the only way to learn. However I also learnt taking accountability for your mistakes means you must forgive yourself for them, and that you can’t keep the weight of the world on your shoulders for it will hold you back indefinitely.

Now that I feel like myself again, I look back & barely recognize the person I was throughout that brief time. I wish I managed my emotions better then which is why I learnt to do so now.

I hope you’re doing well.

Actually I hope you’re doing fantastic. I hope Cura is moving along as you see fit. It’s going to work. It might change or alter in concept but it will work out. It’s a great idea. Whatever new projects you have planned I hope they pan out in your favour.

I would say I hope your family is well but I have seen your Mom & your brother (and your Aunt) as of recent. They are some of the best people I have ever met. If it makes you uncomfortable you can tell me.

Even if we were to never see or speak to each other again I will always be wishing you the best. I’ll always be quietly cheering you on in hopes you reach your goals. Whether that be career wise or family wise, I want you to be happy. If there’s one person on this Earth who deserves to be happy, it’s you.

I’ll be thinking about you. Always.

-Zach

P.S I re-read the letter & it reads like a terrible rough draft of a tween romance novel. That wasn’t my intention. I spent days trying to write this…. I didn’t know how to express my thoughts and I ended up restarting over 10 times. Finally I realized there is no perfect way of writing this however the best way would be the way that comes out naturally. Clearly sometimes I still overthink, but I’m getting much better.

Everything yet nothing matters.

Faith is built upon man. The scriptures were written by them, even the loyalists believe so.

Scientific’s claim another possibility yet a lack of evidence has it facing the same hypocrisies.

They will claim the masculine urge, or the feminine tongue. They will preach that it’s the non binary infecting the youth… none of this is the cause of our stagnant mindset.

I miss you. 

Should I be admitting this? 

For a long while I’ve been denying this feeling however as time passes I realized that it’s completely normal to miss you, or should I say miss the person I thought you were.  I miss the drives. The 5 hours of anticipation of seeing you. The road trip embraced me because I knew at the end of it lay the most amazing person I had ever bared witness to. To finally arrive at the Seacacus parking garage & to see those beautiful brown eyes, I felt at home… And the tears every time I had to leave were very real. Very very real. 

I loved you more than anything this world had to offer. There was no conditions to my love, and I think it scared you. I think knowing the fact that I would love you regardless of the fights or transgressions terrified you. 

When we saw each other in Paris this past September I truly couldn’t breathe. I had lost you- and now you had come back. I missed your embrace, everything about you. Your hands locked into mine as they did per usual & your lips felt like the first time we kissed at the Korean vegan restaurant. (With the best vegan calamari I’ve ever had)

I write this not to just reminisce, but to tell you I loved you. I cared. I wasn’t, and am still not perfect… but your mistakes nearly killed me. My self worth had been executed <redacted>. I never had felt so expendable until those last few days we knew each other. I poured my soul to you, I defended you, I put your desires before my own… I gave all of me to you. Now I sit here not even mad at you, but mad at myself.

I don’t talk to <redacted> anymore. I haven’t seen her since January. She returned my things at my doorstep & sent back all the money I invested in her business. She will do great things, fantastic things in all honesty. She wrote me a letter and it was so heartfelt. It gave me the idea to write to you. She really loved me, she really cared for me & I lost her, but this time it was actually all my fault. You know in Dark Knight when Harvey says you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain? I became the villain. I chased you whilst she waited for me. I could sit here and blame you, but what would come of that? I can’t throw the responsibility onto you. I would never learn from my faults if I did. I loved her, but instead of giving her what she deserved I sat in a fever dream waiting for your return. You did deceive me. You told me to get rid of her to be with you, because you knew she was better for me and I refused to listen to my inner monologue. That was my biggest mistake. I should have let myself be blinded by your facade.

Like I said, I put you before me. I guess a positive I took from all this chaos was to be a bit selfish. Now that I have garnered my self respect, something I had been missing even before we met, I’m thriving.

You don’t blame the alcohol in a DUI, you blame the driver. I was the driver. I had the choice. I chose wrong. I chose you. 

