just j.

Carlton, Minnesota 10.2025

remember remember

Lukas Robertson

[OC] more sketches of my fish lady 🖤

isabel  may  as  elsa  dutton  in  s01e01  of  𝟏𝟖𝟖𝟑

isabel  may  as  elsa  dutton in  s01e02  of  𝟏𝟖𝟖𝟑

I remember stories of the great war, how it seemed man had lost all reason. That we'd become animals, or perhaps we just surrendered to the fact that animals is all we've ever been. But there are moments where I feel we are more. Where we have evolved beyond a search for the next meal or the dominance to breed who we choose. Where we breathe fresh air deep and can almost taste its maker. I wish I could freeze this moment. I would live in it forever... swimming in the possible while the mud of the real is stuck to the shore. We weren't poor. We weren't desperate. The road west is filled with failures... but failure isn't what drove him. It was a dream. And the dream is coming true.

                 I remember the first time I saw it. Tried to find words to describe it… but I couldn’t. Nothing had prepared me; no books, no teachers, not even my parents. I heard a thousand stories but none could describe this place. It must be witnessed to be understood. And yet… I’ve seen it, and understand it even less than before I first cast eyes on this place. Some call it the American Desert, others, the Great Plains. But those phrases were invented by professors at universities surrounded by the illusion of order and the fantasy of right and wrong. To know it, you must walk it. Bleed into its dirt. Drown in its rivers. Then its name becomes clear… It is hell, and there are demons everywhere. But if this is hell, and I’m in it… then I must be a demon too. And I’m already dead.

characters avatars set - Isabel May as Elsa Dutton  (1883)

I always thought of mothers like nervous chickens, too worried about their clutch to ever hunt for a worm. In my mind, my mother was a BANKER, hoarding my freedom like money. I never once thought of her as a woman with DESIRES and DREAMS and PASSION, though passion is the thing that made me. I lie awake at night and my dreams for this life BURN INSIDE ME as if I'd walked to the campfire and tried to eat it. I watched my mother and I felt FOOLISH for thinking the notion of eating fire was mine alone. IT WAS HERS FIRST. Then she gave it to me. I watched her ride and I didn't see my mother. I saw a woman. And the woman was MAGNIFICENT.

1883 (2021) 1.08: The Weep of Surrender

i hope i die warmed by the life i tried to live