monday came

I feel kind of sad as the grocery stores start closing earlier and earlier and everyone around me has broken away to start new families and I feel like I could have cancer but also like I could just be thinking too hard about myself and my mom has been dead longer than two years but I spend more time thinking about a girl I haven’t spoken to in four and sometimes I want to live so badly and I don’t think there will be enough time to do that and I don’t think there will ever be a good time to go to the grocery store and I don’t think there will ever be people I want to run errands with again

stuck between a rock (worrying will prevent) and a hard place (worrying will manifest)

I look at our cancer-riddled dog on the living room rug and think about all the flights of stairs his bad joints have had to carry him down to get to the yard he loves so much. I look at my mother's living urn waiting to be buried beneath her tree and think about how that's all that's left of her. I think of all the people I love who I no longer talk to because I can't, or I don't know how to, or it's just not good anymore. The great big Terror of my life is loss. I live through it, I wait for it, I am never prepared. I want a summer that doesn't feel so lonely, so fearful. There hasn't been one in years.

happy mother’s day. i can see the hospital that killed my mom from the parking lot of my favorite theater. they’re playing trailers for sequels of movies i saw with her. i know she’d shrug and give them a thumbs down from the seat next to mine. i know we’d fight on the way home. i know it would be okay by morning.

I love the way I deal with health anxiety the same way I would deal with monsters in the closet. YES there is a monster in the closet, BUT if I stay under the covers, it won’t get me. YES there is cancer in my body, BUT if I don’t look for it, it won’t kill me. I love these rules

i just know snow’s heart fell into his ass when he watched not one but two district 12 tributes become victors for the first time in 24 years