I still help her mom, but I think I will let that subside in the coming weeks. We still have “las onces” at times. I love her entire family as if they were my own. Her mother & niece most of all. Helping them soothed me, it didn’t feel like a chore. It felt of mutual respect & admiration. I pick up her niece from school, or help her mom with whatever chores she needs aid with & Im rewarded empanadas. Jokes aside I’m rewarded with people who actually care for my well-being. I make it seem transactional but it was much more profound than that. She cared for me, and so did her mom. I cared for them all the same- but I was distraught. Caught up in your whirlwind instead of just exiting our affairs promptly. I shouldn’t be as brutal when describing our relationship however at the time it truly felt a hell scape was upon me. 

I really don’t understand the person I became in your presence. The cheating killed me. The worst part of it is that I knew you were cheating, but you had me so encapsulated that I convinced myself otherwise. 11 months of cheating and lies, but again I don’t blame you. I blame my own stupidity. I’ve realized through all my research that almost everything you’ve told me was a lie. <redacted> being your friend only in February & not beforehand, him being around you more often than not… Your “friends” don’t exist, but the truths within your lies do, and they still haunt me. Part of the reason I couldn’t give myself to <redacted> is because I honestly didn’t know if I could trust another woman after you. When your therapist tells you that you should write a novel based on your experience, you know for certain that this isn’t the run of the mill qualms that rustle a relationship. You hurt me. You took advantage of my trust, advantage of my stupidity. 

I never talked with <redacted>, however I did message her when you told me you were going to kill yourself. I asked her to check in on you. I was scared that you would have died. That’s when she told me you two hadn’t been friends for a long while, and that you manipulated the truth with her & her relationship. 

I was disgusted, but not towards you. It made me sick to think how sad you were to live a double life. To never feel like you were good enough to be honest with people. Even your current boyfriend. It saddens me that your relationship has commenced on a massive lie, that you were using him for sex while waiting for me to complete my studies… But it’s so much deeper than that.

 You lie to receive self validation. You pretend to be somebody else. Obviously it’s too late, but I would have loved the real you. 

I messaged <redacted> that night too. I put my pride aside. He was closer to you quite literally & I wanted to make sure you were alright. I think it threw a wrench in his friends plans because even before I messaged them about the infidelity they were planning an intervention of sorts or him. Due to his relationship with you. His friends & his sister were very worried about him. They told me that you were ripping him apart from them, that you were isolating him.

The same you did with me. 

You were fighting with everyone including him at his place. Forcing his roommates to live by your lifestyle. I’m not sure where this high horse was manifested, but it truly is scary to think. After hearing all this I was certain that you had a narcissistic personality disorder, which is ironic considering you are infatuated with Tony Soprano. 

For a split second I wanted to doubt them, but that was the lover in me. The truth was there in front of me. Multiple people in your friend group told me the same, even small details like the hickey or the locations of peoples houses you were at came to light. My whole world literally crashed. I hated myself for believing you. 

His whole circle was concerned <redacted>. I honestly feel bad that he’s still caught up in your web. I feel bad that he still stalks my profile. I pity him a bit, not to make it sound like a piss measuring contest but he must realize I was much better suited for you- which is why you came back to me in late June/early July. I’m over it, but he just lost a lot of confidence, even if he actively decides to choose you. I can’t call him stupid or ignorant despite all the evidence I’ve provided because I was just like him, I refused to see the truth of the matter. I just hope you haven’t successfully altered him to where his friends let him go or where his sister doesn’t recognize the man he is today. You have the ability to do that. Trust me, my friends sounded just like his. 

Today I’m doing well. I have job that’s 98k USD a year, I got into business (minor in political science) & my grades are fantastic, I started my own company & we’re currently doing market research, I’m starting to get a 6 pack & I’ve been practicing abstinence/celibacy instead of acting on a relationship or sexual desires. My mom & I have partnered and we might be closing on some properties in France. Vivre la Quebec Libre!!! (I also voted Bloc Quebecois this election, I thought you’d find that funny.) I’ll be done school at 30 & I won’t have any distractions. I think about <redacted> a lot, my true soulmate. It hurts knowing the mistakes I’ve made- but it drives me to greater heights. 

There is one piece of advice you gave me that will forever stick with me; I’m not getting younger. Instead of bitching about a system that won’t change, just move along with it. 

Life changing advice, I have to give that to you. 

I adored the person I thought you were. The Twilight jokes & the common interests we held.

