moonlight musings

Girl, it’s only you and me

Two stars,

You in the sky

Me in the water

I’m a mermaid

You’re a rockstar

And no one else comes close

Why did I forget about that?

of caressing my body for three days

What is this gut wrenching feeling of being nothing to you doing for me?

Why do I put you above me?

Who do you think you are?

You are nothing

You are no one

I don’t know what I saw in you

I obviously couldn’t see the real you

Unless

My wound recognized the weapon that would hurt me the most

My mouth recognized the poison it would ingest from

So that I could release you quicker

So that I could free myself from the distortion of wanting you

This self that I still cling on to,

that only renders the most

discombobulated feeling

of not belonging to this world

It’s not my true self.

That much I’m aware of.

This false self still lingers

in every shred of inadequacy

I experience when I abandon myself.

It reminds me that the only way

to be limitless,

is to never abandon the soul

by killing the body

to appease the false self.

I may not feel it,

but it’s there.

This intangible inside

is my saving grace,

I wish I could be a child again

What a waste of time

A bottomless pit of despair

Getting what I wanted

Instead of what I needed

With such raw pain

I crave freedom from this bondage

This burning desire won’t succumb

Until I surrender to the wave

Water always reaches its level

There’s nowhere else to hide

I’ve had to come clean

And claim my seat

The why is irrelevant

If I don’t seek the how

Since it won’t chase me

I’m done drowning in my distortion

He will leave

And I will live

I loved myself today.

It just happened. I was able to see myself as a human being, so imperfect, so fragile

starving for love

So I hugged myself and I felt the warmth of real love for the first time

Then, I cried

Because I realized how much I hurt myself for so long, and I didn’t deserve that

I deserved everything

But no one else could ever give me anything that I needed to give to myself

And until I was ready to see it, I felt so empty

Something happens when I let people see me

which is not often, not really

I put on a show, and everyone laughs

That’s when I hide in plain sight

But sometimes I take off the mask

And I dive into the library of my life

I don’t necessarily look for a traumatic event

Sometimes, it just comes up

Well, today it did

And the last thing I expected

was to be dismantled

To break down a wall

That I didn’t even know existed

And I felt something for the first time

since the last time I probably didn’t have a choice

To have my shadow consume me

The thing is, that release is the cure

It gives me space to let the light in

To be seen by others

Not how I’d want them to see me

But how I truly am

Take it or leave it

secretly hoping they don’t leave

But knowing most of them will

Because it’s not their job to stay

The movie theater is not a prison

They can move on with their lives

And give the gift they gave me

To someone else who needs it