You had always told me we didn’t have much in common and actually you were right. I had a lot in common with the <redacted> you presented to me, however the woman you truly were held no resemblance to me. The woman that cheated on me for a year holds not a candle light to whom I am, but I must thank you. The fake soulmate made me meet my own, and in losing <redacted>, I realized my problem of not letting things go. Ironic considering I am writing this letter, but in my defence I’m moving & I just wanted to send some stuff back your way.

Lastly, I want to end on something positive,

I hope you get or are getting the help you need. 

On my recent “journey” I’ve realized holding resentment is the key to backtrack all progress. I also believe people can change, for if I didn’t I would be a hypocrite. You can be a better person <redacted>, I know you can. This wasn’t just about cheating, this is a whole lifestyle you live. With friends, with family… everything is built upon lies. You can be yourself. I promise. 

When I found out the only real truth you had told me was the fact you worked for <redacted>, it truly blew me away. It felt like everyone I talked to had a different script of you & nothing lined up. I knew it was true when I went to message <redacted>. You had her block me. The other 5 people I talked to all said your only friend for the last 6-7 months was her and <redacted>. I didn't want to contact her for the truth, I wanted her to check on your well being when you told me you were going to take your life. I just knew from there she didn’t know me, or maybe a skewed version of me. Even if I was supposed to meet her in France, I knew she didn't know a real version of me. Like how you told certain people I was Canadian & that you flew 12 times to see me here but I only made the effort twice to see you, or that you told certain people I was from New York on the East End. <redacted> & his friends all thought I was a friend of yours from New York. I had to show him video proof of Quebec licenses plates. Poor guy was in denial, I had to shoot a video of my brothers PayPal account swiping on his phone because he thought I photoshopped over 500 screenshots & a video of us under that bridge at a Paris Club. 

I apologize, it may seem like I say this out of spite, but I’m saying it because even if I no longer love you, I care for your wellbeing. That’s what makes me human. I wan’t the best for you. I wan’t you to have a husband & children but not based off the lies and the manipulation you’re so used of. Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s a coping or defensive mechanism instilled in you for whatever reason. 

I am also human not just because I am empathetic, but because I make mistakes. You make mistakes all the same- but if I can bounce back from the torment of 2024, then you can do the same. You have a lot of gifts, use them. You have a lot of talents & you don’t need to lie & cheat to make yourself known or to put on a false narrative to look better for your peers. Seek therapy & guidance. Learn alternative traits on your own accord, use your skill set to your advantage instead of making things up to have others perceive an alternate you. Embrace your weaknesses & better them. 

For me it was working on my emotional intelligence. I had to work my way into realizing my defeat, understanding my role in it all, find outlets that are in tune with the betterment of myself & finally forgiving myself for my transgressions. 

You’re smart. I know you can be a good person. Just try being honest with yourself, the rest will follow suit.

It’s difficult to accept life at face value.

Hope? My wrongs cut deep, but I must take accountability for them for there is no nobility in falsehoods. I have accepted loss & bared the the grievances that follows suit. The grievance that we may never be together. The grievance that I may never see your smile again or feel your touch.

I will never be whole without you, this is fact. It is my fault, the error in my ways. You will find another, you will wed, and you will bare his children. You will be happy. You will forget me.

However I will be half the person I was, awaiting for Father Time to take me from the prison I constructed for myself. Every brick a memory of how I sabotaged myself from finding eternal bliss within your embrace.

I have failed.

Lo siento ______,

Dazed I lay, enigmatic.

Thankyou for coming home. Thankyou for making me whole once more.

If you lay next to me yet again, let it be aver. You enthral me each and every time, therefore I shall put my faith in you that this isn’t farce.

I fester in hate for it requires only my allegiance. Love requires others to manifest itself. I despise that concept.

Society will preach to love your own self however how could you? From the moment we are born we are indebted to whatever being deems itself the higher power.

Id rather despise the world around me than to have it lie to me. Consistently. It will not fool me once more. I will love myself by hating you.

I would rather execute you than put my faith into you once more.

I am no longer the naive lover I once was, mending the broken & blindly enamoured by facades. My amour for the world was once bountiful, but now I see it for how it is;

Thieves, cowards & hypocrites rampant. Lust outweighs the significance of what was once love. No more the days of refuge & solace in another. The world in which we reside has manufactured narcissists. Soulful bonds are now fable. The world lacks compromise. The earth forever skewed.

I will never recover. I know now the secrets of todays humanity. What binds us together isn’t our similarities, instead we seek the differences. In the pursuit of being diverse the weak no longer output any effort. They’d rather remain misunderstood & blame the world for their malicious transgressions.

Romanticize your failures, I will remain clairvoyant. I will see through your orchestrated mess as you claim it as your truth. Show no humility for your actions, I already know your vile mentality. I will remain cordial as your act fades & you frantically try to build yourself a new persona.

Find yourself.

The world rotates just to progress its agony. There was never a balance, just destain. I see the world as it is; Hell.

Is it my job to unmask these demons? No. I just tread ever so carefully. Idolize no man or woman. They are all prophets of deceit.

Leave me at peace.

Days turned to weeks, months to years.

I have forgotten who I was.

It will lay on your shoulders. Actions in fact have many consequences, and I hope you’re ready to carry that burden. In fact, drag that burden. Tethered to you. You will sit with that burden. It will bring you tears and sorrow. It will make you regret the wickedness that mutates your morality. It will humble your soul, and you will wish you never took the path of greed & infidelity.

The way you shaped my self image will be the way I shape yours indefinitely. Time will elapse bizarre. Anxiety will befriend you. Everything you loved you will grow to hate.

An “innocent” bystander? Not for long.

Suicidal ideologies turned to homicidal fixation.

It will be your burden. It will be your burden.

No longer mine, it will be your burden.

These actions are an extension of your destructive behaviour. Your twisted words & your lack of empathy for anyone but yourself. You must learn- this must ensue for balance to return to my heart. I need this now.

It will fix me, but it will haunt you.

This was never my burden to carry, so, I will feed you back to the demons you wish to avoid. You should have considered your actions before you jeopardized the “innocent”.

Say your goodbyes whilst you can, you’ll have a lifetime to reflect on them.

Leave me at peace.

Days turned to weeks, months to years.

I have forgotten who I was.

The greatest enigma.

I adore every significance we shared. Every evening that ended in your embrace. Every giggle and smile.

My best friend, thank you.

For once in life I felt at peace. That all was right. Purpose I suppose. I felt content with myself, I felt at ease. A weight lifted off my shoulders. Trepidation relinquished; I felt whole.

I’ve had relationships previous, relationships in which I thought I finally understood love, however truth be told I learnt it with you. Unexpectedly you became my teacher. My world dark, decrepit. I was a husk of myself. You restored me. You made me love myself, and in turn I love you all the same.

It’s daunting to know you love me, platonically. Maybe I sound selfish but I want you. I want to be with you. I have been hurt by so many, I have sought refuge in the wrong places… You understood me & you embraced me for whom I was.

I embrace you all the same. I love you.

Perhaps it wasn’t ment to last. It’s hard to think that someone will love you all the same. I’d give anything to be that man- for that man is quite literally the luckiest man to live.

To what may transpire, I will say one last thing:

I will always remember you. I will always remember your voice & the beauty of your laughter, the way you look at me at any occasion, your nose & how it crinkles when you smile, the beauty mark that rests above your lip, the way you held me, your hands on my face & how comforted I felt every single time, the way you call me “honey”, the little movements you do when you get excited, the way you treat me as an equal when you’re upset or disappointed, the fact you match my humour and my sarcasm, and finally the way you love me.

I love you. Indefinitely . I’ll always hope you’re the one I cross the finish line with.

I am going to unload a clip in you. I’m going to watch you bleed out.

I’m going to make sure the last thing you see is me, my face. Every pore. The last thing you’ll witness is the image of a good person you crossed. A good person you corrupted. A good person riddled in vengeance.

The last thing you’ll feel is an entire clip in you.

So many nights I lay awake, awaiting the day I get to murder you. I will kill you. I am going to unload a clip in you.

Your family will tell stories about you, but they’re all false. You’re not a good man. You’re pathetic. A hypocrite. A fiend.

A loser.

No one will miss you. I am going to unload a clip in you. And I am going to enjoy every second of it.

Everybody is going to respect the shooter, but the one in front of the gun lives forever.

Unfortunately for you that memory will be of a sad man. One who accomplished nothing but taking another’s happiness. You ripped my pride away from me.

You’re ineffable. A true acolyte amongst the common. In your eyes is a thousand futures in which could be had, the thought of it makes me puerile. I shouldn’t be so quick to draw to conclusions however the feelings we share are indelible.

Reluctancy trickles in as we believe this is too good to be true.

How could we have met? Out of all the souls this world holds, how could both you & I be able to walk in tandem along the same timeline? Elucidate, for I do not comprehend this near impossible fruition.

I will always be veracious, not a lie shall seep from my lips. You deserve this. You deserve only the most honest of responses.

My faults seem to be accepted by your embrace. I am not one to be always phlegmatic, hence why I at time believe I do not deserve your compassion. You teach me composure, structure & the divine feminine. My pervious life before you had me inure to circumstance. I held hatred for myself & I let that transpire throughout my day to day. Interactions held no satisfaction. I had a tendency to believe my words fell flat, that no one actually cared for what I had to say- that was until the days we’d sit and prattle about our antiquities, about topics no one else cared about except for us two. I was no longer reticent, no longer deleterious.

You saw through my false stoicism and shined a beacon into the smallest of kinks in my armour, showing myself that I was allowed to feel. I am most definitely esoteric however you understand me fully. This is irreplaceable.

Lay with me. Let me love you.

Thankyou, I no longer believe myself to be meretricious. You actuated my sense of belonging & for that I am forever grateful. This love is noumena, something in which we cannot grasp but know it to be true. I believe us to be truly latitudinarian with each other, seeking refuge in each others embrace amongst the nadir. Emollient your touch, a solace at a time in which I needed it most.

Criticism; listen.

Life is a grand inquisition, one based on all ones adherence. Not all words from the mouths of men will be deemed truths, however listen regardless. Beg if the message is coherent, identify if it is cohesive & reflect on others disposition.

This will craft you into a better individual.

byname invulnerable.

Take onus.

Wrongs may lead to solutions, do not strangle yourself in guilt. Allow for compromise with yourself & those whom surround you. Allow yourself fortification, you deserve self growth.

A person who cannot take onus for their actions shall never truly crop up to their full potential. To take accountability for the prior is to grant confidence in one’s self.

Naïvety only spawns when one is too self righteous. Always reflect. Even when you are undoubtedly right, you must always take consideration. Pair this with the ability to be humble. Relinquish humility while basking in a stoic state of mind.

To fester in the past is equally haunting, keep equilibrium.

The lack of mindful expansion will in turn burn you. It will deteriorate the relationships you may have in motion & alter your perception of self worth for the worse.

Self love is arcane to me leaving me in flummox. Absorbed in my self doubt, I wait for any sight of an inchoate, however I have yet to realize that it requires my own intuition to commence my conquest.

Reticence; a feeling that consumes me just the same. My confidence results in a lack of continence. Sexual temptation in result of past traumas. All I long for is a true lover.

May you please be that true lover?

Can you listen to me where my mother could not?

Are you able to soothe the wounds & scars my father left upon my frail skin?

I know I ask for a multitude of avenues in which I seek affection, for my soul needs mending & my heart requires fortitude.

Maybe I’m callow therefore I seek so much of my refuge within your embrace. In my eyes you’re the only place my world is destined to be, in fact in the sea of potential love bound possibilities your salience brightens the grey clouds and stormy weathers that rest on my shoulders where others could not.

I yearn; will you wait for me?

I often think of your osculate. You leave me giddy & riant at our peaks. I know I do the same. I must ask if I’m worth your wait? As much as I appreciate your patronage I also feel the utmost guilt. Despite my feelings I often debate if I should set you free. Free from my burdens & uncertainties. I know you adore me, I know I bring about a feeling within you that no one has yet to accomplish. Love. Pure

With affection comes qualm. Not consistently, but it intervals long in between moments of bliss. Whatever may happen between our souls do not forlorn, just remember we were always meant to be one another’s.

You are encapsulated, for I feel it in my heart.

My grievance. My torment. My misfortune.

Sprawled atop the desires in which I still want to obtain, I am a fleeting thought as you parade yourself.

Am I worthy of your embrace or shall I be ostracized as another suffices your vision? Will another seek your mutual attraction subsequently as I tended your wounds & mended your broken heart.

I basked in everything you were, accepted you for your faults & imperfections.

Gave you all that I was.

You held all of my essence.

For the sake of my soul, tell me my for seen perceptions are falsities, for all I am aching for is your embrace.

If my perceptions are true;

my semblance of you draws to a close. I hope life brings you an abundance of what you are in search of.

I can feel you are content, however can you feel that I am not?

The only thing I ever loved is slipping through my fingers. 

Toxic at the soul so why would I even want to keep it. 

I know you can’t change so I should probably just leave.

I’m addicted to the misery, napalm on evergreen.

How was it looking into another man’s eyes, have him whisper the same things as I but the difference is his are lies? 

How did it feel hiding every single truth until the labyrinth you built ended up losing you too? 

The only person who’d ever put up with your wrongs. I would have let you rectify all your faults. Every time you called me names, put me down, lied to me. 

I guess your words were vacant & never truly binding. Claim that I’m too needy but require all of the attention. New guys on the arise, you pay them mind as long as they listen. 

Not a stone left unturned I honestly hold no regrets. I guess my heart could not overcome your vindictive selfishness. 

I feel bad; you lived your life thus far scared of committing for your faith in people is diminishing and your desires are fleeting due to a subconscious so viciously attacking itself, giving you no room to breathe so you try masking yourself. 

You ran from my love because you hate yourself. 

In years to come will I be a memory? Will you remember me? I’ll remember you, every moment fondly. It’s hard to despise the only person I’ve ever truly loved, knowing I certainly was enough but you were broken while I was mending us. I played for keeps, you sat in lust. I have to ask, did you not take me seriously because you wanted to stay free? Lay with him as you fiddle with me? 

Did you enjoy your time living both sides of the coin just to have me destroyed, abandoned me like I’m used to. Told you a million times but you seem to only relapse then make up excuses.

A stepping stone for your self growth. I know, yet I cannot leave. The thought of you with some one else hurts me more than when you’re dishonest. I despise the lies, or to be burnt, but there is nothing more satisfying than your return. My oldest of friends but you treat me as a foe. I know. A stepping stone. I should have left you when you first had feelings for him yet when you come home I seem to forget, I seem to remember only the good which we have. 

Alone. Abandonment is my biggest fear yet you seem to enjoy when I squeal, when I beg, when I forgive you for all that you are. When I blindly make amends and disregard every scar you’ve come to leave on my heart. 5 hours apart yet I felt so close but you manage to leave me in the dark, your twisted perception is why we can never get further, our romance can never mature especially if you believe falsities over my honesty.

You think of me and claim to pity but regardless of your self introspections you choose to never change your actions. Always excuses, and I still play into them all the same. How am I supposed to ever believe what you have to say? Your trust issues lay so deep that you successfully managed to make myself doubt everybody around. Will you ever change? Are you capable? You realize most people don’t know the real you? A broken soul who rather transpire and continue grief as opposed to washing her own hands clean and breathe sigh of relief.  You rather sink the ship, you rather shoot me in the back so yourself can live. I would have gave you my life, what would I get? A fraction of your heart when you ever so feel like it? If Im lucky; maybe a kiss. 

I cannot believe this is you, and that is why I cannot relinquish my hope that one day we will rewrite all. I know you believe your actions are irreparable however the truth is I will always allow you to make amends. I am not one to easily alter my perceptions of you, and my empathy grows everyday. I know these mistakes are not you at the core and that what lies at stake is our love galore. The truth is I am in fact angry at this very moment. I am torn, ripped from the roots, however we can relocate, we can plant a new seed if you choose. Reform the ways we didn’t work and find hope in each others eyes as we reach solitude. If I thought that this version of yourself was indefinitely your character I would have left long ago, but I know that this is the accumulation of past traumas amalgamated within the deepest confides of your soul. 

I refuse to hold it against you, I refuse to belittle your worth. I know you feel like you belittled mine but its fine because you found a man who lacks selfishness and truly can empathize. I cannot give up, I cannot concede. I cannot let go of the fact that together I feel truly freed. I cannot let us go because despite it all, beyond a shadow of a doubt you belong with me. We complete each other. You were always my missing puzzle piece.

I would be inclined to believe I didn’t hold the same weight in your life, however your actions speak louder than words. Even when we’re taking time you still always enter my world. I know you won’t admit it but you think of me as much as I think of you, it's not about what you say but the you actions do. This love is too profound & cannot be subdued. You only said goodbye because your conscious told you to. It’s not because you’re falling out of love, It’s because its so abundant. You want to let me in but you’re too scared to open the door so your conscious told you to leave me, telling you I deserve more. What your conscious fails to tell you is there’s another solution, to cypher through disposition and rid the pollution. If I’m to be honest I haven’t been the best either. I don’t want to cast stones in this glass house as we’re equals. Manifest to your conscious that theres a means to it all, that my love will reach out to you even when you take falls or hit walls that seem to hard too hard to move by yourself.

My love for you is undying I promise. I know others have said the same but they lacked being honest. I know others will say the same but they’re not your Canadian, stinky cheese lover.

I don’t think of you as selfish soul, I know you need to grow but what lover would I be if I just let you go, leaving you astray like everyone else has. I want you to see that I in fact choose this path through the thickest of storms, to calmest of waters. A love that conquers is a love we both not only deserve but a love we need. Over all this is love, not lust and not greed. I will not ever find that in someone else, and to let my arrogance take a hold I don’t think you will either. Every woman compared to you & every man compared to me. We might make mistakes however who doesn’t? I’m not blinded by love, I just choose to not give up. My anger doesn’t fill me, surpassing my true intent. In the moment it’s okay to be upset or distraught, just promise me that instead of running away from the one you love and try to masquerade behind empty thoughts that you will reflect upon yourself, not lie to yourself. Instead of running from a lover that wants your wellbeing, focus on your self healing & make a grand return. Only you can heal my burns. I’ll never hold it against you, just make amends with yourself. If I forgive you then forgive yourself. I know that he was in your eyes but due to you being ostracized, scared that I'll leave so you found someone sub par to temporarily please your state of mind. I can rationalize, the truth is abundantly clear. Your past lovers disrespected you hence exactly why I'm here. You're used to devising escape plans out of fear. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to rebound when I am sound. I hold you to a higher standard than them or this man now.

I’d be foolish to think that I’m the only transgression you deal with, your life presently holds an amount of malnourishment. As someone who’s faced the same atrocities please let me feed you. Let me cascade a part of the world around you so you don’t feel alone. You truly don’t have to go through with these inquisitions on your own. I am your soulmate, I can aid you. The same way you aided me. The same way you aid others I can be what you truly need however it starts with you and what you truly believe and how you regulate your psyche when your overly displeased. I know in the darkest of instances I brightened your day and your reluctance is due to the fact that others left you in disarray when you needed them desperately. They unwound your trust not just with them, but those in your future. Instead of healing you they decided to dispute you. I will not falter or leave you due to products of your history, in that same breath I wish to not be apart of your history but be apart of your current desires. Don’t push me away when you’re frightened, instead do yourself a service. Learn to grasp that in fact I will hold you through the most rigid of situations. We are robust in unison, resilient. 

I know this is endgame. I know that 40 years we won’t forget this, but it will be a relic. The hardships come to fruition so down the road we can cherish the time we spend with each other, the time we spend with our family. If you’re the mother I know our children will be outstanding. I adore the thought of being with you, I truly enjoy your presence. Your presence is a present I hope to always be in my present. 

This time is for us to heal. It’s for us to make sure we comply with ourselves, reassess to ensure that we prioritize self love and individuality that we must feel. Take your time, we’re forever. 7 lives remain together.

I’ll be here waiting for you to come home, that’s all I could ever do. I never muttered the words so truthfully until the day I told you that I love you. 

-To Moksha;

Hello, I’ve missed you. 

Uncanny, withdrawals at daybreak. I come home to vacancy, the feeling of venom within my veins. 

Hello, goodbye once more. 

Briefly time elapses. Time halts. Time is ours to manipulate. I must thank you for that. A feeling not easily obtained & even harder to let go. 

Hello, ventures into the unknown.

I knew you as my lover, an individual who shares common ground, however for the first time I bask in your individuality. I witness you as if we never met before. 

Hello, until death do us part.

A resurrection.

How could I have been so nearsighted. To not see the bigger picture as I did previous shall rest upon my shoulders. A shame I now carry.

How could I have been so naïve to believe the fire was nearly extinguished… or perhaps it was, but why was I so ready to not nurture it back to the flame it was set to be from when it was manifested.

How could I have questioned my allegiance. An ally that is not in constant agreement does not make said ally a foe. Pride fell in the way of understanding one another, and despite actively knowing so I couldn’t bare to fall back & recuperate.

We are not so easily manipulated by our insecurities for our instincts tell us we are meant to continue forward. I’m eager to see where our resilience takes us next.